


Behind us

by Vitavili



Series: Unbroken Heart [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Emotions, Feels, Future, Hearbreaks, Hurts So Good, I mean really happy, M/M, Makkanji, Nobody Dies, Promise, Sequel, Seung GilxPhichit, Victuuri are married!!, a lot of it, and again, and kissing, and other stuff, and then make you happy, but yeah there will be sex, caps lock squad, evil fujoshi squad, give your soul to me, heavy angst again, holy katsudon, masochistic squad, maybe I will add more epic tags later, next level, otabekxyurio, random tags because there is no point to tag the same things for the sequel, still drama queen, still love my babies so much tho, this wil break your heart again, world of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-09-17 18:56:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 180,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9338567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vitavili/pseuds/Vitavili
Summary: I can still see you from the miles... I can still see your face. Even if it's within in the miles and now there is nothing left just a lie between us. It's a huge sea between you and me... and there is nothing I can do. My tears they float... moving away like your portrait in my head. What am I living for again?But...Suddenly before my eyes, that beautiful color of indigo arise. It's in your eyes. And just then I get the feeling back again that I can paint the sky with stars as long as I see them. This is the feeling I needed to rise up again. It's everything I will ever need and even more.There is nothing behind us... there is no one behind us.In this fight for our life... for our future...I will help you rise above again.*Story continues from chapter 41.





	1. Chapter 41. Yuuri

**Author's Note:**

> Woop, darlings!! <3 
> 
> how have you been? <3  
> I am back and I should say sorry that I haven't answered to any of your comments. I really wanted to finish the first chapter first and now I will do this <3 So, wait for it <3
> 
> Touching your feelings from the first chapter, right? How are you feeling? *heavy breathing*
> 
> Also, I want to say sorry, I planned to publish this earlier but I couldn't soooo... TT_TT  
> Welcome back to everyone who stayed with this story <3
> 
> I want to be lovely dovely with you,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> P.s. The second paragraph of this chapter was inspired by Bob Marley words <3

 

 

> God, have a mercy on souls of those who have died and especially of those who have **survived.**

 

_Is it true that when you die whole life flashes before your eyes? I think I died... Because I just saw his face. Right here. Right now. He was smiling again.  But it's impossible. Or maybe death it's just an illusion? Maybe everything here is not real? Even my life until now?_

 

 

 What if he actually hasn't forgiven me for what I have done? And he never will.

* * *

 

**3 days before**

* * *

 

**2023, April 21.**

Life is beautiful. It’s so wonderful when you are able to love. When you are loved by someone. When you can spend every day of your life with two words that make world spin around. And it’s not true that after some time days turn into a closed circle, which just spins around over and over again. If you really love then every morning you open eyes just with this feeling and no matter what happens, it just gets stronger and stronger. When you think that you already love with everything you have, then in the end of the day life proves that you are wrong. There are no limits to love, there is no time to love and no death. Love is in everything - In happiness, in pain, in sadness in anger… in every emotion, you can possibly feel because if love wouldn’t exist in these feelings, we all would be like dolls. We are angry – because we love, we are sad because we love, we feel pain because we love… you see, everything is connected, we feel because we care. It’s impossible to escape from that. It’s impossible not to feel when you… have him.

Victor was sitting at the table leaned forward, really concentrated on what he was doing, but I knew as soon as I touch him, I will see his smile again. I love to laugh together with him, I love just sit around and talk about nothing or not talk at all, I love taking walks, damn… I even love to fight with him. And no… our life wasn’t perfect like from the fairy tale. We were fighting… a lot, because of random things, mostly, just because we were too different, yet in the heart, we were the same. Every fight even the smallest made us stronger and me better. Indeed Victor wasn’t always so perfect as he looked most of the time. I wasn’t perfect either, (obviously) and together we didn’t look perfect at all and we never will. But he was the only one who could make me smile even from the smallest thing, he was able to do that once, twice and how many times he wanted to. For Victor was really easy to admit his mistakes and to forgive mine. We both admitted that we are just a humans so mistakes were unavoidable and that’s the main reason why we were holding to each other with everything we could. Truth is that… we weren’t a couple who would quote poetry to each other every day or sing love songs but… we both had a part of each other that we knew… that only we can break. I tried so hard not to hurt Victor, he tried even harder not expect from me that I couldn't change. We didn’t do any kind of analysis about our relationship. We were just smiling when there was a reason to be happy, we were yelling at each other when there was a reason to yell and we were missing each other every single minute when we had to be apart, even when we didn’t want to see each other. Perfect relationship – it doesn’t exist. Now I understand. But Victor. Victor was perfect for me and it was enough.

“Liubov.” I wrapped my arms around his neck from behind and laid my chin on the top of his head. We were married almost a year now, we were together as a couple for more than 4 years (if we don’t count that dark period in our past) and still every time when I touch him, I can feel how chills run down my spine. I love this man so much… I really do.

“I don’t get it… look, they are the same.” Victor showed me two kanji’s in the book and sighed. Haha, Japanese are really hard for him. Still, he was trying so hard and I couldn’t think of other things just how adorable it is. I looked over his head to see what he was showing and then pressed his body in my arms harder.

“You see that small line in the corner? In the right one, it’s drawn from the top and on the left from the bottom.” Victor leaned even more forward to look at this and then sighed again. Yeah, he noticed that. I am sure that even without my help he would be able to do that, but he was studying yesterday all night also now for almost five hours he was sitting with these papers. He is really into it.

“You are right… damn… just one line changes everything. Isn’t that strange? But almost like in the life. Very philosophic…” Victor raised his head up and our eyes met. That incredible beautiful blue color that I would never feel tired of looking at. After his words, I started giggling and gently kissed his lips.

“You should get a rest. Because this kind of thinking doesn’t suit to you at all. Just too deep.” I still was giggling, talking while holding my lips on his. “I will be back in a few hours and I want to find you sleeping in bed, alright?” I kissed his one cheek then another and Victor nodded, not really clear so I guess he won’t listen to me anyway. This part of him I loved and hated the most. I should start making the list of all those time he didn’t listen to me. Or maybe it’s already impossible to do that because I wouldn’t be able to count.

“Give my greetings to Alexey.” He smiled at me for a second and then let his head down again. I guess Victor was still a little bit mad at me because I refused to have sex until he passes the exam. Actually it should have motivated him, but in the end, everything turned into a big fight with my victory. It’s not that I didn’t want to have sex, for God sake, in our relationship everything was ending like this. Happiness – Sex. Fighting – Sex. Waking up – Sex. Going to sleep – sex. Eating – sex. Taking shower – sex and so on. So why we couldn’t use this thing for motivation. Is not that we didn’t do other stuff now… and of course, I would have given up if Victor insisted me, but it became more like a game. So who will ask first? The only things that were really happy about this – my ass and back. But just after two days from my suggestion, I was already regretting it. It turned into a challenge and I don’t really know how much I will be able to hold back. Thanks, God, that exam is already after two days.

“I will. Don’t overwork yourself.” I kissed his hair before letting him go. Jeez, I really love that smell of his. I couldn’t really tell what kind of odor he has… it’s not a perfume and not even a soap. It’s more like a combination of my favorite smells. My heart feels so light just after this.  
Victor waved to me not turning around and I left the room, leaving my husband studying Japanese and with sleeping Makkachin next to him. Our dog felt that we are about to leave somewhere so he was going after Victor or me in our flat all the time, like showing that he wants to be with us or asking to take him also. But the sad truth was… that he is already too old for this long flight. Just in case it’s better if he stays here, and I already know the person who will take care of him with as much love, as we do.

This day was really sunny and beautiful to sit outside, that’s why we chose a coffee shop which had tables to sit outside. I came first and sat at the last table in the corner, it looked more private. I haven’t seen Alexey from this Christmas, even if we both were living now in Sant Peterburg. Life is like that – we were just too busy. I with all those competitions, this season really reminded me of hell… but I liked to be a part of coordinators team and I loved seeing how my ideas turn into reality. I was still near the ice skating, I also was skating myself, of course now more just for myself. But still, it was my life a big part of it. I didn’t have the patience to be a coach, but the main reason was that we with Victor were inseparable, that‘s why we decided not to have any students. As for Alexey, he was really good at what he was doing, teaching dancing and I guess he really loved doing that – that’s the most important. You have to love your job because without that everything is meaningless. I already knew that he is coming even before raising my head to see him. Girls which were sitting next to me started sighing and whispering something to each other.

“How my favorite Nikiforov is doing?” I heard a voice next to me and then looked up. Alexey didn’t change at all, he still had that wonderful confidence inside his moves, his hair was still long and just in general everything about him reminded of my young husband, just incredible that they are cousins.

“I thought that your favorite Nikiforov is Victor?” I smiled at him, looking right into those blue eyes, after some time, I finally saw that they are not as blue as Victor’s. Still made every girl melt just by watching them. Alexey started laughing, did I really sounded like I am jealous right now? No, I am not… not at all.

“You can have him. I found you.” He smirked at me and when the waitress came, he asked for a green tea. I already had my latte coffee. I didn’t blush after Alexey’s words, I guess I was already used to them. Well, I could tell that one thing really changed about him… no matter how beautiful he was, I couldn’t see those sparkles in his eyes that I used to see before. He was missing his other half. And I am not talking about a sexual relationship, I mean it in the most innocent meaning of this phrase. He was lonely, and that loneliness couldn’t be replaced by anyone. I could understand why. “So how Vitya is doing? I guess studying without any sleep?” he asked after I didn’t give him an answer to his last sentence. It’s just really hard to think about something else when I look at him. It’s not that we are not talking at all. We are chatting and calling to each other, but seeing a person in life… it just changes everything.

“You can’t even imagine. I never thought that he will be so serious about this. I mean, when I passed national Russian exam, I was just kidding that he should do the same with Japanese. But Victor just took this really deep into his heart.” I let the deep sigh from inside and slowly shook my head. No, really why I just couldn’t hold my tongue at that moment? “By the way, he is sending you greetings. Oh, and here is the key, before I forgot to give it to you. Thank you again, Makkachin will feel better with you than with our neighbors.” I took out a key from our flat and put it on the table in front of Alexey. He took it and pressed between his fingers, at the same time the waitress brought him a tea and wasn’t really in a hurry to leave us alone. The funny part about this, that she was watching more at me, than at Alexey. Strange.

“Sooo… how long will you stay in Japan? You are leaving tomorrow?” we were sitting in silence, Alexey spoke just after that waitress left. I usually don’t get a lot of attention or I am just not paying attention to it. Well, I could admit that because of Victor I got not just stronger as a person but finally, he taught me how to take care of myself. Until then I didn’t really care how I look like, but I guess just being with Victor made me want to look good.

“Yes, tomorrow early in the morning. First of all, we will spend some days in Tokyo, Victor will pass his exam there and then we are planning to go to Osaka, stay in our flat and meet there our first anniversary. So we have plane tickets back on 18 of May. Is that alright?” The hell… I am so dumb for telling Alexey our plan just now. I asked him to take care of Makkachin but didn’t tell for how long. If he has some other plans, I will have to search for someone else.

“It’s alright… I guess I will take him to my place. I will be better like this, than coming to yours every day.” I nodded, that way Makkachin will be always with someone and those days without us won’t be that stressful for him. Our poodle really loved Alexey that’s why I wasn't worried about leaving him with this boy. “Already a year, huh… Time really flies, right? Will you meet with Phichit? He is living now in Korea, right?” Alexey looked at the screen of his phone to check the time. I guess he is in a hurry… Always busy. I was enjoying my holiday, but he couldn’t.

“Yeah, he promised to come while we will be staying. I just hope not on the day of the anniversary.” I looked pretty serious while saying this, but Alexey still started to laugh, right… seems like Phichit. Well, he was living now with Seung-Gil, but still, couldn’t let the idea of Victuuri go. “Alexey… how Ana is doing?” he was still laughing when I suddenly asked him this question and got him unprepared. Just in one second, I saw how thousands of emotions passed through his face. Oh… maybe I shouldn’t have asked that after all… but the thing is… that I haven’t seen her from my wedding day and it was almost impossible to talk with her, it’s like she was avoiding everyone. But I still cared. A lot. And I was missing her. Jeez, I would even let her grab my ass right now… just for a ten minutes of normal talk.

“We don’t talk.” He said after a few seconds of painful silence, I couldn’t tell from his face what Alexey was feeling, it was without any emotions and he was looking somewhere at the table. It’s a first time I have asked about this, but I was already regretting so much. “The last time I saw her was at your wedding. After you and Victor left, we had a fight… and she left to Paris. Until now we haven’t spoke. But… I heard from my mother that she is alright… and that she loves studying in Paris… that… she has a boyfriend…” after each word it was more and more hard to understand what he was trying to say. It’s like Alexey was having something in his throat. “Fuck… I miss her so much…” he got up so suddenly that I even flinched. “Sorry, I have to go.” He was trying to cover his mouth with palm, but I already saw that his lips are trembling.

“I am sorr-“

“Have a great trip.” He quickly waved for me and walked from the coffee shop, turned around the corner. You dumbass, Yuuri. The worst of the worst. You really had to ask this? Now? The fuck got into you? No really. The fuck. And I shouldn’t have let him go like that, I should have talked with him or hugged or…. But everything happened so quickly, that I could just sit frozen. For me… it hurts not talk with Ana, but for Alexey… I couldn’t even imagine. They were twins, I mean they were so connected to each other. They grow up together, spend every day together, they were there for each other in happens and sadness they were dancing together for so many years… and now. Nothing. Nothing left. How is that even possible? They may not be a couple but they… just had to be together. I was sure that Ana is suffering too. I will have to take care of that, as soon as we come back from Japan. I asked the waitress for the bill and then left home, damn… a beautiful day just turned into a bad one. Or maybe I should just go to Paris now? Victor can take that exam any other month.

 

“Yuuri… you should really stay out of this. Alright? They can figure this out by themselves. You can’t help, maybe just turn everything worse.” Victor said this gently by touching my face, but I could still feel that he is serious and furthermore he was right about this. I was able to tell him what happened and how I was feeling, just in the evening, before going to sleep. All day I was without mood and he saw this but gave me space to think about everything. Like I said we already knew each other too well.

“Yeah… maybe. It’s just I want them to be happy. Is that wrong or what?” I asked and touched naked Victor’s chest with my palms. He just came back from the shower so the skin was still a little bit wet. His skin was smooth with no sign of all that pain he went through. We both decided to remove the scar on his chest with a laser, not just because of beautiful skin, but also because of deleting bad memories. Now there was nothing left, maybe skin at that part was a little bit brighter than the rest, but it was almost invisible because of his pale skin.

“It’s not wrong, love. But… just… you can’t make everyone happy. They have to fight for their own happiness. It’s life.” After saying this Victor hugged me hard, pressing him against his chest and I let hot air from my mouth on his skin. He is right like always. “I already prepared my things, left them on the couch in the living room.” He changed the topic and it was a good solution after that Victor kissed my forehead and let me go. Right… stuff. Mine was also prepared and now we just had to put everything into the suitcase. We decided to take one big instead of two smaller. Finally, we can use that one I had, I haven’t used it since I moved from London to Moscow. We left half of our stuff in our flat in Moscow so I just took it with myself without any stuff inside. Just in case if we need it someday. For example now. Talking about flats… it’s too much having three of them, right? We should just sell one. But I couldn’t decide which one. Even the one in Moscow was precious for me.

“Alriiight… I will pack everything. Go to sleep, I will come soon.” I walked from the bedroom to the living room, took that suitcase from the small room where in general we were keeping stuff that we don’t use and walked to the living room with it. It was almost eleven o’clock and our plane is leaving at 8 a.m., so we won’t have much time to sleep. Usually, Victor wouldn’t leave me like that, to pack things alone, but he needed to take a good rest before tomorrow.

I opened the suitcase and started checking all the pockets, just to make sure that there is nothing left. I was almost done when suddenly I felt something inside in one of them. Some kind of paper. What that could even be? Some kind of bill? I took it out, the paper was old and crumble and it was a letter. Some parts of the letters were already unreadable… but I still knew this letter too well. I thought that I have thrown it away years ago…

_Victor,_

_I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I know it's going sound dumb, but I don’t want to keep you down. I want you to concentrate on your skating and do your best for you, not for me. Don’t think about me, I won’t come back. Don’t search for me, because you won’t be able to find me. Just start a new page, forget the past and move forward, I know you can. I know that you can be happy without me. If you really love me, then please live on. Dance like you never danced before and after that become a coach that word has never seen before. Believe me, I know that you can and I know that you will. And I can promise you one, the life will be even better, it will be like I never existed. I believe you. You will always be my idol._

_My heart will always belong to you, but you have to give your heart to someone who is worth it. I am not that person._

_Goodbye,_

_Yuuri_

Aaaaah, this shit. I quickly started ripping it apart until pieces were so small, almost like a paper snow. God damn, why I found this now? Actually, it’s alright that Victor is not with me right now, because I didn’t want to imagine his face after seeing this. Even after everything our past was still a sensitive topic. I can’t even explain what I was thinking by the time when I wrote this. Sure, I was a total mess and stupid and so on… That letter… that… no, really. It was the reason for every shit and just now it’s gone. At last. I can’t believe it. Every word written in there was from the person that I no longer am. Especially that last sentence… God. I rushed back to our bedroom forgetting about unpacked things. Since I was just with my underwear, I jumped into the bed and quickly found the way to be in Victor’s arms.

“Already done?” my lover asked with his eyes closed and I half shook and half nodded with my head. I just felt that I really need to hug him right now, I will get up tomorrow earlier to pack everything. But now I really need to be here. I wrapped not only my hands but also legs around him, like some kind of creeper plant. “Don’t tell me you are giving up?” Victor kissed my ear and then chin cheek but stopped when I shook my head. No, it’s not that I need sex right now.

“You have really forgiven me?” This question just came from nowhere. After almost two years. Just bam. No wonder why Victor froze after this. He wasn’t in shock, just thinking about something. His hands were holding me tight, that’s why I understood that he doesn’t have any idea what I am talking about.

“What ar-“

“No, nothing. Forget about this. Stupid thoughts, clean them for me.” I didn’t have to ask twice, I just raised my head a little bit and Victor started kissing me hard, holding my hair with one of his hands. I loved this rough but pleasant feeling he was giving to me. And even without sex I had really great time just kissing and touching him I guess Victor also. I slept like a baby after everything, so good sleep in his arms. So safe. I am the luckiest man on Earth. For sure.

It was the first time that Makkachin was acting so strange. I mean, he brought his ball to the door as he would have wanted to play. When he was younger he used to love playing fetch, but now he was too lazy for that, even when we asked for this. And now that brought ball almost gave me a heart attack. I wish we could just take him with us, Makkachin was like our child just a little bit more complicated. Victor kneeled in front of him and hugged really strong.

“Don’t be sad. We will come back soon.” He kissed Makkachin's ear and I just couldn’t get out from the feeling that our dog is not sad because we are leaving (of course he was a little bit sad), more like he doesn’t want us to leave because of other reason. Like we should just stay home. Here in Russia… he wanted this so much that he even brought the ball. Aaaah, this anxiety. No really, I don’t need this right now.

“Our taxi is here.” When Victor got back on his feet. He smiled at me and sent a kiss for Makkachin then took a suitcase and left the flat. “Be a good boy and wait for us.” I touched his head and poodle licked my fingers. It’s not the first time we are leaving him like this, he was already used that we are traveling a lot because of our work. And still. This time saying goodbye was hard like never, so I quickly smiled at him and also left the flat, before closing the door I saw that he is sitting with the ball in his mouth again, looking right into my eyes. As if he was a person. As he was really asking to stay.


	2. Chapter 42. Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good afternoon <3
> 
> I forgot to mention in the last chapter that in Behind us every second chapter will be from different POV, so one from Yuuri and another from Victor. This time you will get all the actions from the both sides ^_^ <3
> 
> And of course, Victor did talk with Yurio in Russian on this chapter (just in case if you thought that they spoke in English)
> 
> Weeeelll it's about to end (I mean my exams), but I have the last one on Friday so the next chapter will be coming on Friday evening or on Saturday <3 Yaaay! Holidays!! Can't wait :D
> 
> Also I want to give my big thanks to [Mishotche](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Mishotche/profile) who draw a wonderful fanart for me and this fic, you can see it [here](https://www.instagram.com/p/BPNuak7hThE/) . It's really wonderful and I am so deeply touched and thankful TT_TT Thank you once again, sweety <3 amazing!! <3 
> 
> The last thing, thank you for everyone who came back to read this story!! OMG, I don't have words... So many of you stayed with me... thank you from all my heart, it means a lot to me TT_TT I love all of you so much <3 <3
> 
> See you soon, again in chapter from Yuuri's POV <3
> 
> Love and kisses,  
> Vitavili <3

 

> Life ain't fair. It ain't. Not never. It's pointless and stupid and there's only suffering and pain and people who want to hurt you. You can't love nothing or no one cuz it'll all be taken away or ruined and you'll be left alone and constantly having to fight, constantly having to run just to stay alive.  
>  **Patrick Ness**

_I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate this loneliness he left behind. I hate that he left me with nothing just a pain and emptiness. I hate that leaving me was so easy for him. I used to hate the word hate, but now it became my favorite one. It’s because of him. Even if he decides to return, I will never forgive him, not after he made me start hating Life and Love_ _._

 

* * *

**14 days before**

* * *

**2023, April 10.**

“Let’s don’t have sex until you pass the exam.” That’s what he said when I was about to take off Yuuri’s shirt. I am sorry, what? I am hearing things, right? Or he just said that we won’t have sex for 14 days?? FOURTEEN. I tried to understand this number in my head, but I couldn’t it sounded like a really difficult theorem. My hands froze on Yuuri’s waist and I raised my head to see his eyes. I was expecting to see that he was joking, but no… they were damn serious. Even if his face was blushed and I felt all reactions of his body he still didn't show any sign that it was a joke. Yuuri’s brown eyes were shining and the color was even darker than always because of excitement he was feeling inside. And still.

“That was very funny,” I answered to him, with the smile on my lips. He is getting so good at lying, really. I almost believed it. But I knew that Yuuri can’t live without my touches like I can’t live without his. I think the only one thing that we never had a fight about was sex. We always agreed at least on this topic. So whaaaat nooow? He must be making fun of me. I grabbed his body harder, at least I wanted to because Yuuri quickly moved to the side leaving me with empty hands.

“I am not kidding, that will be your motivation to pass the exam.” Yuuri tried to smile, but I saw that his lips are trembling a little bit, so he is not sure about this himself. It just doesn’t make sense at all! My motivation for studying is that I know that every day after it I will be able to relax with Yuuri, to be more specific, in him. I stepped towards him and he stepped back. “Doooon’t look at me like that.” Look how? He suddenly turned around and started running one second before I caught on him. Oh no, you won’t. I started running after him, Yuuri was already in the living room, running towards the balcony but I quickly jumped over the couch and jumped on him. It hurt to fall on the ground but at least I had him in my arms. Yuuri screamed and grabbed my body so hard, that even I let the sound from the lips. “Are you insane???” I could understand why he started shouting at me, he still didn’t let me go, even Yuuri’s breathing was hard and fast.

“The one insane is you! And I will fuck this stupid idea from your head.” I grabbed his face with my both hands, but Yuuri pressed his lips so hard, that even if I try to open them with pliers it would be impossible. He just started shaking his head so hard, but eyes weren‘t scared at all, more like dead serious. But... but... but... I want to make love!

“Fine! You still will beg me for this already after two days!” I let him go and sat on the floor turning my back to him. Why I have to get this punishment? I was trying so hard to study and learn that super difficult language, just because I really wanted to become closer to Yuuri. I want him to be even more proud of me. Will it help if I start crying? Somehow it reminded me of those times when I was just after surgery and sometimes I pretended to be weaker than I actually was, just because I wanted to get more attention and care from him. It was fun to look how Yuuri is trying and feel how much he loves me. I don’t know why I didn’t feel bad about doing that and I could say that he also loved to take care of me. It’s not that he doesn’t love me now or doesn’t care… our love was strong and I knew this, I was feeling this every day and night and not just because of sex. The way we talked to each other and sometimes we even didn’t need words to understand what we want to tell… but this time was different.

“But… but… we can do other stuff… you know.” Just from his voice, I could feel that Yuuri is all blushed. Just funny how even after all this time, he is still blushing while talking about things like this one. He could be really cute, but when Yuuri had the mood it wasn’t difficult for him to speak really dirty stuff to get what he wants. I felt how he wraps hands around my shoulders, but now I was the one pissed off.

“Nah, I am good. It’s not hard to wait few days and then enjoy myself looking how you beg.” I didn’t move even an inch, actually holding myself from turning back and still take what I want now. But let’s prove how wrong he is if Yuuri thinks that he can hold himself back for this long. That’s what living together is all about. Challenges.

“I won’t beg!!” He suddenly pulled me back and I wasn’t ready to resist. So just after a few seconds my head was already on his lap, Yuuri was kneeling so I could see his face above mine, he looked at me for a few seconds and then raised his brows. “Are you mad at me? Don’t be a baby...” he opened his mouth from surprise and I saw that Yuuri wants to laugh, but it wasn’t funny at all. I closed my eyes and turned a little bit head, so now half of face was hidden in his palm. Yuuri kissed my cheek. His kisses always felt so good, no matter where. Sometimes I loved to kiss him rough, but his kisses were always so sweet and gentle, so warm and I was feeling cherished. “I can still make you feel good.” He said quietly and touched my face with his. Yuuri’s cheek was hot and his breathing was so slow and deep. He really won’t hold back for so long, no way. But for now alright, let’s stay in this childish game he created. I gave up. Make me feel good.

  
Sometimes, but really really rare, I still think about my past. Actually, I am giving my thanks to God that Yuuri didn’t show up in my life earlier than he had. Because… for example, just after that overdose I had and when I just started going to psychologists and all the bullshit about my mental state came out to daylight, I think it was around the end of April in 2019. That was the time when I didn’t write even one letter for him and in general, I was a total mess. I hated him, I started hating Yuuri so much so for everything that happened I blamed just him. That was the moment when my soul totally broke into pieces and when I tried not to think that I have just 5 years left. In my heart, I knew that it’s my fault that I tried to suicide, but still… I had to blame him, even for that his leaving changed me so much. Changed in a bad way. I was so angry all the time, at everyone, so sarcastic and full of darkness. I think if he would have shown up by that time, I wouldn’t be able to forgive him. Never. Maybe that rough part of my character I have now are still remains of the past, but Yuuri is really good at controlling me. He is the only one who can do this. Oh, my… I am so glad that he saved me and that he came back after all. Even thankful that he came back exactly in that time… when I was ready to take him back in, even if he had to show me that this time it’s not a game for him. Really, thank you… I don’t know what I would do without him. I would be gone already. Yuuri, thank you.

 

* * *

**3 days before**

* * *

**2023, April 21.**

I have never spent so much time for studying in my whole life. I swear, almost from the early morning until the late evening, doing just a small breaks for eating and sometimes going out with Makkachin, I even didn’t skate, even once on this period, it wasn’t like me at all. But… I have to do my best, for sex. I mean for Yuuri and for myself. I just couldn’t believe that he really didn’t say anything! There were few times when I already thought that he won’t hold back, but he was able to control himself somehow. How even? I mean, I saw from his eyes, that Yuuri is regretting all his words so much, but he was stubborn, at this situation even more than me. And it was hard… hard for me to look at his beautiful naked body when he walks from the bathroom or try to stay still when Yuuri touches me. Sometimes I felt that he was doing it on purpose to provoke me. Like he wanted me to try convincing him again, but I didn’t, I tried to sit with my head hell high and look really calm. And in the evening try to enjoy myself just by touching his body – it was really a good torture. So who will give up first? Hahaha, really not me. I mean, I was born to win. Literally.

And here we go again, Yuuri touching me and saying that word in Russian. He is doing this on purpose, I swear! Because my husband really knew how it affects me. I was sitting calm (at least I tried) and he had to give up, of course. Take that you cute little Katsudon! But when he left to meet with Alexey and the door closed, I bumped my forehead to the table. That sucks so much… He can’t even imagine what I will do to him after these few days… he won’t have this kind of idea ever again.

“Makkachin, you understand how I am feeling, right?” I reached his head with my fingers and rubbed that soft fur. So my only method to avoid thinking about Yuuri was studying, that’s an explanation for everything. But since he is gone, I can have a little bit rest, because my eyes are already burning from those kanji. And I can even see them everywhere around me. Even Makkachin looks like one big kanji. I am soooo bad at this, but I still have to try. Even when my phone started ringing I moved my head really lazily and didn’t rush to answer. “Helllloooo…” I said it slowly forgetting to look who is calling.

“It took you ages to answer! What the hell are you doing? Shitting?” Yurio’s strong voice made me want to pull away the phone from my ear, but I was too lazy to do that. Always with the best version about my activity.

“Yeah, I am. As hard as I can. So?” I answered with a bored voice. It‘s quite simple to play the same game as he, that way you can make him feel lost. Oh, Yurio, of course, knows that his jokes work just on Yuuri, but not on me.

“Nothing. Good luck.” He suddenly started to laugh and I also smiled. Yurio was an amazing prove that love can heal. From that point, I think he was even more broken than me. I mean he was so angry at the world that he was ready to hurt others. No matter that I was in the same situation, I couldn’t even think about the possibility to hurt someone else physically. I was using words in order to protect myself from more pain. But Yurio almost went too far and actually just with Yuuri’s help I was able to forgive him, then I also saw how he has changed after getting back with Otabek… and then I understood that we were hurt almost the same, just expressed the pain differently. Time helps, it heals everything… and now Yurio was a really important person to Yuuri and me.

“You have called just for that?” I asked after he stopped laughing and I heard some noise in the background. He must be in the ice skating center, getting ready for some competition. Still young and has so much potential, but until now even he wasn’t able to surpass Yuuri’s points for the free program.

“No, actually I was wondering if you could look after our cats for a few days. We are going to a competition in Paris since you have a flat in Moscow so…” Yeah, right… why you need friends? To take care of your pets while you are away.

“I am sorry, it’s impossible. We are leaving to Tokyo tomorrow. We ourselves asked Lyosha (short version of Alexey) to take care of Makkachin.” Even if we didn't have that flight to Japan, I still couldn’t take care of them. Not because I don’t like cats (they can be cute sometimes), but because those three devils that Otabek and Yurio had always scares poor Makkachin and he has to hide from them. My poor puppy.

“Huh? So don’t leave. Go next time. Listen, I even pay for you.” Hm… I wonder how much? No no no, we have to go to Japan and I have to take that exam, we were planning this for so long. “What? Oooh… he has an exam… You have an exam?” the first part of the sentence he said to someone not to me, I guess to Otabek, who else could know this? It’s not that I didn’t tell Yurio, that I am leaving, but he simply forgot. “Whatever… I will just ask my grandpa again…” he sighed and then I got into the meaning of his words.

“You say Paris? Will you sleep in Ana’s place?” I knew that she is renting there a flat (my aunt was really rich), but that’s about it. She didn’t talk with Yuuri and even with me. Every time, I tried to call her (usually, because Yuuri kept asking me that) she just said something about being busy with studies. Always. And she even hasn't returned for holidays.

“Yeah, she said that it’s not a problem.” How come that she is talking with Yurio, but not with me or Yuuri, the ones she really loved before. Or maybe that’s the main reason? She doesn't want to talk with people who might ask her to come back? I wanted to ask Yurio how he was able to talk with her, but in the end, I didn’t. That crazy girl just has her own plans and I don’t think that my question would change anything. It’s just would be nice if she wouldn’t hurt Yuuri.

“Give my greetings to her. But like in Russian style.” I said and Yurio started giggling I guess imagining those “greetings” he could possibly give to her. Just now I thought that this boy could be the only one person who can make her understand that with her behavior she is hurting everyone, including herself. Like ever she could live a happy life without her brother around. I don’t believe in this.

“Alright. And Victor… kick that Japanese exam into the balls.” After saying this Yurio hung up the phone and I sighed remembering again everything that is coming. I think I was afraid of talking part the most. Also writing… and listening… and reading. Ah, everything. I slid from the chair and laid on the ground hugging Makkachin. He was sleeping, but at the same moment I hugged him, my beloved puppy raised his head and licked my nose. I moved closer, putting the hand under my head that it would be more comfortable to lay.

“Do you think I am ready? Or maybe really we should just go next month? Hm?" I don’t know. But I really want to go to Japan with Yuuri and meet there our anniversary, watch blooming Sakura together, because it’s exactly the time when they are blooming, with that beautiful pink color, turning everything, even the smallest thing into magic. I also want to eat real Ramen and Katsudon… and walk around our favorite places in Osaka. Ooooh, I just can’t wait to have all that lovely-dovely time with Yuuri. After these wonderful thoughts, I hid my face in Makkachin's fur and smiled really widely. I don’t know why my puppy was a little bit trembling right now, maybe he also felt the excitement I was feeling? Isn’t that great?

 

The next morning, I swear I was ready to go back home when our flight was delayed for the second time. And the weather wasn’t even bad! So then what the hell? We were waiting in the airport for almost three hours now and the timetable showed that we may have to wait for three more. Yuuri was more emotional than me, so he just couldn’t sit calmly, he was walking around and then went to buy water, walked around again, until I grabbed him and made to sit on my lap. Who is a baby now?

“Love, come down. If you don’t want to wait, we can just return home.” I tried to calm him down by putting my lips on his neck, I could feel how fast his heart is beating. We had to fly now to Pekin and from there take a plane to Tokyo.

“No… I want to go now… I want to go with you and see Sakura and walk around… because later skating season starts again and we won’t have any free time.” He answered and took my hands into his, pressed my fingers hard and sighed.

“Or maybe you want to give your body to me? And you just can’t hold back anymore.” After I whispered this into Yuuri’s ear he started blushing so fast and hard, even moved a little bit on my lap, but I didn’t let him go. I knew he won’t answer to me because then he will have to admit the truth and at the same time lose this stupid game he created.

“Don’t you think that Makkachin was acting really strange today?” he changed the topic after a few minutes. Well played, Yuuri. But we all know the truth, right? I gently kissed his neck again and then put my chin on his shoulder.

“Yeah… maybe, when you say it like that. But I guess we are just leaving him alone too much. Don’t worry, he will be fine.” I knew that. I felt that. Even if Makkachin was old, I knew that he won’t leave this world without us around. It’s not a time for him. But I admit, the fact that he brought that ball to play was really strange. But we can play with him after we return, as long as he wants.

“I… want… go to Japan… because then… Monday will come faster…” finally he admitted it, even if it made Yuuri blush like a tomato and hid his face in my shoulder. He was sitting on my lap with hands wrapped around my neck trying to breathe slowly and calm, but without any success. Yes!! That’s what I was waiting for and I got it. Surely he wasn’t talking about the exam, more about the time after it. Will I ever get enough of this? This moment was perfect. Every moment, when he is in my arms safe is happy for me. I would never wish for more. Just for his happiness and safety.

  
Finally, we got on the plane, it was around 12 p.m. The weather was good so that’s why pilot said that even with changing the plane we should land in Tokyo on 23 of April around 8 a.m. (Sunday) in the morning. That just great because the exam is on Monday so I will still have time to sleep and repeat some things. Also maybe Yuuri will give up and give me “good luck” gift before the exam. I am really thinking about this too much, right? But what can I do if I love Yuuri’s body that much and I really need to have it? And it wasn’t about the sex as some kind of action. I was addicted to the feeling. For example touching his body with my tongue and feel that it’s not just a touch… but something so much more deeper. As if I was able to reach his heart with my tongue as well. I am alive because of Yuuri and I needed to feel his vitality. I needed that warmth and every single moan he was letting out because of me. After all this time and always. It will never be enough. And I knew that his naked body no matter what belongs just to me because he was the one who fell in love with my broken soul before he put it back from the pieces.

I can't say that his personality changed a lot, but I didn't even want him to change. I actually, I wanted him… in every way, there is to want a person. My soul and heart are happy. So just looking at him sleeping was enough for now. What really got better... is his appearance. People say that when you are in love person looks more beautiful to you. But that's not it. Even if he wasn't skating that much as before, until now he had a strong and skinny body, Yuuri grew up not just as a person inside, but also from his face features I could say that he was more mature (and still he was showing sometimes that baby face and wide eyes for me), with that strong chin line and more serious eyes, finally with peace inside. He looked really sexy. I am telling you. He was a real sex bomb even because of his hair, which was growing more not in length, but in volume, he had so many of them and it was such a pleasure to grab it between my fingers. Now going in the street I could also feel that girls also are watching him not only me, and it was the only thing that I didn't like. I don't like that people are looking at my property. I covered Yuuri a little bit more with the blanket, he was deep in his sleep and started reading my notebook again, repeating the meanings of kanji in my head. Soon… our first anniversary is so soon and for it, I have such a big plan, something that I couldn’t do a year ago, but finally I will. I will show my true love for Yuuri. With proper words this time.

**I just loved the idea of making him mine over and over again.**

 


	3. Chapter 43. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~~~
> 
> The last exam is done!! I still have some paperwork I need to be done, but meh, it's nothing! <3  
> Anyway, at first I want to say that I just did the worst failure in this fic :D I mean, I read about Japanese Proficiency test (the one that Victor is taking) and it seems that you can take them just on July or on December... not in April. LOL. but just let's leave it like this :D Let's say that in the future they might add some dates :D it's a fanfic after all... Sorry!!! <3
> 
> So yeah, as I promised... it's coming... in chapter 4 and after that... well... after that you will see ^-^
> 
> Next chapter should be on Sunday when I finish my paperwork :D <3
> 
> Love you,  
> Vitavili <3

The first thing I did when we entered our hotel room in Tokyo – jumped on the bed and hid my face in a fluffy and big pillow. Those flights always are so tiring, even if you get some sleep on the plane it’s still impossible to have a good rest and because of different time zones your inner clock always gets confused and doesn’t understand what’s going on. Now it’s around 10 in the morning, but for me, it was like the middle of the night, that’s why I couldn’t stop myself from wanting lay in bed. Victor was walking somewhere in the room, looking around, but I didn’t have so much energy. I guess he also was tired, but at the same time too worried about the upcoming exam that’s why he couldn’t calm down. I would like to say: Don’t worry, love. It’s not that hard. But I can’t lie. I mean… I was born in Japan so I didn’t have to take it, but I have heard that it’s difficult., Anyway if it was just the fifth level, the easiest of all, so how hard it can be? It’s not typical for Victor to get worried over these things. Even if he fails, who cares? We are not together because of his Japanese knowledge.

“It’s so beautiful, Yuuri!” he said and I moved my head a little bit that I could see my lover's face. He was standing next to the window, with hands wrapped around his waist, looking down at the city. I guess he was looking at the park, because Victor was smiling and his eyes were shining, he was looking like a child who just saw something really magical. I knew that he loves looking at blooming cherries and I was happy to see how he does that.

“Want to go for a walk?” I asked, still not moving. Alright, I can get up somehow and go for a walk, after that I will have like 13 hours of sleep. Or maybe if we go to a park, I can sleep on the grass, somewhere under the Cherry and it will look like from those mangas about School life. For some minutes Victor was still looking through the window, but then he walked towards me and sat on the bed.

“It’s alright… have a rest. We can go there tomorrow after exam… and the day after that… and another day…” he was talking and smiling at the same time. This smile was my favorite one, but something about it was different. Victor wasn’t anxious about the upcoming exam (as I said, the anxiety knight it’s me… so it’s more likely that I will get anxious because I feel that Victor is concerned about something), but there was something that he is not telling me. He took one of my legs and helped to take off the shoe, then did the same with another one and covered me with a blanket.

“How about you? Lay next to me.” I asked and grabbed his hand like he would want to run somewhere, but Victor was sitting calm, still looking at me with the same loving eyes. No, really? What’s with that look. I pressed his fingers harder and Victor slowly took off my glasses with another hand. Great, now the view is blurry, but he was close enough for me to see.

“I will try studying for some hours more and then I will join you, alright? In the evening we can go somewhere to eat… sound good?” Victor asked, after putting my glasses away he gently touched my cheek but I started blushing. If he starts doing something more, all my sleep will be gone. I nodded few times, accepting his offer, with his thumb Victor touched the corner of my eye and I closed them, just feeling his loving touch. I really need to ask why is making this face right now… like… he… is seeing me for the first time…

 

Usually, when I wake up, I automatically start searching for glasses, because it helps me to feel more confidently, but this time I started searching for Victor next to me, but it was empty. That what made me open eyes widely. He is not here, but he promised that he will. Victor was a person who always does what he wants, but when he promises to come to bed or stay with me, he usually doesn't miss the chance. I rolled on my back and looked at the ceiling, it was still bright in the room so I guess I haven’t slept all day. But my heart was beating faster than usually, maybe because of the dream I had? I remember that it wasn’t a pleasant one, but I couldn’t remember what happened… something was chasing me I guess and I couldn’t find the exit of some creepy place. Like I said, this is the worst thing about traveling somewhere… those damn time zones, always leaving your mind at the point of confusion. Still lying in the bed, I heard noises from the bathroom and of course, I got clear where my lover is. After this restless sleep, of course, I wanted to see Victor really badly, so I got up, with one hand rubbing my messy hair and walked towards the bathroom.

“Oh, love, you are just in time. Can you wash my hair?” Victor’s voice came from a big bathtub. I mean it was big enough for him to lay with his legs fully stretched. That’s an achievement. He heard how I walked in so after that he moved a little bit until he got half sitting, then he put his head on the corner of the tub. Victor was lying with his back facing the door, so he couldn’t see me, but I enjoyed myself the view of grown up man lying in the tub full of bath bubbles plus not just white but also different colors. And tell me how can you not love him every second even more? Victor didn’t wait for my answer because he knew that I won’t refuse. I took a little chair and drew it closer to the tub.

“So you didn’t sleep at all?” I asked, looking at Victor’s face, his eyes were closed and he had some bubbles on his cheek. I cleaned them with my thumb after sitting on the chair and taking the bottle of shampoo into my hand. Victor didn’t open his eyes, just smiled before answering.

“Of course I did. But you were sleeping for so long, that I decided to take a bath.” Victor was such a good liar that even until now I can’t say if he is saying the truth or is he lying to me. Maybe he did what he have said, but more I felt like he was studying all this time and just now took a rest, but doesn’t want to tell me, because he knows that I will make him go sleep after the bath. He will go sleep anyway because after looking at his face I saw that circles under Victor's eyes got really dark. No, no eating in the city tonight, we will leave everything for tomorrow. I put the bottle aside before starting washing his head, stood up and moved to the side of the bath, that I could see Victor face more clearly. “Yuuri?” he opened eyes, striking me all the way with that bright blue color that touched even the last corner of my heart. I leaned more forward.

“Victor, you have to tell me… what you were thinking after watching through the window. I just can’t forget that look on your face. Is everything alright? If you are worried about the exam…” when he started shaking his head, I didn’t finish my sentence. So it’s not about the exam, then what? It can’t be a bad thing? I started thinking about past few weeks, but our life was really calm, we both had a perfect health (thank you God) and our friends were also alright (Ana and Alexey are another case)… I could even call my life in general perfect, I had everything that I ever dreamed about. And for me was important to share every feeling just because I wanted to avoid bad thoughts as much as possible.

“I was thinking about… you.” His face got clear again with the same smile as before. Victor raised his hand and touched my face with wet but warm fingers. About me? Isn’t he always thinking about me? It sounded selfish, but that’s the truth. If we are spending all the time together so who else you can possibly think about? But that smile was different. “I remembered… Two thousand sixteen, when I came to Japan…” he started speaking and at the same time slid down with his hand from my face to the shirt buttons and one by one released them. “When… I became your coach… that day, when we met… it was April, Sakuras were also blooming.” I don’t know why I started leaning forward even more. He still remembers… even the month. So it happened seven years ago… Jeez, seven years. When Victor finished with shirt's buttons, I took it off and his hand was already on the belt of my jeans. “I just remembered… how lucky I am to have you. And how much I love you.” I was getting into the tub even before I took off my jeans completely, so half of them became wet, but who cares? Victor’s voice and words have hypnotized me, and there was nothing I could do. So I got inside the warm water, kneeling between his legs still with my underwear. Bath bubbles were everywhere, but I still wrapped my arms around Victor’s neck fully laying on him. Stop getting my head dizzy from happiness every single minute when you open your mouth, Nikiforov. That’s what I wanted to tell him at first because my heart in the chest was beating like crazy. Our eyes met and I couldn’t move them away… he loves me so much and I can’t get enough of it.

“Those should be my words… because you came to me… standing in that hot spring totally naked and saying that you will make me win Grand Prix final. I don’t really know at that moment what I wanted to win more, you or that final.” I started speaking still with that strong feeling inside me. Can he feel my heart pounding? Can he feel how my fingers are trembling? I miss him. I miss his body so much. “Definitely you.” It wasn’t hard to choose the answer when Victor’s fingers got under my boxers and helped me to take them off. After that, he hugged me tight and I sat more comfortable, I straddle his legs and he got a little bit up, to get more into the sitting position.

“Really?” Victor rubbed his nose next to my ear and I pressed him against me harder. Yes, really… without any doubt. He was always my first choice… if not Victor then I don’t need anything else. And now when I have reached all goals I have ever wanted in my career there is no one and nothing after Victor on my list.

“Yeah… but don’t you think our life is too perfect right now?” I took my husband’s face into my hands and slowly kissed his lips once, feeling the taste of a soap on them. I was thinking about this for some time now. It’s not that I want problems in my life, I had plenty of them in the past and just not long ago finally all the shadows that were left behind disappeared. But… the thing is... that I already got used to our life like this. And if something… even the smallest thing happens I was afraid that I just wouldn’t be able to handle it. I don’t know how to explain what I was feeling… maybe afraid to lose something, even if it’s going to be a really small part, what I have now. I don’t want our love to fade away, I want it to be as strong as it is now... forever. I don’t want to meet someone who could want to separate us, even if it’s impossible… but…

“So you don’t like the idea of having a perfect life with me?” Victor pressed his lips to my cheek and I closed my eyes. His hands were rubbing my back slowly, that way giving attention to every line of my body. Sitting in the bath together with him gives me life. We should go visit my family while we are still in Japan and have a good time in hot springs. Just of course, not at the time when Phichit comes to visit us, I could already imagine him peeking at us. Or maybe he grew up? I haven’t met him since Victor’s birthday.

“I like. I love that. I just don’t want it to end. Never.” After my words, Victor moved his head a little bit and looked right into my eyes. He was trying to understand what I wanted to say with my words, but there was no secret meaning, everything is like I said. I want that the rest of our life together would be the same as this past one year, is not that much, right?

“So it won’t end,” Victor promised me making this moment absolutely perfect. He could repeat these words over and over again to me and the happiness would be as strong as for the first time. I kissed him hard, putting my hands on Victor’s shoulders and moving my hips a little bit. Oh well, it’s just one night left, I guess we could make an exception… it would be like a good luck wish for his exam. I turned the kiss into even deeper, but Victor’s answer was not what I wanted now. I tried to move my hips again giving him an obvious hint what I am proposing him to do and despite that, his hands were still on my back. What the hell?

“Touch me…” I said really quietly, trying to control myself from blushing. I moved my lips just a little bit from his, but after saying my words I returned back to the kissing. But even after my request, nothing changed I just started getting impatient. Doesn’t he understand? He wants the same, I know this! All these days Victor was controlling himself from doing something more and now, when I am showing him that he can finally take what he wants, Victor acts like an innocent one. “I want you,” I said even more clearly than before this time not even holding myself from blushing.

“I am sorry, what? I didn’t catch that… Can you repeat?” Victor stopped the kiss and slid from my face to neck with his lips, gently biting my skin and I flinched from the pleasure and with his hand, Victor slid down my back, grabbed my ass so hard that I accidently moaned.

“I… I want… you… please… please…” and how I could hold myself from almost begging him when everything inside me started twitching? This time just his touch won’t be enough, my body won’t be able to relax until I get more. His hands are so strong and my breathing gets faster and faster as I feel how his fingers move little by little in that direction where I want them to be. Faster…

“I told you… that you will beg.” Victor started giggling and let my body go at the same time the bubble of tension exploded inside me and I froze. Victor giggling turned into the laugh and he almost looked like a pure evil while I was sitting on him with those wide opened eyes, my hands were again trembling but this time, not from excitement. I lost.

“Bu-t… b-ut… not aft-er two days… like you said I will…” I started murmuring something, trying to avoid that strange feeling inside me. Victor was still silently laughing, of course, feeling good after he got what he wanted and I turned my head to the side. It’s not nice to act like this…

“Yuuri? What are you doing?” he was still smiling, when I stood up and got out from the bathtub. “Really? Now, who is acting like a baby?” Victor asked again when I didn’t answer, just quickly dried my body with the towel and picked up all clothes from the floor. I am not speaking with him. Not after he made all this thing in one huge joke. “Nooooo, really, come back, Yuuri.” He asked but I just shook my head and walked from the bathroom. One of my sides really wanted him to run after me and take me back into that tub, but I was too suborn to admit it. Victor didn’t come after me.

  
When he returned from the bathroom strangely in a good mood, I also tried to look like nothing happened. We went together to eat at the restaurant downstairs but nothing more. After we returned to our room, Victor again went back to his studying and I was chatting with Alexey all the evening. This part of the conversation made me worried the most.

 **Message** : _Yuuri_ 11: 34 a.m. BT  
_Btw, Makka is acting strange… dunno what to do._

 **Message:** _Alexey_ 7:36 p.m. JST  
_How strange? Not eating? Not sleeping?_

 **Message** : _Yuuri_ 11:45 a.m. BT  
_Not that. He wants to go outside, but when we go he just stands next to the car, as if he wants to go somewhere._

 **Message:** _Alexey_ 7:48 p.m. JST  
_So just give him a ride…_

 **Message:** _Yuuri_ 11: 51 a.m. BT  
_Lol. Thx, Sherlock. I already did that… but I think he is searching for you. I am worried._

 **Message:** _Alexey_ 7:54 p.m. JST  
_I will talk to Victor tomorrow._

Later we talked just about random things until Alexey had to leave to work. I didn’t tell Victor about Makkachin today because he had already enough with this exam, I didn’t want to get him worried about this thing also. But maybe we should go back after this? It’s not because I am mad or something, I really wanted to stay in Japan longer and do a lot of stuff here together. But from the moment we left I was worried about the behavior of our dog and in this situation I was ready to sacrifice our holiday. I really didn’t want him to die from stress or something like that. Victor will agree with me, he loves Makkachin the same as I, maybe even more, because he spent more time with him. But then I can’t talk with Victor anymore today because he will see that I am hiding something. So what should I do?

“I am going to sleep,” I said getting up from the couch and taking off t-shirt then pants. Victor was writing something, I guess repeating katakana or hiragana because his hand was writing something non-stop and this was the only thing he knew this well to write without stopping. His hand froze and he slowly turned to me. Victor’s eyes were even more tired than before and all I wanted to do is hug him strongly right now, but I got into the bed and covered myself until the nose.

“But it’s only nine…” he said silently, like trying to be careful because I might start shouting. I wonder if he still thinks that I am mad about what happened in the bathroom. I wasn’t mad… at first, I was kind of pissed off, but later just too embarrassed to admit that what I did was really stupid and childish. Until the last moment I didn’t lose hope that Victor will come to me, but I he decided to give me some space. And now… I really want him beside me, but there is another reason why I can’t and it’s not because of my selfish wish. “Are you still mad?” He asked this with such a sad voice that my heart almost stopped, nooo… I am not mad, I am not… please don’t make such a voice or I won’t be able to hold back.

“No… I just feel tired… because of those time zones.” That’s what I answered and of course, Victor understood that I am lying, but he didn’t know the real reason. I closed my eyes and I heard how he sighs and then I guess he got back to studying because I didn’t hear an answer.

At night I woke up for a few seconds, actually, I even flinched after dreaming something scary again. Something that I couldn’t remember. I was lying in Victor's arms, breathing fast and irregularly. I don’t have any idea why my body was shivering, but I grabbed my lover’s body fast and hard as if it was the only way to protect myself. I didn’t have this kind of feeling for so long… my nightmares about broken leg and separations stopped as soon as I started living with Victor again so… I couldn’t explain this. I couldn’t say what the dream was about.

“Victor…” I called him, but he didn’t move. I guess Victor was really tired after studying so much, but he was still holding me so tight that even if I wanted I wouldn’t be able to move from his hands. As if I ever want that. I pressed my head to his chest and started listening to his heartbeat. Time was going really slowly and I got the feeling that I will never get back to sleep, but somehow, in the end, I did… how… when… I didn’t have any idea.

  
“Wish me good luck!” we were standing next to the metro station, the building where Victor had to take the exam was right next to it and I wanted to go to some coffee shop until he finishes it. We didn’t talk much in the morning, Victor was repeating Japanese words over and over again. I didn’t talk with him for the same reason as yesterday, but this morning he wasn’t paying a lot of attention to me and that was a good thing. Thank you, God, after few hours I will be able to tell him the truth about my silence. And maybe this evening or tomorrow we will be already going back to Russia.

“Ganbatte.” I grabbed his face and kissed hard, making even few people turn around and look at us. So? Be jealous. I know that it's unusual to demonstrate love this openly in public place but even about that, I didn’t think right now. For me, it was already normal. While living with Victor I learned a lot of new things that previously were strange to me, but now not. I felt how Victor smiles, I touched his hand and let my eyes down blushing a little bit from his gaze, not from the kiss. “Hey… what is that?” I took his arm into my hand. Today Victor was wearing a white shirt and on top of them a blue sweater. But just now I noticed that there is a big hole on the sweater, right on the spot where his elbow was.

“Oh… I guess accidently ripped it somewhere… I didn’t notice before.” He sighed looking at the torn place. I can’t believe that I let him out with the sweater like this. Well, we don’t have time to change it now. Let’s just hope that others are not that acute. Not taking care of my husband like a pro at all… we will need to buy new sweater today.

“Alright, never mind. Call me after the exam.” After my words, Victor gave me a kiss once again and then went towards the building. Even after twenty minutes, I could still feel the taste of his lips and how he pressed my body harder than always. Or maybe it was just my imagination.

I chose a small coffee shop, where the view from the window was really nice. It was not far away from the center, so I thought that we can meet with Victor somewhere there. Actually, he should finish exam soon, because it took me ages to find a place where I want to sit in. I even didn’t use the metro to get here, I walked by foot, just looking around at this huge city, full of life and people. Trying to observe everything until the smallest details. Actually, more I wanted to find something why I couldn’t find the piece in the heart. It’s strange because I am already used to travel a lot, but then I thought that this time we should have just stayed home… first of all of, our poor worried Makkachin, also Victor told me that Yurio called and asked if we can take care of his cats and our plane was delayed... Maybe I really should have gone to Paris… anyway, nevermind. It’s already too late. I am sure that I am worried just because of all these thoughts, but as soon as Victor finishes his exam we will start enjoying our holidays forgetting everything else… or no, if we decide to return to Russia because of Makkachin. But maybe… at least for one day.

I ordered a black coffee with milk, not really pushing myself to drink faster, looked around. At the table next to me there was a family sitting. Mother, Father, and little son. The boy got my attention, not because he had a really beautiful smile which made your heart almost freeze and was all fluffy and cute… but the color of his eyes. They were blue, sky blue… so bright and pure. It reminded me of Victor, really… almost the same color and almost the same feeling while looking at them. I was already watching the boy for almost one minute, not evening understanding what I am doing when he suddenly turned his head and looked right at me. I swear for one second my heart stopped. He smiled at me and took his toy – a little dog - wanted to give it to me.

“Shuusei, what are you doing? Leave the poor boy alone.” His mother spoke in English, she was a foreigner and his father went to ask something at the bar, he was Japanese, so the boy had dark hair and those clear blue eyes, even brighter than his mother’s. “I am really sorry…” she smiled at me but I just shook my head, it’s nothing. I am still used that everyone around calls me boy, but I think I was the same age as Shuusei's mother. The boy was still holding the toy, looking at me with the same smile – heartwarming. So I slowly reached to take the toy.

“Is he again forcing someone to play with him?” Boy’s father came back and Shuusei after giving me the toy, suddenly blushed and covered his face with palms. I think he was about two years old, not very talkative, but amazingly cute.

“It’s alright.” I smiled. After seeing this boy I started feeling better. Really. “You have a really beautiful toy, Shuusei,” I said this and put the dog back on the table, the boy still with blushed cheeks took it back to his arms and pressed hard against the chest. Jeez, he is really beautiful. And I saw that his parents are totally in love with their son, the way they looked at him was more than every child would have ever wanted. I left that perfect family alone and turned back to my coffee. If I stare too much, it will be strange. I still was feeling that the little boy is looking at me with those deep blue eyes, as he wants to talk with me. But at the same moment, my phone started ringing making me forget about the boy. It was Victor.

Until now I thought that there is no one who could tear us apart. And I was right. No one. But I have never thought about something that could have the same power or even stronger. And we can’t stop it, we can’t protect ourselves from it. Our love won’t help. It’s not a person.  
I answered the call and closed my eyes. I love Victor’s voice. That’s why I didn’t want to look around when I hear it and that’s exactly why at first I didn’t understand that the cup on my table starts softly vibrating. I talked with the love of my life relaxed, still at that second thinking that we have forever.

But it was just a second before my life was over, just a second before the world started falling apart.

Life made us together and life will tear us apart.  
After all, we all get what we deserve.


	4. Chapter 44. Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there TT_TT
> 
> I am really soooorrrry, I know it's the almost 3 a.m. (at least in my place), but I was able to finish the chapter just now TT_TT So I am sorry for those who were waiting for the next chapter all Sunday TT_TT
> 
> Good news for me, I am done with my paperwork sooo now I am freeeee! Holidays <3 <3
> 
> Good news for you, there is a spoiler to chapter 45 in the end of this chapter :3
> 
> Oh, and I got another amazing fanart for this fic!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH TT_TT I am really happy <3 <3 A lot of love <3 <3 You can see it [here](https://idrinkmytea.tumblr.com/post/156156870376/fanart-for-darling-vitavilis-wonderful-fanfic)
> 
>  
> 
> And your comments gives me life :DD You are sooo worried for our babies :DD thank you sooo much <3 <3
> 
> Love ya all!! <3  
> Vitavili

When I finished with my studying or I should say when my brains couldn’t take it anymore, Yuuri was already sleeping. I took off my clothes and laid next to him. Yuuri’s body was so warm, that I couldn’t hold myself just move closer and hug him. As soon as I took him in my arms everything was alright. He thought that I didn’t notice this, but the truth is that I know everything, I know that he is not mad about what happened in the bathroom, it was something else, I guess he was chatting with someone and there is something he just doesn’t want to tell me because it might make me feel worried before the exam. From all possibilities the most real one is that something happened to Makkachin. I don’t believe that something really bad happened to him because in that case the exam won’t be good enough reason not to tell me and Yuuri wouldn’t hide for me something like that. I know that it’s impossible for him lie to me, that’s why I think that he is just anxious because of nothing. I am not ready to move from Japan until I get the feeling of real holiday. In the worst case (if Makka is not eating or something) I will just risk and ask Alexey to bring him here. And then I will be like: “Makka, I know you feel bad after the flight, but who was a stubborn puppy, huh?” No, really… I don’t know why I wasn’t worried about that. I mean I would really feel something, but now there is no true reason. I would love Yuuri to understand this someday. There is no need to be anxious about everything. Eventually, everything will have a happy ending. I don’t see this in any other way. At some point, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. There is nothing to worry about… not now. Not as long as we are together.

When Yuuri wished me good luck that kiss I gave to him was unexpected even for me. My hands just grabbed his shoulders and lips found what they needed the most. I didn’t think about it before doing, neither I understood why my heart started beating fast after this strong but short kiss. It’s so crazy but I actually I wish that he would go with me… wait until I finish writing (with my knowledge it shouldn’t take long) and then we could just go somewhere together, but last minute I changed my mind to ask him this because I thought about the chance which I could use. So I just turned around, Yuuri didn’t enter metro, he crossed the street and soon disappeared in the crowd. He was gone and I couldn’t see him anymore. Maybe I should have taken one more kiss?

“Oh, my… I don’t know what to do… I shouldn't have drunk that coffee… I can’t walk in the exam room with a shirt like that.” I was waiting in the corridor with a lot of people, waiting until we will be invited to the exam room, when I heard a boy who was almost crying because his white shirt was covered in coffee. He was definitely younger than me but the same height. Actually, I think that I was the oldest here, but it’s hard to say. That boy was crying (more whipping) to his (girl)friend, but she just rolled her eyes, like thinking that it’s not the first time for him.

“You can take my sweater.” Honestly, that moment I just said this without thinking. I mean, I am not a person who could give clothes to everyone around leaving myself naked. But this boy reminded me of Yuuri, maybe he was also getting into a panic over small things. So I took my sweater off and gave it to him.

“Is… is it really alright?” he seemed lost, but when I smiled boy thankfully started nodding and took the sweater putting it on his dirty shirt. “Thank you… I will give it back after the exam.” He still looked a little bit lost but tried to smile. I know that he was thinking that I might have a kind heart or something like that and I won’t deny it. But I think that if you want people to be nice to you… you have to do the same. Doing something good always pays back. And it also feels good to do something nice.

“I have seen you somewhere…” the girl slowly spoke after looking at me for a few minutes. I pretended that I don’t notice, but actually, her gaze almost burned a hole in my face. And I thought that everyone knows that it’s not polite to stare for so long. Of course… she knows me. After I stopped participating in competitions and started doing inside works I can say that my popularity also fell down, but I didn’t mind. It was about time for people to know others skaters and another thing that ice skating is not a super popular sport, like football or basketball that’s why nobody would ever scream in the street after seeing a skater. Life usually is pretty calm, until you get to the ice center where competition takes place and where all fans are there to see you. Yeah, they are the whole world to you and then you can feel like a sports celebrity. For me, it was enough. “Yes!! You are Nikiforov. Victor Nikiforov!!” she suddenly shouted so loud that few people looked at us, of course, they didn’t have any idea who the hell Victor Nikiforov is. I tried to keep the smile on my face.

“Yeees… Bond. James Bond.” Can we turn everything into a joke right now? I tried to laugh, but she got really serious, even started searching for something in her bag. Of course, a notebook. It’s been a long time since I gave an autograph to someone. But that boy wearing my sweater now looked totally lost, not understanding what is going on here. Before she asked me something the room’s door opened and we had to go inside.

“I will give you sweater back after the exam!” the boy shouted but I just shook my head with a smile, like saying that it’s fine. No, you won’t give me back because I will be the first who runs out from here. It’s not just because of the girl, I actually loved my fans, but more about the exam itself and because I really wanted to see Yuuri as soon as possible. I mean, all these months when I started studying Japanese, I tried my best, but once they gave us the test and I looked at questions I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. That’s why I covered my mouth with palm. It’s just funny. No, really. What the hell I am looking at? I swear, at that moment I even forgot how to write in simple hiragana I am not even talking about kanji. So, it’s the easiest level, right? Nop. Just nop. This language is not for me. Just nop. With the smile on my face, I started writing something, that I thought that could be right. I even saw how someone is looking at me with opened mouth, not getting why I am smiling like after winning the lottery.

As I thought I left first, I gave my test back, still with the same smile and the women who watched us during the test smiled me back. She, of course, thought that it was really easy for me, but actually, it was the opposite. Here goes nothing. Somehow even if I was just with my shirt it was incredible warm outside, I took a deep breath and looked around. There must be somewhere a good shop, right? I need to call Phichit. I always call him when I have a similar problem. But I decided to write a message instead, just in case because usually, he likes to chat a lot.

 **Message** : _Phichit_ 15:34 JST  
_Hey, how are you doing?_

 **Message** : _Victuuri Seme_ 15:37 KST  
_Vic-chan!! I am good! Are you writing about coming to Japan? We can come tomorrow! I will look for tickets._

 **Message:** _Phichit_ 15:41 JST  
_Oh NO NO NO. I mean, you can come later. I am writing because I want to ask if you know any good sex shop in Tokyo? But somewhere in the center._

 **Message:** _Victuuri Seme_ 15:43 KST  
_Hehehe, do you want to play with Yuuri? :3 I know one... I will send you the address :3 <3_

 **Message:** _Phichit_ 15:46 JST  
_Don’t even dare to tell him. It’s a surprise._

 **Message:** _Victuuri Seme_ 15:48 KST  
_Don’t worryyyyy… I have another plan._

 **Message:** _Phichit_ 15:40 JST  
_I don’t even want to know what it is… I think._

After Phichit has sent me the address, which was not that away from the park, I got there and stoped in front of the bright red door. Do I really want to go inside? Yes, Victor. You want to go and buy those really good handcuffs because you left yours in Moscow. I need to chain Yuuri today, he is not getting away anywhere. I opened the door and there were stairs going down, also the red one. Well, seems like a place in Phichit’s style. Slowly I walked down, still trying to think about the face you should make in a sex shop. Yuuri would be the same red color as these stairs, Phichit would be super excited and happy, Yurio… well, Yurio… I started giggling trying to imagine how he could look like in this kind of place.

“Can I help you with something?” there was a girl, who must be working here. Her English wasn’t really good, but not really hard to understand. She was cute and if I would see a girl like this in the street I would never think that she might be working at a place like a sex shop. Actually, I thought that I will be the only one customer, but there was like six or seven of us. A lot for this kind of small shop, still almost all of them were foreigners like me.

“Hm… I… am searching for handcuffs?” It should have sounded like a phrase, but ended up like a question, the girl nodded and showed me the shelf with all kinds of handcuffs you could possibly think of. I tried to make a face like I really understand what it’s going on here, but actually, I couldn’t believe that there can be a candy handcuffs? Like… should I eat them after sex? And why one of them has such a long chain?? Hm… It’s really hard to pick one because I didn’t have any idea what kind of difference they have between each other. Maybe if I hear Yuuri’s voice it could help me pick something? Not pink, we once had these… oh my, there are one made from rubber. Seriously?

“Heeeey, already done with your exam?” Yuuri answered after a few seconds, he seems in a good mood. So red one should do it? He seems happy, but I should try to pretend that I am not. In that case, he might say what I want to hear.

“Yuuri… Just don’t be mad but I think I have failed.” I tried to make a sad voice because that exam still was too funny for me. That’s good that Yuuri would believe in everything I say. He sighed and I sobbed a little bit.

“It’s alright, love. I know you did your best.” He tried to make as soft voice as he possibly could and that was so cute, that I was standing in the middle of sex shop smiling like an idiot. But I guess a really beautiful idiot because one girl in the end of the shop was staring at me.

“Yeah, I know… I was trying. Really. It’s just somehow I forgot everything that I have learned, those kanji are hard! Eh…” I was sure that my voice sounded sad enough because Yuuri sighed as he was trying to think of some words that might comfort me. But words are not exactly what I need right now. “You are not mad?” I asked again and then showed with my hand to the girl, that I want the red ones. Leather. Nice.

“No… of course, I am not. I am just trying to think what I should do to make you feel better.” As he spoke I wanted to start giggling, but I had to keep that sad and serious voice, so it sounded half sobbing and sighing. I will show him what I need.

“Really? That’s good. Where are you now? Let’s meet I need your comforting kiss and hug… or I will cry.” Those last words I added on purpose, to show him how bad it could get. It’s really rare to see how I get depressed, but it seems that Yuuri totally believed that it might end like this. No no no, really… he just too cute. My baby.

“How about something more… dirty.” When Yuuri said that I was about to take out my wallet, but I just froze. Oh… here it is. What kind of expression did he make to say that? I could imagine that his face is so red at this moment. Red as these handcuffs I am buying.

“Yes, I also want that. Please.” I changed my voice completely and I knew how this deep and calm sound will affect him. Yuuri left yesterday me in the bathroom but started regretting it from the same moment. I knew that he wanted me to chase after him. I knew this all along.

“Whe-re… are you? I am in… in… coffee shop… the little one with… red roof.” Oh my, his voice started trembling so much, that he even forgot the coffee shop’s name where he was sitting in. But I remember this one… I remember seeing it on my way here. I even thought that I would like to drink coffee here. “And you? I could come to you?” he tried to make his voice calm again, but without any success. Really I can’t hold back my smile.

“Oh, I know this coffee shop. Me?” I can’t tell him that I am in sex shop buying handcuffs. By the way, the girl was really patient she was still standing still and smiling, waiting for me to give her money and I totally forgot about this. “I am near the park.” Well I almost didn’t lie, right? Finally, I took out my credit card to pay for the handcuffs.

“We could meet next to the ice center, it’s somewhere in the middle of the coffee shop and the park. Is that alright?” He started talking faster than usually and Yuuri’s voice got impatient. I could already see how he is jumping on me not paying attention to anyone around us.

“Ice center?” Alright… where the hell it is? “Sounds fine, I will be there in ten minutes.” At least I hoped that I will be there. I still need to check in google how long does it take to get there. But let’s say ten minutes would be enough if there will be a need I even could start running. I entered the pin code of my card and at the same moment, I saw how cash register on the counter starts moving. What is that? A small earthquake?

“Will you find the place? Really?” now his voice got happy, but I was still looking at the same spot and everyone around me also froze.

“Don’t worry, with google maps I know Tokyo pretty well.” To be honest I even didn’t think of what I am saying right now. It’s like I was trying to joke, but at the same time, it wasn’t funny anymore. Now I started to feel how the floor under my feet is softly moving and God… what… I even didn’t hear what Yuuri told me next, something about that I sometimes can’t even find the way in Sant Peterburg. “Of course… You dummy… I just… what… the-” Why it doesn’t stop? It get’s stronger or it’s just me? Doesn't he feel it? I guess he does because it got really silent on his side. “Ground is… earthqu-“ I flinched and lost my phone, it fell on the floor when suddenly everything around started just falling apart. The room, floor, ceiling, walls every stuff around us filled with that horrible vibration which was getting stronger and stronger every second. I even felt how every muscle in my body starts tremoring. I have never felt this before, I didn’t know how to describe everything. Such horrible thing just doesn’t exist in the place where I grew up. I saw it just in movies and on television… but it’s different. It’s so much different.

“MOVE!!” I screamed and pushed the girl from the spot when suddenly one part of the wall cracked and fell on us. I mean… on us? On me? I fell on the trembling ground and I couldn’t move, couldn’t run away, just look how it’s falling on me, from such height. I took I deep breath and closed my eyes. Everything just happened too fast and it was too strong and I was too slow to understand what’s going on. Everything was over before it even started.

  
_“The first place in Junior Grand Prix final this year goes to Victor Nikiforov!!! It’s amazing how he won gold in his first year! Incredible talent, be sure we can hope a lot of surprises in the future from this boy!” A man shouted and I happily smiled looking how tall man next to me puts a brand new gold medal on my neck, some really cute girl gave me flowers. I waved for everyone still with a big smile. I just can’t wait to show this medal to mom and dad! They will be so happy, they must be sitting somewhere here. When they will ask about this, I just won’t be able to choose which moment was the best: when I got the medal or when I gave my first real interview, oh no no, I know! All that photoshoot. So many new photos! I heard that they will put it in the sports magazine._

_“Aunt!” I walked towards her after they did the last photos. I didn’t know that she will come, that’s a surprise. And she even got a place in the backstage. “You see what I got? Look!” I showed her medal and then hugged her really hard. I need this hug, I need to show everyone how happy I am about this thing! It’s an amazing feeling! I want to participate again! I want to win a lot of gold medals and I want to become world’s champion and beat all records. “Did mom and dad came with you? I need to show them this!” I took aunt's hand and pressed really hard. Usually, she is very talkative, but until now she hasn’t said a word. I raised my head and saw that she is crying. From happiness?_

_“Victor… my boy… come.” This time she hugged me and started going somewhere. Where are we going? I still want to talk with others who have participated, I still want to say thank you for Yakov. My heart was beating so fast from happiness and all these emotions. I want to see mom so badly, I want to see her smile and I want to see dad, everyone says that I look like my father because of silver hair and blue eyes, even our voice was similar. I really need to do a photo with him holding a medal, then I will be able to imagine how I will look when I win the real Grand Prix final. We went together to a room which was more for coaches and some coordinators. Oh, I feel really important now. I thought that I will find mom and dad here, but no. I was surprised but happy to see Yakov, but there was also a man… who looked like a policeman._

_“Victor… I am really sorry to say this… but your parents died in the car accident...” The policeman spoke after about twenty seconds of strange silence and at the same moment aunt’s hands on my shoulders started trembling. I am sorry, what? Nobody comes like this and says: your parents died. I smiled. It’s not true. Of course, it’s not. Yakov turned his eyes from me and policeman looked as he was about to start crying. But I was just standing there smiling. It’s simple. His words, they didn’t exist for me. My heart was feeling differently. It’s a lie._

_“No, they did not. They are still on their way here. Don’t worry. They will come.” I nodded and my aunt started crying out loud. I don’t understand why she is crying. It’s not like my parents could ever leave me. They can’t leave me. They won’t._

_Nobody could leave by their choice._

_But he did. He left. He left and never returned. He made me into nothing. It was his choice. That’s the real feeling when someone leaves you. Truth is that you can’t feel anything, it’s gone. It’s darkness. There is no light. There is no way I could ever smile again._

  
“So… all we can do is wait for somebody to rescue us?” I heard a voice not far away from me and it took some time to understand the meaning of those words. I couldn’t open my eyes at first, they were so heavy. And my head… my head… jeez, it hurts so much. It’s burning inside. How much did I drink yesterday? Until I fainted again? I must be in hospital… but wait…

“It’s all we can do… we were lucky to have this safety room here. But we can’t get out. Obviously, we need to wait. It’s all we can do.” Wait… what’s with this horrible accent. It’s not Russian… It’s English… but jeez Christ, I have never heard that someone would be talking like this. Just from this sound, my head hurts even more.

“Right… but for how long??? She broke her arm, I think I twisted my leg and that guy is bleeding from his head!” Bleeding? Who is bleeding? I tried to figure out how to open my eyes again and when I did that… the image was really blurry. I guess I had to drink at least five bottles to feel this way. But it doesn’t feel like I am in the hospital. Did I end up in some kind of creepy orgy? Hahaha, Yakov will be really mad. Like hell, I care. “Oh, he opened his eyes. Hey, how do you feel?” I couldn’t move, but I tried to look at the person who talked. Huh? Why does he care how I feel? I saw a man, without him there were at least 4 people more. I can’t concentrate… it burns so much inside. I want to vomit from the pain. Maybe I even took some drugs? Jeez, what happened yesterday?

“Do… I look… like I am fine?” I slowly spoke. If we are in Russia, why we are speaking in fucking English? But he didn’t seem like Russian and the girl next to him… she looked like Japanese. Oh my, that’s the only thing that I don’t need right now. I don’t like Japanese at all. I don’t like their black hair and dark eyes, I don’t like their voice and their language… I hate everything about them because of him. It’s funny… my head is burning and I feel like shit and still in this condition I have to think about him. Disgusting.

“Not very polite…” there was another voice, and it was so close to me. Just now I felt that something is pressed to my head and after the voice that thing moved a bit, making me flinch and almost scream from pain. Oh shit… oh fuck… this pain…

“At least ground is not moving.” Someone said. I felt too shitty to be with opened eyes, so I closed them again.

“So? We are stuck here… and there is no signal. This one will die after few hours if we don’t stop bleeding.” I hope they are talking about me because it’s almost possible that I will try to kill myself again if this pain won’t stop. I tried three times, maybe with the forth, I will succeed. Who knows? Or they might even help me.

“They will find us… in two thousand and twenty-second, there was invented that new thing for...“ I stopped listening from the moment I heard the year. It’s this some kind of joke or what? Maybe I was in a comma or they are making fun of me? Or maybe… I am just hearing things?

“What… day is it… today?” I asked again really slowly but my tongue was like twisted and I really wanted to sleep again. Maybe…someone gave me some medicine? Good… I feel dizzy. It’s so funny.

“Huh? Twenty-forth of April.” I couldn’t recognize it was a girl or a boy who spoke. Whatever they are all the same. Well dooh, I know myself that it’s the end of April. Good to know the exact day though because I wasn’t sure about it.

“No… I mean…” It’s really hard to talk. I can’t. “I… mean… ye-ar.”

“You better not speak, really… keep your strengths.” It’s the same voice or other?

“Wha-t ye-ar?” Why do I care so much? I know what year is it now. But why did they said 2022?

“Two thousand and twenty-third.”

Hahaha…. Bullshit. No, really I am in some kind of drug addicts club right? Are we going to the future? Like time traveling?

“You dumbass… it’s two thous-and and ninete-en…” I started giggling, but the pain got too strong, so I got to stop. Actually… everything stopped even the sounds around. Finally, just darkness and silence.

 

 

> **Spoiler::**  
>  There were maybe four bodies on the ground covered with some blankets, jackets, and towels. I didn’t want to look at them… because I could still see those dead or hurt people on my way here. They need help… I also need help. I need to find Victor. Why is he not here? He should have come to the ice center, he knew I will come here.
> 
> “Alright, say to me again, who are you looking for? I have a small list of people we already have registered.” The man asked me, but I couldn't answer and this time not from pain and not because I again felt the taste of blood in my mouth. Is because of those bodies a few meters from me. Just now I understood why I can’t move my eyes from them. The last one on the right side, he was covered with a blanket, but one part of his hand was visible. It was strangely twisted, but I could see his elbow. It’s the blue sweater he is wearing… that color I knew very well. Of course, there might be a lot of people with the same sweater… but not. It can’t be coincident. The part on his sweater was ripped and I could see a hole, even from here… I saw it. I saw that there is white shirt under the sweater. Is it ground moving again? Or my head it’s just spinning? There is a hole… in his sweater… he accidently teared up… it somewhere… and I let him out like this... I let… him… out… the last time. Victor. His name as a scream I let out was the last sound I made.


	5. Chapter 45. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeelllooo~~
> 
> ABOUT VICTOR'S CONDITION
> 
> *The story about Victor's parents was told in Between us chapter 19, so now you just got the clear view how he learned about his parents' death.  
> *Victor doesn't think that he is a child, that memory about his parents' death just made him remember that Yuuri left him by his own choice.  
> *Victor thinks that it's 2019, the end of April. In the beginning of chapter 42, there was a paragraph exactly about this time.
> 
> More about Victor on the next chapter, after it everything should get even more clear, but for now, I hope these tips will help you <3
> 
> And about this chapter: POOR YUURI FOR GOD SAKE I HATE MYSELF TT_TT
> 
> Okay, until the next time <3
> 
> With lots of love and also with broken heart,  
> Vitavili <3

Once somewhere I heard that pain is what makes us humans. If we can feel pain, that means we are alive. And I know that I shouldn’t have been thinking this way, I should be positive… I should want to live, but at this second I really wanted to be dead, like others around me. I really wanted that God would have been kind enough to me. If I have to feel this pain, I don’t know if I want to be human. God should have taken me… he should have mercy on my soul. How he chooses who he can take in and who not? Haven't I suffered enough already? Why have I to suffer more? Is this a big plan of his?

From one side I was lucky… I passed out after ten seconds when the earthquake started. It took this long for this small coffee shop fall into pieces. I guess I was the first who felt how much even this small building can do when it breaks down on you. I don’t know… was it floor which has opened with the ground under it, or was it ceiling… maybe walls. Or maybe everything together. So I was lucky, one second I was still there talking with him and the other one everything turned into black. But at the same time… I was doomed here when everybody here was saved and found peace. I didn’t have much choice, just open my eyes, but at first I didn’t want to do that because I knew that the view I am seeing now is so much beautiful than out there, outside. I saw Victor… he was smiling, standing there with his opened arms, waiting for me and I wanted to run to him so much, but I couldn’t. Damn, I couldn’t from that horrible pain inside me, especially on the right side. Victor… I want to come, I want you to hold me again. Please. Let me run… come closer, don’t just stand there, so far away. Come here… I am begging. Victor!

I suddenly opened my eyes but had to close them immediately from that bright sun. I tried to open them again, this time slowly. He is not here. It’s impossible, this view I saw just now is impossible because Victor is not here… he is… he is… waiting for me! Yes, he is waiting for me next to the ice center. I need to go there.

“AAAH!” Who is screaming? Just a second ago, I was deaf, but after this horrible sound that came out from somewhere, every other sound came back. There were many noises around me… they were all mixed and I couldn’t discern the difference between them… Screaming? Shouting? Moaning? Crying? Beeping? God... I don‘t know. I can‘t just listen to those sounds, I need to move. “AAAH!!!” And again… someone screamed so hard, that I felt the pain in my throat. It hurts… it hurts so much. I tried to turn my head and I saw blood. Tons of blood, everywhere, right next to me there was a girl… without half of her face, but one of her dark eyes was still looking right into me like made from glass. I tried to move my fingers… maybe she is just acting? Maybe it’s just a mask? But instead of the move, I started crying. And this made the pain even worse. “Aah…nnnhn…” So, after all, I was the one who made those sounds. But this girl… she doesn’t have half of her face… There is just blood… everywhere. I don’t want to see… please. I don’t want to see this.

I tried to turn my head to the other side and I saw blood again. This time it was my blood. There was a big piece of a wall right next to my right side and something made from metal and sharp was stuck inside me, I saw one part of it was still sticking out from my body. Every, even the smallest move, made me want to be dead, the pain was just burning that’s why I could understand that this thing is really deep inside me. At last, I moved my fingers, the hand was really numb but I reached the wound with it. Should I try to take that thing out? I don’t know what to do… Something was lying on my legs, but I could feel that I have them, so that was the good thing. Every breath I took caused for me the pain with no ending, from my throat until the legs. Again… and again… Maybe I should just stop breathing and then the pain will go away? Maybe I should just stop… Give up. I feel sleepy… I really do.

Before closing my eyes I saw blue again… it’s just my imagination. There is no blue here, but the view didn’t fade. It was still here, blue eyes were looking at me. Alive. It’s a small boy, he was looking at me, lying just a few steps from me, lying in someone’s arms, someone’s who has protected him with his body… his or hers, it was already impossible to say. Everything there was mixed, crashed… until now, everything was more like a nightmare not a reality, like really bad made action movie. The boy looked at me for a few seconds and I tried to concentrate, but the view was getting blurry. Oh, the pain is going away… it’s going away. I slowly blinked. At least I am dying while looking at those eyes I love the most. Seems fair. The boy made me blink again when step by step he started moving towards me in one of his hand he was still holding his puppy or I could say half of it, another half stayed there, now mixed with bodies of his parents.

“Sh-uu-sei.” I don’t have any idea how I remembered his name, but this sound just came from my lips and then again I moaned from the pain. One cheek of his was scratched, but he didn’t seem hurt. That’s good… he can run, he can get help. Boy kneeled next to me and with his little hands moved few small pieces of something from me. When he touched me, I accidently flinched again letting the sound of pain out, but this time it was already quieter. He was still looking at me and I understood that I also can’t close my eyes as long as I see him. Shuusei again reached me with his fingers but this time, he touched my face, like trying to wipe those tears that I couldn’t control. “Stay… until… I fall… asleep.” I didn’t have any idea if he understands what I am asking for, but if he just stays a little bit longer here, I can sleep. His little fingers were cold… I could feel that they are trembling or maybe it was me? Trembling from pain and from crying? I was so afraid. I am afraid. He put the half of the dog next to my face, like trying to comfort me.

“Puppy…” his lips moved just a little bit, but his cute and warm voice reached my ears. He has a really beautiful voice. Puppy… I am sorry, Makkachin… I am sorry that I didn’t listen to you. I am sorry that I didn’t stay home. I am sorry. I started sobbing so loud while looking at toy next to me. “Go.” The boy spoke again and this time he took my hand, actually, he grabbed it so suddenly that I even forgot that hand is all in blood because of the wound. Go where? Where do I have to go? I don’t have where to go… I can’t go. But… I promised, right? I promised that I will come back home. And I promised Victor that we will meet next to the ice center. I know he will go there to search for me no matter what.

“Can… you… hug me..?” My mouth was so dry, but I somehow managed to ask him this. Shuusei nodded few times and actually almost fell on my chest, wrapped his hands around my neck and I sighed. That’s hug… even if they are not arms in which I wished to leave this world, still better than nothing. I pressed my face to boy’s shoulder and closed my eyes. I will live or I will try doing this anyway. I grabbed the part of the metal thing, that was stuck in my body and took a deep breath. “Can… you help me… count… to three? Can… you?” This time it was hard to talk not just because of the pain, but because I started crying even more, with my free hand, I grabbed on Shuusei’s body, when I felt that he nodded.

“One…” I am so afraid…. I can’t do this. “Two.” No, I am not ready for this. I am not ready at all. I can’t, Victor… sorry, I can’t. “Three.” I suddenly moved my hand pulling out everything that was in my body and at the same time I got deaf and blind and lost all my senses together with that lungs tearing scream that came from inside me. The boy wanted to move from me, but I was holding him so hard like I was made from stone and I am breaking down. Oh… it’s black again… everything is spinning around.

Is it true that when you die whole life flashes before your eyes? I think I died... Because I just saw his face. Right here. Right now. He was smiling again. But it's impossible. Or maybe death it's just an illusion? Maybe everything here is not real? Even my life until now? Even his face…? It’s smaller… and… more oval… but those eyes. Really, it’s his. I can see them so close. They are full of tears and I can’t understand why. If it’s heaven, why he is crying? Unless… I am not in heaven. I am in hell. And this burning pain took my life and brought it back with a huge rush of adrenaline. Air came back to my lungs and the view got clear again. Shuusei was shaking my shoulder and his lips were trembling, but he stopped when I started breathing again, then quickly took his toy which he was pressing in one of his arms and put it back next to me.

“It’s alright… it’s alright…” that’s what I was trying to tell him, but actually I couldn’t let a normal sound, not yet. But I am alive, I am burning, I am breaking… but I am alive for now. I don’t know how much I have, but I am here for reason… it’s not over. I must go. I must go and find Victor, I must go and help this boy. This the last thing I must do, I can’t let go until I see Victor. Shuusei stopped crying he was just sobbing now. “We… need to go, okay?” I mean… this two year old kid was braver than any person I have ever met. I am not sure if he understood everything that happened, but he nodded few times after my words and slowly stood up. I should do the same… I pressed the wound on the side, not even looking how big it is and holding on with another hand tried to get up. I had to bit my lip until the blood started coming out because I can’t even explain what I was feeling… once I was half sitting, something started going out and I turned my head to spit out that, of course… blood. I don’t have much time. There is no time for pain and for crying, I couldn’t stop tears, but they weren’t important. I am not important right now. I grabbed on some wall constructions that was still left and little by little moved my one leg, then another and tried to kneel, blood was still coming from my mouth, but I can’t stop now to spit it out, if I stop now, I won’t be able to continue. Hope… Yuuri… hope.

Shuusei was really patient, he didn’t do anything to make me move faster, he was standing still until I finally got on my feet by holding on the same wall, still pressing the wound because I was wearing a black leather jacket it looked like I was just holding on my side. Oh shit… I feel so sick… my head is spinning. I don’t know if I can go, I don’t know how to step. I was just looking how Shuusei is searching the way out from these ruins and I unconsciously started following him, trying to grab on something to hold myself up. The street looked not better than the buildings around it, there was a huge hole in the middle of it and the road looked like after a war. Actually, we could say… that we were attacked…. Attacked by nature. I didn’t want to think how strong was this earthquake, but I bet it was a horrible one, I couldn’t see the end of this terrible view and pain. The pain was literally everything that has left of this part… bodies all around us, people running, people injured, people crying, people shouting for help, people searching for something… or someone. We, two guys, trying to find our way from this nightmare didn’t stand out from all others around. Nobody paid attention to us because everyone was in the same situation. But they… they didn’t have the purpose which I did. I know where to look.

 

“Wait... let’s rest… please…” Shuusei was going first, trying to find the way around all those ruins, while I was just telling where we need to turn, but I don’t know how right I was… the view of Tokyo, at least at this part has changed completely. When boy stopped, I turned around and grabbed on some kind of bench and then leaned forward. Here goes again… I started vomiting blood, already the fourth time in about 20 minutes. One of the glass of my glasses was broken, so I practically could see just with one eye. I spit out the last drop of blood for now and sighed. We should be near ice center… if it’s still there. There was a broken car mirror next to my feet and I finally saw how I look like. All this way here I tried to imagine how bad it could be, but actually, I didn’t think that it’s so bad. My face was pale white, without any single drop of blood and lips looked like zombie's, something similar to dark blue color covered by blood, I won’t even speak about those bloody eyes… not good. We need to hurry. I turned back and started slowly going again, Shuusei was next to me, he took my free hand into his. He was brave but also trembling like little leaf… I would like to say that everything will be fine, but it’s not. The portraits of his dead parents will be stuck in my head forever. How will this little baby be able to find his home? He just started talking… but life made him grow up so fast. It’s not fair. He didn’t deserve it.

After another twenty steps I finally saw the building I wanted to see, there was a huge square and in the end of it I saw ice center, at least the thing that is left from it, the square was also destroyed, but there was a corner where I saw a small crowd of people together. There is hope… there are people. I tried to look and see Victor among them, but we were still too far away and there was like 50 of them. I don’t know from where the hell I got strengths, but my legs started going faster and now Shuusei was the one, who had to hurry up. I forgot about the pain, I forgot about my condition in general, there was hope in front and I needed to reach it. I slowed my steps just when we were close enough to see almost everyone, there was a man with the bright jacket with a bunch of people around him… asking something. He had some tablet in his hands, checking something nodding or shaking his head.

“Shuusei… wait for me here, alright? I will be right back.” I told him and left next to the broken bench, holding on his half toy which he brought with himself. I started going towards the man with the jacket at the same time covering my mouth because blood started coming again, but I can’t stop now. Nobody paid attention that I was more staggering than normally walking. Everyone was busy and worried about their stuff. I stopped next to the man and moved my hand from the mouth. “I am sorr-“

“Wait a little bit.” He shut me up before I finished my sentence, he didn’t even lift his eyes. The man was pressing something in his tablet, like checking names, I saw that there was some kind of list. Everyone around me was almost asking the same, someone shouting their names, someone saying what they are looking for and he was all alone here, trying to figure everything out.

I looked around searching for anyone who could look like Victor, tall… silver hair… a warm smile or worried face also looking for me, then I saw something behind the man. There were maybe four bodies on the ground covered with some blankets, jackets, and towels. I didn’t want to look at them… because I could still see those dead or hurt people on my way here. They need help… I also need help. I need to find Victor. Now. Why is he not here? He should have come to the ice center, he knew I will come here.

“Alright, say to me again, who are you looking for? I have a small list of people we already have registered.” The man asked me, not looking directly at me, but I couldn't answer and this time not from pain and not because I again felt the taste of blood in my mouth. Is because of those bodies a few meters from me. Just now I understood why I can’t move my eyes from them. The last one on the right side, he was covered with a blanket, but one part of his hand was visible. It was strangely twisted, but I could see his elbow. It’s the blue sweater he is wearing… that color I knew very well. Of course, there might be a lot of people with the same sweater… but not. It can’t be coincident. The part on his sweater was ripped and I could see a hole, even from here… I saw it. I saw that there is white shirt under the sweater. Is it ground moving again? Or my head it’s just spinning? There is a hole… in his sweater… he accidently teared up… it somewhere… and I let him out like this... I let… him… out… the last time. Victor. His name as a scream I let out was the last sound I made. I remember that I tried to run, reach him, but… I couldn’t. He was too far away... he was like a million miles from me. Lying there, cold, not moving, covered by some dirty blanket, left alone… Dead.

 

 

 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. This sound was annoying. Something was beeping next to me non-stop. And that sound made me want to wake up, that I could shut it up and go back to sleep and at the same time, I didn’t want to know what it’s… who cares… who cares… there is no point because he is… I suddenly opened my eyes and so bright white. Why everything must be so bright? I recognized this place right away, I spent so many days in past here. Hospital. Oh no… from one nightmare to another. My head feels dizzy, all my lower part hurts, I can feel the disgusting taste in my mouth and in general I don’t want to breathe. Why am I here? Why I just didn’t die in that square, why they didn’t let me just lay next to him there… Oh. The flashback got into my head and I started crying, I burst into tears so loud and fast, that annoying sound next to me became faster as he was perfectly repeating the beats of my heart, painfully and sharply.

“He woke up! Call the doctor!!” someone shouted in Japanese, but I shook my head. No doctor, I don’t like doctors, I don’t need doctors. I want to go back, let me go back. I need to go back, I tried to move, but someone’s hands pressed me against the bed. “Shhh… calm down, you are safe… Shhh… He is in shock….”

“Let… let… me go… back… please… let…. Le-t me go back…” I didn’t know it was my voice or not, it sounded differently, but I didn’t care. I hope they will hear me, please… here me out. Please, I won’t ask anything else, just this. I want to see him, I want to be with him, I have to be with him… I can wake him up. He always like this… sleeps really deep, but just I know how to wake him up.

“Hold him…” With this words, someone pressed me stronger against the bed and then I felt how my body starts relaxing. “Well it’s alright now, let go.” My heart is calming down. I don’t want to be calm, but somehow I feel better and it doesn’t hurt anymore, I can breathe, there is no chaos in my head. “Hey… how are you feeling?” after finally hearing this voice clearly I turned my head, there was a woman standing, next to her another one. Nurse and another nurse… they look so young, younger than me.

“How long… I was sleeping?” There was no point answering her question about my condition because I can’t understand what I am feeling. Good or bad… or what? I just feel calm and this bed is so comfortable.

“Two days…” TWO DAYS? Hahaha, it’s a long sleep. Two days… two days… where is he now after two days? “Do you remember your name? Can you tell us?” She asked me again and I sighed, I shouldn't feel this relaxed right now, but I am getting sleepy again. This bed is so warm.

“Katsuki… Yuuri.” I said with a pause, I couldn’t make myself say another last name I have, my tongue can’t say that. “I need… to be somewhere… I need to go… and find him.” I tried to explain slowly, that she would understand how important it is.

“I am sorry we can’t let you go… not now. It’s still a big danger to your life. We can’t risk this much. But if you tell his name, we will try to look for it in the list, okay?” she tried to smile, but I quickly covered my mouth and started silently crying, I wanted to scream, but that thing that she gave to me didn’t let me, so there was nothing I could possibly do more. I can’t tell his name… I can’t let them tell me, that they found him…dea-. No. I don’t want to believe. “Please… calm down. We will drive you now to the doctor, alright? She will help you.” Help me? I don’t need help… I don’t need anything. What’s the point of that fucking help… he needs help, not me. Help him… help my Vic-

“No… no… please… I am begging you… let me be with him. Let me go, I want to be with him. Please… please… you can’t take him away…” now I covered my face with both palms. They can’t take away him from me, they must let me go. I don’t need medicine, I don’t care about risk. I need to go back to ice center. He is waiting for me… he must be waiting for me.  
I even didn’t feel how they put me on the other bed with all those cords and something more… I didn’t even notice at first that annoying sound stopped. And I felt that I am moving somewhere. I won’t open my eyes ever again, I won’t move my hands. I don’t want to come back to reality. Suddenly we stopped somewhere and I couldn’t hold back anymore, so I moved a little bit one of my fingers to see what’s going on. We were in the middle of the corridor, next to the door, I was lying on the bed with the wheels and there was a nurse next to me holding a drip in her hand.

“Oh, Pumpkin-san woke up. Wait few minutes here, alright. I will call you.” the young women passed through us and I followed her with my eyes, she opened the door and I heard her saying “Well, Silverhead-san… will you tell me your name now?” I didn’t hear an answer but she started laughing and then the door closed. Silverhead? Pumpkin? I moved my hands and I couldn’t help myself just think about him when I heard that nickname. Nurse next to me saw that I am confused and tried to smile.

“There are a lot of patients who have lost their memories or haven’t woken up yet, sooo we usually create nicknames that it would be easier to understand what we are talking about. But don’t worry, Katsuki-san, you won’t be Pumpkin anymore soon.” She was talking friendly, but I didn’t really care about my name they created and it wasn’t funny at all, I was still thinking about that other. I knew… in my heart knew that it’s impossible, but what if I refuse to believe that he is gone? What if my heart is telling me that it’s not true… because I haven’t seen his face. That would have broken me up completely. “But actually that one… Silverhead, I think he is not telling us his name on purpose, you know. But obviously, he has some problems with his memories… I could even tell that he is in worst condition than you… but … eh you poor things…” she sighed and shook her head, I pressed my lips. Poor things… yeah, really. I just should have stayed in those ruins. I shouldn't have stood up. Who cares now… we are poor or not. I am here and he is not. And without him next to me, everything has no point.

Pain is what makes us human… right. Then I don’t want to be a human… I don’t want to be.


	6. Chapter 46. Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! <3
> 
> *memory written in italic is from chapter 2 (Between us)
> 
> This chapter still won't heal you.... :/  
> Next chapter is about getting back the team! Yeah, our favorite people are coming to Japan <3
> 
> We need to be a little bit more patient, alright? :3
> 
> And... OMG, you all worrying about Shuusei... that was sooo cute TT_TT <3 <3 <3 I hope you are happy to read about him in this chapter :3 I know what you all want for final, and I already promised you a super happy ending, so hope for the best, alright? <3
> 
> Love,  
> Vitavili <3

Time to time I was able to hear voices, those words they said were meaningless. I couldn’t understand what they mean by saying: _To die in sex toy shop would be awkward, no?_ What? I shouldn’t be here… I should be at home, I remember that I was at home… or at least in Russia, but there were a few times when they said _Tokyo_ and that didn’t make sense at all. I mean they just let me out from the hospital… or no? At some point, it was getting hot here and my head was ripping apart, I wanted to cry, to let out that pain but it was impossible. Somebody said: _For how long there will be enough oxygen?_ There was a silence after this question, obviously not long, for me… it’s alright. The only fear I had is to die in pain and that’s exactly what was happening now. I wasn’t afraid to leave this world, I already accepted that, but I don’t want to die in this agony.  I don't want my last memory to be the feeling how my brains are boiling. I guess… it’s the line I have already crossed, I don’t know what I have done and why I am here, around these strange people who are crying for entering sex toy shop in worst time. How I ended up here? Did I drink too much and just went to this kind of place for fun? Or I am really on some kind of drugs, that’s why it feels like dying? But in Tokyo? _No… His face is burning… I think he doesn’t have much time left_ , there was someone’s cold hand on my cheek. Don’t touch me, I don’t like when others are touching me… I don’t like it at all. _Shit… By the time they reach this zone we will be all dead!_ It’s just me or the air here is really heavy, I tried to open my mouth, but it wasn’t listening. It’s strange… I mean, I already know that I am dying and I don’t care, but somehow unconsciously I still was trying to survive. It’s just strange, right? _SIGNAL! I GOT A SIGNAL!_ Someone suddenly shouted this happy scream made me sigh. Good for you… Good for you.

_I was reading some really boring book, that Yakov gave to me, saying that it might help to improve my skating. Improve where? What, does he think that I will be skating until fifty? I already did what I could and if people can’t be surprised, it’s their fault, not mine. I mean… isn’t the fact that almost all my jumps are quads is not enough for them to scream? Anyway, now I am not dancing for others how I used to do. Now I am skating just for Yuuri because he asked because he believed in me and us and if it’s the only way to make him happy again, I will do it. For both of us and I will show to the world that there are no limits, even if you can’t walk. I didn’t care about that, Yuuri was still perfect for me. Even if we are not talking now for almost two days, but I was hoping that he will come… he will finally come and we will talk about everything. That if I wait patiently one day he will come and say how he really feels. I wanted Yuuri to hug me, to feel safe and tell me what scares him the most. Is it about the leg? Then I will tell him that it doesn’t matter. I love him no matter what, if he just shows that he doesn’t want to give up I will search in the whole world for someone who could help him walk again. But since… he is not talking with me at all these days I can’t understand if he is alright with everything how it is now, or he just wants to wait a little bit. I mean, I tried to understand Yuuri so much, but there was just a huge wall he was building, like trying to protect himself from me. But he doesn’t understand that I was the only one who can do something about it. And it’s not about sex… honestly. If that’s the case, I can live without sex for some time, I don’t need it… because sometimes I get the feeling that every time we talk about something or try to do that… it ends up in bed. I would love to talk more because I didn’t want to be some kind of thing just for the physical relationship, I wanted to be more for Yuuri. I think I was more, until that accident with leg, then everything has changed. And I don’t know who I am now. I don’t remember the last time he said that he loves me…_

_I think it was more feeling than hearing that he came into the room. First of all, I felt that he is watching me and then I heard how wheels are rolling through the floor. I swear, I really wanted to lift my eyes and see him, even if it‘s just for a second, I could try saying something again? Maybe he would forgive me now. But I was just trying to take care of him with all my heart... I mean, to leave him alone every day was really hard and when Yuuri didn‘t pick up his phone, I just thought about the worst. It‘s so hard to be away from him, really... even if I know that he can be independent. How should I apologize if I am not sorry at all? How can you be sorry for loving too much? There was a time when he really used to love me for loving him so much. But now… It got even harder not to look at him when Yuuri jumped on the couch next to me. I wanted to help him so much that even my hands started hurting, should I say that I stopped reading a long time ago? I held my breath when he suddenly did, what I wasn’t expecting. Yuuri laid his head on my shoulder and I couldn’t resist. I looked at him feeling how this view squeezes my heart. Please, baby… tell me… how can I help you? I would do anything._

_“I love you. Please love me back.” The words were like an explosion for me. I was waiting for them so long and finally, finally, he told me that! He still loves me. Oh my… he still does. My hands just acted on their own. I grabbed Yuuri’s face as hard as I could and started kissing him, putting all my feelings to it. “Love me, give yourself to me. I love you. I am sorry. I love you so much. Just you. With all I have. Forever.” Those words he was saying between pauses of kisses, made me so happy. Say it again, Yuuri… repeat it. I believe in you. I believe that our love is stronger than anything in this world. You love me and it’s all I need. Forever._

**YOU. FUCKING. LIAR.**

It’s strange to die after remembering the last moment with that motherfucker. I mean it. Those brains are working so strange or not working at all. I wanted to die thinking about… I don’t know. Nothing. Just die. But this memory made my death so much worse, why I even have to die while hating? Why my last memory has to be about him? Or wait… if I am thinking… then I must be alive. So it wasn’t the last view before the end? No? I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, my head inside was like a volcano that’s why the view was blurry until I got used to this pain a little bit. Horrible… I was in the hospital. So that’s how it is. Everything was just a dream, right? I am still in hospital after that overdose and while sleeping I had such a strange dream… I mean even a few of them. Dreams and memories that just made me remember how my world turned from love to hate. Good job world, good job. No, wait… Now I clearly remember that yesterday I was at home… watching that TV show… where they talked how Victor Nikiforov is going insane and that it’s such a pity to lose a person like him bla bla bla. This past week all they do just talk about this thing… that makes me sick. For how long? Don’t tell me I tried to do something again to myself and ended up in the hospital? Yakov will kill me… and Yurio.

“Hello, I am doctor Ishikawa, can you hear me?” This voice made me stop trying to remember what I have done yesterday to myself. I moved my eyes from the ceiling I turned them to the side. There was a woman standing. Since when there are Japanese people working in Russian hospitals? It’s the first time I am seeing this. “I am glad that you are awake, they brought you to the hospital just in time… even few more minutes and we wouldn’t be able to help you.” and she is talking in English. If you work in Russia then learn the language, really. I blinked a few times... so again someone found me in time. I saw that her face is getting worried because I am not answering. Yeah, I would like to see if she had this pain in her head what she would do. Sing? It’s hard to speak… hard to find words.

“Don’t… let them in.” That’s the most important thing I wanted to tell her. Yakov and Yurio must be somewhere in the corridor waiting for the time when they can shout at me again. But this pain I am feeling now it’s enough.

“Don’t let who?” she raised her brow. So they are not here? That’s good. Maybe they don't know, then I can’t let them find out. I can’t tell her anything. “You are in the hospital, in Tokyo. When earthquake started you hit your head, we managed to stop the bleeding. We were waiting for you to wake up, that we would be able to do more tests. But it should be alright, how bad does it hurt?” She was talking but I stopped listening from the moment I heard earthquake. What? What the hell? Tokyo? What the hell I am doing in Japan??  I shouldn't get nervous because then my heart will start beating and they don’t know anything about my condition... and I don’t want to explain, but I couldn’t do anything… it was already beating like crazy. So maybe the dream about me stuck in sex toy shop wasn’t a dream, after all? “You don’t remember…” now she started getting really worried, how can she just tell while looking into my face. “What's the last thing you remember?” The last thing… should I lie now or later? 

  
“I was sitting at home, watching television.” Alright, for now, I can say the truth. Calm down, Victor. I am sure everything here has an explanation.

“Alright… that’s good. Do you remember the date? Year? When was it? Yesterday or today?” she leaned a little bit forward, like trying to read my mind, but I knew that she can’t. Nobody can read what I want to say unless I want that myself. And even if my heart is beating now like a drum I know what to do. The confidence. It always was my strongest part, at least acting like a strong one, I can’t let her see how bad I am broken inside.

“End of April… I am not sure about the day…” I took a deep breath, I remember that someone told me that it’s 24th, but… they were totally lying about the year, right? “It’s two thousand and nineteen.” She smiled while listening first part of my sentence, but then suddenly the women froze and stepped back from me. The year. She didn’t like what I have said.  
  
“Okay… it’s not that bad as it could have been. I will call someone, just a second.” She nodded to me and I understood that I really failed somewhere. So it’s not 2019? What’s going on? “Can you tell me your name?” she asked before leaving the room. Oh no, this is the only thing that I really don’t want you to know. I closed my eyes and I got what I wanted, she left.

 

 

 

How usually normal people act when they lose memory? Of course, they want to get it back, right? I mean, it’s normal. But when, after few hours of stupid questions they finally told me, that it’s 2023 not 2019 I wanted to laugh. Not because I felt pathetic or I didn’t believe them (I mean it’s obvious that something was not right). So, I was brought in hospital after the earthquake and there is no one in the world who knows where I am and what happened to me? Oh, my… isn’t that perfect? I mean, finally, I can just start the new period and live these five years that are left for me without Yurio and Yakov telling me what to do all the time. Not even talking about my aunt and those cousins who are calling non-stop. But… if it’s already 2023… then it means I have just… about one year left? Shit. Shit... SHIT. Or... maybe even better, the only thing that I need is to get out from Japan as soon as possible. I don’t want to die in this country.

“Maybe you have remembered your name?” one of the doctors spoke after they went out from the shock. It’s not common to meet a person with amnesia who doesn’t want to remember, that’s the reason why they said that I can’t leave the hospital until they will do all tests. They thought that I am mentally unstable and let’s say the truth they had a point here. I promised that I will let them do all kind of tests they want and after that, they will just let me go.

  
“I don’t remember it.” I was sitting in my bed and there were three doctors around me. It was already dark outside. It seems that I was out just for a few hours so it’s alright. The pain was still strong and the doctor said that it won’t go away that easily, that’s another reason why they need to keep me here.

“Well, then you will be Silverhead-san.” Doctor Ishikawa said and everybody else rolled their eyes. She was the one here creating strange nicknames. Oh well, I have been called worse. It’s just until I leave this hospital and I need to do it as soon as I can. I wasn’t sure if I still skate after all these years, guess not, but there might be someone who knows me. I can’t risk. After this, I was saved when we heard the emergency call in corridor asking all doctors to come.

  
In this hospital, there were just people who have suffered from the earthquake, some hurt really badly, some with amnesia or lying in a coma and so on. All these cases were so different that doctors had to pay attention to everyone separately. Because of this reason they didn’t have a lot of time to deal with me so most of the time I spend alone in the ward. I still had a little bit of fever and that headache I had was unstoppable… all day… and all night, if I was lucky I could fall asleep for few hours but not more. The pain was one of the most important reasons why I wanted to be alone, I had to lie for doctors that it doesn’t hurt, but this time they didn’t believe me. That’s why I was kept here. They wanted to help me, but I they don’t understand… that I don’t need help.

On the second day after the lunch, one of the nurses came and said that I have to go see the doctor. Not just doctor, it was a psychologist, she said that everyone after this terrible disaster must visit him, but I knew why they want me to see this doctor... as if I could say no. I was wearing some hospital clothes and she gave me a warm bathrobe, I got up from the bed slowly because I felt really dizzy and I hated the fact that she had to help me. Actually, I noticed that every time there was a different nurse who visits me, it’s like they were changing on purpose, to see me. I couldn’t understand why with bandaged head and tired eyes I don’t think that I could look attractive.

  
“Maybe you want me to give a phone to call someone?” she asked when we entered a long corridor. Because of me, we were going slowly and that’s why this journey will be long and painful. I don’t want to talk at all.

“No. I don’t have anyone.” I tried to say it clear enough, hoping that she will get lost. I could have called Yurio or Yakov, but I won’t do that. I want them to think that I am gone. But maybe they even didn’t know that I am in Japan. Who knows?

  
“No? No family? No friends? I am sure that you have someone who is worried about you.” Here she goes again, I slowly shook my head and started regretting it right away. I had to stop walking for a second, I shouldn't do any moves with my head or my lunch will go out.

  
“How about your wife?” she suddenly asked and this time I stopped not because of dizziness. Wife? The nurse was looking at the rings on my finger. I saw them too, I saw them right away after I just woke up and I didn’t have any idea why I am wearing them. It's just some feeling inside me didn’t let me take them off. But about one thing I was sure – I don’t have a wife. I can’t have it. Not just because I am incapable of loving someone, but… why should I marry someone if I have just a few years to live? I am not that selfish.

“I don’t have a wife.” I started walking again, this time looking just in front of me. If she says something more about this, I won’t answer. It just can’t be true, I know myself too well… I don’t have a purpose to live, I don’t love life. I hate it, so why should I marry someone and turn someone else’s life into hell?

“How can you be so sure if you don’t remember past four years?” she asked again making me slowly close and open my eyes, this way I protected myself from rolling them. I will just be silent until we will reach the doctor, I hope this nurse won’t come again, she talks too much. “I mean... maybe she is waiting… maybe you even have a child?” even if I haven’t answered, she didn’t stop talking. That’s enough.

“I am not into girls, alright?” I reached what I wanted the nurse just froze and opened her mouth. She didn’t expect that and I didn’t want to explain. Actually, I was just into one man. But it was long ago, four years ago… even if it still feels to me, that everything happened just a few months ago. I don’t really care what he is doing now, really. Every thought that we might be now in the same country made me want to run away from here even more. That piece of sh-

“The doctor is calling me…” she looked at some small thing in her hand. “I can’t let you go alone… oh, stay here until I am back.” She opened some door and I didn’t get the chance to read what is written on them. But suddenly I found myself standing in the middle of playroom full of children. What the hell? “He will stay here, don’t let him go anywhere until I'll be back.” The nurse shouted this to two girls in the middle of the room, they looked like babysitters or something like that. Wait, I am not a baby! But she closed the door and I was standing here with a frozen face. Oh no, kids are not something that I like...

“Sit somewhere.” One of the girls said and smiled at me, I slowly walked right to the corner and sat on the couch. All children were small from one to five years. And even for me, it hurt to think that almost all of them have lost their parents. Half of them were crying, other half playing with themselves or just sitting in beds or on the floor. Those girls tried to do their best, but I could understand that it’s really hard. One baby was sitting next to the couch, he wasn’t crying just holding a toy in his hands. I looked at the toy and almost opened my mouth. Jeez, it was just half of it. Where is the other half?

“I think your toy needs surgery,” I said. I don’t think that this Japanese child understands English, but if I just sit here looking at those lonely children around me it will just get worse. Those cries also don't help for my headache. I thought that the child won’t do anything but he slowly moved his head and looked at me. No… he is not Japanese. This boy had such clear blue eyes, they were big and so innocent, like a sky… like mine. I think he also got surprised after seeing me because he turned a little bit to my side. His hair was dark, almost black... but even I couldn’t stop looking at him. Somehow it felt good, not annoying at all. “What’s your name?” I asked I don’t even know if he can talk, maybe he understands just Japanese? To my surprise boy slowly moved his hand and gave me that creepy toy. That’s a cute gesture. After giving it to me, he somehow got so embarrassed, that his cheeks got all red, but he still didn’t stop looking right into my eyes. “If I tell you my name, will you tell me yours?” I tried again and finally, he nodded. I looked at the toy in my hand… it was dirty and the view was really sad. He also lost his parents? “I am Victor.” I wasn’t scared to say my name for him because I don’t think that this boy could ever tell it to someone.

“Shuusei…” he said and I don’t know why but his cute and silent voice made me smile. I gave him back the toy and touched his dark hair with my fingers. I hope that his parents are just hurt and will take care of him. This boy is really adorable and deserves to have a family. I mean… all children here deserves to have a family, but this one was… I don’t know how to explain. I couldn’t even move when he suddenly stood up and tried to climb on the couch, he did it by himself I just watched. “No sad…” he looked at me again and I felt his little fingers on my hand, but he moved them quite fast and then pressed his toy against the chest. No sad? What does it mean?

“I am not sad…” I said, but actually, I was lying and this boy just by looking at me could tell this. One of his cheeks was screeched, but he didn’t look hurt. Is there any point to lie him? “Or maybe I am… you know where it hurts the most?” I asked and he shook his head, looking interested it’s like he enjoyed talking with me and before I thought that he likes to be alone “Here…” I slowly touched his chest where his little heart was beating. “It hurts so much…” I hope that he will never feel it. Shuusei looked at my hand as he was thinking about something, then he smiled like after long and hard research he found a perfect solution for this.

  
“Love.” After his voice, I opened my mouth from surprise. How old is this kid? He doesn’t think like all children at his age. But he also doesn’t have any idea that this ugly word from L was the one, who have hurt me the most.

“Silverhead-san!” I heard a voice, but just after few seconds, I understood that it was for me. Just when the nurse came and touched my shoulder. “We can go now… Oh, you are trying to speak with this boy? He doesn’t talk yet. And that man who was brought with him still didn’t wake up. We don’t know if it’s his father or brother…” this nurse doesn’t know that this boy can talk, so he is the same as I. Shusei talks just to those he chooses. It's good to hear that one of his relatives is still alive, I hope he wakes up soon.

“I see… Alright, let’s go." I stood up and waved for the boy. "Bye bye.” Before I turned around he suddenly grabbed on my bathrobe. He didn’t say anything because the nurse was still standing next to me. He was just looking at me with those big eyes and I saw how he starts breathing faster. “I will come again later, okay?” After my words he let me go and again blushed, but I saw that he is smiling. 

After that visit, which was terrible because the doctor was asking me questions which I didn’t want to answer, for example, where I am from? What I am doing for living? I had to lie and he saw right through me but didn’t make to say the truth. But for that, he kept me for an hour until my head started hurting so much, that I could almost feel tears in my eyes. I just remember how I reached my bed and then just passed out at least for a few hours. Later I asked if I can visit that boy again and I couldn’t even explain how happy he got after seeing me. I don’t know what I felt, not love, not even attachment... but somehow just with this boy the pain in my head was tolerable. He didn’t ask questions, he could just sit next to me and babysitters were happy that someone is helping them. So everybody wins. Next day I also came, three times. In the evening I found him sleeping on the floor, of course hugging that creepy dog. I couldn't lean forward because then my head would spin and I won’t be able to move, but I also couldn't leave him sleeping like this. I kneeled and slowly took Shuusei into my arms, pressed against my chest and stood up, then sat on the couch. Shuusei grabbed my shirt and sighed.

“Daddy…” he silently said, just with this one word, making something stuck in my throat. Oh… what I am doing… this is wrong. This is so wrong… I tried to move his hand gently and after putting him on the couch I left the room.

Next morning I had MRI so before it, I found myself again next to the children room, with an apple in my hand. Shuusei smiled when I came in, so he doesn’t remember what he has said. He must be waiting for his father to wake up, finally. I guess it’s the last time when I am coming here, I can’t let myself to get used to this feeling.

“Fliend” he said, when I sat next to him, this time on the floor and gave him a slice of apple, I asked a nurse to cut it into small pieces. Fliend? Did he mean Friend? I am his Friend? 

  
“Friend.” I tried to smile, but a smile wasn’t my strongest side. Shuusei was eating apple holding the piece with both hands and smiling. His cheeks were chubby and fingers so small. Why do I care so much when his father will wake up? “I have to go, see you later.” I gave him another slice and stood up, leaving the rest of the apple on the little table next to him, the boy waved for me. I should stop coming here, really.

When I came to doctor’s office she still wasn’t here, so I just sat on the chair and sighed, thinking that I must hurry up to leave this place. But as long as they see that I am acting strange, I won’t be able to do that. Running from the hospital also is not a solution, I didn’t have normal clothes and these days my life without pills from pain was impossible. The only thing that could surprise me is that I wasn’t drinking anything for my heart and I still felt good. That just strange.

  
“Well, Silverhead-san... will you tell me your name now?” doctor Ishikawa entered the room with a wide smile on her face. I don’t know why she was also too happy after seeing me. I am sure that nurse already told her that I don’t like women in that way she wanted me to like.

“Why I need a name if you already created me one?” I smiled her back and she laughed then closed the door. There was another door in this room, where MRI scanner was. She wrote something in papers and then opened the door for me. In the next room, there was doctor Nishimura, this man was a serious one, always looking at me as he doesn’t believe that I don’t remember. I didn’t give him a chance to see that he is right. After saying to him something in Japanese, Ishikawa waved for me and went back to the main room. 

“Wait a little bit, until I fill the papers.” The doctor said and I slowly nodded, I finally found the away how to move my head not making the pain worse. In this room was a huge window, from it I could see the main room, but I knew that from there this window looks like a mirror. When I looked at it, Ishikawa was already with another patient. He was lying in a bed with wheels and his head was turned to the other side, so I couldn’t see his face… form back he looked almost like every Japanese… black hair, the only thing that got my attention was that he had a lot of them, they look nice... Ishikawa is a doctor who always smiles, but now she was shouting at the nurse, but because of isolation, I couldn’t hear what. She looked under the blanket and at the same second her face got pale, she rushed to the phone and started calling someone, talking fast time to time looking at lying man. He was lying still but after a few seconds his body started trembling, more and more and then I saw blood on the floor. He started choking. The amount of blood next to nurse legs was increasing and all she could do was try to hold the man still.

“Oh… poor guy. He is already dead we can say. Do you know him?” Just now I saw that doctor is standing next to me. I was standing leaned forward, holding one of my palms on the glass. When I did that? “Come here, don’t look. It’s enough pain for you.” He touched my shoulder and somehow I was able to turn away. I knew that people are dying everyday especially here. But this view was just too painful. Why he has to suffer?

“I don’t.” I sighed and stepped towards the scanner.

 

“Doctor Ishikawa!” I saw her on my way back from another doctor, she was walking towards her office and turned around after hearing my voice. She looked more tired than I remember this morning. I am not the only one who can’t sleep here, right?

  
“Hey! I was just on my way to see your MRI results.” She smiled and then looked behind me. “Why are you alone? You shouldn’t be walking alone. Are you going to visit that boy again?” Oh, I totally forgot that I am alone, but those nurses are driving me insane, so I always try to leave ward before they come. I didn’t have to answer to the doctor, she already knew the answer. She just rolled her eyes and touched my shoulder. Well… I could tell that she was beautiful and kind. But I wasn’t like that at all so that hand on my shoulder didn’t feel right.

“I just… wanted to ask, how that man who was in your office today is doing. He died?” I asked stepping back and she sighed then shook her head. So it’s yes or no?

“I just came back from his ward. He is alive, for now. I don’t know for how long… he has really serious internal bleeding… I am sorry that you had to see that…” I shrugged, saying that it’s alright. But doctor Nishimura was right, his days are counted. “It’s really strange coincidence, but that boy you like… that man is his father or brother. I don’t know. We didn’t have a chance to ask.” I don’t know why but this fact didn’t surprise me. I mean… it’s karma, right? But the fact that he is dying wasn’t fair. Shuusei... he didn’t deserve that. “Go back to your ward, Silverboy.” So Silverhead turned to Silverboy? I nodded and turned to the side, but actually, when she entered the elevator, I walked back. Ishikawa said that she came from that side… I wasn’t sure what I am looking for, but I just started going through the corridors looking at the door, searching for a name. Maybe he will have a name _Little boy’s father_ or something like that? That would be easy. Nicknames were written in Latin alphabet, but Japanese names were written in kanji or Hiragana, foreigner names in katakana. There was a time when I started learning these, that would help now. Suddenly I stopped in from of ward number 287. The card on it was written in kanji and hiragana. I really saw it somewhere… I knew it… maybe even too well. I couldn't read kanji and I didn't know the meaning, but hiragana was too obvious.

_勝生 勇利 (かつき ゆうり)_

“Katsuki Yuuri.” My lips read it out loud before I even understood what I am doing. At that moment few things happened: something squeezed my heart, my head started burning and I felt that my body gets numb. The feeling I got after reading this wasn’t happy, wasn’t sad, wasn’t even painful. It was like a burning flame, feeling of hating, feeling of loneliness and something more that I couldn’t describe. Something disgusting, something that I thought that I will never feel again. Burning tear ran down my face, it was burning off my skin like poison. I bet it’s not him, it must be a person just with the same name, but it’s enough… it’s just too much. This fucking memory of his is after me everywhere I go. I turned around and started going back as fast as I could. This is bad. This so bad. And why my hand with rings suddenly feels so heavy?

 


	7. Chapter 47. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heellloo~~~
> 
>  _he_ or _him_ written in italic in this chapter replaces Victor's name because it's too hard for Yuuri to think about him  
>  We almost have all team back, right? ^_^  
> Sorry, but next chapter will be out just on Monday <3 <3  
> Nah.... I am just crying myself after this TT_TT
> 
> See ya~~ lots of love <3  
> No, really... I DO love you, even if it hurts for you to read this fic TT_TT  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> p.s. I am going to answer comments now of chapter 6, still few left. Sowwy TT_TT

The doctor opened the door again just after a few minutes. She had a long dark hair and warm smile. I bet everyone loves her so much here, even if she creates strange nicknames for everyone. But I couldn’t look at her with the same smile because something in my chest was hurting so much and all I really could think of now, is how much I want to leave this place and go search for _him_. Even if I have to go around all hospitals in Tokyo or search in all destroyed places I don’t care, I will search for _him_ … for _him_. Why I can’t pronounce _his_ name in my mind?  Last time _his_ name slipped out from my lips was when saw _him_ there… lying on the cold ground. And if I tell _his_ name again, this memory will come true. But I refuse to believe… I refuse.

“Katsuki Yuuri, right?” She was still smiling, but I couldn’t make myself say something to her. I don’t want to talk about myself, but how should I ask about  _him_? “Is your name written like this?” she showed me a paper with kanji and I sighed, even this move was painful but I guess it was enough for her. There was another door in this room and a big mirror on the wall, so I turned my head to the other side, I don’t want to see myself. And that man, Silverhead, who was here before me... he must be in that other room. I thought I get the chance to see him. Is not that I had some hopes, but there was feeling inside me, painfully scratching, everything that could remind me of _him_ now would feel the same.

“What… I told you not to let him move!!! Do you have any brains there?? Do you understand what you have done?!!!” Suddenly even I flinched when the doctor started screaming at the poor nurse, after this, she got pale white. Doctor was looking under my blanket, after few seconds again, non-stop shouting almost the same things, then she rushed to the phone and quickly took it into her hand. “We need operating room now. Right now. And also doctor Yoshida. Now! Move move move!!” What she means by… I even couldn’t finish my thought when I again felt the blood in my mouth, I tried to open it and spit out but there was just too much of it so I started choking and tried to breathe at the same moment. The nurse grabbed me and turned to the side and then it got a little bit easier to breathe, but blood didn’t stop coming. Not just blood, but also hot tears because the pain in my stomach got so bad that all mind from my head were just washed off. I grabbed on nurse's clothes and let the sound out… it hurts… it hurts…

This time again death tricked me, I thought that I died because I had a wonderful dream about me and _him_ …  our wedding, _he_ was so close, holding my hands, saying that _he_ will be with me forever, smiling and putting the ring on my finger. _He_ kissed me and I was safe in _his_ arms, it was wonderful and perfect and I was happy. I thought that I can stay happy like this with _him_ and not move anywhere. It didn’t hurt anywhere and my heart was so light. I would do anything for _his_ smile, for _his_ kisses and for _his_ sweet voice. " _Don’t give up"_. _He_ silently whispered to my ear and chills ran down my spine. From pleasure, from that wonderful feeling that I am alright as long as I have this. I have this voice and this touch, I have _his_ love.

And then I woke up in the horrible reality. I had to open my eyes and I saw again the same ceilings, _his_ voice was gone and smiling face faded away. Where… where are you now? Are you cold? Are you lonely? Why are you not with me? What if you are hungry? What if there is nobody who can hug you? I know that you love hugging… Why are you so far away? I tried to close my eyes ad got back to sleep, but I couldn’t. I don’t want to be awake, sleeping is so much better because then I can have dreams about _him_ and I don’t feel that horrible pain. Where it’s coming from? It’s in every part of my body, burning bones and everything else. I don’t care… I just don’t care… let me sleep…

“Katsuki-san…” I heard a voice next to me and there was again that doctor smiling to me. What does she want from me again? Maybe she can help me? Maybe she is here that everything would be finally over? “You are really strong… and I know that you must be tired… but maybe there is someone you would like to call? To invite here…” she didn’t say directly but I could understand what she had in mind, there is something really wrong and she doesn’t think that I will survive, right? In a different case, I don’t think that her first words to me would be like these. I didn’t answer to her, just moved my eyes back to the ceiling, but she still gave me the phone. I was able to feel how she presses it between my fingers and then she left without saying anything else.

I don’t know for how long I was lying like this, maybe an hour maybe more. Nobody came to me, there was just that annoying beeping next to me. It was quiet behind the door, just once I heard steps and they stopped right next to my door. I don’t know why that made me move my head, actually, I didn’t want anyone to come, but someone there was just standing and my heart started beating faster, is if there could be someone who could give me life or kill me right away. But I guess he or she changed the mind and walked back, this time even faster. I sighed. I guess I will just lay here then and wait for nothing. Because there is nothing left. Every breath I take was painful and I couldn’t forget what doctor said… my life is coming to an end and  I should just call someone and say this, but my head was empty. Why should I do that? Unless… oh, my… I can’t walk, but they can. Maybe they can help me find him! I have to see him before the end, I can’t die until I see him. The hardest part was deciding to who I can call. There were few numbers that I learned just in case and now they would serve well… but… I slowly lifted my hand with a phone and started pressing buttons, I had to repeat it twice because my fingers were trembling, but finally, I have done it I pressed the phone next to my ear and waited. He might even not to pick up because it’s unknown number… and it must be still early in Russia. I waited…. I waited until the call stopped itself. I guess… it’s just then… Suddenly phone started ringing again and I flinched at the same time moaning from pain… oh, he is calling back. I tried to press the answer button as fast as I could, but it still took long enough.

  
“Yurio,” I answered saying his name right away and the first time in my life it felt so good, that I almost started crying right away. “Yurio, it’s me, Yuuri… I am calling from another phone… sorry…” Maybe my voice wasn’t strong, but I hoped that he can hear me. I hope that just for this time he won’t be mad that I have called him.

 “Yuuri… OTABEK GET OFF ME! Oh shit, I never thought that I will be so happy hearing your voice! But I knew that a pig like you just won’t die so easily, really. But you know, you could have called earlier… it’s been almost three days! We were trying to call both of you non-stop. Otabek, call Alexey and Phichit and say that both piggies are fine.” Yurio was talking without pauses and I didn’t have enough strengths to shout at him to interfere. Actually, it felt so good to hear his voice, to hear that there is someone still out there. Tears were running through my face but this time not from pain. “Where are you? When are you coming back?” he sounded like Mom who wants to know everything and I couldn’t talk because of tears. Now he was waiting for my answer but I couldn’t find words. “Hey, Katsudon, speak…. For God Sake. Don’t piss me off at the same second. Yuuri? Maybe the connection is lost… the hell… Otabek, what Alexey said? Wow… that idiot, I guess Phichit will cry the whole river… I can’t hear him anymore.” I listened how Yurio is talking to Otabek, but I couldn’t hear all conversation. Wait… he might end the call. Don’t end it. Don’t…

“I-am... In hospital… doc-“

“Oh, you are still here. What?” he wasn’t able to finish my sentence and even the thought that I will have to start it all over again made the pain worse. 

“I am… in hospital… the doctor said that… I need to call someone… to say… invite…I don’t have much time left… but…” oh, it was so hard to talk, but Yurio was listening patiently, I thought that he even stopped breathing. All my sentence was a mess, and I don’t know if he was able to understand, even I couldn’t understand everything.

“Where is Victor?” I guess I should have predicted this question, but after hearing this name I couldn’t control myself anymore. I started crying out loud, not even trying to hold it or to cover my mouth. I didn’t care that someone might hear me, I don’t care if Yurio thinks that I am sensitive. “Where is Victor?” he repeated adding, even more, salt to my wound. Stop… stop saying his name. I didn’t want to shout, but it just came, like a huge wave.

“I… can’t find him!! I can’t find him!! I can’t… please… please find him… find him and bring him to me… I am begging you… please…” I didn’t want to think that Yurio is in Moscow and he can’t search for _him_ right now, or no… maybe he is in Paris? But my begging was from all my heart, I don’t have anyone else to beg, but without _him_ … I don’t want to die until I see _him_.

  
“Alright… I understand. We are coming. All flights to Tokyo are canceled for now so it might take some time, but you hear… don’t you dare to die before I come! Or I will bring you somehow back to life and kill you myself, understood?” He reacted really normally, I suppose Yurio is always like that, just acts not like everyone is expecting. I was still sobbing, but his strong voice somehow made me think about this from another way. I nodded, I knew that he can’t see me, but I was doing this more for myself.

“Please…” these were my last words and then I ended the call, Yurio didn’t call me back but now I had another goal… waiting.

 

 

So I waited, I did that in the best way I could. Some of the hours were really hard, when the pain was just too strong, that I was passing out but there were some happy hours when I was able to live with it. I couldn’t decide when I feel better. Because when it hurts at least I don’t think about sad thing… Yurio said that it might take some time, but I tried to imagine the worst. How long? One week? Will I able to live all week with this pain? The doctor who came later, some old man, wasn’t really optimistic, I explained that some of my friends are coming, but after he heard that they are from so far away, he asked if there anyone I can call in Japan. My mother… father and sister… sadly I haven’t learned their phone numbers. Maybe Yurio somehow will tell them… I just didn’t know what to think. Most of the time I wasn’t sleeping, just lying with my eyes shut because then doctors and nurses didn’t speak to me. I am not good at lying, but I guess my face and condition was enough for them to think that I am really sleeping. Most important was not to move. As long as I am not moving everything should be fine. In the same evening, I heard how somebody knocks on my door. I was looking at the window, there was a Sakura growing next to the building and since I was lying just on the second floor I was able to see it very clearly. Really beautiful view… and painful because we had to watch Sakura together and… now I am alone. Sun is also going down and soon this wonderful tree will drown into darkness, as same as me.

“Katsuki-san, there is someone who wants to see you.” Because of my last thoughts, I didn’t close my eyes in time to pretend that I am sleeping, so I didn’t have another choice just to turn my head and see what’s going on. It’s impossible that Yurio could have come so fast from another part of the world so I didn’t really care who it was unless I thought this way until I saw bright blue eyes and a wide smile.

“Shuusei…” Oh my God… I am such a terrible person. Until now, I was just so full of my pain and thoughts, that I didn’t think about him, even once. After what I have seen next to the ice center every other thought just somehow slipped out from my mind. The boy started going towards me and then tried to climb on the bed, but it was too high for him so the nurse had to help him. Shuusei sat next to me and gave me his hurt little toy… just a few days before it was really beautiful but now I even wouldn’t tell that it’s the same toy. The hardest part for me was to look at his eyes, so I was trying to concentrate my look somewhere else, for example, on his small hands which were still holding on the toy.

“So that’s his name. It’s so good to find his relatives at last.” The nurse smiled and I pointed my eyes at her. What does she mean? Oh… she thinks that I am relative to him… how come? “You are his brother or father?” she asked and I again got lost, but for one second I even wanted to lie and tell that he is my son. But… jeez, I am dying so… I can’t hurt this boy even more.

“Non… He saved my life and we went together to search for help.” I told the short version of everything that happened. And I didn’t lie. If not this boy I would have given up. But he made me want to fight… because of him, I stood up. And now… everything will be in vain? Nurse sighed and nodded, she was disappointed, I guess there are a lot of children who have lost their parents… “But… maybe he can stay with me? It’s alright… please.” My words made her happier than it should have made, she smiled almost as she wanted to hug me.

“Really?? That’s so good… because Shuusei was really getting along with one man, but he didn’t come today and that’s why the boy was getting sad… it’s good to see that he smiles again. Then press the call button if you need anything or when you get tired, alright?” she waved for us and left. Shuusei was looking at her and then slowly moved, he laid next to me, putting his head next to my shoulder. Good that he was small and it was enough space for both of us. He was wearing old pants and red sweater, of course, the hospital gave it to him. The sweater was too big. 

“You found a friend? That’s so good… what’s his name?” I tried to talk to him, but Shuusei didn’t answer, he turned on his side and pressed his face to my shoulder. First of all, I thought that he wants to sleep, but then I felt that my shoulder is getting wet. He was crying. Silently, but still crying… not like a child at all. God… I perfectly know how he feels.

 

We both fell asleep later and I didn’t feel when a nurse came to take him away, just at night when I woke up from pain, I saw that he is not here anymore. After that I wasn’t able to fall asleep again, so when the sun finally showed and morning came the only thoughts that still kept me breathing was that Yurio is on his way here and that I can ask to bring Shuusei again today. My head was heavy and I felt weak, but I just can’t pass out right now. I can’t. Not after this long night of waiting… I heard how the door opens, it must be nurse with breakfast and medicine from pain… they are not helping at all.

“Yuuri!! Jeez, Yuuri…!!” These cries I knew. I knew too well. This voice. I turned my head and saw Phichit jumping on me if not Seung-Gil who stopped him, I would have been smashed. I even didn’t let the sound out, just opened mouth from surprise. Phichit came here. “You really look terrible… and I thought already that I saw you in the worst condition… we talked with the doctor, but don’t believe her, you will be just fine. We brought you some fruits and juice…” Phichit walked towards the little table next to my bed and started taking out from his bag everything he brought. “Also… I brought you some clothes and toothbrush and soap…” he was talking and talking but it’s the first time when I saw that Phichit is not looking right into me, is like he was also trying to avoid reality. 

“Yurio is coming today in the evening… and then we will start searching for Victor.” Now Seung-Gil spoke, he sat on the chair next to the bed and tried to smile for me. Until now we never had a chance to talk a lot and to be honest we never had anything in common, but after his words, I felt that we are so much closer now than we used to be.

“Alexey also wanted to come, but he can’t leave Makkachin… he is alright, by the way, he asked us to tell you this. Yurio also told Ana about you… she is also going back to Russia, maybe later they will both come and even take Makka with them. We will see. And Yurio also called to Simon, he was really happy to hear that we finally found you… I am so glad that you are okay, Yuuri… really. We were all so scared.” He still didn’t look at me, pretended that he is doing something with clothes, like checking if they are clean, but even without glasses, I saw tears on his face. “We will find… him, Yuuri. We will.” I also wanted to be optimistic, but every day it was getting harder and harder to keep the hope inside me. What am I living for again? I can’t tell them… that actually I saw _him_ … I saw _him_ dead… how can I tell them this? If I admit that I saw _him_ , then there is no point for me to fight for my life. “Don’t cry… alright?” Phichit finally turned to me and slowly touched my cheek, just then I understood that it’s wet. It’s so good to have them now… it feels a little bit better that I won’t have to end this alone.

“Thank… you…” Those were first words for them and after this I covered my mouth with palm, trying to calm myself down or at least not to break completely. 

  
“You don’t have to thank us. I mean, that’s why you need friends.” Seung-Gil smiled at me and actually that surprised me more than crying Phichit. That’s what Phichit had in mind, when he said, that Seung-Gil has a kind heart.

  
“Finding you was so easy… I never thought that it will be so easy. I mean we just called the emergency number and said your name, they gave us the address right away. When I tried to do that few days ago they said that there is no such a name on the list… that’s why we were going insane.” Phichit moved and came to the same side as Seung-Gil, he looked at the bed and then at his boyfriend and chose the most comfortable position – Seung-Gil lap. “But really… it looks like you haven’t been sleeping. Does it hurt anywhere?” I sighed because it always hurt, but I don’t want to sleep, no… they just came to me.

“No… it’s alright.” I looked at my friends, one of my parts still couldn’t believe that they are here, with me. They didn’t change at all… except for one thing. First, I thought that I am just seeing things, but then I really saw a ring on Phichit’s finger. What? When I saw it clearly, I couldn’t stop looking. It’s an engagement ring???

“Oh…” Phichit saw where I am looking and then laughed, don’t say that I missed something really important. “I wanted to tell you when we meet in Japan… but… oh well, yes. Seung asked me to marry him!!!” he happily showed me the silver ring on his finger and he even didn’t blush, but Seung-Gil was turning red.

“Ehm… it was more like he made me ask him this. You even don’t want to know how.” I was sure that I didn’t want to know, but I could imagine. Phichit rolled his eyes as if saying that it’s not true and then wrapped his arms around Seung-Gil neck and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

“Congratulations… I wish I could participate in your wedding…” This time I really honestly tried to smile and I think that I succeed even if my cheeks started to hurt. 

  
“And you will! I was in your wedding, so now you must come to mine.” I saw how Seung-Gil hugs Phichit harder, how Phichit pressed his arms and how he smiles but avoids looking right into my eyes. I knew that he wanted to be optimistic like always, but this time we need something more. We need a miracle, but every reason for me to believe in magic is gone. So who can help me now? Nobody. Nobody…

We were sitting for some minutes in silence and then the doctor came so they both had to leave, she did the usual check and like always I didn’t get a chance to see a smile on her face after everything. I had enough of looking at those sad eyes, so I just closed mine until she leaves, but I guess she decided for me what to do… the sudden feeling just made the world spin and turn dark. 

As I understood later because of the medicine she gave to me I slept almost all day, so when I first opened my eyes, I felt really strange. This feeling after sleeping for so long was good but at the same bad because I wasn’t dreaming anything, it was a total blackout and when I opened my eyes suddenly remembered what happened and that Phichit with Seung-Gil came and that I don’t have much time left, but I still need to find _him_. Or maybe everything was just a dream? Maybe I am still alone here… maybe…

  
“Yuuri, heeey… Why you didn’t tell me that you have a child! Such cutie!” I heard Phichit voice next to the window so I turned my head, he was standing there, holding Shuusei in his arms. The boy didn’t look very happy but since he was able to see what is going on through the window he was sitting calm. After his words, Phichit pressed Shuusei eve harder to his chest like he was a toy.

“Where is Seung-Gil..?” I asked and looked around but there was just three of us. Shuusei looked at me and smiled, but he still was more interested in looking at the window right now, he tried to show me with his hands that he likes what he sees. It was already evening, but the view was still clear enough.

“He went to meet Yurio and Otabek, they should be back any minute. Who is this cutie, Yuuri? He looks like you really, don’t tell me you were pregnant and you didn’t tell me???” Phichit looked at me with his big eyes. Oh, jeez… is he still in those fanfictions? What is he thinking about?

“I am a man, I can’t get pregnant…” after my words said with poker face Phichit started laughing again. I would also want to laugh, but the pain came back and I had to deal with it somehow because I didn’t want him to see what I am feeling. “He saved me…” after a few seconds of silence I tried to speak again, but I had to close my eyes… that’s bad… I am getting that strange feeling in my mouth again, good that I didn’t eat anything today. Just after a few minutes, I understood that somehow this silence is strange so I opened my eyes again. Phichit was looking at the window, together with Shuusei, they weren’t even blinking.

“Oh…my… I will be right back.” Phichit quickly put Shuusei on the floor and ran from the ward before I even asked anything. He ran out so fast, that even forgot to close the door. What the hell did he saw? Did Seung-Gil came back? But why he had to ran from here? I could see corridor from my bed and I was staring at it as if Phichit would come back any second.

“Victol.” Suddenly Shuusei spoke and I turned my head to him so fast, that I think I braced my neck. What did he say? “Victol… fliend.” He was trying to reach the window, but of course, he was too small for that. My heart was beating fast before, but now just in one second, it turned from the normal speed to the highest. If not because of the internal bleeding, I will die from stroke. I need to see… I need to see. 

With one of my hands, I took out that medical crap that was put in my body and with one hand grabbed on the table, tried to move my legs. Faster… you need to do it faster. Shuusei was jumping next to the window and I was still in the bed, trying to get out. Of course, when I reached the floor with my legs… I had to grab also on my side because that second I thought that I will tear apart from pain. I pressed my lips stronger, trying to hold coughing. One... step... and second. Here I am next to the window. Shuusei grabbed my hospital clothes, but I really didn’t have strengths to take him in my arms. There is something going on outside... but I can‘t see without my glasses. They were lying next to me, still with one glass broken, but it doesn‘t matter. I took them with my shivering hands and put them on. I swear at that second when I looked down, my world turned upside down again.

Not far away from the parking, there were five people standing. Yurio like always, the smallest one but the one who had the most energy, shouting something that I couldn‘t hear, Otabek behind him because he needed to hold Yurio's hands from doing something. Seung-Gil was standing next to them and Phichit was holding _his_ hand. I pressed both of my palms to the window when I saw _him_. I saw his silver hair and perfect face features, they were like I remember... nothing changed, _he_ wasn‘t hurt... but _he_ was standing there, trying to get rid of Phichit‘s hand and because of that I couldn‘t see clearly... but... _he_ was here. _He_ was here...

I ran and I fell thousand times, but I was able to stand up, even before realizing that I am on the floor. There was even one part when I had to slither, but I didn‘t mind. Even when the first blood came out from my mouth I didn‘t care, the pain was gone, everything was gone because I found _him_... _he_ came back... _he_ came back to me. I left Shuusei alone and I was lucky that I haven‘t met anyone on my way to the elevator. And even if somebody would have tried to stop me... it would be impossible there is nothing... nothing that can stop me from seeing _him_. I can‘t believe... _he_ is there... standing...  real. _He_ found me… came back to me. My love, I am coming wait a little bit. I am coming. I pressed the first floor’s button with my free hand, somehow still standing on my feet even if my hand on the side was already red and slippery. I tried to breath slow but it was impossible because I was literally going insane. Can you imagine what was going inside my head? I thought that my husband died, I thought that there is no light left outside for me that I also can leave this world, but _he_ came. I don’t know how and when, but the fact that _he_ came back for me was enough. There were blood and tears in my mouth, I was all wet from sweat and the view even with glasses became so blurry… but the worst part was the wait. I was on the second floor but it still took ages to reach the first floor. Finally, when the door opened I fell into the hallway and somebody screamed after seeing me. I was on my knees, holding on the floor with one hand and another one on my side. Get up. Get up now… get up.

“Someone, call the doctor!” I heard the scream, but they were too late. I am faster, I am stronger because I am so close to _him_ now. I can almost see _him_ from here. I stood up and my body was held by unknown forces. My love was holding me… Hey, can’t you see me already? With the bloody hand, I pushed the door and they opened automatically. I was also, ignoring all screams behind me.

“Vic-“ My voice is unrecognizable. Weak, silent and blood came out from my mouth at the same second as I opened it. Someone grabbed my wrist, but I didn’t care I moved so fast, that even healthy person couldn’t do anything. This is the power of love. This is how much I wanted to see _him_.

“Vic-“ I tried again. I finally saw _him_ , _he_ was walking away, wearing just some hospital clothes, going somewhere in the wrong direction. I am here! Turn around, damn… I am here… love… love… Someone again grabbed me, this time I even heard a voice that I should have known…. They screamed something in fear but I didn’t care what, I couldn’t hear them because nobody else exists for me now. Turn around… please… turn around.

 “VICTOR!” I thought that my lungs together with my heart will come out after this scream. Finally, finally from the moment I first opened my eyes I was able to say _his_ name. And _he_ turned around, I happily finally again set my myself free and almost jumped on _him_. I grabbed on his white clothes with my bloody hands and I didn’t care. I think _he_ didn’t care either. My knees touched the hard ground and I pressed my face to his legs. Love… love…

At that second I didn’t understand what hatred is burning in his blue eyes, I didn’t understand that his face is frozen as the ice and there is no warmth in it, I even didn’t realize that he didn’t lean forward to also take me in his arms. There was nothing I knew about this Victor. He was a total stranger, but I swear… that second I couldn’t see all of it. He was here and that’s what I needed the most. I cried out loud, holding on him, taking back my life, breathing with him and finally feeling happy. He is alive… he is alright… my love, my life… I sighed. Finally. Finally, I can close my eyes in peace.


	8. Chapter 48. Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey~~
> 
> How was your weekend? ^_^ Okay, just enough with happy things.  
> The only question I have... why the fuck nobody has hugged Victor.... jeez... it looks like he is the most evil here now TT_TT my poor baby <3 He needs a hug sooo much.
> 
> Sad things they just doesn't stop, but for chapter 50 I am preparing really beautiful OTHER story for you TT_TT but until then there is still one more chapter left from Yuuri's side, also you will find out about Victor's condition. and FINALLY, those two dickheads will meet and talk TT__TT so a lot of drama coming next on this channel.  
> Stay tuned in! <3  
> Hahahaha :D 
> 
> Love you,  
> Vitavili <3

I came back to my ward after seeing his name on that door and I couldn’t find peace. I tried to fall asleep, I tried to ask for pills from the pain but it didn’t help. Nothing helped. Every time I closed my eyes, I was seeing that name written and I just tried to remember so hard if he uses these Kanji to write his name, but even this wouldn’t have calmed me down. I didn’t care who there was lying, but that person with his name was too close. Too close to hurt me again. And I can’t let that happen, I don’t want to feel it again, absolutely not. Even thinking about that made me sick and pain in the head even worse. After few hours I was literally crying from that burning inside my head, I wish I could just pass out from it, but noooo, I had to live with it. All I was able to do is lie in bed, squeezing pillow and silently screaming from pain until finally, someone decided to end this. At last….

“Silverhead-san you have to eat something, how else you will get better then?” nurse was here already for the third time, repeating this over and over again. When medicine stopped working I was forced to wake up here, around these walls on the same floor where that person was lying. Not only my head was burning, but also that place where I used to have a heart and where now was just a dust and the dark. I covered my head with the blanket and turned to the side. Leave me alone. Just go. “If you don’t eat we will have to put a drip.” I bet she thought that it will sound like a warning. Great, just do it then and leave. They couldn’t understand what happened to me, just today in the morning I was talking with them, going around and following every order they told me to do because I wanted to leave this place as soon as I can and now everything changed. “Don’t you want to visit Shuusei-kun?” she tried for the last time to tell something that would make me at least move and that really made me feel a bit guilty because I have promised the boy that I will come, but I didn’t. And I won’t. It’s enough because I can’t let myself get attached to people. Only this way I will protect myself from more pain. Nurse had to give up, she left the ward leaving me alone again. It was getting dark outside but I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t have anything in my mouth today yet I felt really full. Full of that horrible feeling inside me that was turning me slowly into nothing. I bet he is happy somewhere now, I mean already 4 years passed right, and me… maybe I was able to forget him, but now I again have to live with this pain and hatred. I don’t what I would do if I saw Yuuri now, I guess nothing. I would just stab him right into his heart in the same way he did for me. Just to know how it feels when the person who you love the most leaves you, leaves your life that you were building together… turning all those years into one shitty letter that doesn’t explain anything. Leave you with that huge wound in your chest and every memory just adds more and more salt on it. I guess he was heartless from the start.

For everyone, this was so strange and for me usual. I use to spend days in bed like this all the time at home, normally I would have something similar to vodka next to me, but instead of that now I have an unstoppable headache. I would say that it's even better because the pain was near to that one I was feeling in my chest. When I feel like this, I can lie doing nothing for three days… just cry until my pillow becomes like a sponge and every single part of my body feels numb. Usually, in Russia, there was Yurio or Yakov who finally made me get up, but after that bullshit about my condition came out even they didn’t try to do anything. It’s so hard to think that it’s already 2023, I still think about things like they happened just now. I guess after four years there is no one that speaks about me on television and Yurio with Yakov got tired of me already. Maybe that’s why I am in Japan alone. That would be a good explanation because they finally let me do what I want and I ended up in the hospital. Karma everywhere. It was so funny to be here because I am dying anyway… but I got that feeling inside that doctors are not telling me everything. They said that I can go when they do all tests and maybe I don’t know a lot about medicine, but believe me… there was something more here. Some of those tests they already did three times and whenever I ask about results the answer is the same: _We will tell you after we finish everything, there is no point telling you if we are not sure_. Actually, they were so good at lying that I believed in them. But not today. So nobody was able to force me to get up in the evening and go to see a doctor, even when Ishikawa came I didn’t open my eyes. Either they let me out now or I will just stay here doing nothing just occupying this bed which they need for other hurt people. It’s your fault Yuuri… it’s your fault that I am like that. I hope you are happy. I hope that you are freaking satisfied after everything you have done. Because if you are not I will hate you even more.

“Maybe you want to go outside?” I didn’t hear when she came into the ward but it was the first time after two days when I moved because I wanted to do that. Is she really saying that? At last, someone is not forcing me to eat or to get up or do something else. Doctor Ishikawa came and pulled out the needle of the drip from my skin. “You are lying here since yesterday’s lunch… so I thought maybe this way I will make you move a little bit. What do you say if we take a walk?” I would have said no or I would have said anything, but the word “outside” gave me hope that I can finally walk from this place, walk as far away as I can from everything here. “You know… I usually don’t tell this to my patients, but you are really beautiful. And I bet you are talented.” She started speaking when I sat and took from her another shirt to put on. Is she saying this now because I am shirtless? So predictable…. “I was just wondering… why you hate life so much? One of the reasons why we can’t let you go… because you hate your life so there is a risk that you will try to do something. You already tried, right?” I was already with a shirt when she took my hand and looked at my wrist. There was a scar, not a big one, but I remember that the wound I made was deep. This scar was the only prove for me that those 4 years have passed because now it was almost invisible.

“There are different types of people.” It was the first time I spoke since yesterday and that’s why my voice was a little bit strange. I moved my hand from hers and also put on a thin sweater. “I am one of those who can just love or just hate. And both things I do with everything I have.” I got up from the bed, I was wearing white hospital pants so I just put on the slippers. I will finally go outside. I won’t explain her anything more, first of all, is not that I want her to know and another thing she wouldn’t understand. It’s impossible to understand what I have lost. I thought that she won’t say anything else because we left the ward and went towards the elevators, but once we were inside she looked at me.

“If you let me I will tell you one more thing…” Is not like I can shut her up, right? “I don’t want to guess what have happened that changed your life, but I can see… that you are not this person. I mean, you are different. It’s not you. I have seen how you talk with that boy and I know that you are kind... and this mask you are wearing is just something fake. It’s like you are protecting yourself from something. The same is with your memory until you find yourself back you won’t remember anything. Or maybe… just maybe something has happened in these years you don’t remember. Something important. Are you letting everything go so easily?” She finished talking when we were already in the hallway. And thank you God, that she did, because I couldn’t listen to this anymore. If I knew this… I wouldn’t have agreed to go for a walk. She will talk non-stop all the time, right? She will try to convince me that I want my memories back. But she doesn’t know anything. She doesn’t know who I really am and what happened to me. She doesn’t know what I lost in what way and why it hurts so much. She doesn’t understand that it’s impossible for me to heal… even if I remember everything nothing will change. Because I will never be able to forgive him. Never. I don’t care what happened and I don’t care who I was in the past. This is who I am now. This is what I have become. When I didn’t answer anything just stood there looking at the door in front of me she sighed. Gave up. “Alright… I have to go talk with one doctor you can go outside, but don’t go too far. Parking is the limit.” Who am I to her? A kid? Jeez.

I walked outside and took a deep breath. Sakura were blooming and everything around was so peaceful and surprisingly warm - a total reverse of what was going inside me. Still, it felt so much being here than in hospital. I crossed my arms on the chest and started walking. There was a lot of people outside so I have chosen a path which was leading away from them. Even if I tried not to think about that, I couldn’t forget doctor’s words. I have changed as a person? How I used to be before everything? I remember that I was smiling and everything around me was in bright colors. I used to laugh a lot and it was impossible for me to get mad… unless it was Yuuri. For example, that time when he told me “After the final let’s end this.” I swear I got really mad… but even my anger was different. But sometimes there are things that don't change… he was and always will be the only one who can break me down. But this time he reached the point where I couldn’t get up at my feet and the real reason why I started hating life and love was because Yuuri was the one who has taught me these two words from L letter. There was a time… when I was ready to do anything for him, there was a time when I couldn’t imagine my day without a smile and now… there is nothing inside me. I became…

“Isn’t that Victor?”

“WHAT THE HELL??!!” VICTOR!!!”

These voices made me wake up from those miserable thoughts about my life. I turned around not even thinking about it and I saw Yurio. Like… Yurio who have really matured. As I remember him he had shorter hair and his face features were a little bit more childish, but now he was different. So four years really passed, right? Well… some things don't change at all. He was running towards me and I all I could think of was how the hell he found me?? Did Shuusei tell my name to someone? It’s impossible, doctors would have told me that. I moved back when he wanted to grab my hand and now he was staring at me with those bright green eyes full of… surprise I guess. I couldn’t see the pure anger in them, but he was really pissed off.

“The… fuck… Nikiforov?? Are you out of your mind?? Everyone is looking for you and you are here taking a walk with that fucking calm face of yours???” He started shouting right away and I rolled my eyes. Here it goes again. It still doesn’t explain how he have found me? And who is everyone?

“I am sure he has an explanation.” Just now I saw that he is not alone. Otabek was standing behind him. Otabek?? Didn’t they break up and that’s why Yurio wanted to start dating with me? Oh… right… it’s been four years I guess these cat psychopaths just couldn’t be apart for too long. And I already thought that Yurio knows what I am feeling. Obviously, he doesn’t. Here was someone more… I bet I saw him somewhere… Oh, it’s that Korean guy. What was his name again? And what the hell he is doing here?

“SPEAK!!! Before I kicked your ass!” Yurio spoke again and I let my eyes down at him. Kicked my ass? Right, this is one of the things where he is good at. I leaned forward to him I suddenly Yurio froze, his eyes got big and I even saw how he holds his breath. Are you scared of this empty look, punk?

“Yes, I have an explanation. I.Do.Not.Care.” I said it slowly that he would understand me and Yurio opened his mouth. “Go back from where you came and leave me alone.” I stretched my back but suddenly Yurio jumped on me, at least he wanted to do that because Otabek was faster and he grabbed Yurio from behind.

“Let me go! I will just kill him for real!! What the hell his talking??? Maybe he has hit his brains or what??” Otabek was the one with the brain here, as I see. He murmured something Yurio into the ear that made him stop for one second and look at me. What?

“Victor!” Suddenly Phichit came from nowhere and grabbed my hand so fast that I didn’t have a chance to resist. Is all circus here? What’s going on? “Oh my… we found you! That was fast actually. Anyway, Yuuri is dying… he is dying! Let’s go. You must be worried so much, but he is also here… let’s go. Victor?” He tried to pull me, but I was standing there as still as I was. Yuuri? He just said Yuuri? Fuck… fuck fuck fuck. So that’s how it is. Actually, he was the one in that ward. He is on the same floor as I. That burning feeling inside me came back so fast that I moved even a little bit too fast making Phichit almost fall, but he was holding my hand too hard so he didn’t let go.

“So let him die then. Why the hell should I care?? Let me go.” I tried to set my hand free and the same time, Yurio again started reaching me and shouting something but I even didn’t try to listen. Phichit suddenly let my hand go, so fast as if electric current would have shaken him. His face became almost pale but I turned around and sighed. That’s what happens when you walk outside. I started going and neither of them tried to chase after me. My hands were almost trembling, I can’t believe that he is also here. And that joke with dying was really good. And why the hell should I really care what happened to him? Why do they think that I would be worried? And why they are so mad about this? I just… My head again… that pain… there are so many noises again behind me… they must be calling me to back come, but I just can’t understand because this pain is…

“VICTOR!” This voice made me stop and turn around even before I understood that it’s him who is shouting me. It was like an order that I couldn’t resist. Just when I saw him right in front of my eyes, my heart started beating again. But not from love. From pain. And fear. He is again here to ruin my life. And he is looking as he just came alive from one of my nightmares. Pale white… covered in blood… blood from his mouth and bloody clothes, bloody hands. I don’t know why at that second I also understood that he was the one I saw in doctor’s Ishikawa’s office, he was the one who started choking blood and he was the one… Shuusei’s father or brother??? Why the hell… why all steps I make has to lead to him? And where did he came from? Was he in Japan? And how he is walking by his own? He was in a wheelchair. I couldn’t do anything just stand and look at him with that frozen face. Yuuri was holding on my clothes making me drown in that same blood… and those questions in my head they just didn’t stop… it’s a nightmare…. It’s not real…someone take him from me…. Take him. His face pressed to my legs makes them tremble and he is holding on me so hard… I can’t. This pain is becoming worse and worse. And it’s not real. Everything here is just a fake. LET. ME. GO… for God sake… just…

 

I opened my eyes and sighed. That was a horrible dream. I just dreamed how I was walking outside and then… Yurio came shouting at me and others and then I saw Yuuri all covered in blood and he grabbed me, pulled together with him on the ground, together in hell… That was horrible, that was so horrible. I don’t think that I will be able to fall asleep now. If there is a chance that I will dream something like that again. It was early morning outside and a there was a needle under my skin. So nothing happened then… I guess I just fell asleep and slept until the morning. I wish I would have stayed awake. That view I saw in the dream was still in my head, it was so real. So scary… Someone knocked on the door. It must nurse. But they usually don’t knock, they just do what they want. I didn’t answer but someone still opened the door and I saw dark hair and dark eyes that made me freeze. No… no. no no no. Don’t come. Don’t come here.

“Victor… you are awake…” Phichit entered the ward and I was still looking at him with wide eyes. What… he is here? That means… that… everything wasn’t just a nightmare? “Doctor told us everything that happened to you…” he closed the door and started walking towards my bed. What does he mean by everything? I moved a little bit away from him, as far as I could in this bed. But Phichit still sat next to me. Why my lip is trembling? “I am sorry… we just… didn’t have any idea that you have lost your memories… well, we understood from your reaction that something is wrong… but…” he looked right into me, as he wanted to check if I really have the same face as I used to have. I guess the answer was positive because Phichit moved his eyes now at the door. “Doctor said that you don’t want to get your memories back. But there is something you must know before it’s too late.” Phichit is not fair, he is talking with that serious voice that is really rare for him and that I can’t understand. Didn’t I tell yesterday that I don’t care… please… just leave me. Is just too much, I can’t handle it all. “You are married to Yuuri.” I already thought that I will just turn on my side and pretend that I don’t listen until he leaves, but this sentence just hit to my head so hard and even those rings on my hand started crushing my fingers.

“Impossible.” I tried to smile to show Phichit that he is going insane. Why should I marry someone who has broken me in all possible ways? And now when I have just one year to live? Really? Never. Nothing would have made me do that. So if he is saying this because Yuuri is dying… it won’t work.

“That’s the reason why I told Yurio not to come here… he would have kicked your head…” Phichit sighed after his words, it was the first time when I saw that it’s hard to speak for him. But there is nothing that he could tell me. Nothing will make me feel better. “I know… that it’s hard for you to believe this… but everything really changed. Yuuri started walking again and came back to you and you tried again to be together…. And it’s almost a year after your wedding… you are really happy… You even came to Japan to celebrate here your first anniversary… and then this earthquake happened…” he again looked at me, this time I saw hope in his eyes but I just raised my brow.

“Get.Out.” I said silently but it was a warning. It was the shittiest possible story I have ever heard. Sounds like a horrible fanfiction idea. Things don't work in life like this. I don’t care if he walks or flies I would never forgive him, I would never let him in again. And that marriage thing…. What the hell. “Get. Out. Now. Or I will make you.” Phichit looked at me but he still didn’t move. “Get out!! Leave me in peace! Let me live this one year I have without any of this bullshit!” I couldn’t hold my voice anymore so I started shouting and I am sure that somebody heard us, but it’s alright. Let them come and take him away with his stupid imagination.

“One year…?” from all these words he heard just this one? Oh... shit… Just Yurio knew how much I have left. “Oh no… Victor…” he wanted to tell me something, but in the end, he changed his mind and bit his lip. I saw that Phichit is giving up. He couldn’t do anything because I showed him everything I was feeling now. And the fact that I don’t have feels made him understand that I won’t believe in his lies. Finally, he stood up and I sighed. As soon as he started walking towards the door and turned to the side, turning my back to him and closed my eyes. Good. Go and don’t come back. “Yuuri is in coma… doctors say that if he doesn’t wake up in following few hours… he will die. I thought that you should know that.” He said this really silently but those words sounded like the last scream, I covered my head with the blanket and then I heard how he closes the door. So what? I don’t care. I really don’t care.

 

So if I don’t care, why I am standing next to his ward? How did I end up here? I can’t tell. I just remember that after Phichit left I couldn’t get out the feeling that I am not where I should be and there was just one way to test this. So I pulled out the needle from my skin and got up from the bed. Here I am. In the corridor, I met few doctors but they weren’t those that I knew very well so they didn’t pay attention where I was going. Especially because I wasn't injured or something like that so nobody stopped me. That’s a pity. I wish that someone would have done that. I wish that there was a bunch of people next to his ward but there was no one. I opened the door and I thought that at least I will meet someone of those who came here, but Yuuri was alone. Alone, with those all medical technologies that names I didn’t know around his bed. Some of them were connected to his body and there was some plastic mask on his face I guess that helped him to breath. I wish that this view would have made me feel something, but there was nothing, maybe because he didn’t look like himself now? I don’t know. I moved forward and stopped just when my knees touched the bed and I couldn’t go anymore. What now? What should I do? It’s not like I can help him. It’s not like I want to be here… I avoided looking at his face, but now I just pressed my lips as hard as I could and looked at him.

I can’t handle thoughts about you anymore… I just can’t. I want to wash all those memories about us together. Every thought about you is an endless pain, every memory happy or sad that I have with you makes me want to cry and kill myself just in order to forget it. That’s why I did that… that’s why I tried to suicide because you left and you said that you will never come back and I had to live on, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And I didn’t have other way just to end my life because it was impossible to live without you, to breathe without you. It was the end for me. But somehow when I heard that I am really dying… I started hating you for this. Because you made feel this pain and I will have to die in it because of you. You didn’t let me die fast… because of you, I will have to count time now and wait for that moment. How could you do this to me? Why did you lie to me? You should have just left after Grand Prix in 2016… or you shouldn’t have said that you need me. Why did you say that we will be together? Why did you ask me to be with you forever if everything turned into lies? There is nothing left between us. Nothing. All we have is just a pain that you made and that will be after me, it will be standing behind me until my last day. It’s your fault! It’s your fault… it’s your…

I grabbed Yuuri’s throat and pressed my fingers, but he didn’t move, he didn’t even flinch. I didn’t squeeze hard, but I was able to feel his heart beat under his skin. You see where are we now because of you? If you… just would have told me how you feel back then I would have helped you. But you have chosen the easiest way and that’s what you get for it. And don’t tell me that I am not right… I saw on my finger those rings, then I let Yuuri’s throat go, I looked at his hand and saw exactly the same. Rings. So Phichit wasn’t lying? How… how. I slowly took his hand into mine, his fingers were cold but exactly the same shape as I remembered. This is the only way I can clear myself. This is the only way to forget you forever. I must do what I wasn’t able to do when you left me. I must do this. I don’t know how long will it take before my feelings fade away completely. I think… I will still hate you and I will still love you, always fighting between these two. But the hatred is something that will rip me apart completely. It’s good that I will come after you soon. Maybe there I will find answers? Maybe. My heart has enough in this life, it’s impossible to make it complete again… it’s impossible for my soul to return. No matter what.. I just can’t forgive you… but I have never wished death for you. Really. I wanted you to be happy… but my happiness always depended on you and you took it away. So now it’s time to let you go. Completely. For sure.

I took off rings of my finger and put them in Yuuri’s hand, then pressed his fingers between mine and leaned forward until I was able to touch his ear with my lips. He doesn’t smell the same as I remember… it’s different… it’s the smell of medicine and hospital. The smell of death.

“Bye…” I whispered. He wrote to me goodbye in his letter but I never had a chance to say goodbye to him. So now. “…Yuuri.” I couldn’t hold myself back, so I pressed my dry lips to his ear harder and after I felt that something inside me is trembling I quickly moved away from him and stepped back. You said… to rise above, but I can’t… I can’t. Yuuri opened his eyes and blinked few times, then his look slowly moved and stopped at me. No. I turned around and left the ward closing the door. But I swear… at that second I heard how something made from metal hits the floor.

 

  
“Ishikawa!” forget those polite words, I don’t care about them. I didn’t knock, I just opened her office door and walked in. She was standing at the table writing something quickly as she was in a hurry. But she is not going anywhere. When I came in, she raised her head and opened mouth. What is she surprised about? My entrance or that my face is red from tears? Either way, she will have to do what I want. “You told me, that you will let me go. I already did all those tests you wanted me to do, some of them even few times. Just give my stuff back and let me go.” When I said what I wanted she sighed and slowly sat at the table, I won’t give up this time. She will do as I want or I will leave this place like that. Those memories I lost doesn’t change anything.

“Victor…” It was the first time I heard her saying my name. I wish I would have just stayed Silverhead until the end. And I thought that Japanese likes calling others by their last names? We are not that close. “Sit down.” I didn’t move. “I think it’s time to tell you why we can’t let you go… at least not alone.” She took one of the folders on her table and opened it. As if I can read kanji or whatever. “The thing is that…” I never saw her like that, like trying to pick words, what she is hiding?

When she told me everything I couldn’t do anything else just sit on the chair and look in front of me. I already thought that life has kicked my ass in every possible way it could. As I see, I was wrong. There is always something more.


	9. Chapter 49. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my masochistic squad~ (OMG it's such a good name, I just can't. I will add it to tags )
> 
> First of all, that thing written in italic it's not some sort of memory it's just what Yuuri sees while he is in a coma... Just to make sure ^_^  
> And oh my, this chapter somehow is so long :D like 8,6k words in one day. I am proud of myself :3  
> But those feels....damn damn...
> 
> Anyway, the next chapter is OTHER, you will get Victuuri AU fanfic written by Phichit. So it will help your heart recover, I hope <3 <3 <3 There will be smut :3 yeah :3  
> Oh, and next chapter might take some time because I am planning to write about 10k words or even more and I have some work to do in the following days, soooo, thank you for waiting in advance <3
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> p.s. sooo after reading this.... what do you think.... what will happen to Victor?

_I love our life in Sant Peterburg. We have a huge apartment on 11th floor, with an amazing view, I know every corner of this flat and it feels so mine, so close because we have decorated and picked the furniture together. I think of all those places where I have lived this one is the most precious to me. There was a time when after hearing “home” I thought about_ Hatsetsu _, well I still do think the same. But_ Hatsetsu _became my second home because, no matter what, when somebody says this word, first of all, I have a view of this flat in my head and just then comes everything else, but of course I wouldn’t feel this way if not him. It’s like an endless super sweet dream and I don’t think that I want to wake up from it ever, there is always the sun behind the window and there is always this warmth around me that only he can spread._

_Our day always starts the same. Me sitting in the kitchen, drinking black coffee and waiting for him to wake up. And he like always enters the room with that sleepy face yawning and of course fully naked. He is still like a child, always does what he wants… I should be mad, but I can’t. How can I be mad at him? All I can do is sit there with blushed face and that dumb smile, watch how he gracefully walks in showing all those perfect muscles, not embarrassed at all. Why should he? I mean, he has a body of a God. Those abs… jeez._

_“Put some clothes on or you will catch a cold,” I said when he enters the kitchen, but my face says different things. It says: walk around like this all day, and make orgasm for my eyes, please. He rubs eyes with his hands and finally looks at me. I get all the power of those blue eyes, total pureness. Suddenly he smiles spreading all that wonderful feeling around me and into me. I love his smile, I will be never tired of repeating that over and over again._

_“In the middle of the summer?” he walks towards the fridge opens it and I get the perfect view of his back and butt. I can't answer because he is right and because I don’t want him to put on the clothes. “And if I put my clothes on how will you stare at my naked butt then?” he turns around and I suddenly feel how my cheeks are getting more and more red, he knows that I am staring! With trembling palm I cover my mouth, still can’t get through this feeling and I thought that he doesn’t notice…_

_“I am… not staring…” I tried to protect myself after a few seconds but he just started laughing and I don’t know why this laugh made me smile even more. It’s so warm and I feel protected because of it. It’s like a whole new level of the drug, when you hear him laughing it’s impossible not to smile._

_“What’s for breakfast, hun?” he asks and I look at him again. He already stands in front of me, just at another side of the table. I could reach him with my hand, but I don’t know why I am not doing this, even if I want to touch him so much. Somehow I can’t force myself to do that. It’s like if I touch him, something might happen. But he doesn’t feel the same, I see how he leans forward and I feel totally captivated by his eyes. He is going to kiss me. Do that. “How about I eat you for the breakfast?” his silent voice asks this and of course I agree, how can I not agree with that? I close my eyes waiting for the touch. “OH! I am late for work!!” What? I open my eyes, but he is not looking at me, his eyes are pointed at the clock above my head. He quickly moves and leaves the kitchen, after a few seconds I can already hear how he is jumping in the hallway trying to put on jeans. Just great. Why I get the feeling that it’s not the first time like this? “You don’t have to work today?” His voice comes from somewhere and then he shows up already trying to button up his shirt as fast as he can._

_“Nop… no meetings today. I have an appointment on Tuesday because of that competition in Dublin next month.” I watch at him thinking that I should go and help him but on the other hand I love looking how he puts on clothes as much as looking how he takes them off. “At least drink a little bit of coffee before leaving and don’t forget to eat lunch somewhere.” I push the cup with my coffee through the table and Victor takes it, drinks a little bit and then puts it back. Sometimes he listens to me and that feels good, but it’s rare, usually he still does what he wants._

_“Baby, you are so cute.” Victor bites his lower lip, looks at me and all I can think of is that I wish he would bite mine like that. “I will be back around four. There is a meeting about Russian Nationals and then I have some paperwork to be done. I will buy some wine for the evening.” He sends me smirk and I open my arms. Come here and give me a proper goodbye kiss you dummy. Smirking is not enough, Victor comes closer and I feel that something is squeezing my heart. Why am I afraid to touch him?_

_“Wine? We are celebrating something?” I let my hands down and change the topic quickly then climb off the chair with the dirty cup in my hand. Victor still stands in the same spot but I can't see his face just feel the eyes pointed at my back._

_“Life.” He answers and I suddenly turn around but he is already in the hallway putting on shoes I can see him through the open kitchen door. Celebrating life? “Kisses,_ liubov _! See you soon!” he shouts and I hear how the door closes. So here I am alone until the evening._

_I don’t know why day always passes so quickly, it seems that I just went from the kitchen sat on the couch in the living room and I hear how he opens the door. What was I doing all the day? How about lunch? Something feels not right, but as soon as I see how he enters the room all other thoughts are gone. His cheeks are red from the wind and he smiles widely holding a bottle of really good wine. I wave at him and he looks super happy about something, going towards the bar taking out the glasses and I stand up also walking closer to him._

_“I have super great news, Yuuri!” he laughs and I understand he was thinking about this all the way. I can do anything else just smile, looking how he opens the wine and pours it into the glasses, it has the color of strong red and just after looking at it I feel already dizzy._

_“Don’t tell me that you took some days off…?” I say this with the smile but the feeling inside me is the same as this morning. That I already said this somewhere and not one time. He opens mouth from surprise._

_“Amazing! How did you guess? And even more, I made sure that you also would have holidays on the same days._ Sooo _we are definitely going somewhere! I am thinking about… Paris or maybe Costa Rica… or Rio? New York? Hm? Yuuri?” he I stopped listening to him after he said that I also have free days. I think I should be happy about this but the feeling that I know every of his words from this one makes me scared. It’s like a movie script or strange déjà vu feeling. He sees that I am not listening anymore and I can hear that he is worried. “You don’t want to…?” suddenly his voice gets sad, but it’s not because of this. It’s just…_

  
_“Hug me, Victor,” I say his name for this first time today and when I blink for a few second the view gets blurry, but then everything gets clear again… and I even didn’t start drinking the wine. I step closer to him, finally ready to touch, but Victor steps back. What? “Hug me,” I repeat but all I can see it’s his sad eyes and how he looks somewhere away, again that painful feeling in my chest. I ask just for a hug, is that so hard? I move closer to him, but Victor again goes back, I can see that he also wants to hug me, but something is stopping him from that._

_“Wait, Yuuri… it’s-“ But I don’t let him finish the sentence I move quickly and wrap my arms around his waist. At least I wanted to do that, but I am just hugging the air. I almost fall from this feeling because there is nothing in my arms but somehow I am able to stand, when I turn around I see Victor standing right in front of me. But his view is different, it’s like a channel with bad connection all blurry and blinking. My body starts shaking and I feel something in my throat. Victor… he is not telling me anything, but I can see that he is smiling, that heartwarming smile, frozen on his face. I try to reach his cheek with fingers but they go through his image is if Victor is just a hallucination, just a mirage… there is nothing just an air. He is in front of me so why I can't touch him? WHY I CAN’T TOUCH HIM?? Love…_

  
_Our morning always starts like this. Me sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee waiting until he gets up. And he does, he enters the room fully naked, showing that God’s body of his. It’s just I have seen the same view so many times now. Over and over again… it’s like a loop with no ending and I can't get out from it. I am happy to see him yet in my heart I know that every time this dream ends as soon as I try to touch him and then starts all over again. That’s why I am afraid to do that, I better just look at him than lose everything. Why… Can't I? Where I am stuck in…? Where am I?_

_“You are home.” He suddenly speaks and I look at Victor. His eyes are still sleepy and he is standing right in front of me. Can he read my mind? “Yes… and no. I can do whatever you want me to do.” He holds on the table with one hand and leans forward, I reach his face with my fingers but I already know what happens they go through his beautiful skin. I am unable to touch him._

_“Why… I can’t touch you?” I ask feeling tears in my eyes, it’s the most painful thing of all, yet I need to know the answer. If it’s really a sweet dream and I am controlling it, so why I can't touch him? I want to touch him so badly I also want him to touch me. I can feel Victor’s breathing on my lips, it’s warm and so close. It’s killing me._

_“Because… you are still holding on…” What? What is he talking about? I am holding on what? “Let go Yuuri… and we can be together forever, just two of us, baby… then nobody will separate us. Let go…” he touches my lips with his and suddenly somehow I feel Victor’s fingers on my throat, they are warm and I can feel them so well, they are not strangling, just holding yet it feels so real, much more real than this kiss. “Let go…” Victor repeats and his kiss gets more and more deeper now I can feel it better. Then the same warm feel goes on my fingers, nobody is touching my hand but I can still feel the warmth on it._

_“Bye… Yuuri.” Where this voice is coming from?? Bye?? It’s Victor’s voice but it’s not here. I quickly move my head and look around but we are alone in the kitchen yet… this voice is coming from somewhere. I look at Victor in front of me and he is smiling, he opens arms and invites me to come, but now I am not sure. Why my ear is burning, it’s like I am feeling his kiss on it… Victor…_

_“I need to go somewhere…” I jump off the chair and start running towards the door, why I never thought of leaving this flat? I always go directly to the living room, but what if I try leaving it?_

_“Yuuri… are you leaving me again?” I already in front of the door when I see Victor looking at me. “Don’t leave me here… don’t leave.” He asks… and begs and I can see tears in his blue eyes, but I already know what I want. I want to touch him for real._

_“I am not leaving you. I am coming back.” I smiled at him and then left the flat._

 

I open my eyes, but the view is not clear. My body feels numb and there just too much air and my side hurts. I take a deep breath and slowly move my eyes and then I see this color of indigo just in front of me. Oh… He is here Victor… I knew that I will find you. But after seeing that I opened my eyes Victor suddenly turns around and I just see how he leaves. What? I try to raise my hand and stop him somehow, but because of this move I suddenly felt that I lost something that I had in my hand, it hits the floor, sounds like it’s made from metal. It’s again a dream or what? I can’t understand what’s going on… my head feels so dizzy and I want to take that stupid mask off my face. I can breathe on my own…

“… I know that he is dumb, Yurio. But since he thinks that Yuuri has left him like 3 months ago we can’t… Yuuri!!” This scream makes me open my eyes even more widely and now I can hear just how Phichit is shouting from happiness. What’s he is so happy about? I left who? I was sleeping for three months or what?

“Don’t scream so loud you will scare him, guinea piggy, go and call the doctor.” It’s Yurio’s voice, he speaks like always, but this time I can feel that he also smiles. That’s rare. I also somehow want to smile, but because of this mask, I just can’t. Phichit’s screams are moving away. He will wake up all the hospital with them. “Can I take this off?” I look at Yurio he is standing right next to me and I am trying to lift my hand to take off the mask, but it feels so heavy. He slowly takes it off and I took a deep breath on my own. So much better. “Oh… you are alive. Just… don’t start dying again, ok?” he says this and I don’t know why I feel like giggling now. So he came, after all, it still seemed like a dream because Yurio was smiling, but I felt that I am going back to myself again.

“How long was I out?” I asked him trying to move, but Yurio pressed my shoulder to the bed, oh, he is stronger than I thought or maybe I became weaker? “Where… where is Victor?” This should have been my first question! Yes, I remember that I ran out to meet him, I grabbed his clothes and hugged as hard as I could. I hugged him so hard that I thought that no one will be able to take him away from me. Actually, I thought that after I wake up… he will be sitting here. It hurts a little bit, that instead of him I get Yurio. It’s not that I am not happy seeing him… just… I want to see Victor. Now, when I know that he is alive, I need to see him for real.

Before Yurio opened his mouth, Phichit comes back with the doctor, it’s not the doctor I remember, she’s different. She says that Ishikawa is now a little bit busy with another patient and that she will come as soon as she can. It seems that I was out just a little bit more than 16 hours. It was the first time I saw that after looking at me the doctor is smiling, she removed some things from me, leaving just a few saying that it will help me recover. Recover? That means I am not dying? I am not… oh, I am so happy. My friends were standing in the back of the ward. Yurio like always with that cool face of his and Phichit almost jumping up and down, up and down, when he tried to hug Yurio he punched him in the stomach and I couldn’t hold my smile. Sadly doctor asked them to leave for now. She was already checking my pulse when doctor Ishikawa came she smiled widely and opened her arms like I should just jump on her, but I really… no.

“You are so much stronger than we thought! Really, I was already getting depressed… but oh my God, you woke up. And I am glad to tell you that this time we stopped bleeding for sure! Oh my, I will need a few weeks of holidays after this…” she came to me still with the smile and I saw that she is happy about me, but there was a still sad look on her face. I bet she has a lot of patients like me these days… just not sure if all of them will have a happy ending. Talking about the happy ending… “Your side will still hurt for some time, so you must lie and rest. If I see you up one more time, I will tie you to the bed. Understood?” she tried to speak seriously, but I knew that she is actually a good person. Tie me? Nah, I am good for now, I already found what I was looking for, so there is no reason for me to get up. “Now we can invite back your friends.” She said and opened the door, I saw that she wants to leave us alone, but I must ask this question, she has to know or at least know somebody who knows.

“Victor. Victor Nikiforov… where is he? Is he alright?” I asked and Yurio with Phichit froze, they looked at me for a second and then I saw that Yurio kneels to pick something up from the floor, I don’t know what it was, but it made his eyes wide like never, after seeing this Phichit opened his mouth. What did they found? Of course, my friends didn’t understand what we are talking exactly because I was talking to the doctor in Japanese. If they could understand I think they would have already said to us something. Doctor Ishikawa closed the door, she didn’t leave. She came closer to me again, like trying to find words.

“Who is… Victor to you?” that’s a strange question. So she knows about Victor, but asks who he is to me? Like he hasn’t told this to her? Of course, he has. Or maybe she is just checking if I remember or not? Of course, I remember, isn’t that obvious.

“He… he is my husband… my full name is Yuuri Katsuki-Nikiforov. Why? Is something wrong?” I look at her face, but I see that she is not sure to tell me or not to tell me. Yurio and Phichit look at me and at her time to time because all they can understand are names and that’s what makes them wonder what we are talking about. “Just say… silence really won’t help me.” Suddenly I switched my language into English that Phichit and Yurio also could understand. It’s not fair that we are ignoring them. And I was starting getting that strange feeling inside me. Where is Victor? Don’t tell me they have transferred him to another hospital or something like that. No, Victor would never go somewhere without me. But if he is not here… that means he can’t be. That means that something is stopping him from this.

“Well… alright… I mean… okay. Just promise me, that you won’t make me regret this, okay?” she also spoke in English and I nodded, trying to look serious and at the same time thinking about all possibilities. The worst one was that… Victor has fallen while climbing the stairs and he is in a coma or something like that. After hearing that she will tell me something both of my friends turned their eyes down. They know? “He… has lost his memories.” What? WHAT? He doesn’t remember anything? ANYTHING? I know that I said that I will be calm, but it’s just… I didn’t expect that. “Not all… just of past four years. Victor's memories are stuck in two thousand and nineteen, somewhere around the end of April.” I was trying to understand what she has told me I also tried to count. Oh… so it’s the time when we were not together. He doesn’t remember anything that happened to us… I mean it was bad, but not the worst… if he forgave me one time, he will forgive me once again. Especially when I am going to explain everything… I am sure he will forgive me and we will be happy again. And then he will remember… and…

“Yuuri, Victor… hates you.” Yurio spoke this time and I saw how Phichit tries to cover his mouth but he didn’t let him. What does he mean by hating? Victor doesn’t know how to hate… “I was with him at the time when he was in this condition… it’s just happened after he had that overdose and then when somebody in the hospital found out that he tried to suicide and told everything to the reporters… He is the worst of the worst now… it was the time when he was blaming you for everything and… at the time I swear I was happy about this, but now… fuck… I don’t know. He just pisses me off so much that I want to punch him in the face” When Yurio was speaking, Ishikawa raised her brow. I am sure she didn’t know about that. Nice drama, right? I bet she is thinking now why Victor is so important that somebody has told about his condition to reporters.

“Also… Victor thinks that… he has just one year left. He doesn’t know about surgery, that’s why he is mad even more now.” It seems that Phichit decided also to talk. It’s better to know everything at the same time than to be hurt thousand times. Oh, it’s so much more complicated than I thought. He hates me and he thinks that he is still dying. Did someone try to explain him the real situation? Did anyone has told him that everything has changed? “But he will remember soon, right?” he looked at doctor Ishikawa who was quite interested in this story, I bet she felt really much like in Korean drama. After Phichit question she sighed and put her arms in hospital's gown pockets. So my friends also don't know anything about it? The hell… Did they even try to speak with Victor? I am sure that he would have listened to them.

“I just learned a lot of new things about his past… you see, he is not a very talkative person.” Are you kidding me? Victor loves talking… but my friends didn’t look surprised at all. So he doesn’t like to talk, alright… “Actually, I was late to come here, because I was talking with him. Victor asked to let him go from the hospital.” Oh, no… don’t tell me that he left? For God sake, somebody has to go and catch him and bring him here. I will explain everything. My friends also were surprised. “But I couldn’t let him go… since he already knows the truth… I should also tell you. But Yuuri, if your health will get wors-“

“Just tell me. What?” Fuck my health and all. What truth is she talking about? I again tried to get up, holding on with my arms, but this time Phichit pressed my shoulder to the bed. Why is everyone so strong here?

“Katsuki-san I have warned you.” Alright, I am not moving! Just tell me. “The first thing, Victor doesn’t want to remember, that way he is blocking his memories and the possibility of getting them back.” Oh, don’t worry I will make him want to remember… “But… it’s not the worse. What worries me the most and why we can’t let him go alone it’s because… after many tests, we are still not sure what might happen to him…” What does she mean? What can happen to him? “As I see from the results… A headache he is having all the time might lead to these three things: First, slowly Victor will start losing his memories… until he forgets everything and literally becomes just an existing being with no way back. It works like deleting a recording backwards… another possibility is that his personalities might start changing… because of the chaos in his head one day he might wake up thinking that he is six years old and another day thinking that he is twenty. But those personalities may be just until two thousand and nineteen, the point where there is a completely black spot in his memory. Like a broken thing you know… sometimes works but not in that way how it should work. Sooner or later this might drive him insane… and the third, I think the best that can happen is that we leave him like this… we will not force him to remember anything and Victor will just live without these memories of the past four years. I am really sorry to hear that at the time he used to hate you, Katsuki-san… because that man really needs a hug.” It was like a horrible story with different endings but none of them was happy. I was not the only one frozen here. I don’t… I don’t understand how she explained this kind of thing so creatively, like talking about some book. We are talking about person! About my husband here!! For God sake… This is just crazy. This woman is crazy.

“Where the hell is gone: he gets back all his memories and they live happily ever after?!” I thought that it’s Yurio shouting, but actually, it was Phichit. It was the first time in my life when I heard how he raises his voice. “He can get his memories back, right? RIGHT?” I saw that Phichit is staring at the doctor so mad, like a fan who just heard that his favorite show won’t get a second season.

“Of course… there is always a possibility that he recovers, but I don’t want to give you empty hopes because it’s like ninety-five percent that he won’t get his memories back.” She wasn’t scared of Phichit at all, actually, she was looking at him as he was just a cute hamster. So I have five percent of hope now? I will stick with that then. It has to work. There was a time when I had 0 percent and somehow I still made it. “Victor is here, at the moment in his ward… he can go but just if someone of you goes with him together… because if something starts he must have someone close next to him.” After that, she turned around and opened the door. “I am really sorry. Please, Katsuki-san, rest. We will talk about this later.” When she left I turned my head to friends. Yurio was standing there looking at the door with that face as if he was trying to think how to rip off that doctor’s head. It won’t help. Phichit was somewhere lost in his thoughts. Isn’t that obvious what we must do?

“I need to see him. Now. But… I can't get up. Maybe you can make him come somehow?” I spoke looking at them, hoping that they will find a magical way to bring Victor here. Just tell him, that in this ward he will find Katsudon. Or something.

“Nop... that won’t work. He is not listening to us.” Yurio looked at the window and then back at me. Suddenly Phichit jumped. He has a plan. And I bet it’s the most stupid he could ever think of.

“I have a plan!!” As I thought. We, with Yurio, sighed at the same time. “You just wait here, I will be right back.” He quickly ran from the room and then stopped for a second. “If Seung asks about this, it’s not my idea, alright?” after saying this he just closed the door and I heard how he ran through the corridor. It’s not good.

“I don't feel good about this at all. Where is Seung-Gil and Otabek, by the way?” I looked at Yurio and he nodded, of course agreeing with me. We are all grown up man. I mean, I am thirty already and Phichit is twenty-seven, still acting like a teenager. Yurio, who was youngest among us, he was just twenty-two, was the smartest one.

“At hotel… they were staying here over the night so now they are taking a rest.” They really did that? Oh, I didn’t expect this at all. I tried to imagine them sitting in this ward looking at me sleeping or what? Chatting? Talking? No really…. “There is… something I have found. I think Victor was here while we were coming from hotel…” Yurio gave me something in my hand and I raised it to look what it is. Is this what he have picked up from the floor? It’s round… and… jeez, it’s Victor’s rings. So that’s what fell on the floor.

“He was here…” I said feeling something in my throat, Yurio didn’t stop me, he even didn’t look at me, so I let tears run down. Shit… I know it’s a temporary thing… but why it hurts so much to see them in my hand. “I thought that it was just my imagination because when I just opened my eyes I saw him… my poor baby… it must be really hard for him… I really need to see him, Yurio. I really need that.” I pressed the rings in my hand and turned my head to the side still silently crying. Why he has to suffer again…

“I know… we will think of something. It’s not like he can run away.” I heard how Yurio sighs and I tried to nod, but still, the pain in my heart was worse than the one I was feeling on my side. If I could just turn back time… I would have gone together with him into that building and waited for him until he finishes the exam. I was so stupid… why I needed to go that coffee sh-

“I am back!!” Phichit opened the door and pushed in a wheelchair in. He was wearing a white hospital gown and even surgical mask. Wha-

“Where the hell did you take them from??” Yurio moved fast to him and closed the door, Yurio quickly tried to pull out the wheelchair from Phichit hands but he didn’t let go.

“I just borrowed this. I will give it back later!” Phichit didn’t let it go, so they were fighting for it like two girls for Barbie doll. I can’t believe this…

“It’s not kindergarten! You stole this!! It’s a fucking crime! Give everything back!! Now!!” Yurio was still shouting and now they were both more or less punching each other and I was trying to think of possibilities. My wound is a not that low, it’s somewhere right next to the ribs, so nothing should happen if I sit for a bit, right? And if I reach Victor’s ward I am sure he will let me in his bed. “You fucking hamster! That’s the most stupid thing you have every made!” Yurio was still shouting at the same time shaking Phichit holding on his shoulders.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” I said it quietly but they both froze at the same time and started staring at me. Well, you are not living until you do something really crazy, right? It’s not like they will kick me out as long as I am paying for staying here, right? Phichit happily moved from Yurio and that one rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know you two.” He looked really angry but there is nothing he can do about this. “What if the pig gets worse again?" He tried to touch serious topic in order to make us think about our moves, but Phichit still came to my bed and didn’t listen to him.

“Why don’t you be more optimistic and go to the corridor to watch if someone is coming?” After Phichit words Yurio said something in Russian, some really bad word that even I never heard of, but he left. He doesn’t have a choice just support us. “Alright, Yuuri… come here.” Phichit leaned forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. Even if he was trying to lift me as gently as he could it still hurt like hell. I bit my lips because I didn’t want him to see this and I couldn't scream because someone would have heard us. I closed my eyes and pressed face to his shoulder when Phichit took me in his arms and then slowly put in the wheelchair. I was breathing fast and hard, oh my… that was so scary… I never thought that I will do something like that in my life. “Let’s see… we have to take off needle from your skin, I am not an expert in that so sorry if it hurts.” Phichit did it quickly and of course, it hurt a little bit, but nothing more. My side started hurting a lot so we have to hurry. He also disconnected something that was checking my heartbeat and then took off the blanket from the bed and covered me with it. It’s like he is stealing me… I feel like in action movie and I don’t have any idea why it’s so funny. “How are you feeling? Your face is turning pale again…” I showed with my hand that everything is alright. Victor's ward is not too far away, right? As soon as I again lay in the bed I will feel alright. Phichit pushed the wheelchair and soon after that, we were in the corridor where Yurio was standing, after seeing my face he made a facepalm.

“Just hurry up. I will stay here if someone comes. Let’s just say that you are in great shock after hearing what happened to Victor so you want to stay alone for some time. Bring him back as soon as you can.” I turned my head and Phichit showed a thumb then quickly moved the wheelchair forward.

“Try to look calm. We are lucky that Victor’s ward is on the same floor.” He leaned and whispered into my ear. I don’t look calm? How can I look calm? Jeez, if we meet one of the nurses I know… or doctor Ishikawa… maybe I should just have stayed in the bed… and… “Here we are.” That’s fast actually and we haven’t met anyone. Just lucky. “Wait I will check if he is alone.” Phichit silently opened the door and looked inside. “Okay, he is sleeping… let’s go.” He pushed the wheelchair in, then quickly closed the door. I saw Victor, he was really sleeping with his face turned into door side, so I could see every feature. He looked calm and relaxed and so beautiful. It’s impossible that he forgot me, right? How can he forget everything?

“Help me… lay next to him.” I asked when we were already next to his bed. Phichit nodded and again leaned forward and I again hugged him. I don’t know why but this time it wasn’t so bad as the first, maybe because all my thoughts now were just about Victor so I just didn’t think about my side. When I was already lying next to him, I took his face into my palms and put Victor’s head on my shoulder. It’s good that we are skinny enough to lie in the same bed.

“I will come to pick you up.” Phichit nodded and smiled to me, then left. I don’t think that I want to leave this place ever. Oh, it’s feels so good. There is no pain while I am here, really. There is nothing bad… just good things. Victor will remember, we will be alright…

“Hey… love… I am here. Everything is alright now.” I said to him and turned my head to kiss Victor’s forehead. Just from this feeling, my head started feeling dizzy. I am able to touch him for real. It’s not just my imagination. I took his hand into mine and slowly one by one put back the rings on his fingers. This is where they belong and I won’t let you take them off ever again. I kissed his forehead one more time and with one of my hands touched his face, it was warm but he really needs to shave. And his head is bandaged. Did he hit his head really hard? I want to see the wound… We were lying like this for a few minutes and actually, my heart was feeling so light that I started getting sleepy, but then he moved a little bit. Is he waking up? “Victor?” I said his name and with my fingers, I felt that he moves his head, that Victor's lips touched my fingertips. He sighed then moved his head a little bit more. There was a silence for a few seconds, but then he suddenly flinched raised his head and after seeing me he quickly jumped off the bed with a face like he just seen his worst nightmare. He pressed his back to the wall and touched his face where I touched before. “Wait. Wait… I can explain everything….” I raised my hand that he would let me speak. Where should I start? From the story how I came back to him? But I felt speechless, especially after his surprised face suddenly turned into angry one, I have never seen him like that. Not even in London. His eyes were full of hatred and face so frozen that I thought that I even can catch a cold just feeling this look on me. So Phichit wasn’t lying… he hates me so much. It’s so strange to see Victor like that, especially after a whole year of happy life together. Can I handle this look of his…? No, I can’t.

“What… are you doing here? You should have been dead by now.” I don’t know what I expected from him, but not this. That was like a knife to my heart. Not just these words but also that voice, his voice it’s empty and full of disgust as if I was just some sort of worm. My lips started trembling. I didn’t think that it will be so hard to hear this from him. Yuuri, he doesn’t remember… Yuuri… think about something good.

“But you came to me… I saw you…” I murmured so silently that it was more for myself than for him. I just have to convince myself that it’s a temporary thing. He will remember, I will make him remember. Our love is stronger than anything else. I tried to move, even just a little bit, that it would look more that I am sitting not like lying. But it was impossible. I was too weak for that. At least he got lost after my words, so after around thirty seconds of silence, I was able to lift my eyes at him again. Victor was standing next to the wall, holding on his head and this view made me want to jump from this fucking bed so much, but I just started sobbing instead. Why I am so weak when he needs me? “Victor… we did get married, remember? Come here…” my voice was trembling, even more, when he didn’t move but I saw tears in his eyes. With my broken glasses, I couldn’t see everything well, but this view was enough to squeeze my heart. “Let’s talk… don’t cry. Pleas-“

“So we will get divorced as soon as possible!” he suddenly shouted and I held my breath and covered mouth with palm. What is he saying… “And I don’t cry because of you, for God sake. I would never cry because of you! I cry because my head hurts! And this is because of you… everything is because of you….” He pressed his back against the wall harder and slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Victor was tired I could see this, he was without strengths, looking really exhausted. I should be next to him right now… I need to reach him.

“But… but we can talk. If you just liste-“

“So now you want to talk?” he didn’t shout now, but this silent talk was so much worse, Victor was looking at the floor not at me and I was holding on the blanket so hard just in order not to start crying out loud. “But where were you when everything was falling apart? Where were you when I spent all my days waiting for at least one call from you that never came? You think that one fucking letter can just end everything? Letter with no explanation without anything… what have I done to you, Yuuri? What have I done to you that you decided to hurt me so bad? It was so easy for you to leave me-"

“It wasn’t easy for me at all!!” this time I was the one who didn’t let him finish the sentence. But remembering everything that happened again.... It’s like we returned to the start, it’s like we are again just before every bullshit that finally made us grow up together. This is still a big wound in my chest and now it’s opened again.

“It was!!” he shouted back finally looking at me, and this look was burning the hole inside my chest so painfully and fast. “You, the one who thought me those two words Love and Life you took them away from me and you spit on my fucking heart! It was so easy for you! Because you just took everything and left me with nothing. WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU I am asking? What? I loved you with everything I had! I gave to you everything I had! All my life! I was ready to do anything for you!” With every of his words, I was crying louder and louder even my palm did help me to hold back. I just shook my head but I was unable to say anything to him. Stop… make him stop. Not again.

“I… I was… wrong… it… it… was a mist-“

“Hahaha, please don’t tell me “It was a mistake” you are so predictable! Mistake in my ass. You know what is a mistake? Mistake is when instead of triple Axel you do a double one. That’s a mistake. But what you have done… it’s just next level, alright? So… just go and find someone else for your mistakes. Let me be. I don’t want you in any possible way. And I don’t care what happened between us. There is no way I could ever forgive you… not after this… Let me live this year in peace. This is my last wish. So just go.” I didn’t stop him, but there were some parts that I couldn't hear because of my cries, but still it was more than enough. Now I understand that when I came back in 2021 Victor somehow forgave me so easily for everything… he had time to think about this, but here… here the wound of his is still so fresh and it hurts for him. I never thought that I have hurt him that badly. But I can’t leave… I won’t leave. I belong just with him.

“You… are not…. Dying… We… we did… a…surgery in… the end of… two thousand… and first….” Somehow I said these words because there is no way I could protect myself. He was right about everything, just the difference was that hearing this after all beautiful things that happened to us was too painful. And even now… I can’t leave because I have promised… on that day… I promised to stay by his side forever, to love him and help him and share tears and… everything.

“That’s a good one. Wait wait, I know what you will say next, I removed the scar with a laser. I would laugh myself to death if I could remember how to laugh. But because of you, I can’t! Why you just can’t stop fucking lying…” he sighed and stood up from the floor, Victor took a deep breath. He looked through the window and I was still sobbing and even choking so much. How can I fix this? How… He doesn’t believe in anything I say... he wouldn’t believe even if I say that the sun rises in the east. “The worst is that I believed you so much… and because of that those wounds I have now will never heal. I wish that you would have just left taking away memories with you… and I tried so hard to tell myself that you are gone… that you are not coming back… but you are here… saying that warm bullshit again. Are you making fun of me? It’s funny to you?” He suddenly looked right at me and I started shaking my head so fast that it even hurt. Victor stepped forward and raised his hand. Will he hit me? Oh my God… he… he would never… I closed my eyes from fear but nothing happened. When I again slowly opened them, Victor was still standing next to the bed but now holding a glass in his hand, it was standing next to the bed before. “If your dumb brains don’t get it, I can illustrate what you have done. Imagine… this was my heart…” he looked at the glass and at the moment I froze. Was his heart? It was a dead silence for a second then he threw it at the wall so suddenly that I even couldn’t hold my scream when a thin glass broke into thousands of small pieces that nobody will be able to collect again. “Yeah… and the sound was almost the same.” Victor stepped towards the door and I understood that it’s my last chance because if I let him now, I won’t be able to find all pieces back.

“WAIT!!!” He stopped and tried to get back last strengths I had. “Can… can I ask you one thing?” he suddenly turned around and opened his mouth like he can’t believe how could I ever say this to him. It was hard for him to believe that after everything that I have done I still can ask for more. But I had to tell this and I hope he will listen, just this once. He didn’t answer anything just stared. “Kiss me. Just once. And if… if you don’t feel anything then… I will admit that you don’t have feelings for me.” I don’t know how I made my voice this strong, but it has to work… if I make him kiss me, all feeling will come back. I know… I feel it.

“Are… you out of your mind? Just… I am done. I am so done.” He took off his rings, and I already thought that he didn’t notice that I put them back on. “I should have known from the start… that you will just play with my heart. You wanted to say goodbye for me? So guess what? I am doing what you want now. And for every time I believed you.... for every time I believed in every lie that you told me… and for every night that I cried for you… I just can say one: Karma got you good, Katsuki. You got what you deserve. And take these back, sell them and buy some toy that you can break over and over again.” I knew what he will do and still, when Victor threw those rings at me I couldn’t stop myself from flinching, my body started trembling so badly when they hit me and fell on the bed. My God… I think…. My heart is stopping… Victor…. Why… this is happening? He opened the door and there was Phichit standing with opened mouth. “Show is over, now take back him from here and ask the nurse to change sheets.” Victor walked through the Phichit and turned around the corner. Phichit lifted his eyes at me.

“Yuuri… I don’t… know what to say.” I shook my head, there is nothing to say more.

“Just… leave… me... for a few minutes alone… just for a few minutes…” I asked and covered my face with palms again letting my voice out. Those five percent I had just turned into minus five. I heard how Phichit closes the door. Victor… what have I done?

 

 


	10. OTHER. Phichit's fanfiction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ THE NOTES. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
> 
> Hey!!!!
> 
> First, it's not what you think... really. This fic is not funny at all. Because Phichit is really serious about his favorite ship and as the king of this fandom he must write serious things. So... this story is not funny. But I hope it will warm your heart after all these horrible chapters before. Actually, if you are waiting for funny chapter then sorry, this chapter is not for you TT_TT Just wait for the chapter of the main story then ;3
> 
> Another thing... WTF 13k words!!! You understand why I was writing this long?
> 
> And I am sorry in advance if there will be more mistakes than usually because I really want to sleep and I don't have strengths to read everything again TT_TT I will read it another day TT_TT
> 
> For those who will read... just thank you. Really.
> 
> I am even thinking about posting this chapter as separated work. Still, don't know tho.
> 
> oh, and chapter 51 comes on Sunday/Monday's night
> 
> See you soon,  
> love you all,  
> Vitavli <3

Author: Lord_Phichit (owner)  
Published: **2021, November 30.**  
Characters: Victor Nikiforov, Yuuri Katsuki, Otabek Altin, Yurio Plisetsky, Phichit Chulanont, Makkachin, OC.  
Tags: AU; Vampire AU; Master/Servant AU; Master; Servant.

* * *

 

**Until the dawn**

* * *

In this world, pureblood vampires don’t have a lot of laws… but there is one that no one hasn't broken for almost IX centuries.

 

If dying human drinks pureblood’s vampire’s blood, they become connected for a lifetime. From that moment when that blood touches human’s lips, there is no way back.

 

1) This will turn him into Zero (half human; half vampire);

2) He will have to drink pureblood’s blood regularly;

3) Pureblood’s vampire’s soul will always belong to that Zero;

For over than IX centuries this connection between human and vampire is strictly forbidden. Human is just a toy. Human is a servant. Human is just a blood bank.

 

There is no love between vampire and human.

Love is weakness and vampires are above that.

 

 

 

Actually, everyone forgot about this law because today everything is different. Humans are almost instinct, vampires are drinking synthetic blood which was invented by scientists about two centuries ago. There just around 100 pureblood vampires left and they are the only ones who gets to taste real human’s blood. There are few towns where humans are still living in, they have to donate blood every four months and for that, they get food, job, clothes… actually, everything they need. We can almost say that those humans that are leaving really well. Most of them have good houses and families they are living in peace. There are also the chosen ones which are grown exactly for one reason – to serve for purebloods. All their life they learn how to be a good servant and then when the time comes, their Masters comes to pick them up. Those who have heard about it says that servants usually have really wonderful life, living in big castles and having around everything they need. But just true servants knows the price they have pay to for this luxury. When they turn 30 years old, servants can go back to their families. Some of them choose to go back, some of them stay to live in the castle. But those who come back never talks about their life with purebloods, girls or boys it doesn’t matter, they all have some kind of secret that they can’t tell. So nobody actually knows what’s happening. And nobody knows how chosen ones are picked.

 

Yuuri wasn’t a chosen one. He was the simplest 23 year old man of all. He was living with his family in a house far away from the city center and his parents were in charge of hot springs. Yuuri really loved his family and he was kind of happy about his life, it was peaceful and calm most of the time. To be honest, the only thing he didn’t like was blood donations, it always made him anxious, but he knew that it’s a part of this life and there is nothing to be done. Well, he always thought that it’s better to give your blood than to be a servant. Actually, his town was small so they didn’t have a lot of servants, there were some chosen ones but usually, nobody came here to pick them. If until the age of 24 no one comes to pick the chosen one he/she can start living a normal life with their family. From this town, Yuuri knew just one boy who was picked and it was about 4 or 5 years ago. Soooo… purebloods don’t like small towns.

 

“I heard that tomorrow he is coming in this town to pick a servant….” Yuuri just entered the hot springs carrying clean towels when he heard two boys speaking.

 

“Who he? Don’t tell me… that those gossips are true….”

 

“Yes… Victor Nikiforov is coming to our town. Can you even-“

 

After hearing this all towels fell from Yuuri’s hands. Victor? Is Victor coming here to pick a servant for himself? Victor Nikiforov has the oldest bloodline of all, he was a walking legend, for Yuuri he was a God. And not because he was a pureblood. Victor was so much more… since Yuuri was a little boy he heard stories about this strong vampire who has the kindest heart of all. Just because of Victor humans still exists and has such a great life, he was protecting everyone and his word in this world was the last. But not just that… some of the purebloods had abilities and Victor was one of them. He was able to control ice. Not just control it, but also create it with his hands. Yuuri saw on television and in the newspaper that this pureblood also has blue eyes and they were like ice, so captivating… that gaze even through the screen was able to make him blush so hard. Yuuri knew about him almost everything, he even had some posters under his bed. Victor loved skating… and he was amazing in this. His jumps were so high and so beautiful, he was living through every emotion with his every move. Yuuri fell in love with this pureblood vampire already long ago, but he wasn’t the only one. It’s impossible not to love Victor even if Yuuri knew that vampires can’t really love because they don’t have such feeling. But sometimes while watching Victor Yuuri could feel that this pureblood is different. Victor, of course, was looking like a perfect model or God, but he actually was so much older than Yuuri… and he never had a servant before. He never had a wife or children just little brother. But now…. Now he decided to pick one? Here? Why? Why now? And why… Does it hurt a little bit? It was the first time in Yuuri’s life when he was really sad that he is not a chosen one. Not because he would like to live in the castle, but just to see Victor… one time… for real, would be enough. After hearing those boys talking Yuuri ran to his room and closed the door. If not that blood donation he has tomorrow he would lock himself up for a week.

 

When next morning his sister knocked on the door, Yuuri didn’t have another choice just to come out. All the way to the city center he was feeling more and more nervous, actually he didn’t have any idea when Victor is coming today so maybe they won’t meet, but still just thinking that Victor will be walking here made Yuuri so anxious, that he had to hide his trembling hands in coat pockets because de didn’t want her to see it.

 

“What gotten into you, today? You look like you have seen a ghost or something.” She finally asked when they entered the blood bank center. It’s only Yuuri and his sister who had to give blood now because their parents already turned 50 so they didn’t have to do it anymore.

 

“Victor is coming here….” He murmured silently and sister raised her brow, she knew well Yuuri’s feeling towards this pureblood vampire. After hearing this she sighed and nodded few times, she may have guessed already.

 

“It’s not like his coming to our place or someth-“ they both froze when they entered the big hallway, there were a standing five people three girls and two boys, all of them around 18 years old. The chosen ones… it was visible right away, they all were wearing really good and expensive clothes and all had that expression in their face... like confidence… it’s the main thing you should have to be a good servant. And this is the main thing that Yuuri didn’t have. They were standing in line, waiting for somebody and Yuuri with his sister somehow couldn’t move further, they had to go to the stairs, but for that, they need to cross all the hallway and this strange silence didn’t let him do that, so they somehow were standing next to the chosen ones. They could be a part of them, but actually, they were so different, even from their faces.

 

“Let’s go… we will come later.” sister grabbed Yuuri’s hand, but it was already too late. Yuuri heard that voice and he wasn’t able to do anything just stare at that side where it was coming from.

 

“Do I really have to pick one? I was living quite well without a servant until now. We were traveling all around searching for something tha-“ this voice reached Yuuri’s ears and his heart in chest started beating so fast. He can’t move right now… just one second and he will see him, at last. For real.

 

“Oh, come on, Vitya. Just pick one. You see how much your brother has changed after getting a servant?” another voice spoke and Yuuri heard him before. It was Christophe Giacometti, not a pureblood, but he was the best friends with Victor already for a long time.

 

“Why we are talking about Yurio again? Aaaaaaaah, you are all just crazy…” Yuuri never thought that Victor can speak so casually, when he was talking in television he always had that confidence and he was sure about his words, but somehow Yuuri felt that now Victor is feeling really lost.

 

And finally, they came out. If Yuuri’s heart was beating like crazy before so now it froze at the same time after seeing Victor for the first time alive. Looking at his photos or on television, Yuuri always thought that he is perfect in every way, but… obviously, he was blind because Victor in real life was just something unexplainable breathtaking. Everything from his silver hair until stretched back was more like from a fairytale, not a real life. Yuuri just couldn’t look down, even if he knew that looking straight at pureblood’s eyes is a totally forbidden thing and it’s almost impossible to look at them because usually, their gaze is just too strong for humans. Victor looked at the line with all those people stopping at each for a few second. All chosen ones bowed for him and Christopher who was going right next to Victor was speaking about all of them non-stop, saying why Victor should pick one or another. Victor was standing almost for one minute in front of one girl and Christophe was already shouting something like “Finally”, but then he suddenly moved and Yuuri understood that Victor was just teasing his friend. Yuuri and his sister weren’t the chosen ones, but both vampires still came to them, Yuuri’s sister bowed to Victor when he looked at her, but Yuuri didn’t. Even when Victor stopped right in front of him he still was looking right into his eyes. This color of the sky… or of the ice…. It was so amazing and his face is so close now, every perfect feature of his was reachable with a hand.

 

“How dare he to stare like this…” Chris opened his mouth from astonishment, but he wasn’t angry just really surprised. Yuuri also didn’t know how he does that, just… something in his heart gave this feeling that he can’t let his eyes down. Especially when Victor slowly raised his hand and touched Yuuri’s chin, the boy started blushing right away, Victor's hands were cold but at the same moment so soft, the heat from the spot where Victor touched was going down. After about one minute of real eye contact even Yuuri couldn’t bare it, he felt tears in his eyes and he quickly moved his head down. Victor let down his hand looking how Yuuri is breathing fast, his mouth covered with palm.

 

“I want him.” He said and looked at the manager, all the time he was standing right behind vampires, but invisible for others. Because how can you see a human when there is a vampire standing in front of you?

 

“I am… sorry… but he is not a chosen one.” The manager started murmuring something, looking at papers, his hands were trembling. Like it was said before it’s rare for pureblood to come in this town, for this manager it was the first time. Victor didn’t answer anything to him, but Chris sighed.

 

“Are you deaf? Victor said that he wants this one, who cares he is a chosen one or not. Prepare the papers.” After hearing this manager starting nodding really fast and quickly walked from the hallway. At that time Victor leaned forward to Yuuri, who was still standing there looking down trying to calm down his heart. This mission became impossible when he felt cold lips on his ear.

 

“Go home and pack your things… I will come to get you in an hour.” His silent voice sweet was like an order to Yuuri. The order that he can’t disobey. It’s impossible to do this, even if you don’t want to listen and you don’t want to hear, a pureblood’s orders are supreme. Then Victor walked away together with Chris and everyone here looked at Yuuri with the same look. Either he is really lucky, either he doesn't have luck at all.

 

Yuuri doesn’t remember clearly how he got back home or how he packed all his things. He wasn’t really thinking, just following the order, his heart and his mind were still in that hallway together with Victor it was too hard to believe that everything has turned this way. He wasn’t a chosen one, but he was picked by the most powerful vampire of all and that will be a huge scandal, Yuuri was sure about that. But it’s Victor Nikiforov… he always does what he wants. And now he chose Yuuri for some unknown reason. Why? Is it because Yuuri couldn’t take eyes down from this pureblood? Actually, for this action he could have even be imprisoned... but instead of this, he was awarded. Yuuri’s mother was crying in a hallway and father tried not to show any emotions it will be hard for them because Yuuri was helping a lot in hot springs and now his sister will have to do all the work. As for her, after they came back from blood bank she told everything to parents but didn’t say a word to Yuuri. She was a little bit mad, that Yuuri just didn’t go with her back and now this happened.

 

“What a nice place! We will definitely come here sometime!” Four of them heard the voice next to the door, but it wasn’t the voice that Yuuri waited for. It was Christophe looking around as it was the first time he sees hot springs. “Yuuri, let’s go.” When hearing this Yuuri’s mother started crying even more, Christophe looked at her and sighed, he had a little bit more feelings than pureblood vampires because his bloodline was mixed with the human race. “Don’t worry, Yuuri will visit you, maybe not every week because it’s a long way, but…” After hearing this everyone just froze. That’s something new, since when they let servants come back home to visit their families? It seems that Yuuri will learn a lot of new things there. After saying goodbye for now to his family, Yuuri sat in the car.

 

“Where is Victor?” it was actually his first words and they made Christophe open his mouth again. This kid is just full of surprises. But Chris already warned Victor that he will have trouble with Yuuri. Yuuri wasn’t raised to be a servant… he doesn’t know anything of all.

 

“First of all, for you, it’s Master not Victor.” When Yuuri suddenly blushed after that and turned his head down, Christophe finally saw that obedience he wanted to see, maybe it’s not that bad after all. “Second, don’t ever ask where he is or what he is doing. It’s none of your business, when he needs you, you will be called. Until then you are free to do what you want. The only thing, that you can’t leave the castle. God… there are so many things you don’t know… It’s good that Victor’s brother also has a servant, he will teach you some things.” Christophe yawned and closed his eyes. It was still morning, so usually, at this time vampires are going to sleep. For vampire the day is the night, so that means that Yuuri will also have to start living like this.

 

“Is Vic- Master will be waiting at home?” Yuuri asked again because now when they finally left the city he suddenly thought that he has thousands of questions. And main of them was, where Victor location… or Master… it doesn’t matter how you call him. But the fact that he is not here was sad.

 

“I said… no questions.” Even if Christophe is not a pureblood, still his voice made Yuuri shut up completely. He was left there with million questions with no answers and without Victor.

 

 

 

The house was really far away, after traveling by car they had to take a plane and Yuuri just lost how many hours they were going. Few times they gave him something to eat and that was really delicious, not something that you can get every day. But it’s normal that he is getting a little bit anxious, right? Just this morning (or not even this already) they took him from home and now he is flying in totally unknown place to be a servant of Victor Nikiforov who is not actually here with him, and Yuuri even didn’t have a clue what it means to be a servant. Like… bringing him breakfast or helping to take a bath? It was a trip full of silence, but after finally the plane landed and they again sat in the car Yuuri saw a city that he has never seen before. It was amazing, with huge skyscrapers and lots of lights, so stunning. As it was night time city was full of people, full of life. It was a vampire city, the big one that humans will never have. Even if Yuuri haven’t slept at all he just couldn’t feel sleepy after seeing this. Maybe he can go far walk here one day? Maybe his house is in the center? But they just passed through and entered dark woods, since it was too dark for Yuuri’s eyes for more than an hour he couldn’t see almost anything just shadows when suddenly he saw bright lights in front of him. It was a huge house… almost like a castle, he just has seen this in books, not in real life. The lights were everywhere not just on enormous gates but also illuminating a huge garden, everything was so beautiful that Yuuri could just stare with opened mouth. He even didn’t feel when they stopped. Someone opened the door for Christophe and then for Yuuri, he got out and saw a man in front of him. It was a butler. Usually, there are a lot of butlers and maids in the pureblood's house they help to look after everything, it’s not a servant’s work. Yuuri didn’t have a clue what servants are doing. Butler took his luggage out of the trunk and Yuuri followed Christophe who climbed the stairs and entered the building when another butler has opened the door for him.

 

“Oh, here it is. Good job, I brought you a newbie here. He wasn’t raised as a servant so he doesn’t have clue what to do. You will have to help him. I am sooooo tired, it’s the middle of the day, but I will just take a nap.” Christophe started speaking with someone, but Yuuri didn’t saw with whom because at that moment he was looking around with wide eyes, trying to convince himself that what he is seeing is a real thing. How much did they pay for this? It’s just….

 

“I understand, I will do my best.” That voice answered and just then Yuuri recognized it. It just can’t be true. He quickly looked at the man in front of him. Christophe was already gone somewhere.

 

“Otabek???” This day is just full of surprises. Remember about that chosen one from Yuuri’s city which was picked 4 or 5 years ago? So yes, it was Otabek. It’s just… incredible. Yuuri went together with him to school, he thought that he will never see Otabek again. And here he is. Actually, different. He has matured a lot and also he wasn’t wearing a costume like butlers or maids, he was with casual clothes. Like he would be one of them…

 

“Yuuri… that’s a surprise.” His face wasn’t surprised at all. “I never thought that I will meet you here again. Follow me… Albert already has taken your luggage to your room.” Every second Yuuri was getting more and more questions about everything, but he just doesn’t know where to start.

 

“Who is Albert? And where am I? What are you doing here?” Otabek is not a vampire, he can’t shut up Yuuri. So he has to ask every question which was bothering him from the start. Now they were in some sort of corridor and they already have turned at least three times. Yuuri started thinking that he will never find the way out from here.

 

“Albert is the main butler here. And I am a servant, like you from now on.” At least he answered two questions from three, but it’s still not enough. Otabek suddenly stopped in front of the door and opened it, then turned on the light. “This will be your room. Victor’s room is on the second floor.” Yuuri entered the room and still after seeing that everything here is just mind blowing he couldn’t believe that this room is like 7 times bigger than the one he had at home. His luggage was already here, standing next to the king size bed. That’s really just too much space.

 

“Why… you can call him Victor and I have to call him Master?” of course this question it’s not the main one, but after hearing how Otabek speaks about Victor, Yuuri just had to ask. His head started feeling dizzy after everything and after this long trip.

 

“Because he is your Master, not mine. Usually, butlers and maids call him by the last name, but there are some who can call him Victor. I am one of them.” When he explained it sounded logic, so the closest people can call him by name. Will he let Yuuri do that? “I have to go now, tomorrow after the breakfast I will explain to you everything you need to know. Actually, it’s not that hard. Don’t worry.” Otabek gave a little smile for Yuuri and then closed the door.

 

“I was searching for you! Where have you been?” the strong voice Yuuri suddenly heard behind the door was unknown.

 

“I am sorry, Master. I just showed Victor’s servant his room.” He answered and Yuuri froze. It’s Otabek's Master… he started wondering how he looks like. But Yuuri understood this faster than he heard again that strong voice. Oh my…

 

“My big brother is going insane. He picked that pig who is not even a servant… whatever, it’s his problem now. Come here…” after this, they walked away but Yuuri still was frozen. It’s Victor’s little brother Yurio. Everyone knew that actually Yurio’s and Victor’s mother is not the same, but they were still close and even living together. Otabek…

 

Even after he unpacked his luggage, took a shower (the bathroom was amazing) and went to the bed, Yuuri couldn’t fall asleep. His eyes were heavy and he felt sleepy yet there was still so many things that he didn’t know about. And where is Victor, why he didn’t come as he said that he will? Poor Yuuri just couldn’t find peace in this place so far away from home, he felt cold, sad and lonely.

 

Somehow he was able to fall asleep in the end, but still, when next morning Otabek came to wake him up, Yuuri was feeling half dead. It was already evening again, so he has slept all the night and day, must have been because of the time zones. It’s still hard to believe that night from now on will be the day, will he ever sees the sun again? Otabek opened heavy curtains and just then Yuuri saw that there is a huge window in his room. Other servant started explaining things right away, first of all about the clothes, that they can be casual, but they have to be expressive because servant also represents his master. As Yuuri’s master was Victor, he has to think a lot about what he wears, then he was talking about food, that Yuuri must eat and drink just healthy things, also about sports that body also must be in shape, Otabek showed around, showed where the kitchen is where Yuuri can get food, there was working super sweet chief Phichit with his assistant Seung-Gil, Yuuri thought right away that they can become friends, after seeing where Victor’s room is they walked into the garden and Otabek explained simple rules, like... Yuuri always has to come when Victor asks, he can't go to the city without Victor knowing this and a lot of other things after which Yuuri still couldn’t understand what’s the real reason why he is here. It sounded like he will be like a pet… or maybe a friend but with a lot of limits. Like for example, Master always has to know where he is, but he can’t ask Master about his plans? Why?

 

“Why they need servants...? What’s the real purpose?” Yuuri finally asked the main question, the secret that only servant can know and nobody else. Finally… after everything, he will hear the answer. Otabek raised his brow and then slowly unbuttoned the first button of the shirt and showed Yuuri his neck.

 

“For blood, of course.” Yuuri covered his mouth when he saw the bit mark left by vampire's fangs on Otabek’s neck. What the hell? That’s the real reason why they need servants? Do they need fresh blood? Walking blood bank?? I mean/// That’s the reason why they are donating blood regularly and it’s still not enough? They still want more and this time they are even torturing people? It’s just so sick…. That’s the reason why Victor didn’t want to have a servant before, right? But he saw Yuuri… and now… what will happen now?

 

“You can't run away… he already chose you. So just deal with it.” Otabek hid the mark and sighed. “Listen… there is not just this… but it’s something that I can't explain with words. From that moment when Master chose you… you can’t live without him. One day you will beg for him to drink your blood.” Yuuri couldn’t believe what Otabek is saying. What can he explain in words? That vampires can manipulate people? Yuuri knew himself that he can’t run away, but now he wasn’t sure if he wants to see Victor. So that what it was all about… blood. Did Victor liked his smell or what? Yuuri ran back to the house and he saw a blond man with green eyes, it’s Yurio, Yuuri has seen him on television few times. He must be searching for Otabek again, he wanted to say something but Yuuri didn’t give him a chance.

 

One week passed and nothing happened, Otabek time to time was teaching Yuuri how to act in front of the Master, few times Yuuri even saw how Otabek is acting next to Yurio. Somehow Otabek was feeling really free next to him and for one moment Yuuri even thought that they look like lovers, but he knew that it’s impossible. Vampires don’t love humans, they don’t love at all. Most of the time Yuuri was spending in the kitchen together with Phichit who was a really funny guy, it’s hard to say the same about Seung-Gil, but at least he didn’t hate Yuuri. Just here Yuuri tried everything that he never thought that he will eat in his life and everything made by this chief was really delicious. Phichit loved talking and they both could chat about everything, Yuuri actually started feeling pretty good here, but he was still thinking about Victor most of the time. But as life was going here calm he felt relaxed. Until that day when two weeks after his arrival here Albert entered the kitchen.

 

“Yuuri, Victor is asking you to come.” At the time Yuuri was helping Phichit to cook dinner and after these words, he froze holding a potato in his hand. Oh. So this day came. Somehow now it feels too fast. But he doesn’t have a choice, does he? Yuuri looked at his new friends and then washed his hands and started walking, somehow his legs felt so heavy but he knew where Victor’s room is really well, that he could even reach it with his eyes closed. Yuuri took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

 

 

“Come in, Yuuri.” The sweet voice answered and for the first time, he entered Victor’s room. As he imagined it was just simply royal, everything including the bed which was two times bigger than his and that huge window from where you could see the whole garden. As it was around 2 a.m. the middle of the day (or night) Yuuri could see how lights are playing with the shadows in the garden.

 

“Master.” He bowed to Victor after closing the door and just after the first word he is already feeling nervous, his heart was jumping in his chest so hard. When he looked at Victor again, Yuuri couldn’t understand why he was looking so sad, as he was disappointed about something. But he didn’t do anything wrong, right? Suddenly Yuuri saw a big poodle, he was behind the bed, so that's why before Yuuri couldn’t see him. The big and beautiful dog ran to greet him. Otabek never said anything about dogs, can Yuuri rub his head? Well, Yuuri just couldn’t hold back, so he did it that way making poodle super happy, he tried to jump on Yuuri.

 

“That’s strange… Usually, Makkachin doesn’t like new people too much.” Victor spoke but he didn’t seem mad, actually, he was smiling looking how his dog is happy about the servant. But Yuuri is not because of that. Should he take off his shirt or give him a wrist or what. Victor came closer, now he was standing just and inch from Yuuri. “Don’t lower your head… look me in the eyes, like you did when we first met.” What? It’s not what Otabek told him to do. Yuuri saw that Otabek is always looking at Yurio's eyes, but he told that servants can’t do that. But Victor asked and Yuuri, of course, did it. It feels so good to see this blue sky again, it’s so bright… After seeing this Yuuri’s anxiety was gone. It doesn't matter what Victor will ask him to do, even if he wants to drink all Yuuri’s blood. It’s alright… but not because Victor is his Master, but because Yuuri really loved him. How could he start feeling doubts about that? He loved him from the first time he saw Victor on television. And everyone can say that it’s a nonsense, but Yuuri knows the truth it was a real love. Only Yuuri could see that Victor is not just a simple vampire. “Will you read a book for me?” Yuuri was actually getting ready to ask the question about drinking blood but this question almost made him start laughing.

 

“Wha-“

 

“Book. Will you?” Victor stepped back and sat on the couch. Next to it, there was a bunch of books. That’s a strange request. But of course… he will read it. Yuuri walked and sat next to Victor, he gave him the first book from the top and Yuuri opened it.

 

“So… I just have to read it out loud?” he asked just making sure that he didn’t misunderstand the order. Maybe there was a secret meaning of this. But after Victor nodded Yuuri just started reading, it was a bit embarrassing at first, but then the story got really interesting so he just started enjoying it. After a few chapters, Yuuri suddenly stopped when Victor laid his head on Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri started feeling how his face on that side is burning.

 

“Ma-master…?” Yuuri asked, but Victor just showed with his hand to continue reading. Poodle also was lying next to the couch and it could really look like a cute family portrait. Yuuri didn’t know how many hours he was sitting like this reading a book for his God, still in his heart feeling like everything here it’s just a wonderful dream.

 

“Vitya! Did you ask about the cat??!!” Somebody opened the door not even bothering to knock first. It was Yurio standing there and poor Yuuri after seeing this flinched ad book fell on the ground. Behind him, Otabek was standing. Victor lazily lifted his head from Yuuri’s shoulder and sighed not paying too much attention to his little brother right now, he leaned forward and touched Yuuri ear with his lips. Like the first time.

 

“Come again tomorrow after the breakfast… please.” It wasn’t an order it was a request and Yuuri nodded, he also wanted to come here again. Or even not to leave, but Yurio was still standing with eyes pointed at his brother so Yuuri just quickly picked up the book, bowed for Victor and ran out. Just after few moments, he saw that poodle also came with him.

“Oh… Makkachin, go back to Victor.” He said his name because here nobody could hear him anyway, but Makka didn’t listen, he followed Yuuri back to his room as he wanted to make sure that he will come back safe and then turned around. That’s a really cute dog… That night was the first when Yuuri went to sleep not just thinking about Victor but also feeling his lips. His ear was heating.

 

Yuuri’s love started growing up even faster and faster every day. There is no way he could possibly stop it. Life with Victor was like a huge roller-coaster of emotions and all of them were somehow connected to happiness. After few days of reading a book for him, Victor already laid his head on Yuuri’s lap and he was able to touch those silver hair, at first he got scared that Victor will push him away, but no, he just closed those pure eyes and smiled. Victor’s smile was magical indeed, he was smiling for Yuuri all the time even when he was looking tired, but Yuuri wasn’t so brave to ask why sometimes he comes back home after few days with those sad eyes and no matter what, they are always shining after seeing his servant. Victor was mysterious and intimidating but at the same time so kind and warm, even if he had a power of controlling ice but he wasn’t like it at all. Victor was shining sunny type, but Yuuri didn’t have an idea. Is Victor like this just next to Yuuri or in front of everyone? When Victor was at home they were always together, most of the time just talking while walking in the garden, one time Victor even asked Yuuri to tell about human life, he was quite interested because he grew up and lived among vampires so he never imagined how life out there is. Yuuri told him and the only thing that really surprised Victor was that humans are able to feel so many emotions at the same time. But when he asked what Yuuri is feeling right now, the boy wasn’t able to answer clearly and thank you God that moment somebody called for Victor. Saved. How can he tell him? It’s impossible, it’s forbidden Victor wouldn’t understand – that what scared Yuuri the most. Victor also loved to watch how Yuuri is eating, as a pureblood vampire he wasn’t eating human food at all and actually… he never asked to drink Yuuri’s blood. Maybe it’s not good enough for him? Maybe the chosen ones have some rare blood types or something… these question was disturbing Yuuri so much, but at the same time, he couldn’t understand why he is thinking about this, after all, in the first place Yuuri didn’t want to be a walking blood bank for Victor. But if he would have asked… of course… that’s not even a question. The heart is beating so fast when you are in love, that’s what was happening to Yuuri… that blushing in front of Victor didn’t stop even after one month. And the anxiety inside of him was getting stronger: if it’s not because of blood then how long Victor will keep him? Until he will get bored? He said that he never needed a servant before. So then why? Usually, Yuuri wasn’t thinking about this because he didn’t have time for similar thoughts… but when Victor was away for some reasons he couldn’t stop thinking. Just Makkachin was able to calm him down. When Victor was away Makka loved sleeping at Yuuri’s room. So the time was going sometimes really fast (when he was with Victor) but sometimes really slow. And today it was the day when it was slow like never before… Victor was gone already for a few days and Yuuri was even counting the hours. He didn’t know when Victor comes back… but he misses that man with every inch of his body.

 

 

“Vitya… I can’t believe that you were so reckless…” Yuuri was in the hallway just after a walk with Makkachin when suddenly Albert opened the door and Victor came in together with Chris. Yuuri didn’t expect this because it was around 10 a.m. the time when they are going to sleep, usually Victor comes back at the daytime.

 

“I am alright… it’s nothing.” Yuuri saw him and those words he heard from Chris made him look at Victor so closely. Victor was holding on his right side and Yuuri saw blood. At that moment he just almost fell from the stairs. It’s almost impossible to hurt a pureblood vampire… who was able to do that? How?

 

“Master!!” Yuuri jumped down and ran right into Victor, Victor caught him with his free arm. Yuuri hugged him really hard like always after seeing him, but it was the first time when Victor kissed his hair. The kiss was quick and almost invisible but it was real, Yuuri felt it. He wanted to ask so much what happened… but he can’t ask questions… he can’t.

 

“You see Victor, it’s good that someone is waiting for you. Now let’s get you to bed I will call Amara to help you.” Chris sighed and looked around searching for at least one maid, but Victor shook his head and took one of Yuuri’s hands into his.

 

“Yuuri will help me. Goodnight.” He left Chris with a surprised face and they together went to Victor’s bedroom. Yuuri had to bit his lip so hard in order not to start asking questions or shouting. He wanted to take off Victor’s clothes as fast as he can, to see how bad he is hurt. He was so worried that Yuuri not even though how he will react after seeing Victor’s naked body for the first time. Everything was alright at first, they went to the bathroom, then Yuuri helped Victor to take off the coat, but when Yuuri started unbuttoning Victor’s shirt he saw that his hands are trembling so much. Victor had such a perfect skin and those abs… really. Really? Yuuri blushed so hard when Victor took off the shirt and his cute servant got a full view of that body. “You see, it’s just a scratch.” To be honest, until Victor spoke about the wound Yuuri was still staring at those abs, but he just woke up and now gave a full attention to that bloody place. He is right… oh, thank you God. It wasn’t bleeding anymore, purebloods wounds heal really quickly, but Yuuri thought that it should have been fully healed by now… that means that Victor is thirsty. Really, his face was a little bit more pale than always. Yuuri helped him to clean the blood from the skin and after Victor went to the bedroom he picked up dirty clothes, he will bring them for cleaning. When Yuuri entered the bedroom Victor was already lying in bed, as his pants and underwear were lying on the ground Yuuri understood that under that blanket he is fully naked. Oh my… Yuuri has never stayed at Victor’s bedroom for so long, he always goes back to his room around 8 a.m.

 

“Good-nig-ht, Master…” he whispered before leaving, trying to hide his red face by lowering head, but Victor's eyes were just too good.

 

“Drop those clothes and come here…” Yuuri did that right away, he climbed on the bed and kneeled next to the Victor. Really… why this bed must be so big… “Stay with me for a bit…” when Victor asked. it sounded like a really innocent request but for Yuuri who was totally in love with this man, it was just too much. But he listened, after laying next to Victor he sighed, his face was so close. Yuuri turned his head for a bit and he was able to count Victor's eyelashes. Victor was lying with closed eyes, beautiful like never. And his lips were a little bit opened, Yuuri has never watched him from so close before so it was the first time he saw Victor’s fangs. Are they real? Are they sharp? What is the feeling when they are under the skin? Yuuri leaned a little bit forward because he suddenly became so interested in seeing them and at the same moment Victor opened his eyes.

 

“You have never drunk my blood…” that wasn’t a question it was a fact and Yuuri didn’t plan to say this, but this sentence just slipped out from his mouth. Their eyes met and for one second Yuuri got scared that Victor will push him away, but he just softly smiled.

 

”You want that?” he asked and that was really strange because Yuuri was told that his opinion doesn’t have any power here.

 

“Who cares?” Yuuri answered silently, but somehow he started feeling twitching inside his throat.

 

“I do. I care what you want.” Victor’s voice made Yuuri want to say so much what he feels towards this vampire. Because it’s like… his God just said that he cares about Yuuri… he really cares. But Yuuri can’t. He can’t ask him anything, he doesn’t know real Victor at all. Yuuri can’t help him, but he… only he can make Victor feel better.

 

“And… and I care about you.” It was hard for him to speak because their faces were so close to each other, Yuuri’s lips were almost touching Victor’s cheek. If only he could lean a little bit forward and kiss it. “I am… useless to you… I can’t protect you… and I don’t know anything about you. But you chose me, right? And I am here for you… and you are thirsty… so… ple-se…Master… let me help you.” Once he started speaking words just came out and even if Yuuri didn’t say what he really feels, his voice was more than enough. If only Victor could feel this. But Otabek was right about one thing… now Yuuri is begging, begging for Victor to drink his blood.

 

Victor was listening in silence and his eyes were running through Yuuri’s face, he was trying to figure out if the boy is saying the truth or it’s because he can’t resist those charms of the purebloods. Victor never drank Yuuri’s blood not because he didn’t want to do that, he just didn't want to cause him pain. From that second when their eyes met in the blood bank hallway Victor wanted to protect Yuuri so much, he wanted to be by this human's side and that feeling was new for Victor, he has never felt it before and he didn’t know what that means. But from that moment he can’t imagine his day without Yuuri around, he is always trying to get back home as soon as he can, in order to be with Yuuri. And because of that he even got hurt this time… like Chris said, Victor was really reckless. But he never thought that after almost two hundred years of his life in that small city he will find someone like Yuuri. Someone who will make him feel what he never felt before. This boy doesn’t know what he is talking about… Yuuri is not useless… even if he is not strong, but he already does everything for Victor, just being with Yuuri is enough for him. But it’s true… he doesn’t know anything about Victor, it’s like he is afraid to ask. First Victor was sure that Yuuri will be different because he wasn’t raised to be servant… but it seems that Yuuri learns really fast and that’s a little bit sad. That’s right, Victor chose him… but not for his blood. Usually, the chosen one are picked by their blood type, they need to have a rare one but Yuuri had A… so it’s nothing special. That was a proof that Victor doesn’t care about his blood. Another truth, indeed Victor is really thirsty he hasn't drunk blood for almost a week and now Yuuri is so close that Victor can almost hear how blood is running through Yuuri’s veins. First of all, he wanted to say no, but when Yuuri started to beg… something inside creaked. Why Victor can’t resist him? Victor quickly grabbed Yuuri's hair with one hand and with another hugged him.

 

“Master…” Yuuri let the silent moan from his mouth, Victor was holding him a little bit rough, but it didn’t hurt so much. He is ready for the pain which is coming… he is really ready. Or not. Yuuri didn’t know, his heart was beating fast and almost painfully, but he was sure. He wants that. When Victor’s lips touched Yuuri’s throat his body started trembling. Hurry… hurry… “Aaahh….” That sound he let out from his lips when finally with quick bit Victor’s fangs were under Yuuri’s skin, actually, was not from pain. He thought that it will hurt, but as soon as it happened Yuuri’s head started feeling dizzy and his whole body feeling strange. It feels good… Chills ran down Yuuri’s spine and he moaned from the pleasure and then one hand he put under the blanket and touched naked Victor’s skin. Why his body is feeling so strange? So hot… he doesn’t want Victor to stop doing that… like ever. Don’t stop. Don’t. But he did, and the only one painful moment of this was when Victor pulled out the fangs, then it started to hurt a little bit. Yuuri was still holding hand on Victor’s chest and now fingers were trembling.

 

“How are you feeling?” Victor silently asked. He would never ask something like that, but it’s the first time when this vampire was so surprised. Victor didn’t have his favorite type of blood, but like the royal one he drinks just AB, of course, he has tried all of them, but A was nothing special at least he thought like this until this moment. Why this boy makes him feel something that he never felt? The taste of his blood was different… it’s impossible to explain what Victor felt while drinking it, but it was almost impossible to stop. It was like… he was spreading inside some warm feeling… so good… unknown, but it was breaking the ice inside him.

 

“It felt so good, Master… why… why did you stop?” Yuuri raised his head a little bit and after seeing that Victor is surprised he understood that he said something wrong. “It shouldn’t have felt good?” Yuuri blinked a few times. His body was still hot and breathing so fast, but now he was also surprised. Why Yuuri felt so good? He couldn’t understand. But it doesn’t matter, right?

 

“No… actually you should have felt pain… but for some reason, you didn’t?” Victor looked at Yuuri’s eyes and saw that boy is also surprised by this. It just means that Victor wasn’t wrong, they have to be together. “And of course I stopped, I don’t want you to faint here.” Yuuri didn’t think about this possibility. Victor is right… After these words, Victor softly pressed Yuuri's head and he put it on Victor’s shoulder. Actually, he feels a little bit tired… but just a little bit. Yuuri thought that he will close eyes for one moment.

 

 

 

“You really do love sleeping, right?” When Yuuri heard this voice next to his ear, he suddenly jumped in the bed with his eyes opened wide. Oh my, he overslept? He was lying under the blanket, just with his underwear and he saw Makkachin next to him on one side… and on another...

 

“Master!” he even flinched after seeing Victor lying there, but with his clothes on. Victor was smiling actually not mad at all. Yuuri understood that he fell asleep yesterday, poor Victor had to take off his clothes and after remembering what happened yesterday, Yuuri’s cheeks blushed so hard, that made Victor smile even more. “How… how is your wound?” he didn’t know what to say more right now.

 

“It’s gone, thanks to you.” Victor lifted his shirt and Yuuri saw that it’s really gone like nothing happened. Wow… it’s because of blood? That’s just amazing… He was able to help Victor. And his skin is so beautiful… now Yuuri remembered how he was touching Victor’s chest last night and that made him blush even more. “You look so cute when you are blushing…” this made Victor want to laugh so much he could just lay here and watch how Yuuri’s cheeks are getting more and more red. Buuut… “Dress up, I want to show you something.” Victor got up from the bed and started walking towards the door. “And eat breakfast” he showed with the hand at the table where there were tea and food for Yuuri. “I will be waiting for you in the hallway.” After that Victor smiled for Yuuri again and left taking Makkachin together with him.

 

Yuuri tried to do everything as fast as he could. What does Victor want to show him? He put on clean clothes he found on the chair next to the bed (his clothes from yesterday and Victor’s dirty clothes were gone) and just stopped for one moment when he saw marks on the neck. They were small and almost invisible… like healed really fast. Not like Otabek’s. Maybe if Victor starts drinking his blood all the time they become more visible? And why seeing these marks makes him feel so happy? Really… happy. Yuuri even didn’t want to hide them. He just quickly ate something, not even paying attention to what it was and ran from the room to meet Victor. After yesterday even few minutes apart seemed a long time.

 

“You are fast!” Victor laughed after seeing how Yuuri runs down the stairs. “Let’s go… I have never shown this to anyone before.” These words somehow made Yuuri nervous, what can it be that Victor has never shown to anyone? They started going through one corridor that Yuuri has never gone through before. Otabek said that there is nothing in the end of it. Obviously, he was lying, there was something… but something that only Victor could use. Victor smiled before opening the large door and Yuuri held his breath. That was an ice rink, a huge ice rink and Yuuri could just stare at it with his mouth opened. “Have you ever skated before, Yuuri?” Victor asked letting him in and closing the door. Yuuri shook his head. Here the temperature was colder than in the rest of house. Yuuri started wondering how it is possible. “I made this…” It’s like Victor has read Yuuri’s thoughts, after these words, he leaned forward and touched the ice with his fingertips and just in second ice became smooth as the glass. It’s like… it was alive. “Come here, let’s put on the skates.” When they sat on the bench and Victor started tying up his skates, Yuuri looked at the ones Victor gave to him. They were black and the blade looked so sharp. He won’t be able to stand still. “You want me to help put them on?” Victor was looking at Yuuri, but he quickly shook the head. No… he is not a child, he can put them on, it doesn’t look so difficult. “Alright… I will be waiting for you on the ice then.” Victor stood up and entered the rink and Yuuri tried to put on the skates as fast as he could, then he lifted his head. Victor was skating around the rink and because of this view, Yuuri forgot how to speak. Finally… finally, he can see this. This looks like a magic, but it’s real. Victor’s way of skating is fantastic, how he moves and slides and then… Victor suddenly jumped and that made Yuuri gasp. It’s quadruple flip. That’s just… amazing. He wants to go there, but Yuuri understood that he is just standing next to the entrance and he can’t move further.

 

“You are amazing…” Yuuri said quietly, but Victor still heard him. He looked at Yuuri and smiled, then started sliding towards him. Oh no, he will have to step on the ice. After this God he will look like a cow on the ice. But when Victor took Yuuri’s arms into his, all fear was gone. For the first time in his life, Yuuri stood up on the ice and the feeling was amazing. Even if after the first step he almost fell. But Victor was holding him strong, so Yuuri wasn’t afraid anymore.

 

“I am amazing? Look at you. You are doing great.” They were sliding around the rink and actually Yuuri was even proud of himself. He really started enjoying, skating was really great but even more great was that he could do this together with Victor. Together with the man he really loves. “How about a jump?” Yuuri opened his mouth from surprise, he is not ready for that, but Victor didn’t listen. He suddenly grabbed Yuuri's waist and lifted his body, at the same time jumping.

 

Yuuri’s heart stopped. From fear, from excitement, from Victor being so close to him, from his smell… when they landed, he still was unable to open eyes and look at Victor, all he could do was to stand there holding on this vampire. He doesn’t want to let this amazing feeling go. Never.

“Master… can I do one thing?” he asked still holding his head on Victor’s shoulder, he more felt than saw that Victor nodded. “Close your eyes…” Yuuri asked and after this, he felt how his lip starts trembling. Is he really ready to do that? Does Victor trust him so much? It seems he does. When Yuuri lifted his head, he saw that Victor is standing with eyes closed. Yuuri can’t wait anymore. He will do this. This is the only way. Yuuri gently touched Victor’s face with his palms and lifted his head a little bit more until their lips met. It was his first kiss. And he gave it to this man. Because he truly wanted that, because there is no other way how to show him the love. Yuuri thought that Victor will just stand still, but he suddenly moved, grabbed Yuuri’s face so hard and started kissing strongly, passionately, putting his tongue inside Yuuri’s mouth. And Yuuri moaned from the pleasure, from this strange feeling… it’s the same as yesterday, Yuuri is feeling dizzy and hot… and he wants more. Victor was a God in all ways, in kissing also… Yuuri didn’t have experience, but he tried his best. Victor’s tongue inside his mouth is so cold and Yuuri’s is so hot and every time they touch the feeling runs down through all body.

 

“Yuuri…” Victor stopped the kiss and sighed. This boy will be death for him. He wants him so much… he could do anything for him. And this kiss… this kiss means that Yuuri also wants the same, right?

 

“I am sorry…” Victor was ready to say what he thinks to Yuuri, but after these words, he couldn’t. Sorry for what? That made Victor feel empty somehow. Yuuri was the one who kissed him and now he is sorry about that? Really? “Maybe… I should go…” Yuuri let go of Victor, they were standing not so far away from the exit of the rink, so Yuuri quickly left, changed his shoes and after just a few moments he was gone. Victor didn’t move from the spot where he was standing. Why is Yuuri running away? This is the only question he had right now. What is he afraid of?

As for Yuuri, while running back to his room he felt like going crazy. What has he done? He shouldn’t have kissed Victor! He can’t do that… Yuuri was afraid that Victor will push him away someday because vampires can’t love. And then… Yuuri’s heart won’t be able to handle this. It’s better if Yuuri will love Victor in silence, just being with him all the time. This will be enough, he didn’t want to fall in love even more and then be pushed away. He was sorry not for the kiss itself, he was sorry because servant can’t kiss his Master. Yuuri should be just a blood bank, nothing more, right? And Victor didn’t stop him that means he also thinks the same. Yuuri couldn’t believe that he just ruined everything he had with Victor, now his Master won’t able to look at Yuuri the same way. He loves Victor so much… and if he loses him… then… then no… Yuuri’s life is over. He doesn’t want to go back to his city. He can’t live a normal life around people when he got the chance to feel what it’s like to live with Victor. Yuuri returned to his room and laid on the bed. All day he secretly was hoping that Albert will come saying that Victor needs him, but nobody came. And all Yuuri could do is cry because he was so stupid, he let those feelings to take control of his mind… and that’s what happened. Around 5 a.m. Yuuri just fell asleep because he felt tired of crying almost all day and he was feeling so bad about his actions. He didn’t hear how around 7 a.m. somebody entered his room. Yuuri woke up just when hands have hugged him from behind. He opened the eyes widely and turned his head. It was Victor. It’s just a dream, right?

 

“Yuuri… don’t run away. I just wrote to my father that I want to be with you… I need you, Yuuri.” Victor’s face was pressed to Yuuri’s back and his breathing made all body Yuuri's start heating. So it’s not a dream… it’s not… Yuuri turned around and hugged Victor as hard as he could, they were both under the blanket, Victor was wearing just a bathrobe and Yuuri was sleeping with his underwear.

 

“I also need you, Master… I need you with all my heart.” As soon as Yuuri whispered that, Victor grabbed Yuuri’s face and started kissing hard, the same way they were kissing on the ice. But this time, maybe because they were in the bed, Yuuri felt that it’s not enough. If Victor wants that… he will give everything. All his heart and body, and soul… and everything he wants. If they just can be together now. He needs it so much. Yuuri grabbed on Victor’s bathrobe when his Master’s fingers ran down Yuuri’s back and got under the underwear, this move suddenly made Yuuri feel so excited and he was getting hard. Victor didn’t stop, he was gently rubbing Yuuri’s ass and then slowly moved his hand until he could take Yuuri’s hard cock into his hand. Yuuri softly moaned into Victor’s mouth and started moving his hips, together with the moves of Victor’s fingers. It feels so good. He can also make Victor feel good, right? With one of his hands, Yuuri untied Victor’s bathrobe, and touched, first of all, his chest, then slowly moved down through those perfect abs until he was able to take Victor’s cock in the hand. Master is hard… he is hard because of Yuuri. This thought made him happy like never before.

 

Yuuri grabbed with another hand on Victor’s hair when the heating feeling inside him got stronger, Yuuri even forgot to move his hand and lips because the feeling was getting stronger faster and faster until he couldn’t hold it anymore. Yuuri let the gasp out into Victor’s mouth and reached his climax. His body was trembling from this wonderful feeling which still didn’t want to let him go. Yuuri moved his lips from Victor’s that he could take a deep breath, but it wasn’t the end. Victor was still hard and now with the same hand he again touched Yuuri’s ass but this time started putting one of the slippery fingers into the small hole, Yuuri gasped again, it wasn’t because Victor’s fingers were cold, it was something else. It was the first time when somebody is touching him so deep inside and because of that Yuuri couldn’t control his moans, he was silently letting them right into sensitive Victor’s ear making his Master even more excited. Victor, at first, thought that he can wait for another night, he could just prepare Yuuri little by little, but after hearing this wonderful sound he also wasn’t able to hold back. Victor knew he can’t just stop. He didn’t, after one, he put another finger, pressed them harder and deeper into Yuuri and moved them fast until silent moans became loud, until Yuuri’s body was trembling so hard that even Victor could feel this. The vampire moved, he grabbed Yuuri’s waist with his free hand and turned him on the back, himself climbing on the top of Yuuri. Yuuri’s fingers were still holding on Victor’s hair, but his fingers were shivering, Yuuri’s lips on Victor's ear were not just letting sounds but also making it wet with his saliva. Victor didn’t want to come into Yuuri’s hand… he wanted to come inside him. With another move, Victor pushed Yuuri’s hand from his cock and then pulled out finger’s from Yuuri's ass. Before putting it, Victor pressed his lips to Yuuri’s neck that way feeling boy's strong and fast heartbeat and then entered him, putting it inside with one move. All of it.

 

“Aaah!” Yuuri screamed loud and burst into tears from the pain. “It…. It…hurts… Master… it hurts…” he started sobbing into Victor’s ear but couldn’t let him go. He will never let him go. With the hand which was holding on Victor’s cock before he grabbed sheets next to him.

 

“Say my name… Yuuri… please… say it.” Finally… finally, Victor asked for this and Yuuri started crying even more, trying to find a less painful position by moving with his hips, but it was impossible.

 

“Victor!” he screamed when suddenly Victor bit him in the neck that way bringing an unexplainable pleasure. At the same moment, Yuuri became hard again, just from this. It hurts but at the same time it feels so good… Yuuri couldn’t understand what is going on with him. So he cried but also begged for more. “Please… Victor… please… don’t stop…. Please…” at some moment it seemed that he was begging to stop, but the words were different. Yuuri wrapped his legs around Victor’s thighs and lifted all his body just in order to be closer to his love. When their bodies touched and Yuuri’s cock started rubbing against Victor’s stomach he felt that it’s close again, that amazing feeling. Yuuri's head felt so dizzy, his neck was burning from pleasure, but ass hurt like hell, but he still wanted more. “I… I… lo-“ he wasn’t able to finish the sentence because at that moment he reached the climax again and Victor also came so hard deep inside him, that every thought was just gone from Yuuri’s mind. It got even black around him… everything….is spinning around. It seems that this time Victor drank a little bit too much.

 

 

“Yuuri?” some minutes passed when this voice reached Yuuri’s ear, he opened eyes slowly, Victor was lying next to him, pressing him to the cold skin, which now was a little bit warmer. It felt so good like that, next to Victor because Yuuri was still burning inside and outside. He blinked a few times and then turned his head, Victor was so much closer than he thought because their lips touched. “I am sorry… I couldn’t control myself.” Victor apologized giving small kisses on Yuuri’s lips.

 

“I don’t want you to control yourself…. It was amazing… and I… am so glad… that you were… first for me.” Yuuri started murmuring and every word made him blush more and more. But if not now than later he won’t be able to say this. It needs to be said while he still feels dizzy.

 

“Yuuuuuuri.” Victor smiled so wide and hugged Yuuri even harder. “It was also my first time with a man… but I don’t want to do it with anyone else from now on, just with you… you were so tight… and it felt sooo good. And your blood Yuuri… it’s driving me crazy… you are perfect. In every way. I want you... Will you stay with me forever?” Yuuri thought that it might be just a dream because his God just called him perfect and asked to stay with him, after hearing the question Yuuri even forgot to feel embarrassed with the part about tight places inside him.

 

“I belong to you, Victor… just to you.” Yuuri kissed Victor harder feeling so happy and light, and that hurting butt and neck didn't matter. Victor from now on belongs just to him. Forever… or as long as Yuuri lives. For some time they were lying in silence just smiling, kissing and sometimes even giggling from this pure and wonderful feeling inside them. And finally, Yuuri got all strengths to ask Victor. If they are together now not like Master and servant but so much more, he has right to do this now, or no? “Victor… where are you leaving all the time…? After this last time, I got so scared. Who did this to you?” Yuuri touched Victor’s face that he won’t be able to turn it from him, but Victor even didn’t think about doing that. Actually, he was ready to tell Yuuri everything, he doesn't want to hide anything. It’s enough.

 

“I am hunter…” when from Yuuri’s face Victor saw that he is thinking about deers and bears Victor smiled widely “Vampire hunter, baby.” That was even a bigger surprise. A vampire who hunts other vampires? “Of course just a bad ones… not every time is a success. But I am trying to make this word safer… I am sure that one day people will life among vampires again. We can live together.” Yuuri knew, he always knew that Victor has a fantastic kid heart. He always thinks about others, about humans.

 

“Yurio is also a hunter?” Yuuri asked because Yurio sometimes also leaves the house but usually with Otabek, so Yuuri wasn’t sure.

 

“Yurio? Are you kidding? No, he is not a hunter… he is a kitty fairy. Volunteering at the animal shelter. But soon he will stop doing that because I won’t be family head anymore.” First of all, Yuuri tried to imagine Yurio playing with different cats but then the other part made him almost freeze.

 

“Why? Are you leaving somewhere?” he felt dumb asking this because just a moment ago Victor said that they will be together forever and now he is speaking like this.

 

“Dummy… not. It’s because I want to spend all my time with you… and I am not ready to share you with anyone. But don’t worry before leaving I will tell the world that I have you now and that I don’t need anyone else.” These words were so sweet and heartwarming that Yuuri couldn’t do anything else just smile, but there still was one question left.

 

“And how about hunting? Will you quit doing it?” When Victor shook his head, Yuuri sighed. After learning about this, he is not okay… what if Victor will get hurt again? “Then take me with you.” Victor started silently laughing but Yuuri was serious about this, he is not letting Victor go alone anymore. Even if Chris is together with him, it’s not enough. Victor saw that Yuuri is not letting this go so fast and that somehow made this vampire smile even more.

 

“We will talk about this later… now sleep. We have all the time…” actually just after these words Yuuri really felt how tired he is. Alright, he will leave this for now, but just until… tomorrow maybe. He won’t leave Victor in peace about this. Yuuri sighed and pressed his cheek to Victor’s chest, then he remembers that he closed eyes and fell into the deepest sleep that he had here until now.

 

 

 

Yuuri woke up when he heard that someone is scratching the door. He opened his eyes and looked around. Victor wasn’t sleeping, but he pretended that he doesn’t hear this, when Yuuri moved a little bit, Victor just pressed him stronger against the chest.

 

“It… must be Makkachin… I will let him in…” Yuuri tried to move, but Victor didn’t let him go.

 

“Later… he is already doing this for five minutes.” When Victor murmured this, Yuuri opened mouth from astonishment. Poor puppy! He just wants to be here, so why not. After Yuuri moved again, Victor finally let him go and covered his head with a blanket it was just around 5 p.m. so still really early for him to wake up. Yuuri got up from the bed and actually, he almost fell at the same moment, he didn’t expect that his butt will hurt so much. Oh my… he even can’t stretch his back. He slowly put on Victor’s bathrobe which he dropped yesterday on the floor and even more slowly walked towards the door. When he finally opened them Makkachin was standing there but he didn’t enter.

 

“Come heeere, what is it?” Then Yuuri saw that someone is coming from the end of the corridor and he also walked out and closed the door behind him. Is it Otabek? Noo… too skinny… Albert? No… too tall. Yuuri couldn’t see well without his glasses but when the person got close enough all Yuuri was able to do is stare. It’s like he was looking at an angry version of Victor, except the eyes, they were green, not blue like the sky. Who is this person? “Can… can I help you?” he silently asked while the person was just standing there and looking at Yuuri with eyes full of hatred after few second Yuuri saw Yurio and Otabek behind him. What’s going on?

 

“Father… don’t do it.” It was Yurio who said this. Father? So it’s also Victor’s father? Kind of obvious. And what Yurio means by “don’t do it.”

 

“I can’t believe… that Victor decided to leave everything because of this… human.” He said the last word with such disgust. “He is not even the chosen one. He is nothing. It’s unacceptable. I won’t let that. Humans are not made for purebloods… and this would bring the shame for all family." He started speaking and Yuuri just couldn’t understand why this person hates him so much. It’s because of traditions that purebloods can’t be with humans? Who cares… that was long ago, everything changes. But probably not for this man.

 

“So what you gonna do about it?” suddenly door opened and there was Victor standing, he was looking at his father with that confidence on his face, wearing just Yuuri’s bathrobe which he found in the bathroom. Yuuri got blushed and everyone else was in shock after seeing that Victor slept in Yuuri’s room. And for Victor’s father, that was the last drop.

 

“I won’t let this go any further.” Nobody thought that he might do that, even vampires so for Yuuri it was like a speed of light when suddenly a hand went through his chest. That was a quick and sudden feeling, almost without pain at first, just when Victor‘s father pulled out the bloody hand from Yuuri's chest he heard Victor‘s scream nothing more. “You will thank me for this later.” After his words, father turned around and after few seconds he was gone. Victor… he really would have ripped off that gramps head right away, but it wasn’t the time for this. Poor Yuuri couldn’t hear anymore… but his heart would be really touched after knowing that Victor even started to crying, he grabbed Yuuri’s body and tried to press the wound but it was just too big.

 

“Yuuri… no… no… no no…” he couldn’t stop repeating over and over again, he even didn’t listen how Yurio was saying that he should have kept this relationship in secret like he is doing with Otabek, then everything would be just fine. But who cares right now. Yuuri is dying on Victor’s hands and he can’t do anything about this…. Now he is useless.

 

“I… I love you…” this were final Yuuri’s words, that he managed to say before closing his eyes, but that suddenly made Victor angry.

 

“What? You can’t just say this kind of thing to me and then die!! It’s not fair! It’s not…” Victor hugged Yuuri even harder. It’s really not fair. “I love you too… I love you too.” Yuuri was the one who helped Victor finally learn these words. It’s just can’t be the end. It can’t…  There was more and more blood around them, but this time it doesn’t matter, Victor can promise that he will never drink Yuuri’s blood again if he just lives. If only his blood could heal… if only…

 

“There is just one way to save him.” Victor already knew this without Yurio, but it was like a light inside his head. Yurio is right. Just one way… He already broke every rule he could. Can he break more? The one that nobody broke for IX centuries? But Yuuri is not a toy… he is not just a blood bank… he is… he is the one that Victor loves. There is no question if it’s for Yuuri Victor will break everything because the love between humans and purebloods vampires exist. This is the proof.

 

Victor quickly bit his wrist until his mouth was full of blood and then pressed his mouth to Yuuri’s helped him swallow everything. Is it enough? He doesn’t know… was he too late? Yuuri wasn’t moving and Yurio sighed. Maybe he was too late… if it’s the truth then… but suddenly Yuuri moaned and opened his eyes, then moaned again and took a deep breath.

 

“My… my teeth… hurts…” What? Teeth? Victor touched Yuuri’s chest but there was no wound anymore, just blood. Don’t tell me that he succeeded? That old crap about turning a human into Zero really works?

 

“Oh… you did it… I think his fangs are growing.” It was Otabek, he with Yurio even came closer to look because it was like a historical moment, there were no Zeros around the world, they became extinct long ago.

 

“Yuuri!!!” Fangs, tail… whatever… he can even have cat ears. Victor didn’t care how Yuuri will look like, as long as it’s him. Alive. He kissed Yuuri hard and at that moment Yurio turned around rolling his eyes. Now it doesn’t matter what will others think. Nobody can’t separate them. Because if you kill Zero the pureblood whose soul belongs to that Zero also dies… and who would kill the most powerful pureblood? No one… really. So. They will be forever together.

 

 

 

Yuuri was breathing fast and hard, his head was spinning after another amazing sex round but he felt so tired, they did it two times in the bed and now in the bath. He is still half human after all… he doesn’t have so much energy as Victor.

 

“You said… that we will… just take a bath.” Yuuri sighed, he was sitting on Victor and it was a little bit disturbing because his cock was still inside.

 

“Sorry, love… I changed my mind. You were so sexy… I just couldn’t hold back.” It’s not that Yuuri didn’t like having sex, but it was really hard to stop Victor because for him Yuuri looks sexy even when he brushes his teeth. Well… as for Yuuri, Victor was still his God so… it’s almost the same.

 

“Like always…” Yuuri silently laughed and put his chin on Victor’s shoulder, he could still see the bite marks he left while having sex on Victor’s neck. He could also eat normal food, but the blood drinking was also important because without doing this regularly Yuuri could lose his strengths. Almost six months passed after he became Zero. To the world he was presented as Victor’s lover vampire, everyone decided to keep a secret who Yuuri was for real, so just a few people knew. Actually… he didn’t have much difference from vampires… he won’t even age as long as he drinks Victor’s blood. Well, he was a little bit weaker than a vampire, but still so much stronger than human.

 

“We need a bigger bath.” Victor looked around and moved a little bit, that way making Yuuri moan silently. “What, love? You want to do it again?” he kissed Yuuri’s shoulder and smiled.

 

“Stop spending money on nonsense… last time you bought that big Makkachin's toy and now it’s occupying almost half of the bed.” Yuuri sighed and rolled his eyes, but he liked to be kissed so Yuuri can’t be really mad. “Better let’s visit hot springs. My parents' were so happy when we came last time. And talking about parent-"

 

“I am not talking to my father ever again. Forget about this. Not even start this conversation.” Yuuri moved his head from Victor’s shoulder and looked him right into the eyes. Victor still shook his head like a stubborn child. Little by little Yuuri will still make him do this. “And that toy isn’t a nonsense!! He is just suuuuper cute! I love him. And really about hot springs… how could I forget about this?? Alright, next week we are going to Korea for that hunting and after that let’s stay at your parents' place for some time.” While talking Victor made that cute face of his and that just made Yuuri starting melting again.

 

“Who else do you love?” Yuuri smiled and pressed his lips to Victor’s cheek. He felt how his lover is smiling.

 

“I love you,  eu te amo, Wǒ ài nǐ,  miluji te, Je t'aime, Ich liebe dich, S'agapo, Ti amo, aishiteru yo, Te quiero, Ya lyublyu tebya----“

 

“How many languages can you speak?” Yuuri opened his mouth from astonishment, but before hearing the answer he kissed Victor hard and smiled from the bottom of his heart. “So how about another round?” It seems that they won’t get out of the room until the dawn. Again.

 

_Until the dawn and forever._

* * *

**This work belongs to official Victuuri fandom**

**All rights belong to the author.**

* * *

**Message** : _Victuuri Uke_ 4:34 a.m. JST  
Yuuri I have another Birthday Present to you!! Just read it!!

 **Message** : _Phichit_ 10:34 a.m. JST  
What the hell, Phichit? It's another Fanfic.... I am not reading this....

 **Message:** _Victuuri Uke_ 10:37 a.m. JST  
You are missing a lot... there is your first time written!! :3

 **Message:** _Phichit_ 10:40 a.m. JST  
For crying out... I will delete this page one day... I will.

 **Message** : _Victuuri Uke_ 10:46 a.m. JST  
You won't Yuuri, You won't : > we are too big :>

 

* * *

> Spoiler for chapter 51.
> 
> "Where is Victor, Yurio?"  
>  "He is in the ice castle."  
>  "Alone??? What.... what is it?"  
>  "Victor doesn't hate you anymore... today."
> 
> "What.... what do you mean by that?"
> 
> "Just go... and see..."

 


	11. Chapter 51. Making History.  Victor & Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sunshines!!~~~
> 
> Thank for reading Phichit's chapter, he loves you really much <3 <3 and sends you kisses and a promise that in chapter 52 you will get some funny things from him again :3 <3 <3
> 
> From now on until anniversary all chapters will be from Yuuri’s side ;o
> 
> A reminder why Victor thought that Shuusei is Yuuri’s and his son: When Yuuri started choking blood, Victor didn’t see his face, but later doctor Ishikawa told him that the man who was choking blood in her office is Shuusei’s brother/son (because Shuusei came to the hospital with Yuuri). So in the end, when Victor saw Yuuri outside he understood who was the man in Ishikawa's office and that made him think that Shuusei might be their son.  
> Poor Shuusei tho....
> 
> Oh, my uni starts again TT_TT damn.. those holidays really passed too fast :/
> 
> See you,  
> Love <3  
> Vitavili <3

* * *

 

**Victor**

* * *

 

The word “angry” was not enough to describe how I was feeling when I left my ward, leaving him there crying. That was a huge combination of every bad emotion that can exist in this world: annoyed, depressed, hopeless, chaotic, lonely, disgusted, sad, lost, confused, irritated... and I could continue this list forever until there would be no words or phrases to express negatives thoughts. From every of them, I was getting so sick and tired, but there was no way I could stop this. And he… how the hell he dare to cry? How does he dare to pretend that he is the one hurt here? Yuuri was the one who decided to end this in the first place and now he is crying making me look like a bad guy here. Yeah, right… everyone now let’s take a pity of poor Yuuri because it’s not his fault that he left Victor, right? Let’s pretend that it never happened, that leaving me was just a bad decision that can be really easily fixed. Well for him, maybe. But not for me. Doesn’t matter from what angle I look, I can’t see Yuuri as a victim in this case. Let’s think about everything from the beginning. I came from Russia to coach him, I did the first move in our relationship and all those years I was next to him whenever he needed this and I did that from love, everything was because of that stupid love. That love has led me to this point where I am now. There was just one main reason why I couldn’t believe that we are married because… if I really did forgive him, if Yuuri was really able to clean this pain inside my chest then why… why I hate him now? If I was really healed from those bad feelings inside then shouldn’t I feel it? Maybe actually I haven’t forgiven him? I just didn’t say this? And if I have really forgiven him… Even if I lost my memories, I should have felt something… something… something…

Yes, there is something. Something that I can’t explain in words I can't even show this. This “something” made me feel even worse. Usually, my anger is silent, but I couldn’t control my actions, nor my words next to him because… because actually… I had to show him how much it hurts, I wanted him to feel the same. In another case I wouldn’t have cared about this, I would just have walked away from the ward as soon as I woke up, but I stayed. At that moment I even didn’t think about that, but now, when I am sitting alone everything looks different then it was at first. Why I stayed and used all my strengths to shout at him, to make him cry? Because I care because I hate and I care at the same moment. Some of my words I told him wasn’t true at all… for example that death wish… I didn’t want him to die, really. But those cruel words just slipped from my mouth because of the pain in my chest. How it can be, that I am suffering so much and he can lay in that bed and say “I can explain.” How can he even touch me and look so calm? I don’t need explanations, he thinks that I am dumb or what? I already know what happened, alright? I know that he is not lying about the wedding, about surgery, Yuuri doesn’t know how to lie and still for my ears it was such a pain to hear this that I didn’t want to accept facts even if they were incontestable. I wanted to call him a liar that he would start having doubts about everything himself. And I think I succeeded, I did the worst I could and there was one moment where I almost ruined all efforts I have put to make this drama – in the end when Yuuri asked me to wait. I stopped and my heart was in the throat, just one second… just one damn the longest second I thought that he will say: “It hurts… my heart hurts so much.” But I was so stupid, he still pretended so strong, asking me to kiss him. Damn it, he should be glad that I didn’t throw those rings through the window because of that request. He was playing again and now I am so done… I just can’t take it anymore… If I don’t leave now then I will break again because…

Because I still love him. The truth is that I still love him more than I hate. That’s what my heart was saying all the time and that’s why it hurt and for the same reason I wanted him to feel the love through the pain, but I am sure that he got everything wrong, like always. I know why he was crying… because actually, he is still blaming himself for everything in the heart, he hasn’t forgiven to himself so how can I forgive him? He couldn’t even protect himself from the past, so how he could save our love? Yuuri is still running, he is still weak and that means that if I let him in inside, sooner or later he will hurt me again somehow… he won’t trust me, he will think that I can cheat on him, he will think that he is not worth having me and everything will lead us to separation again. So why should I go into this shit? I don’t want that… Even if I know that I will never be able to cure myself of this sick love. But I will better live with this pain, than with the fear of him leaving me again. Really… I am so tired… of this love.... that I even accept the fact that I might lose all memories one day. If that’s the truth and if I forget him… then… maybe… it won’t hurt to love because there will be no more love around me.

I was sitting alone for more than one hour (or something near it), people were going through the corridor but I was invisible to them, so nobody said me a word, I was just left with my thoughts, but I don’t think that in the end, I started feeling better about it. Maybe just had a clearer vision of what I should do. If I can’t run away from him, then I have to accept this until it will be over. If I am lucky then the pain might be just temporary.

“Victor.” This voice was almost the last I wanted to hear now, but I can’t avoid him for the rest of my life. I guess he already heard what happened and now he came finally to punch me in the face, there is Otabek to stop him, so…

“I don’t need this, Yuri. Just go.” I even said his real name, not that nickname everyone was using. I am really serious, really. Not this time and not after everything. I won’t even open my eyes to see him, let’s just hope that he has enough brain in that blond head and he will do as I told him.

“I talked to the doctor. Get ready, we are leaving in an hour. I am taking you with me.” I thought that nothing can make me open my eyes, but these words were the only one exception. I not just pointed my eyes at him but also leaned forward. Is he making fun of me? But Yuri’s face was deadly serious. Will he get me out of here?

“Where?” For one second as a really naïve man, I almost thought that he will say Russia. I mean, it’s normal, that country won’t be able to save me, but at least I will be from Yuuri as far as I can on this planet. Yuri was looking at me with those eyes that I knew too well, it’s like he really wanted to punch me, but somehow he was able to control himself, I guess that’s why he was holding hands crossed on his chest.

“To Hatsetsu. Until we get a new passport for you, it’s the only place you can stay in. I will be waiting downstairs.” After that, he just turned around and left and I again leaned back. Hatsetsu, right? Yuuri’s hometown. I don’t think that he is in condition to come with us, Phichit most likely will stay here with him, so it’s just me and cat couple. Going back where everything began. It’s just funny how in life starts and ends are crossing paths with each other, right?

When I came back to my ward next to it I met Ishikawa, her face was unreadable so I guess she saw what happened. The fact that Yuuri came to my ward didn’t make her happy, but I made a face that I don’t really know anything about it. Actually, she didn’t say much, just wished me good luck and bowed, the poor woman was just shocked after everything. You see, Yuuri plays with everyone’s feelings. This woman just saved his life and he already disobeyed. In my ward I found some stuff, I guess it belonged to me. But I couldn’t explain from what place there was a key in my pocket. That’s the only thing… no wallet, no documents, nothing. It’s strange because I usually have a wallet in my jeans pocket, was I buying something at the time when the earthquake started? Jeans were dirty but I still have put them on just kept the t-shirt from the hospital because mine was covered in blood and ripped… so that’s everything I have left from the past that I don’t remember? A Broken heart and these clothes? Nothing much… is not that I need something more. But still, before leaving, I had to do one more thing.

When I came in almost nobody paid attention. Half of the children were sleeping, another half like usually playing with themselves or crying. Today there was just one babysitter and when I came here she waved for me. I didn’t need to search for Shuusei with my eyes, he was already running towards me with a big smile on his face. I didn’t catch him just stepped forward so the boy hugged my leg and that made me smiled a little bit. How else? I think this boy is the only thing that could keep me here.

“Are you doing alright?” I leaned forward a little bit and touched his dark hair with my fingers they were so soft… The boy nodded few times and hugged my leg harder. I came here to say goodbye to him but how should I start? I mean… after today maybe I won’t meet him ever again, how should I say something that he could remember?

“Victol.” I was thinking about words that he could understand when my name came out from his lips and something inside me just made me feel so damn it small. I am sure that this kid can’t be Yuuri’s brother, but then… it means that Shuusei is his son? And if we are really married then… then it means that we have adopted him? Is he also my son? That would explain why I attached to this boy so fast. But if that’s the truth… then that should have been the first thing Phichit should have told me about when he came into the ward… but he just started talking a bullshit. And even if it’s truth, I still must leave Shuusei… I have to leave my past and everything I don’t remember. Ishikawa said that it might help me not to lose more memory… if I really stop trying to remember what happened. I think… Shuusei is the only thing I really want to remember.

“Try calling me Vitya.” I don’t have any idea why I said this. But Shuusei lifted his bright eyes at me and blinked a few times, like trying to get concentrated before an important job. I swear I tried to hide my smile so hard, but it’s impossible not to smile. He didn’t say anything in the end, so I guess the poor boy just couldn’t understand what the hell I want from him. Oh well. “It’s time for me to leave. I would love to take you with me… but because I am mentally unstable they won’t let me. Of course, I could just kidnap you… but… could you really be my son?” I was talking silently but Shuusei was looking at me as he was trying to understand, it was still hard for him, right? I was able to see from his eyes, that this boy is just too pure for all the shit around us. Actually, even if he is my son I didn’t want him to see how bad things are with me and Yuuri now. He didn’t deserve it, it’s nothing do to with him… “You know… I don’t have anything to give to you as a present, but take this.” I took out the key from my pocket and gave it to him. Shuusei let my leg go and took it with both hands looked at him at it was some kind of a magic thing, with those big wide blue eyes, he really reminded me in the past. I know, it’s impossible that he would be my biological child, but this… let’s just hope that Yuuri will be smart enough to leave this kid in peace. He should find a better family. “It’s a key from my heart, alright? Only you have it, nobody else. Take good care of it.” Last time I touched his hair and then turned around. I couldn’t say goodbye… I just couldn’t…

“Vitya stay!” it’s the first time I heard him shouting. I was so surprised for both things: He actually said the short version of my name and he shouted at me, that I turned back to him and then kneeled in front of the child who soon ran into my arms. It’s the first time I have hugged him, but it felt so good and painful at the same time. No matter what, I was sure, I won’t forget this. Shuusei wasn’t smiling anymore, I heard how he is silently crying holding on my shirt. So I stayed with him until boy fell asleep and I didn’t care that it took more than an hour. When I finally left, he was sleeping on the couch, in one hand holding half of his dog toy and in another hand the key I gave to him. I knew that I just won’t be able to calm myself down until I hear the truth.

So here I am, in front of Yuuri’s ward. Looking at the door and trying to figure out what to say. I never had a problem with picking words that I should say, but after I shouted at him… I just don’t know what he is expecting. After a deep breath, I opened the door finally but didn’t come in. He was lying in the bed with the eyes opened wide not even blinking and thank you God not crying anymore. I don’t think he understood that it’s me, I don’t think that he really cared who it is. So I managed to break his heart after all?

“Shuusei is our son?” I just asked directly still standing at the other side of the door. Yuuri moved his head so suddenly like from some horror movie, somehow I was able not to flinch. Oh no, will he start crying again?

“Vic-tor…” I don’t know he was more surprised by the fact that I came here or that I knew about Shuusei. Both maybe. His eyes were almost scared as he was waiting for me to start shouting again. But I didn’t want to shout and at the same time, I didn’t have enough energy to look at him. I decided to count until ten and if he won't say anything I will just leave then. “No. He… he is not. He is…. Just a boy who came with me. His…. His parents died.” I don’t know why suddenly I felt even smaller after hearing that he is not our son. I mean, I should have felt happy… because I don’t have to think anymore that I hurt Shuusei, but at the same time… it’s sad.

“I see…” I nodded and grabbed the handle to close the door.

“You… are going to Hatsetsu with Yurio.” He said it like I didn’t know that. I just rolled my eyes and started closing the door. “I asked him this… you wanted to leave the hospital, right?” I suddenly stopped just an inch from closing them and slowly opened again. I could have guessed that… but he did it for me? Because I wanted? Not because I have hurt him with my words?

“Should I say thank you or what you are expecting from me? Don’t worry, I will leave that place as soon as I get my passport. I don’t have any intentions of staying there for too long.” I don’t really know what he was talking about and I didn’t even look at Yuuri while talking. He also didn’t say anything after my words so whatever. “You know… I have thought about everything… a little bit and I suppose there is no point for me to hide this from you. I will never forgive you for what you have done, but I will try doing one thing…” I don’t know if Yuuri comes sooner than I leave that place so I didn't have any idea if we will meet again, but… it’s better to make things clear now. I stepped forward and finally looked at him, Yuuri froze as I wanted to hit him. Like I said, he hasn't changed at all. I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his ear whispering the last words to him (I hoped) and then walked away from the ward not even turning around to see his reaction.

* * *

 

**Yuuri**

  
_11 days until the anniversary_

* * *

 

They let me out from the hospital in the fifth of May. Of course, I wanted to go earlier but doctor Ishikawa was so mad at me because of my little trip to Victor’s ward that she didn’t listen to me at all. Few times I thought that she is keeping me because of the money but in my heart, I knew that it’s not the truth. In my heart, I mean… the thing that has left from it. Even after 5 days not seeing Victor I couldn’t forget his last words for me at nights I could almost hear in my mind how he is shouting at me, saying that I should be dead by now or even worse. I dreamed myself dead and he standing next to me, with that cold face of his doing nothing. He wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t look hurt at all. The first day after Victor left I thought that I am feeling anxious just because of all this situation, but then on the second night I opened my eyes and I saw Oleg in front of me. Yes, the same. I screamed so hard that three nurses ran into my ward thinking that something happened and when they turned the light, Oleg was gone. But from that day I couldn’t sleep at nights so I tried to sleep as much as I could at day time, but it was quite impossible because of the Phichit who was always here, talking non-stop. I wished that he just stopped this, but he was my friend, so I couldn’t say that. Also, Shuusei was staying with me, but when I asked the nurse if it’s possible to take him with me when I leave the hospital she shook her head. They were still hoping that someone will search for him. I mean, that was impossible… because after his parents died his last name is unknown, Shuusei told me that he lives in Japan, but when I asked if he is from Tokyo he shook his head and didn’t say anything else about this. So I guess, the hardest part about leaving the hospital was that I couldn’t take Shuusei with me. I won’t lie, I got attached to him and he was the only thing that I had left for now that could remind me how much Victor used to love me. When Shuusei was looking at me with those bright blue eyes I couldn’t think about anything else, just about Victor… he used to look at me this way. As he was adoring me. I did a huge mistake and I didn’t go to say goodbye to Shuusei because I thought that my heart won’t be able to bear more pain. I was still crying all the time alone… and I didn’t want to have one more reason to cry. I was getting sick from the hospital and every day it was getting more and more harder to stay calm here. Now I remembered how much I hate doctors and the reason why I felt that was waiting for me in the night. I got used to covering my head with the blanket at night time, that way I was safe. Maybe I was like a kid, but how do kids protect themselves from nightmares? They hide… so I did the same. After I lost Victor… everything started coming back. I know that now it’s just a bad feeling, but it could get worse and if I start really remembering what happened on that day…

Few times I asked Phichit how is Victor doing because I was sure that he is talking with Yurio. I wanted to ask every day and every hour but I was afraid to hear that he is already gone. Actually, Phichit didn’t say anything clear for me, just that Victor is still in Hatsetsu also he told me that on six of May Ana and Alexey will come with Makkachin there. In order to make less stress for Makkachin, they chose to go with more flights taking rest in some cities. Do be honest, I didn’t care about that, all I wanted to do is see Victor, even if he hates me I can’t delete him nor from my past nor from the future. I can’t. As long as I am alive, I will be reaching him, I will do it… Once Victor said that he won’t give up on us. So now was my turn. I still don’t know if I am strong enough to fix it and I could admit that my heart really was broken to pieces after our last two conversations. And even my brains were screaming: _You bitch, just stay away from him_. My wounded heart thought differently: _Please, help him_. I wish that somebody could help me right now…

“Your mother will get scared after seeing you like this. Be prepared to eat thousands of Katsudon.” Phichit laughed when we were already in the taxi going away from the hospital. I have lost around 8 kilograms maybe… but I just didn’t have apatite. Even for Katsudon. I looked through the window at the hospital. I am really sorry, Shuusei… I am so sorry for leaving you here… you haven’t left me there in the ruins, but I did… I asked the nurse to call me if nobody search for him and she promised me. Just I don’t have any idea how long will I have to wait for this. After I didn’t laugh about the joke Phichit sighed and didn’t say anything more. Lately, he was giving up fast. I saw how Seung-Gil takes Phichit’s hand into his. I should have sat in the front seat, now three of us sits here in the back. I loved my friends, but feeling their love right now also hurt me.

On our way to Hatsetsu we didn’t talk a lot, well… they have talked a little bit. But I haven’t said a word. As we were getting closer and closer I started feeling the weight of my heart in the chest. It’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Victor… will I still see the hatred in his eyes? My father came to pick us from the airport, after seeing me he sighed and just touched my hair. He used to do that when I was still a small kid… like Shuusei. I quickly moved my head and sat in the car. Let’s just go… I don’t want to wait anymore and I can’t. Next, to our house, Yurio was waiting, he was standing there and just from his eyes, I saw that he had a fight with Otabek, that sad look I knew too well. Don’t tell me that Otabek is not here?

“Where is Victor, Yurio?” These were my first words after I got from the car. There are just two possibilities why he waiting for us here, either he missed me or either something happened to Victor. The second was more likely.

“He is in the ice castle.” That’s one of the reasons why I really liked Yurio, he never tried to turn away from serious things. He was the person who always tells you the truth in the eyes no matter how cruel it is. Victor is in the ice castle? I looked at that direction, it’s not too far away, but if something happens? If he tries to do something to himself? Why Yurio looks so calm?

“Alone???” I asked and couldn’t believe that they really let him go alone. The last thoughts about Yurio, I take them back. He was definitely hiding something and my father as both Phichit and Seung-Gil stayed behind me too quietly. So they also know something that I don’t know? WHY. WHY I always get to know things the last. Victor wants that or not, he is still officially my husband. So let’s just end this hiding thing. “What… what is it?” even if I was getting mad, my voice still cracked. Just thinking about those all possibilities that could have happened…

“Victor doesn’t hate you anymore… today.” Yurio said these words at first making my heart suddenly jump but his last word made it fall again even harder before I felt the happiness. I wanted to know what he means by that, but at the same time, I didn’t. Anyway, there was still that naïve hope inside me… that Victor remembered me… remembered who we are now.

“What do you mean by that?” I still had to ask. Phichit behind me sighed as if it wasn’t the first time he hears this. I tried not to listen to him, I still need to have hope. It doesn't matter… if he remembered one time, he will remember again… I will help him remember.

“Just go… and see…” Why are they killing me with this shitty answers? Is it so hard just to tell it? I will see it anyway! Wouldn’t it be better if I get a chance to prepare myself a little bit?

“Actually, he is in the bedroom right now. He came back when you were in the bathroom, Yurio.” Otabek came out from the corner, he was in that house that belongs to me and Victor. So he is there. “I just talked to Victor and said that Yuuri is coming. He looked pretty happy, just a little bit embarrassed… so be careful…” What? I just couldn’t listen to this anymore so I just passed through the Otabek who was now staring at Yurio, but that little blond pretended that he doesn’t see this. I walked towards the house. I will get hurt more or I will get healed just in second.

“Victor!” I opened the door and he stepped from the room at the same second. His eyes were big and blue… really he doesn't hate me anymore. And his look was so warm… but somehow a little bit different than I remember. I tried to understand what it reminds me of.

“Yuuri…” he tried to smile but also at the same time looked away for a bit as he was really embarrassed by something. I stepped forward to him feeling how my lips starts trembling. Is he embarrassed by those words he told me in the hospital? Forget about them… I don’t care. I don’t care. Before he said something more I crossed the corridor and reached him, wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my cheek to his chest.

“It’s alright… I am not mad… it’s alright.” I murmured again and again when Victor’s arms also hugged me and it felt so good, so safe even if the hug was a little bit different, maybe a little bit more careful than I am used to. I am sure it’s because of the guilt… but it’s not his fault. I know that have hurt him a lot and I deserved those words he told me. But now it’s over, right? I lifted my head a little bit and our eyes met and that made my head feel so dizzy like in old times… when we just started to know each other. Now kiss me… kiss me… and make that pain disappear completely.

“I am glad...” he didn’t kiss me, just touched my hair with his hand, then smiled a little bit more widely and let me go. What. “Otabek told me, that you have changed, but he never said that you changed so much. I love your hairstyle.” My arms just fell down when he said those words and I felt my heart somewhere in my feet. I tried to figure out so much what is going on, that I missed the next words he told me. “Yuuri? You hear me?” Victor grabbed on my shoulders and I flinched.

“What…?” I asked suddenly remembering where I have seen these eyes of his and when I felt this hug last time. Before I understood tears were already running down my face… it’s happening… it’s happening… I was just frozen, I didn’t want to move and I couldn’t do that.

“Why… why are you crying? Yuuri… jeez, I never know what to do when people are crying.” But you knew Victor… you knew what to do when I am crying. For God sake you knew!!!! “I know I have lost my memories… and I still am trying to understand everything… it’s just hard to believe this. But… I am happy that you came, really. Don’t cry… I mean, I am still here, right? I am still you coach. Or you are not skating anymore? Or right… it’s already been a long time… I guess not. But we are still good friends, right? So just… jeez… why are you crying even more right now???” With every of his words, I was just sobbing louder and louder, he was my Victor… my Victor that I loved so much. But at those times, when he still didn’t love me. After he asked the last question I just broke into pieces, grabbed his shirt so hard and started crying out loud. I want to shake him so hard right now… and punch him… and… “I did something wrong, right?” he silently asked and I remembered how Otabek asked to be careful so I tried to shook my head.

“I… am… I…. am…. Ha-ha-ha-appy…” I pressed my face so hard to him and started crying even more. How can I stop this? If I don’t stop crying then I will really make Victor worried even worse. But how… how…

“You are a terrible liar, you know that?” he silently laughed and rubbed my hair. “Calm down and we can talk about everything, alright? We have a lot of time for that…” But I just couldn’t calm down, when I already thought that I am holding him, everything just slipped from my hands. How much pain will I be able to bear? “Yuuri… I am sure everything has a solution. You know how my father used to say?” actually this made me start listening more carefully. Is Victor talking about his parents? Even after our marriage, he avoided to talk about his family and I didn’t ask… and now… he will quote his father’s words to me? Victor saw that I am listening, so now he pressed me harder in his arms and I felt Victor’s lips next to my ear. Is the same what he did in the hospital before leaving. “He said… that tomorrow is a secret that we have to fight for and that today… is a smile, because we have to be thankful for what we are living… and you know what the past is?” I couldn’t help myself just remember the last Victor’s words he whispered me in the hospital.

_You are the past to me and I will delete it. I will delete you from my history._

“The Past is a history, Yuuri…” I knew he will say that and the hell… it hurt so much. The same as it hurt in the hospital. Victor took my face in his palms and I couldn’t do anything just let him lift my head, so our eyes met again. “I know it’s not normal like that… and I know that it should be hard for you that I lost my memories, but don't be too sad about me, alright? I mean… it’s fun not to be normal, no? That way we can always surprise someone. So how about… how about we re-write the past, Yuuri? How about… we make our own history? Make it so good like the world have never seen before? It won’t be normal… it won’t be always happy. But it will be ours. The one that we made. What will you say?”


	12. Chapter 52. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!~
> 
> Maybe some of you thought that I finally got Author's block or something, so let me say nooo... I was lying like a vegetable in the bed with high fever TT_TT it's like the time when Yuuri got sick and Victor tried to take care of him using fanfic, but in the end, he had to drink strong medicine. So yeah, magic didn't work for me either.... but I am all better now! You know what it was? The punishment for writing all those sad things, I mean it, my eyes were burning in flames of hell TT_TT Alright, enough about me :D
> 
> Here is the new chapter, finally not that sad compared to others!  
> And I wonder should I finally write some smut in the next chapter?~~:3 :3 I miss writing smut.... really :D  
> By the way, can you already guess what will happen to Victor and what magical experience Yuuri will have until their anniversary? ;o
> 
> I am glad to be back with a new chapter!  
> Thank you for your support so much!! T_T  
> With lots of love,  
> Vitavili <3

His eyes are so beautiful when there is no hate or anger inside of them. They are not the ones I truly wanted to see, but the way he looked at me now was still better than nothing, it was warm and loving, the love that only Victor could feel to me, the first signs of our true love, that grow up latter. To be honest, it was so much more than I could have expected and of course, it’s so much better than the hate, but at the same time, it hurt. I can’t have a hope that I will see this look forever because one day he might wake up hating me again or thinking that I don’t exist at all. What will I do then? I know it’s impossible for me to push Victor away because he is the one why I wanted to stay alive, but can I say now that I have him? Wouldn’t it be more like running back and forward from one memory to another until Victor breaks? And what… what if I don’t want to re-write our past, our history? I knew it hurt and some things were really horrible, there was a time when I would have given everything to turn back time… but not now… I loved our history because everything that happened made us stronger together and that way we grew up. So how is it possible to forget everything? I can’t delete that day in Rostelecom Cup when he first kissed me…. or that day in Barcelona when put the ring on his finger for the first, even our first time dancing together in Gala. I know that these things happened so long ago, but they were still so precious to me. And how about… how…. about everything else? How can I forget all those promises that we made to each other, all those cries and kisses all those nights that we spent together and all those silent talks? It doesn’t matter to me how much did it hurt and how much my heart bled, if not all those things everything would be different. And we promised on our wedding day in Barcelona that we will stay together no matter what… and now, he asks me to re-write our history? OUR story? Is he leaving me alone with that past? Victor doesn’t understand that his existence in our past was the only reason why darkness turned into the light and if he steps away… everything will return, starting from my nightmares. I don’t want to make new history… We already have one. I know I must be selfish, but… I just want my old life back. I love it too much and I can't let go those 7 years so easily.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” I just stood there looking at Victor for almost a minute without saying a word and of course that made him worried, even more, I bet he is thinking that I don’t want to create any history... or not. It’s been so long since I last saw him like this, that I even forgot the way Victor was thinking back then. “Of course, it’s sounded like I am proposing to you or something…” suddenly he started giggling and I opened my eyes widely from surprise. Is he really just said… “Japanese are really so shy, I always forget.” Victor let me go and turned around, walked into the bedroom. “Come, piglet and clean your face in the bathroom you can’t go back looking like you just lost the Grand Prix final.” I slowly moved towards the bedroom, Victor was sitting on the bed searching for something in the little plastic box. So that’s how it was back then… “Talking about Grand Prix, did you win?” he lifted head when I was already standing in front of him. I didn’t go to the bathroom because there was no point, I knew that any single word or move could make me cry again.

“Which one?” I asked silently. I should have listened to Otabek a little bit more, I should have asked him how much Victor knows now, how long is he like this and what did they tell him about us? I was just too impatient because I had that stupid hope that Victor remembered everything and now I am not sure what to tell him. To be honest, I don’t want to tell him anything at all… I just want to hug him like always and kiss him hard and just be in Victor’s arms. I want him to tell me cute words and I want him to touch the place on my side where it hurts and make the pain go away. After Victor raised his brow, now I remembered this look of his, the one that I can’t say no to. “I won silver in two thousand and sixteen and gold in two thousand and seventeen and then… again gold in two thousand and twenty-second.” When I think of it now it doesn’t seem too much, but they all mean so much more than any other medals I have received.

“Just three? Really?” Victor put the box aside and touched his chin with the finger, thinking about something really hard. “And what about the years from two thousand nineteen until two thousand twenty-first? Don’t tell me that you didn’t participate.” I really didn’t know what to answer and I couldn’t let him see that my fingers are trembling again. I could have won gold in 2021, but when Victor fainted in the beginning of my free program I didn’t care about Grand Prix ending at all.

“I couldn’t parti-“

“It’s just something that a lazy person could say.” He looked at me with that happy face of his, but that smiled was a fake one. Maybe he was disappointed right now, but I really couldn’t participate… It’s just hard to explain. And now I even didn’t want to talk about it.

“Can I see… that place where it hurts, on your head?” I knew that it still hurts because Victor was looking something from pain in the plastic box, I also knew that it might be the reason why he came back from the ice castle. I wonder how strong that pain is. Victor turned his head a little bit and I leaned forward to touch his hair. His head wasn’t bandaged anymore so it should have been a good sign, but not in his case.

“It’s good that I didn’t get bold, I mean it would have been really hard to hide the wound then…” he started to laugh, while I was gently touching his hair with fingertips, trying to move hair really carefully. We both flinched at the same time, Victor because of the pain and me because of his reaction, I had to grab on his shoulder, but Victor didn’t move my hand. “Yes, here… I wonder what happened because it feels like I ran into the wall or something…” he was trying to sit still and I had a chance to see clearly the wound, it wasn’t a big one and doctors did a really good job… but the damage… I really tried to hold myself back but still, when I realized what’s going on, my lips were already on Victor’s head. Maybe he didn’t feel it? I quickly stepped back, but just from his look, I saw that he felt that.

“I love you.” I also didn’t want to say these words. Well, from one side I wanted to do that, but I was afraid and I didn’t know if it’s a right thing to do. But my brains, tongue, and heart weren't listening at all. It’s the first time when they were working together just doing what they want. I can’t really say what expression I used to say this.

“Why thank you… I also love myself.” Victor smiled to me and I understood that he didn’t take my words seriously. I just… what… “Wait, Yuuri, Yuuri… Jeez. Calm down. You are turning pale. I am just kidding.” He grabbed my hand before I moved fingers away, seriously I really forgot what bully Victor was back then. Of course, at 2016 I would have never said that openly what I feel so that’s why he took this as a joke. “Actually, I am a little bit mad at you… you know why?” Mad? Now? What have I done now? His eyes don't look mad at all, but Victor’s face is serious. I slowly shook my head. “Just look at yourself. Remember I told you that you have changed? So I didn’t mean everything in a good way. What have you been eating lately? Air? You look like a skeleton. Where are all those muscles we were working so hard on? And I saw your ass, it’s not sexy at all… like that, you will never seduce me. So you are saying that you love me, well doh… you know that for me words are not enough. I am serious. You are going to eat now or I won’t talk with you. You are not Victoria’s Secret’s model, you are a sportsman.” His serious eyes, face and fast way of speaking reminded me of those times when Victor was giving me a lecture after my mistakes during the practice or on competitions. I knew I didn’t look that bad how he just described, but just because it’s him I really felt embarrassed like in old times and shocked at the same time. Before I even answered Victor stood up and we went together from the room and left the house. Just when he left me in the living room of the main house and asked to wait until he brings food, I came back to reality.

“Somehow it's still cute to see Victor running after you, even if he doesn’t remember a lot of things…” Phichit was kneeling at the table typing something on his computer, he smiled when I came in and tried to hide that he doesn’t see my red face after the cries. I know that he tried to be optimistic, but “a lot of things” is actually all our life together. I also slowly kneeled down at the table, Victor was so in hurry to bring food that he even didn’t notice Phichit or Otabek who was also sitting here, writing something in his notebook.

“When… when it happened?” I looked at Otabek, not really addressing to him, but I hope he just felt my look.

“After we landed in Hatsetsu.” He answered not even lifting his eyes from the notebook. “He fell asleep during the flight and woke up thinking that we are in Russia…” Otabek slowly closed the notebook and somehow looked at Phichit not at me. “You should have told him this.” He didn’t complain or shouted, but Phichit blushed.

“It’s not that easy… Yuuri is having a hard time also right now, I couldn’t just tell him every day more and more sad things…” Phichit took a deep breath before speaking and I understood that he is been waiting for so long to say this. “Like: you know Victor now thinks that it’s two thousand and thirteen and he doesn’t even remember you and then another day say: now Victor remembers until two thousand and eighteen. He is going crazy because you are not with him, let’s just run from the hospital… and-“

“Wait it’s not the first time he forgets?” I interrupted because Phichit could speak without stop for hours I also saw that this hurt for him. Phichit wasn’t like Otabek who could just sit with that calm face as if everything now is how it should be.

“No… it’s not the first… and we don’t know how it works. One second he is here and other… it’s him… but different and everything starts from the beginning.” Phichit moved closer to me and touched my shoulder, but I couldn’t move my eyes from the table. Great, just perfect. And how should I make history with this? “I am sorry, Yuuri, I really wanted to say this… but I didn’t know how. I don’t want to see you suffering…” while Phichit was speaking, I tried to shook my head and that way say that I understand, but my wish didn’t come true, I couldn’t move.

“Listen, just don’t get into depression, we all trying our best here. Every time we are trying to explain the situation as gently as we can… Victor understands, he is a smart person, but we can see that it’s hard for him and for us also to repeat everything and look how he is trying to be strong.” I tried to listen to Otabek’s words and nod for myself. He is right, everyone is trying so hard for him and for us. They came here because of us, stayed and all this time took care of Victor. “There is one good thing. Yurio doesn’t think that I should say this and give you hope, but I think it’s important… that until now the worst point was when Victor thought that it’s two thousand and thirteen… it was also just for a few hours… and the way he is now, already continues for two days. So I think is a good thing, no?” The last words made me finally look at Otabek and I saw him smiling. God… if he didn’t lose hope, so how can I give up? There are no limits to my selfishness, right?

“Is… that’s why you had a fight with Yurio?” I asked finally showing them a little bit concerns not just about my world, but also about my friends. Phichit looked at Otabek with opened mouth, I can’t believe that he didn’t see that those two had a fight.

“Beka you are fighting with Yurio again? Don’t tell me it’s about that thing…” Phichit rolled his eyes, but I still couldn’t understand should I feel worried about this or not really. And it’s not the first time? Don’t tell me it’s something serious…

“But I don’t want to buy that cat, do you understand? And what’s with that name for a cat?” Otabek closed his eyes and covered face with palms and I couldn’t believe what I just heard. A cat? They are having a fight because of the cat? What… it’s must be a joke….

“Is that the only thing you are fighting for…?” I asked still in shock. If only whole problems in the world would be like this… or not… or just my problems. I would give anything if Victor wouldn't want to talk with me because he doesn’t want to buy a cat, not because he doesn’t remember our love.

“Once I heard how they were fighting about cleaning…” Phichit said quietly like a secret to me. Is it possible to live like that, without real fights? Their life is so happy and shining all the time? I mean my life was also happy, but… I was living with Victor Nikiforov how else it could be? Well, from now on everything might change and I still can’t deal with this fact.

“What, Katsudon, our fights doesn’t seem serious enough for you?” Yurio came from the kitchen together with Victor and three of us just froze, Otabek moved his palms from the face and looked at Yurio. I knew that Otabek wasn’t mad at Yurio at all, but that blond fairy was able to get what he wants.

“He doesn’t look like sexy Katsudon at all…” Victor put the tray on the table with two bowls of hot Katsudon on it and kneeled in front of me. How much did he hear? That part where we talked about him? Or just the end?

“I am sorry… but the reasons for your fights are really funny.” first I looked at Victor, who enjoyed himself looking how I take the bowl from the tray and take chopsticks, and then I pointed my eyes at Yurio whose face started turning green as his eyes.

“Come… again…?” he stepped forward, but Otabek grabbed Yurio’s hand. We all knew that he can punch everyone except his beloved boyfriend.  
  
“Oh, I am sorry, I didn’t see you. I am Victor, nice to meet you.” The bubble of tension exploded when Victor, who really didn’t care at all about reasons of fights, smiled to Phichit. Oh really, I totally forgot that the first time they met with Phichit was before China’s cup in 2016.

“Sorry… sorry… I am Phichit, nice to meet you too.” Phichit smiled widely and didn’t seem confused at all when he had to present himself to Victor as he wasn’t one of the closest friends to us. Yurio also calmed down and now sat next to Otabek, but somehow managed to pretend that he doesn’t see him at all. Oh my God, Yurio… is that cat a magical one?

“It’s your laptop? Can I move it? We will have more space on the table.” At first, Phichit just nodded because he was too busy with his Katsudon bowl that Yurio brought, but then he suddenly flinched. Damn it, something is wrong with that computer, right? It was already too late, Victor was holding that thing in his hands with opened mouth. “Wow… you are good at this.” He said quietly, but really amazed. What is that?? Good at what? Otabek, who was sitting closest to Victor also looked at the laptop screen, but quickly moved back.

“What is there??” Yurio also tried to see, but Otabek didn’t let him move. I don’t have any idea what he saw, but it was enough for him and he didn't want Yurio to see the same.

“When whole Yuuri’s hot and big cock was in deep in Victor’s mouth… this part, I mean it’s good, but is my mouth that big or is Yuuri’s cock this small, I mean to take it all in you-“ he shut up, when I started choking, for God sake my face is burning. “Yuuri! Are you alright? Here, drink some water.” Everyone here after this took their roles, Otabek with a poker face and Yurio screaming from laughter, Phichit quickly grabbed his laptop from Victor’s hands and I was literally dying. It’s not just my face, my ears are also burning. Phichit… Phichit…

“Hahaha… it’s just a fanfiction… Yuuri… hahaha, you see even Victor is not mad…” Phichit tried to explain himself when after a few minutes I was already breathing normally, but that really got me so bad, that I was ready to use my chopstick not just for eating.

“Delete it now. Here and now.” I almost ordered, but Phichit hugged the laptop and shook his head. It’s just can’t be true, right? And how Victor don’t look like he cares at all?

“Yuuri… calm down, I mean… fans do things like that all the time…” Victor rubbed my shoulder and smiled, but he doesn’t understand at all. Phichit is not just a fan who sometimes writes fanfiction about his favorite couple, he is sick insane hamster leader of Victuuri who has whole army behind his back… “He even wrote that we are married, can you imagine?! You see it’s funny! You don’t have to take it so seriously.” Victor laughed, but when nobody said anything he looked around. This serious joke can be funny just to him at the time right like this.

“Well about that…” When Phichit started again, I just threw a pillow at him that way not letting him finish the sentence. Don’t you dare to say something more.

“Yes, you are married.” When Yurio said this even Phichit opened his mouth.

“Huh?” Otabek before was looking at us but now slowly turned his head at Yurio, but his lover didn’t look sorry at all.

“Oh no…” After my words, Victor just got up and walked out from the room. I could explain this just in one way… our friends are just like that… they know how to make a drama out of nothing. But you know… I didn’t ask a lot just a few more minutes of happiness. Damn it...

I didn’t follow Victor just because Phichit stayed with me all this time and repeated that if Victor left it means that he needs time. Victor never leaves just like that, if he doesn’t have a serious reason. He must be in shock and that’s the reason why he needs me. Just in case Seung-Gil was sitting outside right now, but Victor doesn’t remember his name, so how could he help? Victor must be really mad... why Yurio had to tell this? I didn’t expect from him this at all, but I swear the face he made after saying was the calmest in the world. After that, he went somewhere and Otabek also went after him, so I was left with my crazy best friend who can’t take care of hormones even at his age. We were sitting in silence, I was glad that he didn’t try to provoke me even more, but to be honest, there was no need, I could just feel how my inner clock counts down the last seconds of my patience.

“Yuuri, where are you going?” Phichit pointed his eyes at me when I stood up and started going towards the door. “Yuuuuuriii??? Where-“

“Toilet, mom. Seriously, do I look so suspicious?” When Phichit didn‘t answer anything, I quickly walked from the room. I understand that they are trying to protect us, but God damn it, no one can prohibit me to see my husband, we are not kids anymore. If they all think that they know what Victor needs, then they don't know anything. Do they think that after five days of living together with Victor they already know him very well? But they just don’t know… that after my experience with Victor I could write the whole trilogy with extra parts about him and it’s still not enough. But I knew one thing for sure, if Victor left and didn’t come back after ten minutes it means he is really mad about something.

The only thing is that I can’t go outside through the main door because Seung-Gil is there like a guardian dog and of course he would bark everything to Phichit, so I decided to leave through the back door and go around the building. Because of the trees, it will be really easy to reach our house window without capturing anyone’s attention. Lying in the hospital really have done something to me because earlier I would never think about the possibility of climbing through the window. When we reached Hatsetsu it was already evening, but now it was so dark that there was no point to hide, few times I almost fell because I couldn’t see what’s going on the ground, I grabbed on the house wall with one hand and with another on my side. I didn’t feel more pain than always, but somehow every time when there was any risk I grab on my side, not even thinking what I am doing. Maybe that way I am trying to protect myself?

“Yuuri? Is that you? Why are you hiding?” When I heard Victor’s voice I quickly lifted my head and saw him standing behind the opened window. That wasn’t in my plans, but maybe it's even better because I won’t have to climb like a kidnapper or something. His voice wasn’t mad, just surprised.

“Shhh… Seung-Gil might be standing next to the door.” I slowly walked closer until I was in front of him. The window was so big that Victor was just a little bit above than me. Even with my wound, I could get in really easily.

“Who is Seung-Gil?” for one second Victor looked at the direction where the entrance was, but I didn’t say anything. To look at him right now, when we are both more or less calm was a perfect moment for me. Seeing his beautiful face almost helped me feel relaxed and gave me strengths. “Anyway, what are you doing here, Yuuri?” he looked back at me and I quickly grabbed his hand which was lying on the windowsill before. He will listen to me.

“I thought that you are mad… because of what Yurio said.” I held on his fingers harder than I should have, but Victor didn’t try to move them. “This new must have scared you… because you think that we are not close… but…” I didn’t finish my sentence when Victor suddenly also pressed my fingers and looked me right into the eyes. I can’t breathe when he looks at me like that. This way of looking he has until nowadays and it works just on me.

“I didn’t get mad, alright?” he sighed and my heart which was beating painfully just a few seconds ago became lighter. “And I am not scared... But your reaction made me sad.” When he said this with another hand I grabbed on the windowsill and leaned forward. What? Sad? Sad because he is not free anymore? When he saw that I don’t understand Victor looked away, but I just pressed his hand harder. Tell me. “When Yurio said this your reaction was “Oh no…” why? Is it because I lost my memories and you didn’t want me to know the truth?” When Victor finally said the reason which made him sad, I pressed my lips harder. He understood everything wrong… he thinks that I am seeing his amnesia as some kind of chance to set myself free from our relationship. But damn it… it’s not true. I was just trying to protect… protect myself I guess. Those last memories about Victor’s reaction to our wedding still hurt and those rings that belong to him left an invisible but painful mark in my heart when Victor threw them at me. I guess… I was just afraid to feel that again. But I love him… I love our marriage… really. It’s just so hard…

“But… but how about you? Hearing this all of the sudden doesn’t make you feel… I don’t know… at least surprised?” For this kind of new Victor was really too calm, I mean he thought that we have just student – coach relationship and after learning who we truly are to each other he didn’t show any sign of panic.

“I am not stupid… from the moment when you entered the house, I understood that something is different. The way you were acting was enough proof for me.” I really wish I could react to things like he, but I was more impulsive and that anxiety I had inside always disturbed me to see things clearly. But not for Victor, he just finds solutions, he is so strong as a person. That’s one of the reasons why I respect him. “True, I didn’t think about marriage at first, but now it seems logic… just one question, if we are married, where are my ri-“ before he finished asking I quickly pulled his hand towards me and Victor had to lean forward. I lifted my head more and our lips met.

The last time I kissed Victor was when I said goodbye to him before the exam, almost eleven days passed since then, I lived through a lot of different emotions… I thought that he died and I almost died myself, then he refused to kiss me and I didn’t have another choice just live with memories of that last kiss he gave to me. The strong one, but not long… that time he kissed me not like always and now I will give him a respond. I can't explain in words what happened when we kissed, it was more like a simple touch, but my cheeks started heating and air in lungs became so heavy. Kissing with Victor always felt like a high-quality drug, but I have never felt this dizzy before. Is it because I was waiting for this so much? Just from this kind of kiss, my knees were trembling and I didn’t think that my legs could hold on for too long. I silently moaned trying to make this kiss into real one because I was too afraid to let him go, the fear of losing these feelings was too big. I wanted to feel more dizzy and I wanted my mouth to burn inside from the heat of his tongue. Victor opened his mouth first, his lips were like always so soft and a little bit wet, but the way he kissed is different. Of course, he is still the God of kisses and everything, but I already got used to those rough moves of his mouth. I totally forgot about this Victor whose touches were more like angel's, they were deep, but gentle like just with them he could set you free from all kind of problems you have. Now I remember why just kisses were more than enough for me back then because Victor made me totally melt without any kind of other efforts. I let the hot air from my mouth when his tongue slowly licked my lower lip.

“But… if not Yurio, you would have told me later the truth, right?” he silently asked not even moving his lips away from mine. My head was spinning and I loved this feeling, it’s like spinning on the ice just thousand times faster, I can’t think clearly when he is so close.

“No…” Somehow I was able to say it, even if I felt breathless. At the same second everything was over. I understood what I said, just after Victor let my hand go and stretched his back. Oh no… I said this unconsciously… I didn’t mean it that way.

“Goodnight, Yuuri.” He quickly closed the window and even curtains, leaving me to stand in the night with opened mouth. God damn it, Yuuri… where are your brains? In the ass? And Victor? Didn’t he feel the same I did? This kiss wasn’t just a simple one! He should have felt this!

“I found you, Yuuri!!” Phichit screamed when I came out from behind the house. “I knew this! Seung, how could you miss him?” Seung-Gil actually didn’t look really interested in this Phichit’s game. I bet he knew where I was all the time and the only reason why he agreed to stand here as guardian dog it’s because he loves Phichit, not because he thinks that I should stay away from Victor.

“I don’t know… maybe I just fell asleep while standing. Let’s go.” Seung-Gil sighed and walked into the main house while Phichit couldn’t decide should he stay here and say something more to me or should he walk after his lover and read a bedtime story. In the end, he chose the second one. Probably because of my face.

I couldn’t believe that I was so stupid. Of course, it’s like 100 percent that I wouldn’t have told Victor the truth because I was too scared of his reaction. I didn’t want to feel his anger before I make sure that he loves me the same… but for God sake, I could have just lied to him… it’s not that difficult, this Victor doesn’t know me that well so he wouldn’t be able to say if I am lying or not. But right… even a rock is a better liar than me… Let’s just hope that tomorrow he will let me explain everything. I went back to the living room and carried all those unfinished Katsudons back to the kitchen, where I met my mother and sister. We didn’t chat too long, but I let my mother hug me. After all, I really needed that hug… it wasn’t the right one and not from the person I really desired. But my mother was still one of those persons who somehow even without words could make me feel a little bit better. She also helped me to clean my old bedroom so I went to sleep there or at least to spend the night because sleeping was more like mission impossible… lately, all nights are like that. I covered my head with the blanket like in the hospital. It’s just around 6 hours until the sun comes out… To be honest because of the fear sometimes in the hospital I could even hear some sounds in the corridor at night and here I knew that somebody might be walking, but when I heard how door's opens I couldn’t help myself just curl up into a ball. God… I am not like a grown up man at all…

“Yuuri… why are you here alone… it’s so cold in this room.” Wait. I am dreaming or Victor is really here? I turned around and saw how he gets into the bed next to me. He was wearing just yukata and his legs were freezing cold. Just when Victor laid his head next to mine I understood that I am not dreaming.

“Victor… I thought… I thought that you got mad at me?” I slowly took a deep breath when he hugged me and his fingers got under my shirt, the feeling when he touched my back with his cool fingers tips made something chilly ran down my spine. Something… is not right… I couldn’t see his face really clear in the dark just general features, he pressed me against his body and my heart jumped from various emotions at the same time.

“Mad? Why? Yuuri, you left me alone in that bedroom… and what’s with that house? I have never seen it before. Why did you left me and came here to sleep alone? Did I drink too much again…?” he was silently complaining, but at the same time his voice was sweet and warm, with the tip of his nose, Victor gently rubbed my chin and then kissed it. Just from this move, my breathing got faster. My body started trembling first of all from fingertips when he didn’t stop those little kisses not just on my chin, but also on the cheek and then on the neck leaving there burning marks, full of sweetness and pleasure. But…

“Wait… wait... we need to tal-“

“There is no time for talks Yuuri… I want you too much. It’s your fault.” Victor quickly grabbed my waist and rolled on me, now because of the faint light through the window I could see his face more clearly. Victor had a smile on his face and his gaze was so strong, just this made me suddenly forget that he is not the same Victor I kissed a few hours ago. This Victor loves me more than anything else… this Victor is mine, he is totally crazy in love. I covered my mouth with palm, feeling how tears are making my eyes wet. It must be a dream… I mean… the doctor said that he can’t remember how he was after 2019… Unless…

“Love…” I said with shivering voice and touched his face, Victor closed his eyes and smiled right into my palm, kissed it. How to stop this sobbing that is coming from my chest. It’s so good to see him. He is the closest to my husband that I remember.

“You are beautiful when you cry because of love… can you cry for me more?” Victor slowly wiped one tear off my face with his thumb and put it into his mouth. “I don’t have any idea why… maybe it’s a full moon or something, but I have never seen you looking so beautiful before… I just fell in love again.” He silently laughed with this sound making me dizzy and so weak, that I could just lay and look at him. I can't... I can't live without him anymore. I can't.

“Victor…” my voice is even more silent than a silent spring wind.

“Say it again…” he asks and I am breathless again all I can do is exist for this moment.

“Victor…” I wrap my fingers around cloth of his yukata so hard that it even hurts, but feels so good. If it’s a dream, I don’t want to wake up.

“I guess… even more than half of year being together with you is not enough… I need to learn more about you. Show me, Yuuri… show me all of your sides.” He asked and I couldn’t resist. Even if deep in my heart I knew that this Victor thinks that it’s 2017, just a half a year after we started dating. But how? How can I resist to him, when his eyes give all the love I need? And his hands slowly makes my body melt? And my brains just turns off… I don’t care that it’s a lie and I don’t care that he doesn’t know who I am now. I can’t fight alone. I can't fight for our life without letting him in.


	13. Chapter 53. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Privet!
> 
> Oooh, nothing much to say :3  
> As you see, 25 chapters. This is the plan for now. But I don't know, everything might change as it changed thousand times in Between us :D  
> Oh and don't get into the panic because of the spoiler :D or actually, what I wanted to say is... before getting into the panic because of the spoiler just don't forget to think how much love this chapter had <3
> 
>  
> 
> That feeling when suddenly you come to the point where you can't surprise people anymore. And I understand. For everyone else who think that these series became boring, you don't have to write this in public, really. I know an easier solution (it will also save your and my time!!!) - just stop reading. I will finish this story anyway just for those who are still waiting and for myself also.  
> How do they say?  
> Haters gonna hate~  
> (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻  
> They see me rolling they hatin' trololololol
> 
>  
> 
> See you love you,  
> Vitavili~

Victor leaned forward until he was fully lying on me and gave me a small kiss on my cheek, that way collecting my tears. Of course, he couldn’t understand why I am crying, but Victor was perfect because even without words he just knew what I need. And I need him so much right now, I need his love and his passion for loving that way he could bring me back to life. After everything I need to remember what it means when you truly belong to Victor. He gave me another kiss now a little bit lower and I turned my head because I wanted for more. I truly forgot how it was back then when Victor liked teasing me before actually doing something… and I remember that I really needed a slow start, I wanted him to make me ready, I liked to be filled up with this love slowly until the fullest. But it was long ago and it’s not what I need now. That’s why when I quickly untied his yukata and made him take it off as fast as he could, Victor raised his head a little bit.

“You are impatient today… it’s like we didn’t have sex for a whole week.” He smiled, but I saw the excitement in Victor’s eyes. To be honest, it’s not a week… it’s been twenty-five days since we last had sex, of course, I am impatient. I raised my hands that Victor could take off the t-shirt I was sleeping with. It soon was in the same place on the ground as his yukata. When Victor slowly touched my chest I sighed from the pleasure and lifted my hips. That his hands are not moving I understood just after few minutes when my head stopped spinning from his first touch. “Yuuri… what is this?” Victor’s fingers were touching my bandage, I totally forgot about this one. No... not now.

“Later.” I grabbed his face and started kissing and at first, I saw how he is resisting, trying to say something, but I didn’t give him a chance to escape from my kiss. Victor had to give up because he was as same as me. I don’t remember when was the last time I had this strong erection. I swear it almost hurt, it was hard and pulsating, twitching, making the blood go through my veins so fast, that the temperature around me became just crazy. And Victor had to feel the same because even if he doesn’t remember, the body knows… it knows how much time have passed since we were so close to each other.

When I was sure that Victor won’t stop those kisses, with both of my hands I slid down his strong back until I reached butt cheeks. I knew all my favorite places on his body and when I finally have a chance to touch them all, I won’t miss a single part. I suddenly let my nails in Victor’s skin when his hand got under my pants. Victor’s fingers were a little bit cool, but when he wrapped them around my hard cock I thought I will explode at the same second.

“No… no… don’t move… or I will… I will… come.” This time I was the one who stopped the kiss, just because I didn’t want to come, not yet, but Victor didn’t listen to me. He started moving the hand and I pressed my forehead to his shoulder trying to hold back from moans, but I couldn’t stop my hips. They started moving on their own, together with Victor’s hand and just before reaching climax I grabbed on Victor’s butt even harder and we let the sounds out almost at the same time. I came so much, releasing everything on his hand and I was still hard. It’s not enough…

I was lying and trying to catch the air after this when Victor quickly removed my pants completely and I felt how he is putting one of his fingers into my ass. It was slippery and wet from my juices, but I could still feel this so well inside. Victor was kneeling between my legs and that’s why it was so easy for him to put my left leg on his shoulder that he could have a better view. My cheeks were burning from this, how he stares at my body reactions as it was some piece of art. Victor turned his head and kissed my trembling leg still holding it with his hand that I wouldn’t able to take it off. Victor started putting another finger in and with every, even the smallest inch getting deeper, it was harder for me to breath. I couldn’t hold on Victor anymore, so now the sheets under me were suffering. I swear one moment I thought I will rip them apart.

“It…i-t’s…. it’s…. eno-… it’s…”

“What, Yuuri?” even Victor like this was totally opposite from me. As I was almost choking because I couldn’t breathe from different emotions and feelings inside, Victor managed to stay totally calm. Until now I have this question, why… why he enjoys seeing me so opened so powerless in front of him. I couldn’t speak, but I still had to do something so I started reaching for Victor with both of my hands, I wanted to touch him… I wanted to touch him and I wanted him inside me.

I guess seeing me so helpless was too much even for him. Victor let go of my leg and I quickly wrapped both of them around his waist then he leaned back on me and our lips met. I could touch him, not just grab his hair but also explore this warm skin on his back and front, run through those abs and reach that one strong muscle. His cock was so hard I almost could feel how it’s twitching in my hands and I felt that it’s slippery from pre-cum.

“You want that?” he silently asked right into my burning cheek and I grabbed with one of the hands on Victor’s back. Oh, you… I can’t stand when he is such a bully. As if my body is not saying enough for him... as if his body doesn’t want the same. I opened my lips a little bit and let out the silent moan, nothing more. Everything inside my mouth was marked by Victor, I could feel his saliva and from this taste, I could feel how everything is getting dry… like without it, I couldn’t live. It was water, more than just necessary... I can’t exist without Victor's taste inside me.

“I wa… I wan… wa-nt… wa-nt…” his fingers were moving faster and faster inside me, and I couldn’t relax, all my body was shivering from the tense. Victor was waiting for a normal reply, but I just couldn’t, I couldn’t bare this bully anymore. I lifted my hips even more and placed the top of his cock next to my hole, there were still his fingers inside, but I didn’t care. I felt how Victor got surprised and pulled out his fingers then I didn’t have to wait anymore. I pressed Victor’s body with my legs and with one move he was all inside me. “AAAAAAHHH!!!!” That hurt like hell. It hurt so much that I couldn’t hold the scream and Victor couldn’t hold the gasp, I quickly covered my mouth with both hands because I knew what he will do now, but it still didn’t help. I would call this fucking, he grabbed my hips with one hand, another placed on the pillow and started moving, moving fast, rough and hard. He was fucking me and everything out of me. It was more surprise for Victor than for me. He didn’t know that he could fuck me like that, but I knew well this feeling. My body needed this.

“Yuuri… Yuuri…” he repeated my name over and over again moving his hips non-stop, putting his dick so deep inside me that all lower part of my body was on fire. “You feel amazing, Yuuri… you are so wonderful…” I could just nod still trying to keep my mouth shut, but actually, I was biting my hand in order not to shout. I bet there was someone who heard my scream, but I couldn’t let them hear more. There was just one place where I wanted to shout. I grabbed Victor’s face and started kissing him so hard that my lips began to hurt right away.

“Fa..st..e..r…. fas-ter…” I half moaned half asked into this mouth and he did it. I opened my eyes wide when Victor suddenly hit the spot and I bit his lip so hard also pressing him with my legs as strongly as I could. I heard his gasp again, this time with some additional sounds because my last actions made Victor come inside me and even while coming he just couldn’t stop thrusting inside me. From this feeling, I came again, even harder than the first time. I swear it was a total blackout for a second because I wasn’t breathing. I couldn't.

When I came back to my senses, I was lying without any strengths, and all my body was shivering from cold and heat at the same time, skin so slippery and wet from sweat. Victor was lying on top of me, holding his head on my chest, I could feel how his hot breathing gives my wet skin chills. I tried to move the hand and reach blanket, but I couldn’t, Victor was also not in the condition to do something about this. We were just both lying and catching air.

“Wow….” He finally said and I don’t know why this made me smile. I slowly moved my fingers until I touched his hair, they were also wet. I softly rubbed his head. “What was that…” I felt how Victor is smiling, but I also couldn’t answer. That was… I don’t know. That was the wildest scream of our bodies how much they need each other and if this doesn’t prove our connection then I don’t have any idea what will. “Yuuri… I have never seen you like that, but I loved it.” He lifted head and looked right into my eyes, the blue color which was darker now was shining like never, he looked sleepy and happy. This view squeezed my heart.

“I love you so much, Victor…” I silently said touching his cheek and nose, then lips with my fingertips, he gave me kiss on my fingers and then slowly licked them. I even didn’t need to hear his answer, I could read it from his face. The only thing I was afraid of… was to fall asleep because in the morning he might not remember any of this. And if this happens I wouldn’t be able to bear more. “… and I will always love you…” with my thumb I pressed Victor’s lower lip.

“No matter what. Sounds like from the love song.” He moved a little bit and rolled from me then started searching something on the ground, after finding what he wanted Victor laid his head next to mine, he was holding something in his hand, some paper. “You wanted to tell me something, right?” he didn’t let me ask what that is. Right… I have to explain him the situation. I am not sure where to start. I felt so good after all these emotions… how to tell everything without making him scared or worried?

“First… you have to know that…”

“I lost my memories, right?” he asked so casually, that I froze at the same second. What? WHAT? Did he remember? I turned my head that I could see his eyes and Victor was smiling, but not with the smile that would say that he remembers, it’s just he knew... somehow. “So it’s the truth…” he moved the hand with paper in it and gave it to me. “I found this when I woke up…” I quickly took it into my hands and sat on the bed that the light through the window would illuminate the paper sheet in my hand. It was a short note, but I recognized Victor’s writing right away.

 _I am Victor Nikiforov. I have lost my memories because of the earthquake in Tokyo 24th of April, 2023. If I am reading this, it means I lost my memories again. If I am reading and I don’t remember how I wrote this, it means it’s getting worse. It’s 2023, the beginning of May. Hatsetsu, Japan._  
  
After this, there was a fancy Victor’s signature that even I wasn't able to repeat. I read the note one time, and then another and I don’t know what hurt more, the fact that Victor had to write this note to himself or that I wasn’t mentioned in it. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and I saw how he is smiling while looking at me. He wasn’t worried at all. Why?

“I thought that I must be dreaming, you know… but it explains a lot.” He softly touched my hand and I slowly laid back next to him, Victor found a spot in my neck, his favorite spot when he breathed out the air it tickled.

“You don’t look worried at all.” I took his hand and pressed the fingers between mine. My heart is beating faster than Victor’s.

“I was… but then I came here and saw you. There is nothing to be worried about as long as you are here with me.” Victor gave me kiss on my neck. “Did you get hurt during the earthquake?” Now he asked again about my bandage on the chest and I nod, I mean I could have said something, but I couldn’t speak because my lips were trembling. Yes… I am here. With him. “Yuuri, tell me… why you are worried?” Victor grabbed my body and I had to turn on my side, he made me hug him with one of my legs, he pressed forehead to mine. I couldn't escape. No… if… he keeps looking at me like that… I wouldn’t be able to hold back my thoughts. “Tell me… Yuuri.” He asked with that voice and I sighed. It is true, I can’t keep this to myself… I…

“Because I am a trash. I left you in two thousand and nineteen and then came back in two thousand twenty-first, you took me back in and I thought that everything is alright, but then after you lost memories, I saw that actually you never forgave me for what I have done to you. And I can understand that… because I made you suffer, but I love you so much… and I can’t live knowing that you hate me. Today you love me, but I am so afraid that tomorrow you will wake up hating me again… I am so afraid.” It was more babbling than an actual explanation of the situation. I didn’t say any arguments or reasons, just my feels and it was so hard to express myself because we just had wonderful sex and now I am ruining everything. I was so afraid that I talked with my eyes closed. Even after one minute, there was silence so I finally opened one eye, then another. I couldn’t believe, Victor was smiling.

“I forgive you.” What? I blinked a few times, but Victor just gave me a kiss on my opened mouth. “Even if I don’t remember, I know myself too well… so I can say this for sure. If I took you back, that means I never really hated you, Yuuri. Even if I said something to you about hating…. It’s just because I hate myself, not you. You see… I am a person who loves or hates with everything I have. I can’t do both. Love has different sides… if you really left me without a good reason, then… I guess my love turned to panic because I couldn’t express it anymore… I loved without an answer so… it turned into depression and that way love turned around and became what you call hate. Which is actually not the real hate just love inside the darkness. Do you understand?” I was listening to this and tried to imagine everything in my head, but it was too twisted, I slowly shook my head that made Victor laugh silently. Are we talking about the same thing? “Alright… let’s say there is a Sun that gives a huge amount of light. But it couldn't shine if there was no… hmmm…”

“Katsudon.” I silently said the first word that came to my head.

“Let's say… Katsudon. So there is a Sun which gets power from Katsudon to shine. But then someone takes away Katsudon and the Sun doesn’t want to shine anymore. It tries so hard not to stop shining just to keep living, even if it’s painful, but that way it’s just slowly dying. So one day Sun just breaks and everything around turns into dark. So… there is no light, but the Sun is Sun, even if it stops shining, right?” As Victor was speaking, he slowly was sliding down my back with his fingers until he reached my ass. His voice was sweet and silent, as he was enjoying this strange story.

“But what if... when… Katsudon returns, Sun doesn’t want to shine again? Katsudon knows that he did wrong by leaving the Sun alone… but Sun just can’t shine because it doesn’t want to.” I tried to express myself thinking about the words. Let’s say that if I am Katsudon and Victor is Sun… then shining means our love.

“If Sun was shining once, it will shine again and soon as Katsudon will remind how it feels to shine. You can’t say no for shining…” He kissed my nose and I moved closer to Victor, even if there was no way I could be closer than now.

“But what if the sun… doesn’t want to remember. And it doesn’t care? What if it wants to delete the past?” I felt Victor’s heartbeat through my body it was strong and calm. He was sure of his words, but I still had too many questions.

“Are you sure that Katsudon wants the Sun to shine again?” he raised the brow and I opened the mouth from surprise. What’s with this question? Of course, I do. I just told him this.

“Of course.”

“Then your questions doesn’t make any sense. Katsudon is a power source. And Sun doesn’t have a choice.” I tried to understand what Victor tries to say with this, but this got harder because at the same time he started rubbing one of my butt cheeks. “Alright, let’s just say this simple. Yuuri, I need you. If you left me then it means you were having doubts about us. Ask this: did you truly forgave yourself for what have you done? Aren’t you the one who is running from the past?” Alright, maybe this makes sense, I was really running from our dark period because I didn’t want to think about suffering and until now I couldn’t forgive myself. But still…

“But… you said that you don’t love me anymore.” Why am I complaining now to this Victor? He doesn’t even remember anything… he won’t understand.

“I lied.” Actually, I didn’t expect this answer. Saying these words Victor made me forget that now one of the fingers slid down my butt cheek and pressed the asshole. “Didn’t you hear what I said? I can’t live without you. I already love you with everything I have. So I am sure I lied. I don’t know why you left me… but I love you. This will never change. It doesn’t matter that I tried to prove it differently. It doesn’t matter how many times I will break and how many times I will try to forget you or.... even if I tried to convince you that there is no love. The feeling… I can’t change it. It’s impossible.” I started trembling again when Victor pressed his finger harder to my asshole and slowly begin putting it in.

“Wait. I just understood something.” I didn’t mean him to stop his moves, but Victor did. How… why couldn't I understand this earlier? “You love me.” Now this thing was so obvious and it felt like I was in the shadows all the time and now sun came out. Finally.

“Basically that’s what I was saying…” Victor started kissing me, but I moved my head. I have to say something more.

“I mean… the real reason why you said those things to me in the hospital is because… you wanted me to feel the same pain, right? You wanted me to feel in your position, to feel your love through the pain, right? And when I asked you to kiss me, you refused because I didn’t feel your pain, I felt just mine. Like always… you tried to motivate me by shattering my heart. Oh, my… do you understand… Victor? You love me!! You always loved me! I was just too weak to see that… Jeez Christ. Victor, you love me. You love me.” I grabbed is face hard, started kissing lips and cheeks and chin, I hugged him with my leg harder and rolled on top, making Victor lay on his back. After letting all my thoughts out loud it felt so good, I started feeling so light, so happy. I wasn’t feeling so happy from the moment we left Russia. I wanted to jump on Victor and kiss, shout to the world that I finally understand the meaning of this.

“It sounds like me. Of course, I love you. Don’t you ever dare to think differently.” I guess my kisses or my happiness were making him giggle. But I just couldn’t help myself the real truth just set me free from all those chains and doubts I was having.

“I won’t… ever. I will show you my love. I won’t let you forget how much I love you. I will remind you this every day for the rest of our life.” His delicious skin under my lips and Victor’s touches after I understood everything made me feel different. I can’t believe how much it can change when you leave the anxiety behind.

“I know.” Victor was hard again and I also couldn’t hold back. I was just blessed to have this Victor with me. His pure love which just started to bloom was just too innocent so I knew that he was telling the truth. This Victor wasn’t able to lie for me and this Victor made me remember how it is easy to love. You see… actually, behind us, there is nothing. The only problems we have is the ones we create… Victor’s lost memories is not a problem. It’s opportunity. For me. For him. For us. Because we are strong together and the pain Victor is feeling inside can be healed… I just couldn’t understand how, but now I know. It’s me… The only answer for every question was me. I am the only one who can do this.  
That night we had sex at least two more times until our bodies just were too tired to move. And even after that I still couldn’t hold myself back from smiling and kissing him, touching Victor’s face and body. He just reminded me how it’s wonderful to be crazy in love.

In the morning I opened my eyes and memories from this night made me start smiling right away. Victor was sleeping next to me, looking so calm and young, one of his hands was hugging me and our legs were interwoven. I kissed his lips and waited, Victor didn’t move, then I kissed him again and I didn’t stop the kiss until I finally felt a response. First, it was sleepy but then got stronger and stronger until I felt that Victor is lying on top of me.

“Good morning, love.” Actually, I wasn’t afraid anymore of that moment if Victor wakes up thinking of different date, but somehow I felt warmer when I saw from his eyes that he remembers what happened last night. “We wake up like this every morning?” he asked giving me small kisses on my chin.

“Yes… “ I was smiling like a total helpless idiot, feeling how Victor’s love is going through me.

“I am the luckiest man on earth.” After Victor said that I hugged him as hard as I could and we started rolling in the bed, back and forward slowly kissing each other, getting our daily dose of this drug. It’s just incredible, this love is so soft… so gentle. I loved how Victor was able to give me chills just with his fingertips leaving marks on my body. I licked my lover’s lower lip and he did the same for me, then I slowly searched for Victor’s tongue inside his mouth with mine and it happily met me. It was more like a game than real kissing. Sharing the taste of each other. “How about a morning sex?” He asked me and I gave a silent moan instead of the answer. Just thinking about running Victor’s love through my body made me feel like a teen who feels excited because of every, even the smallest, thing. I lifted my hips when Victor started putting in his cock. Give me-

“YUURII!!!” The door suddenly opened and was thrown back to reality with such a force that I almost started to scream like a girl. Maybe I would have, but thank you, God, we were under the blanket. You know why people close the door? Because they want others to knock! But no… it just doesn't work for Phichit. The worst part of it that actually Victor was already inside me and now we were both staring at Phichit frozen. I had somehow hold back myself from moving my hips. Take it out take it out take it out. “Oh… sorry… did I disturb something? I… didn’t know that Victor would be here.” When none of us said a word Phichit again spoke. Now you can leave, right? Victor moved a little bit and that made me almost flinch. My face is burning, isn’t it?

“Phichit, is nice to see you here. But if you just cou…” From both of us, Victor was still in condition to speak, so even if he was surprised that Phichit is here, he just gave clear hint to get out. Maybe just for a few seconds or something… just… but he couldn’t finish the sentence because we heard another scream and the dog ran into the room. Makkachin happily ran towards us and jumped on the bed, to be more precisely he jumped right on Victor, that way he suddenly entered me, even more, deeper. And I started crying. Literally… I just... started crying.

“Makkachin… I am… so happy… to see… you….” Tears were floating down my cheeks likes two waterfalls of Niagara because this is the only thing I was able to do instead of screaming. Phichit next to the door was almost melting from this view. I know… Makka is here and everything… but I couldn’t think about the dog because Victor’s cock was getting deeper and deeper inside me with every jump of Makkachin and it made Victor’s body move like a bouncing ball. We were both with frozen faces, just Victor somehow was able to put all his feelings into one hand which now was squeezing the pillow next to my head so hard that even his fingers became blue. Poor Makka just couldn’t understand why we are not giving him attention. And... I was... just slowly... dying.

“Oh, he is up!!! Yuuri!!!” I honestly was so stupid when I thought that situation can't get worse, but then I saw how Alexey is entering the room, behind him was Ana. Oh no… please…. Just. Unlike Phichit’s face full of innocent happiness (actually, he was pure devil here), Alexey opened his mouth from astonishment, Ana wanted to say something but she saw my face and in one second became like Phichit.

“Surprise!!” So basically, when I thought that now it really can’t get worse because already three of my friends caught us in the middle of the sex, I heard this voice and… I… saw… Simon. “Oooooh.” OH??? YOU CAN JUST SAY OH???!!!! All this thing actually was lasting for just a few minutes, but to me, it turned into years and I could almost see how life is running before my eyes. Goodbye world. “How about we wait in corridor…”

“What’s going on?” There was Yurio voice, but luckily Simon just quickly dragged everyone out and closed the door before he came here.

“I want to die.” I cried out loud covering my face with palms.

“Well… at least we were under the blanket.” Victor just leaned on me, Makkachin finally stopped jumping, now he was lying next to us, wagging his tail, asking for attention. “It could have been worse. Good that you didn’t come in front of everyone.” When he puts like that… I started sobbing. Why he is not taking oooouuuttt???

That’s how the morning started. At that moment it was tragic, but I didn’t know what future held for us…

 

 

>   
>  **Spoiler. the end of chapter 54.**
> 
> **Message:** _Yuuri_ 4:34 p.m. JST  
>  Yuuri… are you really okay? Are you sure you want to be alone on the day like this? If only I could help you somehow. I can come together.
> 
> **Message:** _Yuuri <3_ 4:45 p.m. JST  
>  Please, Yuuri, don’t leave… we can figure something out. Maybe I can come with you? I don’t want you to be alone… please.
> 
> **Message:** _Victuuri Uke_ 4:51 p.m. JST  
>  Yuuri!! You can’t leave!!! It’s your anniversary, come back here, right now. NOW. I SAID NOW. It’s not funny at all!!
> 
> **Message:** _Katsuki Yuuri_ 4:52 p.m. JST  
>  I am really sorry that I wasn’t able to help. If you need anything just write me, alright?
> 
> **Message:** _Pork cutlet bowl_ 4:55 p.m. JST  
>  Fuck, Katsudon… I didn’t expect this from him… Sorry. I understand why you need time to be alone. Just don’t do anything stupid.
> 
> **Message:** Yuuri K. 4:55 p.m. JST  
>  You sure you will be fine alone?
> 
> **Message** : _Alexey; Ana; Phichit; Simon; Yurio; Otabek_ 5:10 p.m. JST  
>  Thank you, I am fine. I just need… this. See you in a few days. I am turning my phone off.

 


	14. Chapter 54. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~~
> 
> I have just one question are you ready for another chapter in the same construction as the chapter 28 about Hope? Because that's what you are getting in the next chapter <3
> 
> Btw, thanks for that huge amount of support I got after the last chapter. I love you all so much <3 This just would have been dropped so long ago if not you with me :3 <3
> 
> See ya,  
> Vitavili <3

What surprised me the most was that explain who is Simon and what he is doing here was not that hard. Victor nodded like he could remember that we really have a wonderful doctor friend. I didn’t explain all the details, just because we didn’t have time for that now. The worst part that Victor couldn’t believe that Alexey and Ana are here, even when I told him, that now we are really close, he was staring at me like I didn’t know some kind of secret, but in the end just shook his head. I got the feeling that I really don’t know something but couldn't ask about this. I could imagine how is hard for Victor, that’s why before leaving the room I took his hands and told that if he doesn’t want to talk with them or something, he doesn’t have to. I really didn’t know how to help him more in this situation, if it’s alright… he can look just at me. I didn’t know how serious Victor will take these words inside his heart. When we finally got out from the bedroom and went to the living room where everybody was waiting for us, the situation was really awkward, mostly because I kneeled on the floor and Victor sat not next to me, but behind me, placing me between his legs and wrapping his arms around my waist. It was impossible not to blush after seeing the Phichit’s face when we came in, but now even more… I wish that the reactions would be a little bit more… I don’t know… mature maybe.

“Sooo… how are you doing both? Looks good.” After few moments of that strange silence where the only sound was Phichit’s giggling Simon spoke. Yurio, Otabek and Seung-Gil were not here so less embarrassment for me.

“We are doing wonderful, Yuuri’s doctor friend.” Victor smiled and put his chin on my shoulder. Is it strange that my heart just jumped after Victor’s words? It’s beating crazy like never, I was trying not to think that it might be just a temporary thing. I have to put all these beautiful words into my heart, that I would have them if something turns out bad again.

“…Simon.” I turned my head and said to Victor quietly. Simon didn’t look mad about that, but I was sure that I told Victor his name like ten minutes ago.

“I know.” Victor caught the moment before me turning head back and gave me a small kiss on my cheek, this is so sweet… really, somehow when we started living together everything became different. I mean we were still cuddling a lot and everything, but not like that… this innocent sweetness was so precious as a memory and now I can feel it again. It takes me back to those times when getting into Grand Prix final was the only problem we had. I don’t know why suddenly grabbed Victor’s hand, my fingers were trembling.

“I just can’t!! Please, let me take a picture!!” Phichit shouted and took out his phone from the pocket. To be honest, after Victor smiled giving a permission this way, I wasn’t able to do anything. I am sure that Phichit took more than one picture, then he quickly jumped to his feet and ran from the living room calling Seung-Gil. Victor pressed me harder in his arms. I think that behind this sweetness of his there was some kind of fear, I am sure that after seeing this situation Victor understood that he doesn’t remember a lot of things.

“I will bring something for breakfast.” He gave me a small kiss on my hair and got up, Makkachin followed him to the kitchen. I think after everything Makka won’t leave us alone even for a second. I couldn’t help just notice that our poodle looks somehow smaller than he was before. My poor baby.

“Yuuri… It’s so hard to see Victor like this, he really doesn’t remember..?” Ana jumped to her feet and came to me. I shook my head and looked at Simon, he was thinking about something. I mean… it’s not that he came here without reason, right? “I am sorry that I didn’t call you… I feel so bad about everything, it’s just…” she was standing next to me trying to pick the words, but to be honest it wasn’t the time for more drama, so I just took her hand and pressed fingers.

“It’s alright… I am just sorry that you had to get back for such a reason.” Ana didn’t change at all, just her hair got longer, but she was still skinny and graceful. I wonder if she looked the same after she got back from the Paris. Like really, almost the first thing I saw when we came into the living room is that Alexey’s blue eyes were alive again. That’s why I wasn’t so worried about them.

“Yuuuuuriiii… jeez, I miss your butt so much…” she suddenly jumped on me and squeezed like a teddy bear. Sorry, my what? Oh, my... “I was having the feeling that something is wrong… when Alexey called me and told that you and Victor are missing, that almost killed me. I was crying so hard… I won’t ignore you ever again. I was so selfish…” I grabbed Ana’s shoulder when she squeezed me more, making me almost gasp from the pain. Yeah, I can really feel her love right now, but my side…

“Ana, let him go… I told you that Yuuri was injured during the earthquake.” Finally, Alexey spoke from the other side of the table and she quickly let me go and covered her mouth. “Come… squeeze me.” Everyone knows that when Ana needs a hug it’s impossible to stop her and when she went right into Alexey’s opened arms everything was already clear for me about them.

“You want me to take a look at this?” Simon asked looking how I hold on my side, I didn’t want everyone to see that it hurts, especially Victor… but to be honest, after yesterday’s few rounds of sex it was already getting worse. When I saw Simon I already thought about the possibility for him to check this.

“Yes… that would be a great idea.” I stood up and felt how Alexey is staring at me. “Just tell Victor that I need to change the bandage and I will be right back.” Actually, Victor was one of the reasons I wanted to talk with Simon and my injury was a really good motive to leave now. Simon, of course, got the hint right. As for twins, they will have to deal with Victor somehow. The past is chasing after every of us right now, If I got the courage to face it, now it’s their turn.

We went to the bathroom and I sat on the corner of the bath, Simon sighed giving me a few minutes. I don’t know how I found strengths to speak in front of him about this. Maybe because he was a doctor or maybe… because he was also Japanese and even if I know English very well but expressing feelings in my own language was still better.

“Simon… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how long I will be able to bare this. Nobody explained me anything… and Victor is like a bomb which might explode every minute. Yesterday he thought that it’s two thousand and sixteen, but then it suddenly changed into two thousand and seventeen. And he forgot everything about yesterday.” I started speaking fast, like these minutes were the last for me, but actually, I was just glad that finally, I can speak about this loudly. “What next? What if he wakes up thinking that he is a child? How will I explain him everything? I know it’s hard for him… and the worst part that I can’t do anything about this. You saw how he was trying not to show the confusion? But imagine… waking up and seeing that you got older, that there are people around you saying that they are your friends… but you actually don’t remember them. What can I do to help him? How?” I grabbed my hair and slowly slid down the face, strange feeling inside my throat reminded me that actually, I can't get out of my anxiety.

“First of all, you have to stay calm, at least in front of him. If Victor sees you getting worried then he will feel even worse. Lift your hands.” I looked at Simon, who was standing in front of me. He is like always, stays professional, I never saw how Simon lets himself be wrapped in feelings. I took a deep breath and did what he asked, he took off my t-shirt and perfectly pretended that he doesn’t see all those bit marks on my chest that Victor left this night. “I have talked about this with some of my friends before coming here... so Victor’s situation is different than it was yours, at some point, it’s even worse… but…” Simon took off the bandage off my chest and the plaster off the injury then turned around to search something in the small storage in the corner. I think he already was here and knew where to search.

“But what?” I asked looking at his back, why he is not saying everything right away. Simon is always sure about his words. So what now? There is no way to make everything better?

“A shock… he needs to get a huge shock. The same that happened to you... that might help. I mean, remember how you got back memories? After reading those letters, right? And then the shock you got from Oleg.” After Simon said this name, I couldn’t help myself, just tremble. My friend was still standing with a back turned at me, so he didn’t see this. Should I tell him about my nightmares?

“You mean…” I tried to hide the fear in my voice, that’s why I coughed few times before continuing this. “I need to scare Victor somehow...? Don’t you think it’s a little bit… harsh? I mean, we don’t know if this works.” I couldn’t imagine me doing something to scare him… I can’t cause him pain on purpose.

“You are right, that’s why I didn’t tell you this right away.” Simon turned around with some stuff in his hands and sat on the small chair in front of me. “That’s why I thought that… we should just talk with him. I mean, patience is the only thing that can help us now. Let’s try telling him stories about the past, some moments. Yurio told me, that once Victor thought that it’s two thousand and nineteen… before it happens again, we have to try to change something. Now is our chance because this Victor wants to remember. Yuuri, you have to be strong, alright? I will help as much as I can, but if you break then everything will go in vain.” I held my breath when Simon started doing something for wound disinfection, I couldn’t look so I turned my head. But he had a point. Now Victor wants to remember and we have to try. Now that I am here, it might work.

“Okay… I can do this. For us.” I nod more for myself than for Simon. Maybe I will have to live through some painful memories again, but I already decided that I will stop running from the past, I will face it. “Thank you for coming here, Simon.”

“Oh, stop it. I wanted to come with Yurio, but I had to find someone who could replace me in the hospital.” He placed the new plaster on the wound and stood up. “It looks good enough, I won’t put the bandage again. Let’s go, or your husband will think that I am raping you or something.” He smiled at me and threw into the bin used stuff. I put my t-shirt again but still didn’t get up. “Yuuri?” Simon looked at me already holding opened door.

“I am having nightmares about… that day when I was kidnapped.” I said quietly… I can’t say this to Victor right now, but if I keep this for myself it will get worse. “When I am alone at the night time, I can see him standing next to the bed… that’s why I can't fall asleep. This night was the first I normally slept after the earthquake, and just because Victor was with me.” I didn’t raise my head, but I heard how Simon closes the door and comes to me.

“That’s… bad, Yuuri.” Somehow I knew that he will say this. “It started after the earthquake?” he asked and touched my shoulder. “And I already thought that you look so bad because of the stress…”

“Actually… after Victor said that he doesn’t want to be with me…” I sighed and looked at Simon. I knew what he was thinking. Actually, I didn’t go to depression after I got my memories back because Victor was always with, he was protecting me from bad feelings and he was always there for me to cry. I was feeling safe, but now… even if I decided not to run from the past, but this would be too much.

“I won’t lie… I was a little bit scared of this moment. It’s not that I thought that you will break up with Victor one day. But I there was always the feeling… what if. There is just one solution… you have to live through that again, alone. I know this will be hard, but try not to hide when you see him again in the dark, alright? And you will see that everything is just an illusion. Your fear is just a mirage. You are stronger than this.” He rubbed my hair and then walked again back to the door. He was thinking about me too good. I wasn’t that brave. I need my Victor back because I will break into thousand pieces. I know that Simon wanted the best for me, like always… but it’s been a long time since I can’t be alone and strong without Victor next to me. It’s like Simon tried to prepare me for the worst… that one day I might lose Victor without a way back, right?

When we came back to the living room Victor was eating noodles and twins were sitting with frozen faces. I didn’t hear anything bad, but I guess my lover told them something not very nice. Makkachin was lying next to Victor and after seeing me started wagging the tail.

“Everything is alright?” I asked kneeling next to the Victor and he smiled at me, but before that quickly looked at twins. I took a small sandwich into my hand and took a bite. It’s like I haven’t been eating for ages.

“Yeeeees…” Ana made this into one long sound. She will explode in three… two… one... “IT’S JUST VICTOR SAID THAT WE CAN’T TOUCH YOU!!!” she burst into tears and Alexey flinched at the same time as I started to laugh. Oh jeez, it really reminds me of the first time I saw Ana and when she gave me the kiss, I can still remember how Victor had to take her away from me. Well, I could agree at some point because Ana loved grabbing places I really didn’t want to be touched by her, but why Alexey? “It’s not funny, Yuuri!!” she started reaching for me with her hands, but Victor quickly grabbed me into his arms and I almost choked with that bite I had in my mouth.

“Vict-“ I couldn’t finish this, because Victor pressed his lips to mine, putting his tongue in my mouth and I instinctively grabbed on his shirt. I don’t have enough strengths to get away from this. And it’s not like I wanted that. Shit, I am getting dizzy from this feeling… and I don’t care that three people are staring at us.

“Oh God, get a room!!!” just this voice could make me get back into reality. Victor ended the kiss and I was catching air, holding on my chest. What… just… Yurio was standing next to the table with Otabek behind him showing thumb to me.

“And what you will do? Get out your knife shoes? Or are you just jealous because Otabek doesn’t kiss you like that?” Victor put the elbow on the table and placed chin on his palm. Knife shoes… right… oh my, this is such an old thing, right? And real Victor was already so much calmer than this one.

“Oooooh….” Ana covered her mouth with fingertips. She suddenly turned happy because someone’s situation got worse than her's. Otabek’s eyes got wide and he slowly shook his head, when Yurio opened his mouth from astonishment.

“I am sorry, Nikiforov, but-“

“Oh, baby, you don’t have to be sorry. I am not mad.” Victor was still with that smile on his face, totally calm, he was just enjoying himself seeing how Yurio’s face is changing colors. The funniest part that nobody can be mad at Victor because he doesn’t have some memories… but still.

“Fuck, are you—“

“Making fun of you? Maybe.” Before Yurio jumped on Victor I stood up and Otabek grabbed Yurio’s hands.

“Calm down…” Beka silently said, but everyone here was sitting so quietly as we were in the funeral, so there was not trouble to hear him. Yurio was trying to see Victor through my shoulder, but he was too short.

“But he is piss-“

“We can buy that cat.” Even if it was the third time when Yurio got interrupted, but this time his face suddenly turned from angry one to an angel’s. It’s just amazing, just in one second his eyes got big and so bright green and he turned around at Otabek with a big smile. Oh God… when was the last time I saw this smile? I bet even Victor got surprised.

“Reaaaallly??” he took Otabek’s hand and pressed his fingers. “Wait… isn’t this just a distraction from…” before Yurio finally understood that it’s exactly what is happening, Otabek hugged him and started going towards their room.

“You own me…” Otabek said to me just with his lips before turning around.

“Ice ice baby.” Phichit came in late, but as always ended up the situation in his style.

* * *

**3 days until the anniversary**

* * *

 

I started believing that magic really exists. First time I got this feeling was after two days when Simon and others arrived. Victor got up in the morning and his first word was “Shuusei”, I swear at that moment I almost got a heart attack. I started looking around in a panic because this topic about Shuusei was still so painful and everything was just frozen. At that moment I was checking the last things on the computer about my anniversary present for Victor so that’s why he got me unprepared. I was like “What the hell??” and just then I saw Victor sitting in the bed with his eyes opened wide, I understood that he is the one who said this. In the end, I learned that he doesn’t remember who exactly Shuusei is, just the name that got stuck in his head somehow. And it was the first sign of Victor getting better. Simon was just born for miracles, stories about our past together really worked, especially photos. After few days we got our suitcase that we left in the hotel in Tokyo. So with our stuff I got my laptop back. The only strange thing was that the key from the hotel the room was gone somewhere… I don’t remember if Victor or me had it on that day. Obviously, we lost it. In the suitcase I found my passport, it’s good that I didn’t take it with myself, so there was no need to make a new one. Victor also got a document, it was sent to us by Russian embassy in Japan, a temporary one, he will have to make a new passport after we go back to Russia.

I don’t know why the story that Victor loved the most about us was the one where we had sex for the first time after getting back together in 2019. He made me tell it like four or five times, all the time giggling like a teen. I think even if he made me tell this thousand times I would still blush. “Strawberries… strawberries…” he was repeating while listening to this and after it told me that when he closes eyes, he can see how he spreads the lubricant all over my body. I don’t know, Victor just knew how to make me feel like a newbie in this kind of thing. There was still some things that I couldn’t get over to tell him… for example kidnapping. Somehow I just couldn’t... so obviously I couldn’t tell the story about my lost memories, but for now, Victor was happy with those memories he was able to remember. Also, I didn’t tell him about our wedding, I was planning to do that on our anniversary day also, give him back the rings (I also took off mine) and that moment was getting closer and closer. I even didn’t feel so nervous on our actual wedding day. But the fact that Victor wasn’t losing his memories anymore, made me stronger. Yesterday he even told me: “I would like to see you dancing Primavera again. Just for me.” – these words made me start crying, actually this week was full of crying, but finally from happiness not from pain. My husband is slowly returning to my arms and I did everything by myself, now he is truly mine.

“… so when I saw you lying in the hospital, I thought I will die from the pain.” We were walking together from the ice castle holding hands and I was telling the story about Victor’s operation. Since my surprise for anniversary has to be told today, I can’t hold back anymore. Victor sadly looked at me and lifted my hand, kissed fingers. He was so cute, even those sad stories I told him couldn’t break this cute part of his.

I suddenly stopped making him also to stop, we were next to the park, just a few minutes from our home. Victor leaned forward and started kissing me, first of all slowly, but then kiss started getting more and more deeper. I let go of my bag I was holding and one hand wrapped around his neck the other one pressed the rings inside the pocket of my jacket. It was bright outside, but I wasn’t scared that someone might see us. And after that morning when our friends caught us having sex I am not scared anymore at all. Really, it can’t get worse. With one hand Victor grabbed my waist and with another slid down my side on my hips and slowly touched the crotch. After I moaned right into his mouth he stepped into the shadows and pressed me against the tree. Hahaha… it really reminded me of that time in Sochi. Oh, even thinking about this makes me excited. He was gently rubbing that place with his fingers and my breathing got faster. I am so much braver right now… but I am not sure if I have enough courage to have sex in the place like this. But who I am to push away this sexy God? I took out my hand from the pocket and touched his abs under his shirt. Victor felt that I am holding something in my hand and that made him stop the kiss and look down. I opened my palm and showed him the rings.

“We… are married… after three days we will have our first anniversary. So… I want us together to go… Victor?” I started talking feeling how my cheeks are getting red, we were both looking at rings in my hands, at least that what I thought, but when I lifted my hand I saw that Victor is standing still with his eyes closed. That made me stop. “Love..? What is it?” Don’t tell me, that it’s too hard for him to accept this fact? Or maybe he is happy?

“I… feel… sick…” he said so quietly that I couldn’t understand, but then he suddenly pushed me away from him and turned around, leaned forward and started vomiting at them same time grabbing with his hand on the head. Did he get sick from the pain? I knew that it hurts for him, but he always said that the pain is not that bad.

“Oh my God… love… hold on…” I didn’t know what to do. Victor didn’t have long hair, so don’t have to hold them, but I wanted to do so. I wanted him to feel my touch. His face was burning, but I couldn’t tell for sure because as soon as I touched it with my fingertips, Victor grabbed my wrist with his hand so strong that I even flinched. “Victor… it hurts…” I mean, I could have held the pain if he really needs to press my hand, but that was just too much, my hand started getting numb. He wasn’t vomiting already, just standing a little bit leaned forward and breathing heavily.

“Get out of here…” his voice was harder than ice and I felt like falling, especially when he suddenly pushed me again from himself, this time so hard, that I wasn’t able to hold on my feet, so I fell hitting my butt pretty hard on the hard ground.

“No…” I was still sitting on the ground and my lips were trembling because I understood what happened, but this time was different, I already had a lot of days to get mentally prepared for this minute. Victor didn’t turn around he just let the sound of pain and grabbed his hair harder. “You will let me speak. All these days you were with me thinking that it’s two thousand and seventeen and…”

“I KNOW!!” he screamed and I gasped. What? He knows? “I remember, alright?! That’s why I got sick… remembering all those things we did and all those things you said to me… God damn it. I can’t believe..” that’s something new. Victor obviously was again in two thousand and nineteen, but this time he remembers everything that happened? Oh… it works… it works… he is getting his memories back.

“Then you also know what you said to me… that you don’t hate me. That you love me. You know that yourself, right?” Victor turned around and started going still holding on his head, leaving bags behind. He was running way, but not this time. I will make him admit everything. I jumped on my feet and grabbed his hand, that way making him stop. “You can say that you hate me and that I broke your heart and left you without anything but I also know how it feels! You told me yourself that you love me, and it’s impossible to change that. Victor, don’t be blind. You are not like that… you have to admit this. You are bett-“

“You… you don’t know anything.” He didn’t shout at me and he turned around, the view I saw killed me, Victor was holding on the head, his fingers were shivering and I saw tears in his eyes. Tears of anger, pain and sadness. I will break him, I will. “You think that you know… but you don’t. You don’t have any idea how it feels to be left outside alone… you don’t know how it feels to be broken and empty… you don’t know how cold it was… it was so cold and dark…” he closed his eyes and started crying, really crying from the bottom of his heart and that broke me, not him. I jumped on him wrapped my arms around Victor’s neck and we both kneeled in the middle of the path.

“I know… because it also hurt for me… it hur-“

“It didn’t.” he tried to push me away with one of his hands, but I didn’t let him go.

“It was cold and dark for me… that’s why I need you. I need back my Sun.” Victor was still holding his palm against my chest, but I just pressed him harder even grabbing on his shirt, he will have to rip them away with me if he wants me to let him go.

“You are thinking about yourself… like always.” He was still sobbing, actually, it’s the first time in my life when I heard him sobbing so loud, but Victor was in so much pain that he couldn’t hold back. I shook my head.

“You also need me… you need me mor-“

“Zatknis'!” (Shut up!) to be honest I wasn’t expecting this from him. I mean, not that he shouted at me in Russian, but that he really used a huge force to get rid of me. Victor grabbed my hair and pulled me back. I again fell on the ground this made me cover my mouth with palm. Yuuri, you can’t cry right now… you can’t.  
  
“What the hell are you doing???” Yurio showed himself like always at the most perfect and the worst moment. He was going with Otabek from the ice castle and of course saw every moment of this drama. He was running towards us and stopped just a few steps from me. Otabek came closer and helped me to stand up, Victor was still sitting on the ground. “It’s just enough for me!! I can’t believe. You are pissing me off so much and now I will finally tell you everything, even if I have to make you listen by force.” Yurio looked how Victor slowly stood up, but Yurio couldn’t see how much pain Victor is feeling at the moment. The pain is controlling him now… it’s not him.

“Yurio… please, you don’t need to do this.” I was still holding on Otabek because my legs were trembling. I didn’t know what that blond want to tell for Victor, but there is no need. We need to talk normally if we just shout at each other then…

“No, Katsudon, this time he will hear me out. Because I won’t deal with this dark princess anymore! You think you are the only one who can feel the fucking pain, right?” Yurio pointed his finger at Victor, but that one wasn’t even looking at him. “But you don’t have any idea about the darkness Yuuri had to go through because of your happiness!” there was no need to shout so hard that all the street could hear, but that’s how Yurio liked to speak, he will make every neighbor come here.

“Yurio… no—“ I tried to interpret.

“Shut up, pig. I am not talking about his broken leg and those operations he had to take that he could walk again and come back to you. How about the fact that he was kidnaped and tortured, almost raped and killed by some crazy doctor and because of the shock he had total amnesia. But you know what? He didn’t leave you! He stayed with you until the last second until he remembered everything. But you, bitch! You say that Yuuri is selfish? Well, not! You are the worst, Nikiforov, thinking just about your own problems!! Will your ass burn out if you just hear him out?! I just can’t… I want to punch you so bad right now!!” he was shouting and shouting, making me flinch, but Victor was standing there like a rock.

“It’s not his fault… Yurio... For Victor, it’s so hard… he doesn’t remember… I know how it feels.” I let go of Otabek and stepped forward. I had to protect my lover, because… I didn’t want Victor to blame himself for that accident with... Oleg. It’s not his fault at all. He was the one who helped me remember, Yurio just went too far with this.

“Pochti iznasiloval… ne schitayetsya.” (Almost raped… doesn’t count.) After few seconds of silence, Victor’s words were like a hard sharp knife right into my heart. After this I started hearing some strange sound inside my head, it was annoying and it made me press my lips hard. I forgot how to cry, I forgot how to feel and I even forgot that these words were said in Russian.

“Chto ty skazal?” (You said what?) Yurio stepped towards Victor, but I held him with my hand and stepped forward myself. He asked for this. I didn’t want to do this at first, but now… really, this stupid asshole version of Victor won’t make me the fun of me. I won’t let this. It doesn’t matter that I love him with all my heart and actually I am bleeding inside so much right now, but…

“Yest' chto-to ya khotel sdelat…” (There is something I wanted to do…) Finally, Victor lifted his head and looked at me with big eyes. I still can surprise him, right? He didn’t know that I speak Russian. I will make him surprised until the end. “…s togo momenta, kogda ty skazal mne v bol'nitse, chto ty nenavidish' menya…” (…from that moment, when you told me in hospital that you hate me). To be honest, I thought that I will never have enough strength to do that, but… if he has the strength to hurt me this bad, I can do this. He didn’t answer anything. Just looked at me with the same eyes. Will I shout at him? Will I run away? I will say that I give up and I give him freedom? Not. Not that simple. “Prosnis', Nikiforov!” (Wake up, Nikiforov!) My words went together with the smack right into his perfect face. “Spasibo.” (Thank you.) I went through him towards the house. Or no, wait, before leaving I have to say everything. “Come back, when you get back to my husband. Until then, go and fuck yourself.” I am sorry, I didn’t mean to say that to be honest, these words were not truth, but I just couldn’t hold myself. Because I was so hurt and angry. The fuck, the person who really loves you, doesn’t say something like that. Would he really want to see me raped? I left everyone with opened mouth and Victor holding on his cheek. I even lost our rings somewhere on the grass… but right, I was so selfish at this moment, that I couldn’t think about anything else.

I entered the main house and went straight into my room where I left my new phone. I took just it, my passport and the credit card. Perfect, I will just do anniversary present for myself. He is not getting anything from me. Let him stay here, with his bad depression. I am done. I am so done… I was trying so hard all these days, I truly did everything for him and now everything was really in vain. Because he just doesn’t care! Oh just great… perfect, you know what. I also don’t care. I don’t care at all what happens to him. I wanted to open the door, but I heard voices in the corridor so it made me stop.

“… don’t you think you are too cute?” it was Alexey voice, at least someone is happy here. Move faster from the corridor.

“I think I was just dumb because I thought that I might live without you.” There was a smile in Ana’s voice, I could almost see how she is shining at this moment, but my frozen face didn’t show any emotions.

“How about your boyfriend?” Alexey laughed and I heard how Ana gasped when he did something to her.

“I lied about him… because I wanted you to be jealous.” After few seconds of silence I heard how he screams, but not from fear… it was more like a happy scream and actually, I couldn’t listen to this anymore. Not now. I opened the door and went into the corridor. They were both standing in the middle of it and Ana was hanging on Alexey’s shoulder. She saw me.

“Yuuri! Let me go, you perv.” She pushed Alexey and jumped down before they were speaking in Russian, but now she changed back to English. Smiles on their faces were gone just in few seconds after they saw my face.

“Hey… what’s up? Is everything alright?” Alexey stepped towards me, but I didn’t move. Two people looking like Victor is the last thing I need right now.

“I am leaving. Please, tell my mother or sister, that I will be back on Thursday.” I turned around and started walking towards the door.

“What? What happened? Did you have a fight with Victor??” Ana started running after me, but I was already outside, quickly walking to the bus stop. I guess I was just lucky to get in the time because I saw the bus coming.

“Yuuri! Waaaaait.” Alexey also ran to me, but when the bus stopped and I got in neither of them got together with me. The door closed and I still was standing there with a frozen face. Soon I couldn’t see them. I started to cry just when I was already on the other bus which was going towards the airport. And as soon as I started to cry I just couldn’t stop, not even after I got into the plane which was flying to Osaka, neither when I was already waiting for my flight there. My hands were trembling and all my face was red from cries, but I felt like I just lost the last drop of my blood. I just don’t want to have my first anniversary with Victor like this… I don’t want to. I want to have happy memories, but… it’s impossible if I stay here. So I must leave… just for a few days… and then I will come back. Really… I will come back and try again. But today it just hurt too much. I am sorry, Victor. I wasn’t brave enough, I wasn’t strong enough to help you. Who I tried to trick? I am nothing... I am breaking too fast. I just can't even live with the thought that I will have to do everything from the start. And I hit him right in the face... now Victor will never forgive me. I should have just taken Victor to the airport as I planned and just then tell everything… but now I am going there alone and the seat in the plane next to me will be empty.

 **Message:** _Yuuri_ 4:34 p.m. JST  
Yuuri… are you really okay? Are you sure you want to be alone on the day like this? If only I could help you somehow. I can come together.

 **Message:** _Yuuri <3_ 4:45 p.m. JST  
Please, Yuuri, don’t leave… we can figure something out. Maybe I can come with you? I don’t want you to be alone… please.

 **Message:** _Victuuri Uk_ e 4:51 p.m. JST  
Yuuri!! You can’t leave!!! It’s your anniversary, come back here, right now. NOW. I SAID NOW. It’s not funny at all!!

 **Message:** _Katsuki Yuuri_ 4:52 p.m. JST  
I am really sorry that I wasn’t able to help. If you need anything just write me, alright?

 **Message** : _Pork cutlet bowl_ 4:55 p.m. JST  
Fuck, Katsudon… I didn’t expect this from him… Sorry. I understand why you need time to be alone. Just don’t do anything stupid.

 **Message:** _Yuuri K._ 4:55 p.m. JST  
You sure you will be fine alone?

 **Message** : _Alexey; Ana; Phichit; Simon; Yurio; Otabek_ 5:10 p.m. JST  
Thank you, I am fine. I just need… this. See you in a few days. I am turning my phone off.

“The gates of the flight number 55663 to Barcelona are closing in ten minutes.” I was sitting for so long just looking at one spot and letting tears just take every last drop of water from me, that I almost missed my flight. I slowly got up from the chair I was sitting on and walked to the gates, showed my passport and ticket which I had on my phone. Before entering the plane I looked at those messages one more time. Actually, I answered them when I was still in Hatsetsu but neither of my friends wrote me again, they were sure that I turned it off right away. Maybe this way is even better. After the screen got black I put the phone in the pocket of my jeans.

 


	15. Anniversary. Part 1. Yuuri

When I landed in Barcelona it was raining. The weather perfectly represented my emotions. The strong and cold wind made everyone run faster towards taxi or even wait inside until the storm calms down, but of course not for me. That moment when it got clear for me that I am in Barcelona, I was standing next to airport door fully wet. I even turned my head a little bit, like hoping that someone (and I really knew who) will come after me, but there was no one. My flight was long, I had two transfer flights, I even had to sleep in the airport because one of the flights was delayed, my phone was turned off and I didn’t have strengths to lift my head and look at the huge clock in the airport. But here I am… finally, somehow… for the first time alone. I guess I was looking so pathetic that even a taxi driver came to me and asked if I need a ride. If not him I would be still standing there, waiting for someone to come. Yes, it was my choice to leave and at first, I thought that I am doing a good thing… but somewhere in the middle of the flight, when all my tears dried, I started feeling really lonely. I was going to one of my favorite cities alone. What was I thinking? As if I wanted to turn this into the worst memories I will ever have.

I was so dumb that I even got rooms in the same hotel we were sleeping before our wedding. Funny fact that it was actually evening 15 of May, exactly one year when we came here just with one purpose, make our dream come true, finally become one… forever. Year ago? Now it feels like twenty. To be honest, I was sure that I will spend all two days in the hotel, lying in the bed and thinking about everything. About all those chances that we had… until our life started breaking apart.

But I was wrong. I was so wrong… It seems that this place means for me so much more than I thought. I couldn’t stop this. My memories with Victor, my demons and my worst fears. They all started coming out. I didn’t want to live through it, but life made me. I think it got me unprepared.

Everything began as soon as I stopped in front of my hotel room door.

* * *

  
_Vic-tor… can I sleep in your room?_

_Tomorrow, love. I can’t wait to see you and make you mine forever. Goodnight._

 

  
I covered my mouth with palms when this memory just came to my mind. It wasn’t exactly the same room, but I could almost see how Victor opens the door and presses me against his chest. I didn’t have right to see him before the wedding, but I still came. I came because even one night without his warmth sounded impossible. Because his voice was everything I wanted to hear. Because only he was able to calm my heart down. Maybe it’s true? Maybe I was the one who ruined everything? If only I had stayed in my room… I never believed in that stupid superstition that you can’t see each other last night before the wedding… but what if this truly works? What if this pain we have to go through now is just because that evening I… came to see him?

He said… that I will be his forever. And I believed in his words so hard, until the last part of my heart, that I couldn’t accept the fact that Victor forgot what he promised to me. I know I shouldn’t be blaming him… but damn it, you promised me… here in this spot, exactly one year ago you said that we will be together. That I will be yours… from tomorrow until your last day. How could you forget all those feelings?

* * *

  
“I am sorry, is everything alright?” the voice with strong Spanish accent spoke few steps from me and I flinched from this quiet sound. There was a maid, looking at me with a worried face. How long was I standing here frozen?

“Yes… sorry.” I tried to open the door as quick as I could and walk in, then lock them. The room was big, with a large bed and beautiful view from the window, which now was not that pleasant. I put the key on the table and closed the curtains, then went to the bathroom. I didn’t take any clothes with me… I am still with the same jeans, shirt and jacket which I was wearing in Hatsetsu. Victor… what are you doing now?

I had to sleep with bathrobe and to be honest it was too hot with it. So I shouldn’t be surprised that I woke up in the middle of the night all covered in sweat. I opened my eyes widely, my breathing was loud and fast. I heard a thunder outside and the lightning lit the room even through the curtains. There is someone standing next to the bed. And he is looking at me.

* * *

  
_I said lick it!_

  
_That’s kind of boring… how about your ass?_

 

  
The figure next to the bed wasn’t moving, it didn’t look like real one, but the voice inside my head was so loud, that I gasped and something sharp went through my chest. I can’t breathe. He is here. Almost raped doesn’t count… my mouth is bleeding, inside it’s covered in thousands wounds and scratches, I can't breathe in because I am choking on my own blood, the taste is disgusting. The figure suddenly moved, it leaned forward and I jumped from the bed. Actually, I wanted to do that, but bathrobe was too big for me, so I got entangled and fell down on the floor. At that moment I almost felt how somebody grabs on my feet and tries to drag back. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t because my mouth was still full of blood, this liquid was going down my chin on the ground making it slippery and I couldn’t resist. But I still tried, I tried so hard to move, to reach the door, that I even didn’t care about the pain in the knee or the pain in my heart. I have to get out… I have to get out from here. The moment when I grabbed the door handle was like a blessing. He can’t reach me… I will run and I will ask for help, someone will see me… they will come and help me. The door was locked.

“NO!! No no no! Open the door… Open the door!” I tried to beat the door as hard as I could, that someone would hear me, but I didn’t have time for that, he was too near. With my heart coming out from the chest and with body trembling so much that it was hard to move, I somehow turned around. He was already here, like my shadow following me everywhere I go. When I am alone he comes here… and he tries to kill me again. Almost raped doesn’t count…

I pressed my back to the door as I wanted to go through it. It’s impossible to get up for me, my legs are not listening. Oleg… he is here… he is coming here to finish what he started. And Victor is not here, he won’t let me hug him and get away from this nightmare. Victor hates me, he thinks that I deserved this pain, he thinks… that it was not enough for me.

“Victor!” I shouted and the shadow in front of me stopped. I finally let out the air I was holding inside my lungs all this time. I sighed and closed my eyes. “Did you want to see me like this..?” I whispered to myself and tried to get up on my feet. “You wanted me to… give up?” I opened my eyes and stepped forward one… then the second time and again until I was next to the window. I crossed all the room and there was no one. Just my own blurry shadow because I didn’t close the curtains until the end and the street lights were trying to get through the window. There was no one… just me. Alone. All this time.

To be honest, I wanted to laugh. I kneeled on the ground and started giggling feeling a little bit insane, but this laugh was because I somehow… felt stronger and better. You see… I stepped in the dark, but the truth is that there is no darkness here. Everything was just inside me and I was holding on it. I wanted to give up, but I didn’t… I wanted to prove Victor that I am not like this. I am not weak. I am strong enough to fight, no matter how many times he will try to test me.

* * *

  
It’s just incredible, but in the morning weather was so clear and sunny like there was no storm yesterday. When I opened my eyes first, I looked at Victor’s side, but it was empty. I touched it with my fingers. I am coming back… there is a flight around 10 p.m. back to Japan and I am going with it. I was really stupid that I left, but now… I know what I have to do. When I lost my memories you were patient and you waited for me, you didn’t force me to do anything… you wanted me to choose. And I have chosen you because that what my heart wanted. Now I will have to ask you… what your heart wants, Victor? I am not asking about the pain you are feeling… I want to ask... what you really want right now?

I still had a whole day in front of me until the flight and at first, I really thought about spending it in the hotel. I was having a breakfast outside looking at people who were heading to the beach. I saw just a few of them with serious faces others were smiling and laughing, happy about the weather or just the fact that they can go to the beach with friends… or lover. I got up from the table and wanted to turn around, but then I saw a girl holding a brown bag with a green print.

* * *

  
_Yuuri, calm down and remember. It’s the bag of nuts we just bought. It’s a brown bag with green print._

  
_Sorry. I have no idea where I dropped it. I will go back to the shop and get another bag!_

  
_It’s okay, Yuuri. The nuts shop would be closed by now. Let’s get back. You are tired, right?_

  
_You don’t have to say it like that!_

  
_Well, I am tired._

 

This happened in Barcelona, 2016. Yes… just before Grand Prix final when we had a free evening so we went to do shopping together. As we started dating after Rostelecom cup we were already together, but this relationship was still weak and at some point really funny. The fact that I was getting in a panic because of some lost bag with nuts is really strange. I was so afraid to do something wrong that might ruin our relationship. It’s not that I wasn’t serious about us, but back then… the fact that I am with Victor was still more like a dream than reality. Victor was… different. I think he already knew what he wants from me, he was sure that we will be together until the end, that’s why he got pissed off when I acted a little bit like a child, saying that I will go and get another bag of those nuts. I still remember that smile he made saying these words. Victor was calm and relaxed, but somehow at that moment, I thought that if I won’t get that another bag, he will be disappointed. Right… Victor, did you know… that one day we will come back here together again? Did you know how much you will help me to grow up? This situation might be funny to someone… but… all these little things which happened made me realize what start we had… and how it turned out later.

 

_What if I tell you that forever sometimes is just a moment?_

 

Then… I didn’t understand what you had in mind. You were dying just in front of my eyes, lying in the hospital all pale, trying to speak with the last strengths and I couldn’t understand. I thought that you want to leave me, that you are ready to leave this world. But it was different, Victor, I am right? You were just trying to say… that I have to treasure every moment together as if they were forever. Some of them later might break my heart… and some might heal. What happened now?

* * *

  
I didn’t go back to hotel… I ended up in next to the place where just an hour before I really didn’t want to go… I was in front of wedding hall where we got married. Exactly one year ago. I guess… somewhere around this hour, that’s why my heart is beating so fast… like it was beating back then.

 

_Love, you look so beautiful…_

_You… you think… something will change after this?_

  
_Yes… your last name. And you will belong to me forever._

 

When I close my eyes, I can see Victor in front of me, wearing that dark suit which looks on him so good. He didn’t let me pick suits for us, saying that I really suck at this. Even then Victor hasn't forgotten about my suit I had in 2016… he really wanted to burn it. To be honest, until now I don’t think that it was so bad… but I let him choose suits for our wedding if he lets me pick the rings. Talking about them… I really hope that Yurio picked them up from the grass. How could I lose them? Just because everything happened so fast and now I don’t have anything to hold on? Without them, on my finger or in my hand something feels not right.

Yuuri Katsuki – Nikiforov. That is my name now and this is the proof about everything. After the wedding I also changed my passport, Victor was extremely happy about this. He even did the passport copy for himself. Until now I don’t have any idea where he hides it. My document was real and it truly said who I am now. I am a part of Victor…. The part that can’t be separated. He said it again… Victor repeated that I will belong to him forever. Was he trying to convince me? He wanted me to feel stronger because even few minutes before the wedding I was feeling so anxious? I wonder if I can get ever rid of that this stupid thing? Just with Victor around me I can feel almost safe, he is my home and the place where I can always come back when I feel bad… but these days I had to be home for Victor. It’s like we have changed roles. Before this, he was the one who helped me… when I think about this… Victor helped me so much... to go through a lot of things, including the time after I was kidnaped or to find what hope really means to me, he was the one who said that he won’t give up on us… and now… now Victor needed me. I had to be the one who fights for our future… but I failed. I am not that strong as you, Victor… I am not strong without you. So how can you be strong without me?

I returned to the seaside and went to the beach a little bit further than all those happy people. The feeling that I can't be around everyone right now was too strong. The only person who I wanted to see was too far away and he couldn’t remember this day. I sat on the sand and looked at the sea. The water was still cold, but there were some brave people who got in. I heard how they were screaming and shouting from happiness or from the cold.

* * *

  
_Yuuri, this ring I give a token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed._

 

I can almost feel how the ring slides down my finger, where it belongs. This feeling made me hug my knees and press my face to them as hard as I can. I know what it’s coming next. And I don’t want to hear it, not now… not like this when I am cold like I was dropped into this freezing sea. But those words are loud in my head and I can’t avoid them. It’s impossible to run from them. I am tired of running.

 

_Victor, this ring I give a token and pledge, as a sign of my love and devotion. With this ring, I thee wed._

 

My voice is not trembling in my head and I remember that I was so proud of myself. I am still proud. But now my lips are shivering. I hug my knees tighter and slowly tears starts running down my face. One by one. This moment was coming from yesterday… it was growing… and I let it go. Victor, I wish you were here so much… I wish you would come to me and hug me from behind. I would love to hear your voice now, saying that it’s okay… that you love me. I would give everything now just to hear you saying…

“Happy anniversary…” but it’s not your voice, it’s me. I said this to myself quietly, from the bottom of my heart. “Happy anniversary, Victor…” I repeated it again as If it would hurt a little bit less, but it hurts the same. Maybe even more. I bit my finger to hold up the crying, because this moment must be happy… but it’s impossible to hold everything. I started sobbing and my heart is beating unrhythmically. I know. I have to be strong. And I will be. But I need this, I need to cry now. The only thing… I wish I couldn’t cry here with you next to me.

 

_Victor and Yuuri, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you are married. You may kiss!_

 

But I can’t feel your kiss… my lips are cold and dry. But I swear, it’s the last time I am crying alone.

* * *

  
When I finally found strengths to stand up from the sand it was already sometime after the lunch. It’s what they call in Spain siesta. When shops in the center are closed and there are just a few people around, most of them tourist like me. I stopped next to Sagrada Familia and looked up. I never went inside there, but of course, now it was closed. When I looked around I saw people taking selfies and photos. There was one family. Dad was holding a child in his hands, a small dark haired boy. Boy happily raised his hands and started to laugh when father lifted him and shouted something in a language I didn’t know. I turned my head and for a second looked at the bench not far away, there was someone sitting, with the black jacket and a hat. Oh, maybe I need to go back to hotel… and just wait until the time comes go to the airport. I had enough pain for today.

WAIT. That person who is sitting on the bench… it can't be. I had to look calm, but I started running towards him and if I am wrong, he could have punched me, because I suddenly grabbed his jacket that I could see the face.

“Oh, he saw me… I will call you later.” Seung-Gil hung up the phone and I released him, but still with my mouth opened wide. What the hell is going on? He was talking with Phichit, right??

“What are you doing here?” I was looking at his calm face as it was really normal for him to be in Barcelona with this creepy appearance. “Is Phichit with you?? Hiding in the bushes or what?” I can believe that he actually followed me to Barcelona. How long he is watching me?? For God sake, it’s not funny at all.  


“No, he is in Japan… it’ just me and…”

“Whyyy? I told everyone that I want to be alone.” My voice was already calm but still trembling from shock. I am a grown up man. I know that Phichit sometimes can be like a child, but Seung-Gil is not like that!

“You didn’t tell me anything.” He is making fun of me right now. I should have written messages for everyone, including Seung-Gil? I am really and honestly… without words right now. I slowly sat down on the same bench. “I didn’t come here for you…”

“I know. It’s because your crazy lover just can’t stay out of this. But this really went too far. Please stop. I am going back today, alright? But I really needed this. So… just…” I swear I could have expected from Phichit a lot of things, but not this one. He doesn’t respect my privacy at all.

“Just sit here.” He said making me do the face palm. No, really. Seung-Gil is a smart man! I always thought this way. He is quiet and smart, but maybe life with Phichit really affects him in a bad way? I shook my head and stood up.

“Don’t follow me please.” I started going fast, but still heard the first part of his answer.

“I am not foll-“

  
Whatever. I couldn’t hear him so I started running. Seung-Gil is not that type of a person who could run after someone and there is one place where he really won’t be able to find me. I turned to one smaller street and started walking again. People were looking at me because tourists usually don’t run around like crazy. But who knows, maybe I just like running… The place where I wanted to go was just 30 minutes by foot from here, but I decided to make a bigger lap. I don’t know… I am blessed or cursed that I have friends like them. Let’s just hope that Seung-Gil didn’t bring anyone with himself. Just a thought that Barcelona might be full of my friends stalking my every move like I was 9 years old child made me feel sick. I love them, I really do… but this day… it’s for me and Victor. And if Victor can’t be with me, then I don’t need anyone else. Is it so hard to understand?

“Oh my, it’s you, Yuuri!!” no no no… what now?? I turned around and saw Lucas. I really… I really should have stayed on that beach or just left straight into the hotel. “It’s me, you don’t remember? Skater from Norway!” he left his friends behind and came closer to me with a smile. Maybe Lucas said this because I was looking at him with the poker face?

“Of course I remember. How are you doing?” How can I forget him? He saw me crying in the dressing room when I met Victor for the first time in 2019. He also won the bronze medal in 2022 Grand Prix, I was standing there next to him, holding a gold one. Lucas said that I was his idol for a long time.

“I am good! Just after the competition. What are you doing here? Where is Victor?” he was still talking with a smile and I really wanted to laugh right now. What if I told him, that Victor thinks that it’s 2019 now? That would be really funny… because I met Lucas in 2019 and now Victor thinks it’s 2019… so this year is chasing after me. Well, I already faced some of my worst fears here. So how about this one also.

“I am just visiting Barcelona. And Victor… he is… not here.” That’s the best I could have thought of. I mean… he is not here with me and he is also not here as himself… he is lost somewhere.

“Don’t tell me you had a fight?” he covered mouth with palms and I shook my head quickly. I don’t have to explain anything and this story it’s just too long. “Where are you going? Maybe I can join you?” Oh my, this kid really knows how to talk. I looked at his big green eyes, they were so naïve and I could see how badly he still adores me. Even if I am not skating anymore as a professional.

“I am going to the Cathedral… Join, if you want.” He almost jumped from happiness when I said this. “But how about your friends?” I started going forward and Lucas caught after me. We had a few chats during the competitions, but I have never thought I will be walking with him like this.

“They will be fine.” He laughed and looked around. “I know the shortcut to the Cathedral, this way we will be going for an hour.” That’s exactly what I wanted, but how can I explain this to a kid. So I just shrugged and we turned to the main street again. I looked behind, but I couldn’t see Seung-Gil. Good. “Did you see something?” Lucas asked and I again shook my head. I am not really talkative today, I guess Lucas got the hint.

We were going in silence, just time to time he was saying some sort of a jokes, trying to make me smile. I tried to do that, but not because his jokes were funny, but because of the way how Lucas was looking at life. To be honest, I could also see myself inside of him… Lucas was more braver than me and I could even say bolder, but he still had something that I also had when I was his age. He was looking at me with the same eyes I was looking at Victor, when I still didn’t know him. When did I stop looking at Victor like that? Maybe when he became my coach and seeing him every day turned into a normal thing. Why did I stop doing that? Why did I stop cherishing every moment that life gave to me with him? When?

“Your face looks the same…” Lucas suddenly said that got my attention for real, I stopped for a second. He also stopped in front of me and did what I wasn’t expecting. He took my hands into his and pressed hard. “It looks the same as that time… when I saw you crying in the dressing room.” Why had he to say this right now? I am not crying! I tried to move my hands but he didn’t let go. “Your eyes are sad…-“

“I am alright, really…” I tried to smile, but he shook his head.

“Remember you told me when we were both standing with medals in our hands not to give up… so why you are looking this way? I mean, you tried to motivate me… but now you look like one who needs motivation.” He looked right into my eyes, but I turned my head. Lucas let me go and started walking. I knew that he is right… and I didn’t want to give up. I already decided to fight, it’s just I was tired… just a little bit tired. Do I need motivation? My motivation is in another part of the world right now. When I turned my head back I saw in front of me a shop, earlier I didn’t see the name because Lucas was standing right in that spot.

* * *

  
_Victor, let’s go to this store!_

 

Maria Dolores. That was the name of the shop in front of me. This the store where I bought rings for me and Victor in 2016. Lucky charms, I called them then like that. But what really it was? I still have them. They are in the small black box in the living room, on the shelf where everyone could see. Every day when we pass that box we can remember how everything began. Here.

In the morning when I saw that bag with nuts which girl was carrying… I thought that in 2016 I was still not sure about lots of things. But it was a lie… My heart already knew what I want and I knew the end of our story... the end that I wanted to have. My cheeks were blushed and that excitement I felt was so strange and new to me. But I was sure. I was sure like never before. If there is something I can give to Victor without failing… it’s my gratitude, my respect and my… love.

* * *

 

“Yuuri, are you going?” Lucas' voice made me wake up and look at his side. First time today I smiled. Smiled honestly. Everything gets clear now. Victor loves me. I love Victor. It’s simple like that.

“Yeaaah…” I smiled even more widely and Lucas smiled me back. That night, when Victor explained everything to me about his love, I learned the truth, that he never stopped loving me, not even for a second, not even when he tried to pull me away just a few days ago. It’s just he is lost… so lost because of me. Because actually, I have never forgiven myself for every bad thing I have done to him, so why Victor should forgive me? Life works like that… if you want something, you have to begin from yourself. There is just one way to find the peace in my heart.

“Oh, Starbucks! You want coffee?” Lucas asked when we were next to the Cathedral. I was already wondering how to ask him to leave me alone for a few minutes.

“Oh, yes… Latte. Thanks. I will wait here.” Lucas nodded for me and rushed to the coffee shop. I think he felt in my voice what I want. that’s why he didn’t ask why I am not going together with him. I stepped on the first stair and then on another… this path looked like a long one, but I was smiling. I am happy… I feel calm.

* * *

  
_Thank you for everything up to now. I… I couldn’t think of something better. But, um… I’ll try my best tomorrow on, so… tell me something for good luck._

  
_Sure. I will say something you won’t even have to think about. Tomorrow, show me the skating that you can honestly say you liked best._

 

  
I stopped at the top, right in the same spot I was standing 7 years ago and closed my eyes. I even raised my hand a little bit, as if Victor would be just in front of me. Like I could take off the glove from his hand and place a golden ring on his finger and he could do the same... and then we would kiss and make our promise real. Tell me something for good luck, Victor… I would do everything to hear your voice right now. I am still smiling. He said me to show the skating… I liked the best. I love skating for Victor. This was my way to show the love for him. On the ice… just on the ice, even Victor from 2019 could forgive me. Actually, he could forgive me… even now. Because… because…

 **I forgive myself.**  I forgive myself for what I have done. I forgive myself for all mistakes. I am not afraid to look at the past anymore, I am not afraid to feel the pain and go through everything again and again until I break. I am not afraid. This feeling is amazing… It feels like I was just awakened. This feeling made me take such a deep breath that I have never taken before in my life. I opened my eyes.

“Yuuri.” For a second I thought that I am hearing things because this voice was the only sound I wanted to hear right now. I slowly turned my head and saw Victor standing on the first stair. He was looking at me, with that serious face which made me realize that it’s still Victor from 2019, but he is here. Just when our eyes met I saw that he is breathing heavily as he was running from somewhere, also I saw a bruise on his chin. Is not the spot where I slapped him... I turned with all my body at him feeling how my whole body starts to shiver. What…

Victor extended his right arm and opened the palm, like inviting me to come. But there were rings in it. All four of them. Engagement and wedding. Mine and his. The beginning of our story and the time when we decided to connect our faiths. Everything was lying in his palm. All my life… all past and all future.

“Vic-“ I sobbed and my voice cracked in the middle of his name. What he is doing here was not a question anymore. How he came here and how he knew where I am… why he is here. I grabbed on my chest when heart painfully bumped inside. Like it wanted to jump and run to Victor’s arms.

“Yuuuuuri! Here you are! Here, hold… it’s your latte.” Lucas was running towards me, holding two cups of coffee in his hands. He jumped on the stairs and after few second was already next to me. He was in such a hurry that he didn’t notice at first that I am frozen, looking down. “Yuuri…?” Just now when I didn’t take the cup he followed my eyes and also saw Victor. When he opened his mouth from surprise I also understood that I am not the only one seeing Victor here. “Hey… I mean... you said that Victor is not here..?" What’s with this tone? It’s like he is complaining… Oh.

Victor’s face changed, from a serious one it turned into surprised, I saw something in his eyes… that I haven’t seen for ages. It’s not anger… it’s something between pain and… jealousy. Then I understood how it looks like. I am standing in this place which means a lot for me and Victor with another man who just bought me coffee. Victor from 2019… he doesn’t have any idea who Lucas is. And this question in the end… damn it.

In a scale from 1 to 10 how fucked I am?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good evening,
> 
> First, I am soooo happy to announce I got two letters asking for permission to translate Between us!! ;o Translation to Russian and Polish! I was really sobbing from happiness :D you can find links in the first page of Between us :3
> 
> Another thing, next chapter will be from Victor's POV. We are getting back to the track and you will be able to read what was happening inside Victor's head from that moment he left the hospital until this moment in Barcelona. <3
> 
> Oh, I don't know how about you... but for me this chapter is something. I had to think a lot while writing it. Think a lot about Yuuri and Victor in anime and in this fic, find some things that would be similar and different. To be honest I haven't worked on any chapter like on this one for so long. It was hard and so good at the same time. And maybe it's not that beautiful as the chapter about hope. Of course not, but... it explains a lot, it changes not just Yuuri as a character inside, but also me as an author. My baby Yuuri has grown up, at last... I want to cry from happiness because I can feel how he has matured. And it feels so good TT_TT I put a lot of my heart into this. Really.  
> And the last part it's just for you to know... that it's still not the end. :')  
> I don't know how about you, but I am happy about this chapter. Really. It made me feel better.
> 
> See you next time this time with Victor,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> P.s. all quotes are taken from Between us or from episode 10 of YOI.


	16. Chapter 56. Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello~~
> 
> Damn it... that's long.  
> Finally, Victor is back, I missed writing from his POV TT_TT <3  
> Next chapter will be made from smut, almost just from smut *cough* *cough* who doesn't like smut can read just the end of it *cough* *cough*
> 
> I also wanted to say something more, but my head just doesn't work... it's 4 a.m.  
> So I will just leave everything I wanted to say for the next time :c
> 
> Goodnight!  
> Love,  
> Vitavili <3

_… another possibility is that his personalities might start changing… because of the chaos in his head one day he might wake up thinking that he is six years old and another day thinking that he is twenty. But those personalities may be just until two thousand and nineteen, the point where there is a completely black spot in his memory. Like a broken thing you know… sometimes works but not in that way how it should work. Sooner or later this might drive him insane…_

  
**2023, April 30.**

  
Leaving hospital was harder than I thought it will be. When I saw Yurio and Otabek waiting for me next to the door on the first floor, I pressed my lips harder. Those words I just told to Yuuri, I was sure they will make me feel better, but it didn’t. Seeing him feels like scratching the same wound over and over again. I am not thinking that I will heal one day, but just thinking that I might let him close to me made me want to run away as far as I can. And maybe one part of me wanted to change that, maybe I even wanted to listen what he has to say, but I just couldn’t… If I believe in his words again, if I give him my wounded heart there is a high possibility that he will hurt it again… Is it fear? Maybe, we can call it like that. I have never loved anyone like I loved him, that’s the reason I can’t let him close again. So the solution to leave him in the past and try to delete the history we made to together was the only way I could think of. I could think of something more, but… thinking when your head is burning inside it’s really hard. I just wanted everyone to leave me in peace and hearing around me how bad I became and how heartless I am with Yuuri made me sick. They just don’t understand. None of them. For them, it’s just: Oh well, Victor lost his memories and now he became an ass. But for me… it’s like waking up in the pain and not understanding why everybody around looks at me like it would be my fault. Like I would have asked for this. No matter what they say to me, I can’t feel. I feel nothing because to me it never happened, none of those things. And I don’t want to remember, especially now. There is no point in remembering… because it will always be my fault.

Right, Yurio? That’s what I thought after seeing his face. He looked pissed off as if my emotions and feelings were just a perfect act. I sighed and looked away, passed through him and walked outside. We sat in the taxi, Otabek in front and me with Yurio in the back. For one short second, I looked through the window and I thought that I see Yuuri standing next to the window on the second floor. It must be just my imagination. For one moment I still caught myself thinking that if only we could leave everything behind us and start again. But there is no way to do that because every feel is just too real. The only thing I can leave behind is you, Yuuri. Only you.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Victor, wake up… we already landed.” Someone was shaking my shoulder and I slowly opened my eyes. Why my head hurts so bad as if I have pounded it into the ice hundred times? Landed? Landed where? I looked at the man next to me and blinked few times. Who is he? The man was tall with dark hair and I was sure I haven’t seen him in my life, but he knew my name...

“Yes… Yes… we already landed in Moscow?” I asked for him trying to look calm as If I knew what’s going on here, but the truth was that my heart started beating like crazy inside my chest. I just couldn’t remember what I am doing here and how I ended up on the plane. I also wasn’t sure what I was doing before this. I stood up from the seat but the man was looking at me like trying to figure out something. He has really dark eyes… Maybe I have seen him somewhere. Jeez, what’s going on? I need to call Yavok…

“Moscow? What are you saying?” I saw another man shorter than the first one, blond one with green eyes. I really have seen him somewhere, I was sure about this… but… I grabbed on the seat and blinked a few times. It must be a dream, but then why it feels so real?

“Who are you?” finally I asked, feeling how my throat gets dry. Someone has to explain to me what’s going on, if it’s some strange joke, then I also would like to hear an explanation. Both men looked to each other and then at me. They were surprised and I couldn’t understand why. Was I kidnaped or something? I can’t! I mean… I have to start getting ready for Grand Prix 2013, they just can’t kidnap me. What they want, money or what?

“Let’s go outside, we will explain everything.” The dark haired man smiled at me and I slowly nodded. We walked outside, this airport was really small so we are definitely not in Moscow. Then where? It even doesn’t look like Russia. I suddenly turned and walked towards the seats, they came after me.

“I am not going anywhere until you explain to me where I am and what have you done to me. You know that I am famous and police will start looking for me?” I sat and crossed my arms on the chest, they won’t make me get up from here or I will start screaming.

“Victor… it’s me, Yuri.” I shrugged when the blond one talked because this name doesn’t say anything to me. Just a few minutes ago he was looking really confused, but now I saw that he is trying to talk softly. “Yuri Plisetsky.” He tried again. It’s like they didn’t know how to act next to me. Wait... this name… He is a junior skater... I know him. I have seen him, I mean the real him… not this liar.

“Good one. But Yuri is twelve years old.” I rolled my eyes and tried to search phone in my jeans pockets, but I couldn’t find one. “And give my phone back.” They are strange guys, looking at me like I was the one insane here. When I look at this fake Yuri he really reminds me of that real one… but how could this possibly be? The man with black hair sat next to me and I turned my head a little bit. Don’t tell me he will pull out the gun like in action movies?

“Victor… you don’t remember. Because of the accident, you have lost your memories.” When he spoke I froze and lifted my head to see the big clock on the wall, I haven’t looked at it before… because I was sure about the time, more or less… or about the year, at least. But those numbers in front of me made chills ran down my spine. 2023. April. 30. What? It’s ten years more than it should be!

“How… ho-w… is it possible? What… what happened to me?” I was still looking at the clock and hoping that those numbers will change or Yakov will jump from around the corner and tell that everything here is just a bad joke. Just a punishment because I am not listening to him during practice. But time was running, both men in front of me didn’t rush me to say anything, but I couldn’t move. In my life, I was sure about one thing: my confidence. Nobody could ever change my opinion of myself. But now… I had just one question in my head: Who I am?

“You hit your head… Let’s go home, maybe it's better if we explain everything there.” I should ask his name because now I could just see this guy as black haired, but he looks at me… like he has known me for a long time. But I don’t remember… I don’t. Where is my home?

“Can I skate? Please, tell me that I am still skating… please.” Maybe this question is not the one I should ask and they didn’t expect this from me, but I felt that this means life. Skating for me was everything, I didn’t have anyone, I was fine by myself… but the skating is my purpose. Just while skating I can feel that I exist.

“Victor…” now the blond one spoke, I mean… Yuri. He said just my name, but it was enough. That tone he made was enough for me. I am not skating, right? So what now? Why do I live then? Did I found a real purpose to live? I got up from the seat and started going slowly towards the exit. I didn’t know what to say more. There was some sort of emptiness inside. Some feeling that I really need something… someone. But I couldn’t remember who. Outside I saw a woman, she was waiting for us next to the car. Dark hair and eyes, she looked like typical Japanese. Are we in Japan? Why?

“Mari, thank you for coming to pick us.” The man with black hair waved for her and the girl nodded.

“Victor, how are you feeling?” she asked, and I felt how it gets hard to breathe. She also knows my name. She knows who I am… but I don’t.

“I am fine, thank you.” I heard my voice and tried to smile. But I am always like that… I always say to people that I feel good and it doesn’t matter what’s going on inside me. I mean, they still don’t care. So why should I say? But then why there is some kind of strange feeling inside me.... that actually I want to tell somebody how I feel. Not them… but someone else. I wasn’t listening what they were talking about, I just sat in the car and looked through the window. First time in my life I felt that so scared.

After we came to the place, they showed me the room where I can stay. It was in separated little house and I don’t know why I was feeling there cozy, almost calm. Otabek (I learned his name on the road) said that he will come back soon and then I can ask everything I want. But the fact was that I didn’t know what to ask, where to start… to be honest, I even didn’t know what I was feeling. Cold. I was cold. They left me alone in the bedroom I saw huge bed. I live here? I started walking around trying to remember some feeling, but there was nothing, I opened the wardrobe, there were clothes hanging. Mine? On the other side of the room, I saw the chest of drawers standing what got my attention was the framed photo standing on it. I came closer and took it into my hands. I have seen this place, it’s just in front of this house. I recognized just myself, Yurio and Otabek, but there were five people more. I couldn’t stop looking at one, I was holding my right hand on his shoulder and his hand was on my waist. He was smiling widely and somehow just looking at this smile made me feel better. Who is he? Are we close? Why my heart suddenly started beating faster? I quickly looked at others on this photo, everyone seemed really happy… Ana and Alexey? What? They were so much older and matured, but I was sure that it’s them. God. The frame slipped from my hands, fell on the ground and the glass broke into the pieces.

 

* * *

 

“Victor! Are you alright?? What’s with this noise??” the doors opened and Yurio ran into the room, Otabek came after him. Huh? How I came here? I remember that we were on the plane and my head started hurting so much that I closed eyes just for one second. And now I am here? Are we already in Hatsetsu? I have never seen this room before. How in the world…

“Do I look alright for you?” I raised my brow and I saw that Yurio got confused. Next to my feet there was a photo in broken frame. I don’t remember this photo, but there was Yuuri in it, hugging me, smiling. That made me step away. “I don’t remember how we got here,” I said to them and Otabek sighed. What? Is it my fault again?

“It’s starting… damn it.” Yurio’s words didn’t help me at all. Starting what? Don’t tell me… don’t tell me that those words that doctor Ishikawa told me in the hospital were true? Did I start losing my memory? Already? Who I was for all that time I don’t remember? In what year?

“Get out, both of you. Leave me alone.” When Otabek stepped forward like trying to start some dumb conversation I entered the bathroom, closed the door and locked it from inside. God damn it. What’s happening? That’s just… scary. I thought that I am ready to lose my memories. I wanted to forget the past, but not like that… it’s just crazy. Now I honestly tried to remember anything that happened in these past hours, but it was blank, just pain in the head got worse. Everything is blank. I sat on the ground and with trembling fingers grabbed my hair. That’s bad. I don’t want to have this kind of end. When the first tear came from my eye I didn’t try to stop it.

**2023, May 2.**

“Where is Yuuri??” I ran into the living room and found here Otabek and Yurio, they were standing in front of each other and fighting about something, but soon as I came in they stopped, so I couldn’t understand what they were fighting about. And it doesn’t matter, my question is more important here. I woke up here, in Hatsetsu and I found a note next to my bed saying that I lost my memories. I recognized my writing so it wasn’t lying, but it didn’t tell anything about Yuuri and I couldn’t understand.

“He… he is still in hospital…” Otabek slowly spoke like trying to test my reaction. WHERE??

“Why?? What happened? Is he in Hatsetsu?” his words made me freak out. Why am I not with him? And what in the world happened?

“How are you feel-“

“I am fine! Jeez, I want to see Yuuri. I need to go to the hospital, now.” Yurio started speaking but I didn’t let him finish. Who the hell cares how I feel? And why he is avoiding to say me the truth. Is it really bad? Otabek stepped towards me and showed me to sit on the chair. Are they kidding me, I don’t want to sit! I am not going to sit until I get what I want.

“Victor you lost-“

“I lost my memories, I know. It seems that I wrote a note to myself. It still doesn’t explain why I am not with Yuuri.” I made Yurio shut up again and I saw how his face got pissed off, but Otabek interrupted before Yurio started shouting at me. Fine, let him shout if this will help. I just need a simple explanation.

“Yuuri is in Tokyo, he is not here…” In Tokyo? That made me sit down. I blinked a few times, but I couldn’t remember. The last time I remember Yuuri we were in Sant Peterburg, in ice center, creating a program for Grand Prix 2018. We just picked the song for his free program, the arrangement of the song called Between us and Yuuri told me that in the end of it, he wants to do the Tuck Axel jump. I remember how he jumped on me when I finally have agreed with this. He was happy… I was happy. How we ended up like this?

“So… let’s go to Tokyo? Why we are not there?” None of them could explain me the real reason why we can’t go there. Well, they both tried and I still didn’t get the simple answer. Why am I not with my lover? Why am I in another city? I don’t care what year it’s now, I need to see him. I just feel that he also needs the same. “Alright, then let me call him,” I said again when they both stopped bubbling. The way they are trying to avoid the straight answer was giving me just a bigger headache. Because of this pain… I just can’t think really clearly. After few minutes Yurio finally took out the phone.

“Hamster… give Katsudon, Victor wants to talk with him…” when he started speaking I raised my head. Who is a hamster? It means that at this moment someone is with Yuuri. Who? “What do you mean by no? So wake him up or something… Well, it’s hard for everyone. Hm… I will ask.” Yurio looked at me. “What year do you think it is now?” that’s a strange question. The note I found next to my bed was saying that it’s 2023… but…

“Two thousand and eighteen… but why this even matter?? Damn it, just give me that phone.” I jumped on my feet. I had enough of this, I don’t have patient. I grabbed the phone from Yurio's hand and he didn’t stop me from doing this. “I don’t know who you are, but just give me Yuuri, please.” I spoke to someone on the other side of the line. Someone who had a chance now to stand next to MY Yuuri while I am here without him.

“Victor… I understand that you want to speak with him, but Yuuri just fell asleep… he hasn't been sleeping for more than two days now. If I wake him up and tell that you want to speak with him… he will start to feel nervous and I can’t let this happen… just please be patient.” I couldn’t recognize the voice, but it was friendly… just tired. I tried to understand what he is saying and but all I could feel was a pain in the chest. Why he hasn’t been sleeping? It’s because I am not with him? But I want to be there… I really want.

“Is… is he alright?” I asked feeling how tears start strangling me. This feeling is killing me… it’s like a huge hole inside me, inside my head. I just really want to be with him right now. Hold Yuuri’s hand and kiss his fingers, I want to rub his head stay close. Why? Why I can’t?

“There is no danger to his life. Don’t wo-” After the first sentence I just gave the phone to Yurio and walked outside. I don’t know why Otabek followed me, I didn’t want anyone to see my face right now.

“It must be strange, the feeling…” I guess he wanted to ask me, but this ended up like a fact. The word strange doesn’t even cover this.

“I don’t feel strange… I feel myself, more or less.” This part I lied, I couldn’t understand what I am feeling. “Just… something is missing. And I don’t talk about memories, it’s something more important.” I turned my head to Otabek next to me and hugged myself with hands. I think I could try to remember what I am missing, but everything is burning inside my head. Do I have to live with this pain always? It’s horrible. “Otabek, I really need to see Yuuri. It’s important.” The feeling that I will find the answer just when I see him was getting stronger, but Otabek slowly shook his head. “You don’t understand I nee-“

“Victor! Oh, damn it. Are you alright?” he caught me before I fell. One second I was standing on my feet and then I couldn’t feel my legs anymore. Everything started spinning. I placed on hand on Otabek’s shoulder trying to hold on. “Yuri!” he shouted while I was trying to remember how to breathe. One second it even got dark from the pain. When it got clear I was already sitting on the bench. Yurio was holding a glass of water in front of me. But no… I don’t think I can take something into my mouth right now.

“I am feeling sick…” I said quietly and took a deep breath. It feels like I am going insane… I covered my face with both palms and leaned forward. “I need to see him… I need to see him… Please. Before it’s too late.” Those silent words just came from my mouth and I couldn’t stop them. I don’t like asking for something because I knew that I can do everything by myself, but this was important because I can’t… I don’t think I am able to do something. I don’t even know why I am crying now.

**2023, May 5.**

  
“Victor!!” I saw Otabek next to the exit of the ice rink. I told them that I can come by myself. What the hell. I know that they are worried that I might lose my memories again, but it’s already been two days and I am feeling almost normal. Well, except from the fact that I don’t remember anything from 2016. It happened on third of May, I just found myself standing in the shower holding my head and I couldn’t remember how I got there. I got an explanation that I lost my memories and that now it’s 2023. First of all, it was hard to believe, but the facts were facts I couldn’t just ignore them. I got some explanations about the earthquake which happened in Tokyo and about myself… it was strange to think that I am 27 years old, but actually, I will turn 34 this year. Six years of my life were gone somewhere and if not my body that really was getting tired so much faster it would be impossible to believe this.

“Otabek, hey, do you work as my guardian angel now?” I slid to him, feeling how bad my muscles got tired. I have been skating here just for few hours and it’s already too much. But just while skating I was almost able not to think about my best friend, also known as, the headache that never leaves me.

“Better than fighting with Yurio about that cat.” He sighed and I laughed. Right, I have heard how they are fighting lately about this. Seems funny and sad at the same time. It’s not that I was sad for them, it was another feeling. The feeling that I really miss something… not fighting, but something stronger. I haven’t told them how I feel, but the fact that both Yurio and Otabek were hiding from me something was more than clear. It’s like they wanted to say, just didn’t know how. “Anyway Yuuri is coming here soon so maybe we should go back.” This sentence was enough for me, to get out of the rink. They told me that Yuuri got hurt during the earthquake and now he is in the hospital. Nothing more. I mean, I was feeling sad about him… after all one of the last memories, I had with him was about the time when I just came to Hatsetsu, so I really wanted to see him. My heart started jumping in the chest from happiness, maybe I feel too excited, but it just can’t be helped. He is my student after all… I mean, he was my student. I wonder how he has changed.

“There is one thing… that we didn’t tell you…” we were already next to the house where I was sleeping when Otabek spoke again. The good thing about being with Otabek is that he doesn’t speak too much. Well, I could say that Yurio has also changed, but he was still too impulsive. While being with Yurio I also had a feeling like he would like to hit me in the head again and see if I can get my memories back this way. I heard that he is the world’s best skater now, well… that’s what I was expecting from him anyway.

“What? Don’t tell me that Yuuri is bold or made a tattoo on his face.” I smiled, but at the same time, I felt that it’s not a joke. Otabek was a person who doesn’t like to laugh a lot… and I was finally feeling that he will tell me something important. I just tried to pretend that I don’t really care.

“You are a really important person to Yuuri… and he might… overreact when he sees you…” I saw that for Otabek it’s strange to speak about these things, but he got my attention. I froze. What does he mean by a really important person? Important how? “He also… has changed… a little bit.” He added like telling me this just in case. Of course, he changed in 6 years, how else?

“He is in love with me or something?” I asked and Otabek nodded. Oh. So that’s how it is. I don’t know why it made me feel a little bit embarrassed. Because I didn’t feel the same for him? Or should I feel? What should I do when he comes? I mean, I really wanted to see Yuuri so badly, but I just got lost… I really didn’t know what should I do? When I nodded, Otabek showed me thumb and then turned around, I walked into the house and then straight into the bedroom. Is Yuuri expecting something from me? What should I tell him? I just started feeling a little bit afraid of that moment when he comes in…

“Victor!” this voice, shouting my name. I was sure that for me it will sound like any other time when somebody calls me. But I was wrong, this voice made my whole body tremble and if I don’t see the speaker, I will never forgive myself. I quickly ran into the hallway and saw Yuuri. Different. But the same. His eyes were shining… he was looking at me with love and warmth and I couldn’t look at him differently.

“Yuuri…” I tried to smile. It’s so hard to find the words I want to tell him now. But just looking at him feels good. He is beautiful, that’s what I thought and I couldn’t stop thinking about this. He is beautiful not just like a person, I could feel that he became beautiful inside. Watching how his lips started to tremble made my lips dry… I don’t understand why I am feeling this way. But he quickly crossed the room and hugged me. Just then I understood, that this is what I was missing all these days. That’s what I needed. The answer was so obvious from the start. Love coming from him was so strong, that I don’t know how I stopped myself from shivering.

**2023, May 12.**

  
What happens when somebody next to you really wants you to remember and you can see how much efforts he is putting in this? You really want to see him happy, that’s why you are trying to convince yourself that you remember something… but you actually don’t. What happens? You slowly start to break. I could listen to Yuuri’s voice all day, how he tells stories about our lives, I loved to see in his eyes how much he believes in this. Yuuri didn’t care that I live with my memories from 2017, from the time when our relationship just started getting real… he didn’t hold himself from showing how much our love grew up during all these years. Even if I didn’t remember any of his stories, I could listen to them over and over again, just to see how Yuuri’s eyes start shining. If there was some sad moment in his story Yuuri really loved to hug me hard and tell how much my existence means for him and then I let him cry how much he wants. His words are everything I have… they are everything I need. The only thing I really remembered was a name Shuusei… later Yuuri explained that this name belongs to a boy who I met in the hospital. I still couldn’t understand why him… I would give anything if I could just remember something more important from our past… but there was nothing. So I started convincing myself, putting every word Yuuri says inside my head. He would never lie to me, so it must be true. One time, when Yuuri went to the kitchen I accidently saw on his computer a hotel booking page in Barcelona, Spain. Does he want to go there with me? I tried to guess why exactly this city… we could go anywhere… maybe he thinks that places from our past could help me? So why not Sant Peterburg then? I felt a little bit guilty that I was lying for Yuuri… but when I told him that I remembered some things, he became so happy that I thought that this is worth lying. Just a little bit. I could do anything to make him feel better. The only really happy thing about this was… that I didn’t lose more memories from that night when I came to Yuuri’s bed. The only question, for how long?

Yuuri went to the shower and I was sitting on the bed. I started thinking about all these things because pain inside my head became stronger. These past days I almost didn’t feel any pain so I started feeling a little bit calmer, but... it came back again. Honestly, at that second I got into a panic. I don’t want to lose everything that I have learned these past days. Even if it’s not real, but I am creating memories with Yuuri, I am making him happy…. And that’s enough. I don’t want him to feel pain. Because if I lose my memories again, he will have to do everything from the start… and I don’t want that. My Yuuri, my love… he didn’t deserve this pain anymore. He didn’t. Something inside me cracked really hard and I tried to breathe but I couldn’t. It’s just too hard to think that the one I love is happy but might lose this feeling because of me. Because I am going out of my mind… it will never end, right? I got up from the bed and started going towards the bathroom, I opened the door and walked in, Yuuri turned around.

“Victor!” I couldn’t see he got scared or happy, I just walked forward, until I was standing under the hot water in front of Yuuri. I pressed my forehead to his shoulder and tried to breathe again. I still can’t. “Victor? Love? What is it…? At least take off your clothes...” he hugged me and I moved a little bit closer. The water was really hot, but I was freezing, everything inside me was trembling. “You are trembling… Victor, what is it?” He hugged me harder wrapping his arms around my waist, pressing his naked body against me. Did I had any chance to stop this painful lament that came from inside me? No, I didn’t.

“Who… who I am Yuuri… I don’t know anymore… who I am.” My heart inside my chest started throbbing and this feeling was killing me. I don’t know what was hotter, the water or my tears. Both of them were running down Yuuri’s body.

“You are you… you are mine.” He was able to speak just after few minutes. It was hard for both of us. More for him. If I lose my mind one day, I won’t understand that, but Yuuri…. Yuuri will have to live with this. I lifted my head and looked right into his eyes. I knew that he will accept me no matter how bad things will turn… no matter how much pain I will cause him… that was his love.

I kissed him and finally moved my hands that I could touch his face. Yuuri didn’t waste time to take off my shirt, he got right away to the pants. I think this part of him changed the most and I really liked this. At least in sex, he has more confidence. I remember just shy Yuuri, who would cover his face from embarrassment when I try to touch him and say something dirty. This one had both… he could do lots of things, but still, wasn't able to get rid of blushing. Baby. When Yuuri was done with unbuttoning and taking off my pants I pressed him against the wall with my body and he grabbed my waist with one hand and with another reached abs under the shirt. That feels so good, every time when he touches my body feels like heaven… I slid my hands down his naked skin and grabbed butt, Yuuri moaned right into my lips, this made me feel strong vibration which ran down until my feet. His breathing is so hot… my tongue is burning and it feels amazing.

“N-o… no… just do it…” he murmured suddenly grabbing on my hand when I wanted to put one of the fingers in his ass. He wasn’t asking, more like begging. Yuuri was breathing hard and fast, because of the water which was falling non-stop everything here was heating so much faster.

“Do what?” I couldn’t hold myself, I wanted to hear more of his begging. I softly touched Yuuri’s face and rubbed my lips to his cheek, then chin. Kissed it few times. His skin is so sweet. I love it… I love every part of his body.

“Put… put it in…” he wrapped hands around my neck and grabbed my shirt. Yuuri started kissing me again, with his tongue without words, begging me to do it faster. So I did. It’s what I wanted, it’s something that our bodies needed… I needed to be inside him. I lifted his leg, holding strong and slowly started putting my cock in. I felt how with every move Yuuri was holding on me stronger and stronger. We had sex just a few hours ago, but this was something different… He wanted to show me where I belong and who I am. Here. With him. Yuuri moaned my name and I also couldn’t hold my voice, he was so tight, pressing me harder and harder. He moved hips a little bit and gasped, it was all in.

“Yuuri… I love you. Please, don’t forget that.” I said feeling that maybe one day I won’t be able to say this to him anymore. So now I should repeat him as many times as I can, make him sure. That Yuuri would never have doubts about this. Maybe he wanted to answer something, but he couldn’t because I started moving and every sound he was trying to make turned into moans and gasps. Yuuri placed his lips right into next to my ear and gave all those sounds to me. Damn it… it feels so good… My hips just moved by themselves, first slowly then faster and faster. Yuuri shouted when he came and that second he squeezed me so hard inside him that I had to stop. I had to stop deep inside him… from pleasure, from the perfect moment which made me grab his leg so hard, that I am sure, I left some marks. Good. Yuuri is mine.

**2023, May 13.**

  
I already woke up with that terrible pain, but I didn’t want him to see, so I tried to be as normal as I could. When Yuuri didn’t see I drank few pills from pain, but they didn’t help at all… I think he was just too happy about yesterday… because after the shower we had some pleasant moments in bed. For Yuuri it was making love, for me it was trying to hold on… trying to do something that would make me stay. I didn’t want to leave. After lunch, he asked if I want to go to ice castle together with Yurio and Otabek who were already creating their programs for this year Grand Prix. I thought that maybe on ice I will feel better, but I didn’t. I even couldn’t skate normally, but Yuuri was too happy to see that I am just sliding around without any jumps or spins. I saw that Yurio is looking at me longer than I wanted him to look, that’s why I asked Yuuri to leave the ice castle before those two. On our way back I asked him to tell me something, to be honest, I didn’t care what kind of story it will be… because of the pain, I couldn’t concentrate to listen. But his voice was all I wanted to hear. Yuuri started telling me story about the Grand Prix final in 2021 when I fainted and he learned about my heart condition. To be honest, this whole thing was still strange to me… how bad I was hurt… how bad was…

It was like a stroke to my head, sudden and unexplainable painful. I stopped and pressed Yuuri’s hand to my lips, this way trying to hold on the moans. It was hard not to flinch, not to start crying because the pressure was getting stronger and stronger. I had to kiss him… I had to do that to survive. I started him kissing slowly but it turned into a deeper kiss and I didn’t hold my hands to touch him, to press against the tree. I tried to touch him and remember every part… I can’t forget. Remember. Remember. Remember. Remember. Suddenly I stopped the kiss because it was impossible to bear this anymore, I looked down but I couldn’t see anything it was black. I heard Yuuri’s words in the background but I couldn’t understand the meaning… I am getting sick… It’s so bad. It’s…. bad.

 

* * *

 

“Pochti iznasiloval… ne schitayetsya.” (Almost raped… doesn’t count.) What. I mean I didn’t even feel how I said this. It just came back to me… the second time when I tried to kill myself and Yakov or Yurio said that I almost died… I said a similar thing to them. Almost doesn’t count… What were they seeking? What was I seeking? For everybody to get lost. To leave me alone. To make this fear, this pain go away. I swear one second when Yuuri hugged me I almost gave up, but then the pain and fear… especially when he said that I need him... that made me so scared. Maybe because he was right, maybe I needed him and I didn’t want to accept that. The worst part now that I was really going insane and my words just proved it. I just hurt him in the worst way I could… and I was hoping that this will make him gone for sure. I was mad because he was right and I was wrong because he knew everything and I was feeling stupid… because they don’t understand how it’s hard to be like this. Now I remembered everything that happened since that moment when we left hospital… but it didn’t help. It made everything worse… I am going out of my mind.

What surprised me more the fact that Yuuri can understand and speak Russian or that he slapped me? Both… I think both. I grabbed on my cheek instinctively, feeling so in shock that I couldn’t move. I think he finally got enough of me… But Yuuri didn’t understand that this way he just set himself free. I mean… I am a freak now. Heartless freak. Funny how everything turns around. When Yuuri was gone I slowly moved, still holding on my head, I walked towards the place where we left our bags and took mine. When I leaned forward I saw rings on the grass. Here they are again… If I leave them here… it should be…

“IDIOT!!!” The kick in my ass was so hard that couldn’t hold still on my feet, I fell and hit my chin right into the bench. I hit it so hard that one second I thought that I will lose my teeth. Right… let’s hit me. He could have kicked me right in the head… I mean, why not? I grabbed on the bench and got up. I think it’s the first time Otabek didn’t stop Yurio from doing this. No surprise. “How could you say this thing to him??” Yurio stepped forward looking at me with those angry eyes. What he wants me to tell?

“Should I remind you that… Yuuri met the doctor who almost raped him, just because you kicked Yuuri’s ass before and he got into the hospital, remember?” Otabek spoke and I opened my mouth. What? How should I understand this?

“Why you are defending this asshole???” Yurio shouted at Otabek. I am not sure if I want to be the witness of this drama. But the fact that Yurio kicked Yuuri’s ass probably harder than mine got my attention.

“Because… it reminds me of that time when I wanted to come back to you and you pushed me away. I still have a scar on the shoulder by the way. I am just saying…-“

“It’s different!!!” Alright, it’s getting too personal right now. I knew why Otabek left Yurio and I knew that Yurio felt the same about Otabek as I was feeling about Yuuri. About the scar, I didn’t have any idea. He is trying to say that I am lucky that everything ended up just with a slap?

“Different how? I mean… I think the situation was similar. I broke your heart, you were mad. But in the end, you have called me, right? So what I am saying is that… Victor, go after Yuuri and talk. I mean, he is also tired of going after you all the time.” Otabek leaned forward and took those rings from the grass gave them into my palm.

“And what should I say to him? There is nothing left between us.” I said looking at those rings in my palm. Is that true? Then why I can stop thinking about those moments we had together these past days… It means… Can I still feel love for him without hate?

“Well when Yuri called me he told-“

“Otabek, don’t.” Yurio tried to reach Otabek’s mouth with a hand, but Otabek was faster to grab his wrists.

“He told me… win me again, show me the best you can.” I think these words were not exactly what Yurio told him because the blond calmed down and sighed from relief. I am sure there was a second sentence. The best he can. And what if that’s the truth? What if that’s the only way me to trust him again? To get away from my fear? I walked through the cat couple towards the house and I still heard what they spoke:

“I want to have sex with you now.”  
“Yeah, me too babe.”

  
**2023, May 16.**

  
So in Barcelona, I went together with Seung-Gil, it was strange that Phichit didn’t come with us, but he said that he has some really important business here and he can’t go. I swear I heard him saying something about going to Tokyo, but I was not sure. I could have gone alone, but I also knew that it’s impossible for me because nobody knows what can happen. We missed the flight on Saturday night so we had to take the one on Monday's night, good thing that it was a direct flight… bad thing that I didn’t have any normal sleep since Saturday. It’s like I was still in shock, but at the same time I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. About those words, I said to Yuuri… bad words and good words, mostly everything. It was confusing. All the situation about us. It seems that I can’t delete history with him no matter how much I wanted that… I can’t even re-write everything, just add new and new things. No matter that it hurts for me… I am still going after him. Maybe that means I never wanted to run in the first place?

Because of the time zones, we landed in Barcelona on Tuesday morning. We went right away to the hotel where Yuuri did reservation (I don’t have any idea how Phichit found out which hotel it was), but he wasn’t there. Barcelona was big and there was just two of us, so we didn’t have any plan where to search for Yuuri. We just walked to some places where he might have gone, but they we didn’t find him. I still remembered where we went together in 2016, the only place where I didn’t go was Cathedral. When we were next to Sagrada Familia and I left Seung-Gil on the bench to call for Phichit and went myself to search for a toilet. I mean, we were together all day, but things happen just when I am not around.

“Yuuri was here.” Just Seung-Gil can say this kind of thing with such calm face. Jeez Christ.

“Why you didn’t hold him?” I looked around, but if course he is not here anymore. Obviously.

“He ran away… to that direction.” He showed to me with a hand and I turned around. Great. I started running, leaving Seung-Gil behind, but he wasn’t in a hurry to catch me. Where could Yuuri go? I ran all streets around, but Yuuri was not there. Could it be… that… he went to Cathedral? The only place where I also didn’t go today? It’s also right in that direction. I didn’t know if I will regret this, but I was running as fast as I could and slowed my steps just when I saw him. Standing on the top of the stairs, with a calm smile on his face. What is he thinking about? It’s not like Yuuri… no anxiety, no panic… it’s like he is feeling peace.

“Yuuri.” I called him silently, but he still heard me. His eyes got wide and big, he really didn’t expect to see me here. Even from here I saw how his lips start trembling, my heart started beating faster. What is this feeling? Is because of this place? I can’t feel hate for him… but I am not sure what I am feeling… what I should feel. I showed him rings, which I was holding in my hands all this time. I didn’t throw them at him I wanted him to come and take them from me.

“Vic-“

“Yuuuuuri! Here you are! Here, hold… it’s your latte.” Some blond ruined this moment in the speed of light, that’s how he was running towards Yuuri with two cups of coffee. “Yuuri?” I quickly hid the rings inside the pocket of my jacket. Who is he? Just now he slowly moved big green eyes at me “Hey… I mean... you said that Victor is not here..?" He just talked as if I was not here. And what’s that suppose to mean?

Oh, really? Two days ago Yuuri was swearing his love to me and now he is drinking coffee with some child. I didn’t have any idea that Yuuri is into underage. I still couldn’t move my eyes from that blond… how dumb of me. Of course, it’s also my fault… like Otabek said, he got tired of chasing after me. Should I walk away or first kill this guy and then walk away? What’s with this feeling? Jealousy?

“Hm… just call me when you will be done… exchanging rings… I mean coffee. I will wait there.” I rolled my eyes, imagining how I push that blond one of the stairs and at the same time it was hard to deal with this feeling. This means… I actually care about Yuuri even now?

“No no no, Victor wait!!” I was already turning around when Yuuri suddenly jumped and started running down the stairs, but he slipped and fell. That dork with coffee gasped and…. My heart stopped. Yuuri grabbed on his side and silently moaned from pain and I promise… I have never… ever felt this angry and scared in my life. One second I thought that I will die.

“How the hell were you able to fall??!!” I didn’t mean shout at him, but how could I hold myself back, when he is like that. Is he thinking with his brains or ass? I leaned forward to help him stand up, with his free hand Yuuri grabbed on my shoulder and that part of my body started to burn so sudden that I almost let him fall again.

“Why you are shouting at me now??!!” He shouted back with tears in his eyes. Yuuri stood up somehow, but still was holding on me and standing a little bit leaned forward. Why my hands are trembling?

“Because your legs are going from your chest!” He doesn’t have any idea what heart attack he just made me feel! I didn’t feel this way when he was running towards me in the hospital or when he was crying in my bed… but… now…

“That’s good that yours are growing from the ass!!!” he was still holding himself from crying but looked right into my eyes. His look is strong, he trusts in himself. He is not afraid to look at me.

“Oh, my you are fighting like a married couple!” That blond just talked with a big smile on his dumb face, I have just totally forgotten about him. Well, you know what you blond thing who is buying some shitty latte for Yuuri…?

“We are married!!”  
“We are married!!”

We both shouted at the same time turning our head at that punk. He gasped and both cups fell on the ground from his hands.

“What…?” Yuuri slowly turned his head at me and blinked few times, I felt how he grabbed my shoulder harder. I don’t know why I said this… it just slipped. I couldn’t hold it. I turned my head avoiding his eyes. “Victor, say it again.” No way am I saying this. It was an accident.

“I have to call Phichit and tell this!! We love when you are talking together!!” the blond one screamed that way making me and Yuuri turn at him again. What did he say? Phichit? How does he know Phichit? Just don’t tell me… that he was also sent here by him. “Victor, I am so happy that you came!! Damn it, I can already see this turning into fanf-“ he didn’t end up the sentence just turned quickly around and ran from here four times faster than he came. What just happened here? We both with Yuuri were in such shock that even forgot that we were shouting at each other just a minute ago.

“Victor… tell me again.” He asked making me look down at him. Tell him what? I stepped away from Yuuri and turned around. I don’t think I can tell him. Maybe just one thing. Yuuri somehow was able to hold still on his feet.

“Win against me… and I will tell you.” I finally said crossing my arms on chest. It's getting cold. It’s going to rain or what?

“Win where?” I heard his voice behind me, but I just shook my head.

“Nothing.” Dumb Otabek I shouldn’t have listened to him.

“Win where, Victor?” Yuuri grabbed my jacket but I moved again and he had to let go.

“On ice. The last time, show me the best you have.” I can’t believe that I just said this. Yuuri once has reached my heart through his dance, if he does that again… I will admit everything I was denying until now. Oh, my… anyway, it’s a stupid idea. Whatever.

“I will win against you.” These words made me turn back. Yuuri slowly stretched his back, also making me go back two more steps. He looks serious. We were looking right into each other's eyes. I have never felt this kind of tense between us before. Drop by drop… drop by drop it started to rain.


	17. Anniversary Part 2. Yuuri & Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey~~
> 
> Damn... I can't even explain how much work I have in uni these days also a lot of stressful situations. But as I promised to someone I tried my best to finish this chapter on Thursday, even if it's Friday night here TT_TT I am sorry... hugs?
> 
> As I promised smuuuut~~ I love smuuuut~~ that was niceeee~~~~
> 
> Next chapter is from pov of Yuuri, chapter 59 will be from POV of both from Yuuri and Victor. And chapter 60 is a spin-off about Otayuri <3 Done with spoilers for now.
> 
> Oh, and I love Phichit btw. Just saying. Victuuri fandom FTW.
> 
> See you,  
> Lots of love,  
> Vitavili <3

* * *

 

**Yuuri**

* * *

 

We were staring at each other and I could feel how it gets harder and harder to breathe in. It was dumb of me to fall, but that moment when Victor started turning around I got into the panic, no matter what if I let him go this time, it will get worse. Especially because he understood everything wrong. Because of my failure, my hurt side was burning from pain, but I tried to keep my look as calm as I could. I didn’t expect these words from him, how he ended up with this idea? But if it’s the only way to bring my Victor back, I will do it. Ice competition, it should sound fun and even remind about old times, but then why the tension between us is so strong and it doesn’t fade… like we were getting ready to fight for world’s gold medal. But maybe this is even more serious, I can’t deny… if Victor thinks that only dance can prove my real feelings for him, then it really means a lot to him. I was ready to do anything, that’s why I was trying to ignore pain and show him that I am also serious about this. But then I saw a grin on his lips… the rain was getting stronger and drops were running down Victor’s face taking a hold on his lips and falling down on the ground. I could see only this.

“What?” In my heart I was still so surprised that Victor actually came, I had so many questions to him, but there was something strange in this gap between us and I didn’t know what it is, but I couldn’t get closer. Victor just helped me to stand up and then moved from me right away, he didn’t want me to touch him.

“You are really so sure about the winning part?” when he asked, I blinked few times. He was there standing and smiling, so full of confidence, so close yet so far. I don’t understand… what is this feeling? It’s growing slowly, but at the same time, it’s getting stronger. And the process of breathing soon will get impossible.

“Of course,” I spoke more silently than I wanted but still managed to keep my voice calm. I said this to a man who has won Gran Prix final six times… on the other hand, the record of points for the free program until now still belongs to me. Now I felt that this became not just about proving my feelings to him, but also from the professional side. This fight, the last one, just between us… what can happen?

“Wow… Just amazing…” These words which usually he was saying with happy and even funny voice now started strangling me. Just a few minutes ago he finally accepted the fact that we are married, I could even tell that he was jealous and now I again feel that terrible cold.

“Perfect.” I slowly nod, feeling how the second day in a row my clothes are getting soaking wet. The chills were going through my spine nonstop so even if I wanted to stay strong my body started trembling on his own.

“Marvelous.” I don't understand how he can stand under the rain and look like completely unknown but breathtaking god?

“Fantastic!” I shouted at him because he is so calm and I this tension is killing me. It makes me so angry, like that time when I hit him. I really would like to do it one more time. Why he is so stubborn??

“Just wonderful…” that grin on his face is just… just… how can he even...

“Fuck it!” No… I really can't breathe anymore. This feeling is giving me pain, it’s dragging me somewhere and I don’t want to find the answer… or maybe I need to find it so bad, that everything else no longer makes sense and I can’t control my words.

“Exactly.” After this everything suddenly exploded like an atomic bomb. I or he moved first I don’t remember, but one second after I was in Victor’s arms. I jumped wrapping my legs around his waist. Victor grabbed my hair hard and I did the same and we sucked into each other lips. I won’t even call this a kiss because it wouldn’t describe this. I was licking and biting his lips, not holding the moans when Victor’s tongue literally just started raping my mouth, it was everywhere, made me feel every part inside. And I didn’t care that we are in the middle of Barcelona doing this while it’s raining so hard, that water was running into my mouth and nose and I was feeling how Victor’s wet hair slips from my fingers so I tried to hold on them harder. I was trembling so hard in his arms, but the feeling was fantastic. Victor grabbed my lower lip between his teeth and I silently moaned from pain and pleasure then slowly opened my eyes, but he wasn’t looking at me. Victor’s eyes were still closed as he was thinking about something. Isn’t he feeling the same as me? I feel amazing after I finally overcame something I was holding inside me for such a long time.

“Victor…” I let go of his hair and gently touched wet face, catching the rain drops on his skin, but it was raining too hard for me to stop them all. He moved a little bit and it was a sign for me to jump down. Even when I was back on my feet I still couldn’t let him go, hoping that Victor will open his eyes and look at me. But he didn’t, at least on in that way I was expecting. He suddenly grabbed my hand and started dragging me somewhere. I almost had to run that I could go together with him. I wanted to ask where are we going so fast, but I guess deep in my heart I didn’t care. It doesn’t matter where, if I am with Victor the place does matter. The fact that this Victor wants to be with me, was enough for now. The only question how he sees where to go? Because of the hard rain which was turning into the storm the view was getting really unclear.

Victor suddenly turned around the corner and after few minutes turned again. We entered really narrow and dark street with the dead end. Maybe because of its construction the rain was not so heavy here. Are we going to hide here until the rain calms down? But I don’t think the weather will get better until tomorrow. Victor stopped walking and I looked around. All windows were closed with wooden louvers and I don’t think that any people ever comes to this street, it’s just a small gap between two apartment houses. I was getting really cold and even if the rain was not that strong it was still raining on us. I pressed Victor’s hand harder and wanted to ask something… but to be honest I don’t even remember what it was because at the same moment he quickly turned around grabbed my other hand and pressed me hard against the wall. He was behind my back and my face was pressed to a cold and wet brick. I gasped, but all my reactions were just too slow. Victor’s hard and hot breathing next to my ear made me tremble even more.

“Yuuri…” I can’t believe I just moaned from his voice. The way he said my name made me want to lean back and touch his chest with my back, but once I tried this, Victor pressed my body harder and I couldn’t move. It even hurt. He opened mouth and bit my ear making me flinch, his hot tongue touching this part somehow made me feel so weak. What is he doing to me? Finally, he let my hands go and I felt how Victor presses his body to mine. I was feeling his strong and hard erection under his jeans and that made my head, even more, dizzier. He wants me… damn, why I feel so happy about this? With my hand, I searched for his jacket and pressed it hard between my fingers. Once we get back to the hotel I will gladly accept all feelings, he is holding inside.

“Victor let’s go to hotel…” I said, but that only made him silently laugh. How should I call this sound? I won’t say it was creepy, but that made me open eyes widely. We are not going to the hotel. Before I said anything else, he covered my mouth with his palm and I grabbed his hand. It’s still a public place… I am not sure that I want to do it here. But who could ever tell Victor what he can do and what he cannot? His other hand got under my wet jeans and I shivered when his fingers touched my butt, they not just touched, they squeezed one of the butt cheeks so hard that I flinched from the pain and let the moan into his hand. He will definitely leave a bruise. “I don’t… want to… do it… here…” I tried to say this, but all I let out was some strange mumbling. From trying to release any kind of sound I could feel how saliva runs down through the corner of my lips. All I could do, it’s grab on his jacket harder.

“Really?” Victor licked my chin and my head moved on its own giving more space for this. How the hell he even understood my words? When Victor suddenly pulled down my pants and grabbed my hard cock into his hand I leaned a little bit forward from surprise that way pressing my naked butt right into his hard front. Victor started moving, not only his hand but also hips. The unpleasing feeling I got when rough jeans material was rubbing against my skin started mixing with the pleasure from the moves of his hand. Victor was stroking my cock hard and fast and I pressed his hand which I was holding with my fingers harder, letting my nails in his skin. He was fucking me through his jeans and my skin became so sensitive it was tingling and twitching. I am not evening talking about those hot bubbles of air he was letting into my ear or those heating wet sticky paths he left on my neck with his tongue. I will come… I will come… Jeez Christ. I almost got up on my tiptoes.

But everything was over too soon, he suddenly let me go, leaving me on the edge and my knees were trembling, he let me completely go… my mouth, my cock, my body… I grabbed on the wall. Gravity was pulling me down to the ground, stronger than ever before. All I could do was breathe hard and fast feeling complete lost, cold and…

“Nghaahnaah!” it was the mix of sounds I let out from my throat when Victor suddenly grabbed my hair, making me turn back my head at the same time he grabbed my waist, don’t tell me… no…no. After this, the scream that I let out from my mouth can't be described, when he suddenly entered me. Even if our bodies were wet from the rain and his cock was lubricated by his own pre-cum, I couldn’t be ready for this. It’s impossible to be ready for this kind of sudden move, that takes every single drop of air from your lungs and this pain just got inside me from the bottom right to the top of my heart. It’s mine pain, or his? Victor started moving right away holding my body hard, fucking me fast without any mercy, moving his hips back and forth, almost without any rhythm, without any sign of control. It’s the same… as his suffering. Victor is everywhere. Since all my body wanted to scream I tried to open my mouth more, but I couldn’t let the sound. Victor pulled my head back so much that it was almost touching his shoulder, he placed his lips on my neck and bit it hard, but those gargling I was making were nothing… zero compared to what I wanted to do. My mouth was full of water, it was running down my chin and I tried not to choke. Easy to say hard to do, from the panic that my body got, I grabbed on Victor’s hair and pressed his face harder to my skin that way causing myself, even more, pain. I bumped hard against the wall with whole my body when Victor moved so hard and sudden that I couldn’t hold still on my feet even with him holding me. Another hand I let into the wall trying to grab it with my nails. I had to move my hips, I had to, and even if I wasn’t so strong to move this fast, but this was the only answer I could give to him. Even if Victor thought that he is doing this against my will I had to prove him wrong.

I heard how he silently moans when I gave the first response and after that, my hips just moved on their own. He let go of my hair and turned my head. Our lips met, he had to take from me all the rain water I had in my mouth, it was hot, wet and that brought me back to life. Victor moaned again in my mouth and I finally did the same, even if my throat was hurting like hell. His burning tongue licked mine and I had to swallow what I had in my mouth including his saliva.

“Vict-“ before I finished his named I bumped into the wall again, this time even stronger than the first. Victor pressed my waist harder and got all inside me, then stopped. The heat from inside made the scream go out. Finally. He came inside me and I was melting in his arms. Even if I didn’t reach my climax I was totally sucked out. Victor’s sweet sounds which he was making into my mouth while coming were turning me into nothing. He just did it… Stronger than that time when we got back together in 2019 because this wound inside his chest was still open. He loves me… he loves me so much, but he can’t forgive me. He never will. That ripped me apart. When Victor pulled out his cock from me and let me ago I got down on my knees. I just fell, I couldn’t stand or stop this. My body was too heavy for my feet. I pressed my forehead to the wall looking at my trembling hands. Is it the rain or my tears? Everything feels the same. Will he leave me here?

* * *

**Victor**

* * *

 

  
If my wounded heart could jump from the chest, I think this time was perfect for it. But it couldn’t… just beating inside my chest like a drum making me breathe deep and fast. What just happened was exactly what I needed. I couldn’t understand this until now, but… I literally needed to see how his body is devoted to me, I need to feel Yuuri’s reactions and see how he really feels. He is the same… the same weak, undecided, lost and… mine. The same I remember. Maybe I was too rough, I am sure I hurt him a lot and I even didn’t let him come, but he didn’t resist. And now Yuuri is on his knees in front of me and I am standing behind him… I can’t move because I don’t want him to see how I am crying. I don’t know what I am feeling… I am still mad and it hurts when I try to think about everything… about the pain he left and all those nights and days I spent looking for him, all those nights I was trying to forget him even going at that point that I tried to end my life. I can still hear reporters and journalists shouting next to my apartment, people laughing from my pain like my life would be nothng more than television show or reading news how Victor Nikiforov is going insane. Maybe that’s true… but thinking that it would have never happened if not him leaving me that snowy February morning… if he waited just for a few hours more until I wake up… I am sure everything would have been different now. But that’s what we got. I want to see Yuuri skating for me again, that’s only thing I really want from him now. It won’t take my pain away and I won’t forgive him… but at least maybe I will be able to live with this pain. I mean… I can lose my memories again any second… but before that maybe… just maybe I can try to wake up from this enteral punishment that life gave for me.

When I pulled on my jeans, I leaned forward and took him into my arms, helped Yuuri to stand up, his legs were shivering so hard that I won’t think that he will be able to walk by himself. He didn’t say anything just turned around and hugged me hard like he could feel thankful for what I just did to please myself. It just can’t be helped. I helped him to pull on his pants, Yuuri flinched when I touched his butt, but that just made him cling to me harder. He even couldn't wrap his legs around my waist so I had to lift his body and hold on them, that way holding his whole body. Yuuri just wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed his face to my shoulder. I can’t even describe how much he was trembling.

When we got back to the street me carrying him like a huge baby, I saw a taxi spot near. Let’s just hope that Yuuri has cash because I don’t have any. I walked to the free one.

“Buenos tardes. Todo bien?” (Good evening. Is everything alright?) The driver asked when I somehow got into the back of the car still holding Yuuri the same way. Just amazing how even if we look like total foreigners driver still speaks with us in Spanish.

“Si… Barcelona Arts hotel, por favor.” (Yes… Barcelona Arts hotel, please.) I said letting Yuuri’s legs and wrapping my arms around his waist. Will he stop shivering? It feels like he is a lost puppy that I just found in the street.

“I didn’t know that you can speak Spanish…” he finally talked, but the voice was so quiet that it took me some seconds to understand what he is talking about.

“I don’t.” I rolled my eyes and sighed. It’s common phrases, I mean it’s not my first time in Spain so it’s nothing special. Am I being mean again?

“We need… to talk…” I felt how he turns his head a little bit, but I was looking through the window. Talk… maybe that’s the only thing I can’t do by staying calm. If we try to talk about this, I will start feeling this wound again, like adding more salt and I don’t think that he wants this. “Victor…” he touched my chin with his hand, right that place where I still had hurting bruise, so I just pressed my lips harder. At least his fingers are cold. I still didn’t answer and Yuuri gave up, it’s not like I would have thrown him out from moving car, but it was a good choice not to try my patience.

When the taxi stopped in front of the hotel, gladly I found some cash in the back pocket of his jeans, they were wet and the driver was not happy about this, but I didn’t ask for change, so he gave up. We got out, Yuuri was already standing on his feet, hugging himself with arms, looking somewhere down. Well, he is the one who has the keys from the room, so he is letting me in or not? It was not even a question when we walked inside, Yuuri was looking at me every 15 seconds like he wanted to be sure that I won’t run away. I mean I came from Japan so why should I? Though I am not actually sure why I came here. We got up with elevator and Yuuri stopped in front of his room door, he made sure that I would enter first and just then walked in. That’s a big bed, so it’s true... he wanted me to come with him here… Why Yuuri? Why are you trying so hard even after all those things I said to you? He walked into the bathroom and I sat on the bed. In 2016 we were staying in another hotel, but Yuuri chose this one, which was further from the ice center. Why?

“Take off wet clothes.” He came out just with his underwear. I looked at his body which for my eyes was still too skinny. In the hospital, I was totally blind, but now I clearly saw this. I would say to him that he must eat. But who are we now? I even don’t know who I am.

“Where was your Eros side hiding when we were on that street?” I asked and Yuuri suddenly blushed hard. Now he is ordering me around, but just twenty minutes ago he was incapable even of lifting his head. I don’t know why I was trying to find old things about him. Obviously, this Yuuri was so different from the one I knew, years has changed him. But I can still make his cheeks turn in that hard red color. Here he is. The same one who decided to leave me. Yuuri still walked forward until he was standing in front of me, he leaned and took off my jacket then started unbuttoning my shirt. I didn’t stop him from that. He opened my shirt and pulled them down from my shoulders then he took my face into his hands and made me look at his eyes. Yuuri was without glasses, but his eyes were shining. That made me surprised, why he looks so happy? I am not doing anything…

“You are so beautiful… did you know that? I love you, I love you so much, Victor.” I pressed my lips and shook my head. I want to think so much that he is lying to me. I was sure about this, but now while looking at his eyes, I can’t force myself to think like that. That’s what I was afraid the most… of this moment, that’s why I was avoiding to look at him. Because I knew in my heart I always knew that this moment will come when his eyes will make me break again. I don’t want to trust him, but what I can do… I am powerless against this strong feeling. “I am so sorry, that I hit you… I am sorry.” For him to say this word became so easy, Yuuri leaned even more forward until his lips touched my cheek where he slapped me. He gave me one small kiss, then another and one more, like apologizing to every part of my cheek separately. Those little sweet kisses were heating my cheek, there were so small but strong enough to make my heart beat faster. “Yurio did this to you?” this time he touched my chin with his lips turning the pain into the pleasure. Damn it…

“Not exactly.” I move my head and Yuuri stretched his back. I actually do feel good next to him. That’s another thing that I was afraid of. I turned my eyes down and just now I saw the wound on his side. All this time it was hidden under a bandage, I remember seeing it few times in the shower… but it wasn’t that red before. In the hospital, I told him that I want to see him dead… “Why it’s red?” I touched It with the tips of my fingers and heard how Yuuri gaps, does it hurt?

“I don’t have bandage with me… it’s nothing I will ask Simon to look at it when we get back to Japan.” Unlike like me Yuuri didn’t ask to move my hand, I could see that he enjoyed every touch even if it hurt. Isn’t he a little bit of masochist?

“Who was that child next to you?” This evening... it’s just somehow different. I can’t feel hatred, I can’t feel real bad feelings for Yuuri. Maybe just pain… a lot of it, but even this is somehow different. Is it because I remember what happened between us on these days when my memories were jumping back and forward? Or because I remember how I felt when I thought that it’s 2018 and Yuuri is not with me? When he didn’t answer I lifted my eyes, it’s like he doesn’t understand what I was asking about. Really?

“Ooohh… you mean Lucas, and he is not a child by the way." Who cares? "He is also a skater, just from Norway, I met him accidently today… at least I thought this way. I will kill Phichit, what he is even thi-“

“Was there someone else? While… you were not with me.” I didn’t want to talk about Phichit at all right now. This question was also the one who was bothering me quite a lot. Maybe he left me because he wanted to try something new?

“That’s you fear? That’s why you were pushing me away?” he asked not giving me a proper answer so I quickly moved my hand. So there was someone else? “Chto ty khochesh', Vitya? Chto ty deystvitel'no khochesh'?” (What do you want, Vitya? What do you truly want?) He got me again in this. I couldn’t understand the fact that he speaks Russian so well. I don’t know why hearing him talking in my mother language made me feel so weak. I gave up.

“Mne strashno…” (I am scared…) I am scared that one day I might wake alone again. I am afraid that people will be laughing at my pain again. I am scared to be alone. I am scared to be broken. I am scared of lies and hidden meanings. I am scared of pain he can bring to me. Because Yuuri is the only person in the world that can hurt me so bad. I am afraid to forgive him.

“Osoreru koto wa arimasen...” (There is nothing to fear.) What? I leaned back. I understand that it Japanese, but for him to change between languages so fast made me feel even more confused. I didn’t understand what he is trying to say for me. What… what should answer?

“Quoi?” (What?) If we are showing our language skills now, I spoke in French. Yuuri opened his mouth, I never spoke French with him, so I guess I won this fight. I always win. “Je te veux.” (I want you.) He doesn’t understand a thing I am saying, right? I can say whatever I want. I suddenly grabbed his underwear and pulled them down. As I thought Yuuri was already hard. It’s true, I want him… at the same moment, I can’t believe this. So I am still in between of fear and desire. His underwear slid down on the floor and I grabbed Yuuri’s butt and made him move closer.

“Wait… it’s dir--- aaah…” I didn’t let him finish. With my free hand, I took his cock between my fingers and slowly licked it the base, from the bottom to the top.

“Shut up and enjoy,” I said before taking the top of it inside of my mouth. I pressed the top of his cock with my tongue and sucked it a little bit then licked around, Yuuri suddenly moaned and grabbed my hair. I found the spot.

I took it deeper into my mouth making it wet with my saliva. It’s getting bigger inside. I took it, even more, deeper heating it up with my tongue. There was no need for that, Yuuri’s cock inside my mouth was already so hot. As I didn’t rush at all, I felt how he tried to move hips, but I held them with my hand. Don’t rush, let me enjoy until the end. I started sucking it slow, to be honest, I tried to remember the feeling of this, it’s like… licking melting ice cream, I felt how Yuuri is leaning more and more on me and his fingers which were holding on my hair starts to shiver. I moved my hand the same as my head, this way making Yuuri try moving again. He is already so hard and twitching so fast in my mouth, I feel how bad he wants to come. But I knew that he will try to pull me away just before coming, so I did what he didn’t expect from zero it suddenly turned into one million. I started sucking his cock hard and deep taking it inside as much as I could. Yuuri moaned hard and tried to move my head, without stop making sounds, but when I gently rubbed his base with my teeth, Yuuri flinched he froze for a second I pressed his hips harder and he couldn’t do anything just come inside my mouth. It was hot and a little bit bitter, but I swallowed it all finally letting him go. Yuuri almost fell but since he was still holding on my hair he managed to stay on his feet.

He looked right into my eyes and I couldn’t tell what he is thinking right now. His cheeks were burning, brown eyes got even darker and the only one word inside my head was cute, I remember… he always blushes like this.

“Vkusno…” I said just with my lips and he opened mouth from surprise then suddenly jumped on me, straddling my legs, wrapping both hands around my neck and pressed his lips against mine. This word just slipped out because I just can’t ignore anymore what’s going on. I just can’t…. It’s impossible. Even for me.

“Victor, tell me that you need me…” he begged when I lifted my hips a little bit to take off my jeans from the butt. But I didn’t. I just started him kissing even harder. I can’t say this, not now… not. With my hands, I searched for his little tight hole between his butt cheeks and slowly put two of my fingers inside. Yuuri grabbed me harder and silently moaned from pleasure or from the pain I didn’t know. I could imagine that from both. He was still so soft inside after the last time we did it.

“Victor… please…say…” he begged again, but at the same time, I pulled my fingers out and slowly started putting inside my cock. Yuuri grabbed my face with both of his palms and made me look at him. He wanted to say something more, but he couldn’t. I felt how he tries to find a better position to take it all… but it was too deep and he was squeezing me so hard, that even for me was hard to hold back the voice. Yuuri gave up faster. He was still looking right into my eyes, but he opened mouth and let the sound out and then burst into tears. This time I reached for his lips and Yuuri didn’t try to stop his hips. He chose how fast he wants to move and what to do with this. When he couldn’t hold on any longer, Yuuri just pressed his forehead to my shoulder and started moving faster up and down, also trying to find the spot. I closed my eyes and pressed his body in my arms.

“Victor… please… please…” he was crying so hard, making my heart pound and beat like crazy. It got hard to breathe and think. I suddenly grabbed his hips and made him sit on me fully, going inside him as deep as I could. Yuuri screamed and started trembling. I came hard inside him and this time his my body was shivering more than his. “Please… tell… that you need me… Victor… tell…” he repeated again and again without any strengths just sitting on me. His hot tears were burning my skin harder than acid… his pain at this second, finally was even stronger than mine.

Yuuri passed out after crying and I laid next to him covering us both with the blanket. His face was still red this time for cries and I still could see tears on his eyelashes. With my thumb, I wiped them away and he moved head rubbing his cheek into my palm. I wonder what he is dreaming about? To be honest there are some things I hate about him so much… and they are stopping me from the last move. I hate him that he is the only one who can make me cry… I hate that when he is right, but even more I hate when he tries to lie, I hate that because of him I have to lie to myself… but the most… the most I hate the fact that actually, I can’t hate him. Not even close. Not even a little bit. Not even at all…

“I need you Yuuri… I need you.” I sighed finally admitting this. “I need you… fuck… I need you so much.” My voice cracked and didn’t hold back, I kissed his lips. “I wish I could remember…. I wish... Happy anniversary, Yuuri.”

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

 

I woke up from the pain in my side. Yesterday when I saw the wound in the bathroom I already thought that it doesn't look very good, but now it really started to hurt that’s why I opened my eyes suddenly and wide. Victor was lying next to me with his face pressed to pillow… how can he even breathe? It was still really early, the sun just started showing up, well… we went to sleep yesterday really early and because of the jet lag slept for so long. And yesterday… yesterday I cried so much asking for him to give up and tell that he needs me, but I couldn’t break Victor… I guess I will have to fight for this a little bit more. But the fact that we finally talked and I could hold this Victor in my arms was like reached goal. If I can have this Victor… I can have everything. I slowly turned on my side (the one that didn’t hurt) looked and touched his cheek, it was burning. Does he has fever??

“Victor… wake up, wake up.” I touched his lips and then shoulder, he even didn’t move. Oh, God. I tried to turn him around and on my half way, he suddenly opened eyes, making me freeze.

“My throat hurts…” it was his first words and I sighed. Oh, he is the same as he was yesterday. What a relief. I touched his forehead again, well maybe the temperature is not that high but he still has it. I swallowed my words I wanted to say about his hurting throat, not a time for dirty jokes. I leaned forward and our eyes met. His blue eyes in the morning always are so sleepy but today they were not looking really healthy.

“You-“ I just started speaking when I heard knocking on the door. Who the hell? It’s like 5 a.m. Victor also looked to that side and then covered himself until the eyes. He is right, I am not going to open the door. But who needs that when they can open it by themselves. It was Seung-Gil, he just entered the room with that calm face of his holding a phone in his hand. How did he even know that we woke up? Was he standing next to the room and listening? Does this man even sleep? And how he just entered the room like this? My underwear was lying just next to his feet now. God damn it.

“Phichit wants to talk with you.” He said giving me the phone and then turned around. How… now my opinion changed a little bit, this man just has an incredible patience, I am sure Phichit has woken him up in the middle of the night and asked to stand in the corridor and wait until we wake up. Seung-Gil left the room and closed the door a little bit louder than he should have. I looked at the screen. I saw Phichit's face and after seeing his wide smile I just wanted to throw this phone through the window.

“Yuuuuuri, Victor good morning!!! How was your anniversary night? Good??” he started giggling and I almost could feel how Victor is rolling his eyes, I was holding my thumb on end button.

“I am not talking with you. What was with that Lucas yesterday? Did you send him after me or what?” at first I didn’t want to talk with him, but then these words just slipped out when I remember Lucas reaction to our talk with Victor.

“Well doooh, Yuuri… he was in Barcelona so I just asked if he sees you around to take care of you… well, maybe I mentioned to him some places where you might be…” he made that innocent face and shrugged. No, really. Goodbye Phichit. “Did Vitya got jealous? Hmmm?” with poker face I turned my phone a little bit that Phichit could see Victor.

“Ha. Hahaha. Hahaha…” Victor played that he is laughing and just now I heard that his voice is really hoarse.

“Ooooh, Victor how much did you screamed yesterday! Did Yuuri did a good blow-“

“That’s enough, Phichit. It’s five in the morning here. We are going back to sleep and let your poor boyfriend also go to sleep. You should have come here on your own and not sending poor Seung-Gil. Goodbye.” I sighed, but Phichit suddenly raised his hand stopping me. What now?

“First Seung is my fiancé, not a boyfriend doooh. And second I couldn’t come because I was busy on making anniversary present for you both.” Oh my… please just don’t tell that it’s… I don’t know… something really perverted. Like a book of fanfictions about us. That would be horrible.

“What present…?” Victor asked, of course, he is concerned about this, what else. Couldn’t that present wait until we come back?

“Wait where did… what the…” I saw how Phichit stands up and walks somewhere. I am not sure that I am ready for this. “Oh here… hey, leave that. Come. Remember how we learned?” Who is he talking to? Even Victor got up on his elbows to look at the phone. “Oneeee… Twooo… Threee.”

“Happily anivelsaly Yuuli and Vitya!!” right in front of our eyes in that really small screen, which now got, even more, smaller we both saw smiling Shuusei’s face (covered in chocolate) he was clapping with his small hands, looking right at us with those blue eyes, brighter than the sky. I grabbed on Victor’s hand when my heart stopped. Shuusei…


	18. Forgive me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello from the other side~~
> 
> Just two things:
> 
> All actions in the last chapter were planned on purpose, I am no regretting any of them. Without last chapter, this one would be impossible. I hope this chapter explains a lot~~~  
> Second, sorry for not answering comments, I had a free Saturday so I wanted to finish this chapter first. I will answer them soon, don't worry <3 they are all saved in my inbox <3
> 
> oh, btw, I usually don't write things without meanings and for this chapter, you should remember the dream Victor had about Yuuri leaving him, just before waking up in the sex shop with lost memories~ It was also written on purpose because it was the thing he was holding on until now. Let it gooooo, Vitya!~~
> 
> Kisses from so faaaar faaar away~~~  
> Vitavili.

Phichit let us see Shuusei’s face just for one second and then he ended up the call, this way giving the hint that we have to go back. My heart was pounding in the chest and I couldn’t hide the happiness that might be waiting for us. I mean… I don’t have any idea how Phichit was able to do that, but for the answers, we needed to go back. I heard how Victor sighs next to me and lies down, covering himself with the blanket again. It's still too early to do something… After what happened yesterday we still needed to talk and I was sure that I will make him listen to me this time, but he has a fever and pretty shitty voice so I can’t make him speak with me right away. I got from the bed and put on the bathrobe then walked out, Seung-Gil was standing next to the door with dead eyes.

“I am sorry about that…” I gave his phone back. “It must be hard sometimes to deal with every Phichit’s idea.” Even if a smile for Seung-Gil was kind of impossible action, I smiled at him not expecting his reaction. He looked at me for a second and shook his head.

“It’s not hard. It’s just who he is and I accepted this long ago.” Seung-Gil gave me just a small grin but left me in shock. Not because of his words… more because I felt that they were meant not just for him.

  
As I saw that Seung-Gil also really needs sleep and Victor fell asleep as soon as he laid his head back on the pillow, I didn’t have another choice just to do the same. It sounded better than walking around and thinking about questions for which I didn’t have answers. I hoped that after what happened yesterday Victor will finally open up for me. But I didn’t have an idea when or how. My side was pulsating, but the pain wasn’t that strong anymore not like in the butt for example… but if it’s what Victor needed from me, I gave it to him. I would give anything.

I opened my eyes and looked at closed curtains, from the small gap I was able to see that it’s sunny outside and that the rain stopped, so it would be a perfect timing to leave because it might start raining again. On our way back to Japan we will have a lot of free time for talks. A lot of free time for me to make Victor…

“Victor?” I turned around and I forgot what I was thinking because his side of the bed was empty. The door from the bathroom was opened as I left them yesterday so I was sure that there is no one inside. He was not in the room. And his clothes were gone. First thought for me was that he went to meet Seung-Gil or maybe he went to eat or… Damn it, it’s the first time I am waking up alone without him without any idea where he might be gone. Actually… this feeling is kind of unpleasant, but Victor can’t leave. He even doesn’t have money for… God... I quickly ran into the bathroom where I left my clothes yesterday and looked around, my phone was lying in the same place but the credit card was gone.

I swear I have never ignored the pain in my life, but now my hurting butt and side didn’t matter, I couldn’t understand why Victor decided to leave? I honestly thought that I gave him yesterday what he wanted, I didn’t resist even if in my heart I would rather be talking first than having sex. But I did it for him, I hoped that he will see that I trust him with everything I have. So then why? The hell why? Where did you go, Victor? I ran down the stairs because I was feeling too impatient to wait for the elevator. I ran into the restaurant downstairs and saw Seung-Gil drinking tea, he was sitting alone and typing something on his phone.

“Is he with you??” I walked quickly between other tables, not paying attention that people are staring at me. Yeah, I haven’t unbuttoned my shirt, so what? At least I am with jeans. Seung-Gil looked at me and I understood that he doesn’t have any idea what the hell I am talking about. That made me sit down on the chair in front of him without any strengths. “You don’t know… damn it…” I didn’t have any idea when Victor left so he might be even sitting on the plane right now.

“He won’t run too far… He doesn’t have money. You want tea?” Seung-Gil talked calmly and drank a little bit from his cup. I was staring at him with empty eyes.

“He has my credit card.” My voice was also empty, I couldn’t put any emotions inside. What now? He doesn’t have a phone and can take out money anywhere. If he uses cash I won't be able to check where he used the card. He didn’t leave me any hint where he might possibly go. The worst part about this was that Victor is totally unstable if he loses his memory on his way… I don’t even want to think what will happen. Should I go to the police?

“He knows your pin code?” How… how can Seung-Gil sit so calm, when I am starting to get into panic mode so fast. My mind was creating worst possibilities what my happen to Victor, and every of them was getting worse and worse. And of course Victor knows my pin code, I have been using the same one my entire life. He knows everything about me. “Alright… I will go to the airport then, to check the flights and you go to the city… Though it doesn’t sound like him at all… more like you.” Really funny. I looked at Seun-Gil again and then went from here. Where should I search? Barcelona is huge and Victor knows this city better than I do. This how it feels to search with empty hands.

When I came back to the hotel it was already lunch, I have visited almost every place where he might be, or at least I thought that he might go and there was million plus one place where he also might be. But since my phone was dead, I tried to turn it on, but obviously after 3 days not using it, I couldn’t, I had to go back to the hotel and see Seung-Gil. I felt terribly exhausted, and not just my body but also my mental state. The feeling was almost the same when I thought that Victor has died because this time he left on his own without telling me. That… just sounds…

“Seung-Gil!” he was waiting for me in the hallway, sitting on the couch with his laptop, he just rolled eyes and showed me with his hand up. Don’t tell me he found Victor and made he come back? “Where was he?” I asked stopping for a second, did something happened?

“Nowhere… it’s time to get your shit back together. You have around three hours, then we have to leave to the airport.” Nowhere? What does he mean by this? From current Seung-Gil’s face, I saw that he is tired of everything here. I am sure he really came because of Phichit, how else? He was a patient guy, but I guess everything has limits. I turned my head, feeling a little bit guilty about this situation but also really angry at Victor. He just left like this, without any warning, making me run around all Barcelona like crazy searching for him. Is he out of his mind? He is, I know he is. If not this bullshit we could be already on our way back.

“You think it’s funny??“ I opened the door and saw him sitting on the armchair with crossed legs, looking through the window, he must have seen me when I came back to the hotel. Victor turned his head at me. He doesn’t look good, Victor’s cheeks were blushed and even from here I saw that his lips are dry. This makes everything even worse. I couldn’t stop myself from raising my voice, he is even worse than a child! “Do you have any idea how worried I was? Why have you done that?! I thought that after ye-“

“How does it feel?” he asked silently, not letting me finish. This question was enough for me to step back and press my back against the wall. Just a second before I wanted to come and shake him, but now I was completely lost. What? “How does it feel… to wake up alone not knowing anything? How does it feel to think that somebody left you? Somebody… you thought that you can trust?” He closed his mouth with palm and coughed few times and then sighed. My legs started to tremble… so as my voice.

“You… you did… this… on purpose?” I asked forgetting that I wanted to shout at him. I blinked a few times, but I couldn’t turn away my eyes, just look right at his serious face and understand that this plan was in his head from the start. “Why…? Why, Victor? Why would do something like that to me? I thought… I thought that… god damn it, I thought that you finally understood! Yesterday I gave to you everything you needed even if really didn’t want to be fucked in public place! I did this not because I wanted that, but because I thought that you need this! Because…”

“Exactly… because you thought that I need this. As I see you still don’t understand anything… that yesterday was not about just sex. It was about you…” I am getting so confused and I still, in the end, started to shout, while Victor’s voice was calm like a still water. It’s like we have changed the roles. “When you broke your leg… you stopped talking with me, I would have done anything for at least any word, for any sign that you still love me. How many times did you tell me to shut up? How many times you just turned around and walked out? How many times did I beg for you to tell me how you feel? And then… we started having sex again, you remember? You thought that sex might solve everything… You needed me just for this. And I was dumb, I was like… alright, maybe if I give him what he wants then maybe finally he will open up for me. So now… let’s see it from this side… yesterday you thought that I need this, so you let me do whatever I wanted even against your will. And did sex save the day? Did it get better now, huh? Did this solve any kind of problems we have? You understand how I was feeling back then? If only you wouldn't have left, Yuuri…” While listening to Victor I started to cry from his second sentence I and couldn’t stop. His words squeezed my heart so hard and I had to grab on my chest. He was right… I was like that. When I understood that I won’t be able to skate anymore it turned into depression and just while we were having sex I could forget the pain, the fact that I am worthless now. I thought that I am getting better this way, but actually, it was getting worse and worse until the point where I broke completely and left. I didn’t speak to Victor… Victor didn’t want to speak with me yesterday. He… he was acting like me, he wanted me to feel the same. Just now I understood how bad I was hurting Victor not just by leaving him, but since the time everything started.

“You are right… I did this… I was lost. I thought that after I broke my leg you don’t need me anymore. I am sorry, Victor… I was thinking just about myself back then. I was so into my pain that I couldn’t see that you are suffering even more than I did. But I also wanted to set you free, to give you another chance because I didn’t have any. And then…”

“Then you gave up, right?” I slowly nodded and sobbed wiping tears from my cheeks. When I came back in 2021 we got back together so quickly and everything turned into normal conversation, just a story where I told him what I was doing all these years alone. Victor told me some things in London about his feelings, but I don’t know why it didn’t hurt back then as much as it hurts now. Maybe because he just made me feel all of this on my own. “So why you… can feel angry at me for leaving you today, but I can’t be mad at you for leaving me? The night before you left, you told me that you love me, remember? It was the first time you said this after the accident… you finally admitted this. But you already knew that you will leave me, right? You already had planned everything… and you just came like: let’s have Victor’s dick for the last time. And now I am a bad person here.” I flinched from the word “dick” because it sounded rough and it was the first time he said this naked truth right into my face. I know what I have done… but it was in 2019… and this Victor is still there. Seeking to prove me my mistakes. But I already accepted them and I take all the blame on me… but at the same time, this sets me free.

“You are not a bad person, Victor… everyone was just trying to explain that… it’s not two thousand and nineteen anymore. I can’t even describe everything that happened to us since then… how much we went through together, how strong we became. And I am not afraid to talk anymore, I am not afraid to say how I feel. I have changed. You changed me, you made me a better person and I can prove this…” I tried to hold on the wall with my hands but my whole body was sliding down until I sat on the floor. Even if my words were strong, but I am still too weak. My chest hurts so badly and for Victor, it also hurts, I can see that his face got almost pale white.

“Oh really? You love to talk… let’s think… you have told me a story how we had sex in the hotel around 10 times, but how about those parts were… Yurio have beaten you? Or I don’t know… when you were kidnaped? Or that "insignificant" part about your lost memories? I think you have missed basic parts which actually could have changed my opinion. So where was your “I am not afraid to talk” then? Or maybe it was fun for you… because one day I may lose my memory and think that it's two thousand and sixteen another day two thousand and eighteen or something like that. So for you, it’s like traveling in time for free, right? Are you making fun of my illness?” I started shaking my head, it’s nothing like that… I even haven’t thought about everything this way, but when Victor explained it really looks like I have been playing with him. “I mean... so what? One day I might wake up without any memories at all… I won’t remember this conversation or in general anything. But you know… even then I will still have feelings. And if you won’t stop playing with my heart, this will continue… you think you are protecting me this way? Well, I say… that you are protecting yourself.” Victor slowly stood up from the armchair and I was looking how he goes next to the window and looks down. His face is sad and breaking in front of my eyes. He even admits the fact that he might go completely insane one day.

“So tell me… tell me how can I help you. I will do anything. Let me help you. I don’t care if you lose your memory, I won’t leave you no matter what.” My voice became strong, I have to be here for him like he was for me… oh… so it’s like that.

“It’s funny… you sound like me. I also didn’t care about your broken leg… I loved you so much… so much, Yuuri. Because you were my happiness.” He touched the glass with his fingertips and with another hand hugged himself around the waist. “Everything was so simple… just your and my love, just two of us against the world. But who we became now because of this… you are not tired of this endless pain?” As Victor was talking I tried to get up, but it was so hard, to stand on my feet because he is touching the most sensitive parts of this, making me want to lay back.

“I am tired… I am really tired. But that’s why I have you… we belong together. And don’t you dare to say different. Because you know… no matter what pain you feel, you know this, right? You know that actually, you can’t live without me. That’s why you tried to end your life. And I am sorry, I should have been there, but I wasn’t. I know. It will never stop hurting for me, for all those mistakes that I have done… but I accepted to live with this pain because I am tired of being depressed all the time. We have a chance to start a new life, Victor… leaving all the past behind us.” Finally, I got up and swallowed my last tears. I don’t know if Victor understood what I am talking about, but I was talking about Shuusei. If we really can have him as our child, it’s the new chance and I don’t think that any of us wants him to feel this pain.

“So you forgave yourself for everything…” he said and turned his head to me. Yeah, I think I have told enough for him to understand that I actually did this. “Then there is just one thing I really need to tell you.” Victor slowly turned all his body at me and I saw how his arm is trembling like he is scared of something. What more?

“What..?” I asked feeling how my heartbeat is getting even faster, I can’t hold back… he might say something cruel again. Why?

“I forgive you.” With Victor’s words, the sunlight got through the window and lit up his face, showing all those beautiful features that were hidden in sadness all this time. Victor smiled, this way making my heart to stop inside my throat. He just smiled and closed his eyes, I saw how a tear is running down his face. Just one. Slowly sliding down his burning cheek. He was all shivering, like from fear…“I want you to live knowing the truth. Because you finally deserved to know it all… it’s true… I still love you. And I need you. I was afraid to tell you this. But… but I don’t want to wake up in this hate anymore. Because one day… I might wake up and not recognize you. And I don’t want to feel any bad feelings because I don’t know how long my mind can hold on… I don’t think that I have much left if this continues. I finally understood the real reason why I came here… I came… to say sorry. I am sorry, Yuuri. For everything bad that I have done and said to you until now. And for that, you came back to me, but I can’t come back to you. I am sorry, piglet, but we… can’t be together.” I stepped forward one and another time, and then just ran into Victor, bumped into him harder than into that wall yesterday and then wrapped my arms hard around his waist and started crying like I have never cried in my life. I thought it was bad when I cried in hospital but it was nothing compared to this. I cried so loud that all my body was trembling together with Victor and I was holding him so tight that even if someone would have tried to separate me from him, they would have to use some unknown force. And Victor he didn’t push me away, but he didn’t hug me either. I think he was still smiling. It’s must be good to set yourself free from bad feelings. But why he has to pay such a high price for this?

“No… no. We are married… all we ever wanted is…to be with each other. It’s better… if you hate me, but just don’t… leave me… Don’t leave me.” we were standing in silence, just listening for my ugly cries, I was able to start speaking just after five minutes when my sobbing was not that hard anymore. I also couldn’t move my face from his chest. Why is he not touching me? “I promise, I promise I won’t leave you ever again, I won’t lie to you, I won’t hide from you anything… I will be always here with you. And you promised that if I win against you on the competition you will say it again, remember? So you can’t leave me. I will win.” I finally looked up and saw that Victor looks lost. Don’t tell me forgot of that skating competition he told me about yesterday? I suddenly grabbed his face. He must be kidding me. “I win and then you come back to me,” I said this looking right into his eyes he can’t say no. He just told me, that he can’t live without me. This Victor, from 2019, finally admitted that he needs me.

“It’s not about that… “ He took my wrists in his hands and slowly let my hands down. “It’s just… I don’t want you to see… how I am slowly going insane, alright? It’s something that I can’t control… I wish I could explain to you how it feels… but there are just no words. I am not getting better… I won’t be the same as I was before losing my memories. I don’t even remember how I used to be. I mean… who I should be… and there is nothing that can be done. I wish… I wish that I could remember. Now I know this clearly.” Victor let go of my hands and wiped tears from my face with the thumbs.

“Then… then let me be your memory, please… I won’t get tired of repeating same things to you every day.” I grabbed his shirt between my fingers.

“But the fact that I won’t be able to stay away from you also can’t be ignored…” he spoke like I haven’t said anything at all. “So… I think… we should just… try not to get involved into lovers relationship. That way we won’t be able to hurt each other. I will write myself a letter, so when I lose my memory I will know this.” This is the most fucked up idea he could ever think of. I know what Victor was trying to do here. Protect me. I am sure he thinks that every time when he loses memory I will be hurt… to be honest, Victor was right. Just imagining this repeating over and over again… but I was ready. I am sure that I can handle if he stays with me.

“And if after seeing me skating… you will change your mind?” I stepped back and Victor slowly let his hands down. “If the world sees my love… you also won’t be able to ignore it.” Now I am the one who goes really serious about that skating thing.

“I am not ignoring my love for you… I am just saying that love between us is impossible when I am like this.” I shook my head almost covering my ears with palms. I don’t care that he thinks this way. We both know the truth and I will show Victor that he is wrong.

“But what if…?” I asked again like a child who just sticks his opinion until the end.

“I don’t kiss anything unless it’s gold.” He sighed and I nodded. Very good.

“Then be ready to get silver.”

 

We haven’t talked much since then. Traveling back to Japan was quiet. In the plane Victor was sitting next to the window, looking through it, just when he fell asleep I touched his face to see how bad fever is. I am sure that it got higher and we were lucky that nobody in the airport noticed that because we would have been in trouble. If Victor wakes up thinking that it’s another date… mostly everything that we learned today will be in vain. But I didn’t care because finally he admitted his feelings for me and I got so close…

It was a direct flight, when we landed in Japan it was the middle of the night. Victor woke up the same, but I understood that he is not speaking at all just because he can’t… because he spoke so much with me in the hotel now he wasn’t able to make even a normal sound. He was hiding this perfectly, even tried not to cough too much. We got picked up by Otabek who came with my father’s car. I waved for him and he showed me a thumb up. Yurio should be praying for Gods that he has a man like him.

“Seeeeeuuuunnnngggggggg!!!!” I heard Phichit cries right away when we got out from the car, he ran right into him and jumped wrapping his arms and legs, started jumping up and down, kissing every spot on his lover's face. Even Otabek turned his head to the side, my cheeks got blushed as same as Victor’s, but not from fever.

“Get a room, dorks.” Yurio came from the house and it was something that you didn’t have to repeat twice, it was the first time in my life seeing Seung-Gil walking so fast. “And you two… your little piggy is sleeping… and what’s with you?” Yurio pointed eyes at me and Victor.

“Victor caught a cold…” I quickly explained after seeing that Yurio got almost scared after seeing how pale Victor is. I didn’t want him to think that I have tortured him or something like that. Who is little piggy? Must be Shuusei he is talking about… well, I won’t wake him up now. He will get a surprise in the morning.

“I will… go to sleep.” Victor whispered and walked right into our house. That means I will have to sleep in my old bedroom. I followed him with my eyes until he was gone. I guess Simon is sleeping right now, I don’t think I have a right to wake him up, I will ask him to check Victor tomorrow.

“It’s a long story… I will tell you next time. Thank you for picking us, Otabek. Goodnight.” I wasn’t ready for irony right know and I guess they both saw that I am tired, so even Yurio didn’t try to stop me. I walked into the house and first wanted to go to the bathroom, but then the door opened and I saw how Simon walking out from there.

“Yuuri! Welcome back.” he smiled at me, standing there just with sleeping pants. I never thought that doctors can have such abs. Anyway.

“Right… Yeah, I am back. I am sorry, maybe you can look at my side right now? It started to hurt in Barcelona and I don’t know why.” Well if I already saw him, I will ask this now because the pain started to annoy me.

“Sure. Let’s go to the bathroom. By the way, Shuusei is sleeping in your room here.” He opened the door for me and I walked in. Well, Shuusei is not that big, it will be enough space for both of us. Of course, I wish I could just go back to our house and sleep together with Victor. I stopped and unbuttoned my shirt, opened it that Simon could see the wound. He turned at me already holding some disinfectants and bandage but froze after seeing the view.

“What… the hell, Yuuri?” Oh, he must be talking about all those bruises I got on my chest. Well, let’s just say when you are hit into the wall few times its kind of impossible to avoid them. I opened my mouth to explain somehow. “It looks horrible… did you fell or something?” I was wrong. It seems that Simon is talking about my wound, is that bad?

“Yes… on the stairs. I slipped.” Simon has put aside all things he was holding and started pressing softly with his fingers all around the wound I couldn’t hold myself back from flinching because of the sharp pain.

“Yuuri…. Do you have any idea… are you stupid or what? And as I see you were not wearing any kind of protection, so you got an infection, thank you God, is not that bad.” It’s the first time I heard that Simon gets so impatient. He was not shouting, but he was speaking fast. Well… nothing bad happened, I am alright.

“Simon… it’s not-“

“Shut up and don’t say that it’s nothing. Yuuri… if you fall and hit your side bad, internal bleeding might start again. Because of this infection… your body is weaker. Listen to me carefully...” He suddenly grabbed my shoulders and made me look right into his dark eyes. It’s rare for us to keep an eye contact for so long, but somehow I couldn’t turn my head away, maybe because he was a doctor or maybe because of his words later. “If… internal bleeding starts again, I don’t think that you will survive all this again. You hear me? If you fall again, you will die.”


	19. Chapter 59. Victor's heart. Yuuri & Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey~~
> 
> I am not leaving any big cliffhanger this time because next chapter is Spin-off about Yurio and Otabek :3 And it will take me some time to write this one, not just because it's a huge challenge for me, but also I have to tell you a lot about our Cat Couple~~ so I am planning more or less something like the last Other chapter about the fanfic :D 13k... god, maybe not that much. But yeah, this one also will be long one :3
> 
> I hope I will succeed!! Wish me good luck <3 
> 
> Until then, babies~
> 
> *thumbs up*
> 
> With love,  
> Vitavili

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

 

“What should I do?” I finally asked after sitting in silence for more than a minute, feeling how all parts of my body starts getting numb. Those words were like a punch in my face, Simon didn’t hide anything and didn’t try to say it more gently. Simple, if I fall and hit my side too hard I will die because my body might be too weak to hold on another operation. But what should I do? Not to fall sounds like a simple answer to this question, but the fact is that I am running out the time. Victor might lose his memories again and I don’t know how bad it can get. I have to try my best before is too late.

“What do you mean?” Simon was really pissed off this time, I have never seen him like this, but I mean it was the middle of the night so I could understand him. “Lay in the bed as much as you can… and definitely not slip on the stairs again.” He finished taking care of the wound and put a new bandage on it. “You need to change it twice a day.” Simon looked at my frozen face and then sighed. “Listen… I don’t want to scare you or some-“

“Victor is getting worse… I am running out of time.” I finally explained my reaction to Simon. I was trying to think of something. We had to do that competition as soon as we can. I am so close getting my Victor back, I have to use this chance.

  
“What do you mean? He forgot again?” I lifted my eyes at friend and shook my head slowly.

“But he can forget soon if I don’t do anything… Simon, I feel that this time it will work. I feel this with my heart. You didn’t hear how he talked in Barcelona. Victor… he was so close to me, one second I even thought that he came back to me…” That moment, when Victor smiled at me and said that he forgives, for one second in his eyes I saw nothing else but love. That pure feeling, that gaze that he was giving just to me. Last time I saw it before leaving him in Tokyo and I am holding on this again.

“So… alright, what do you want to do then?” Simon asked calmly but I saw in his eyes that he suspects something.

“Skating competition…. I need Victor to see my love. It’s hard to explain, but just on ice I can truly show him everything he doesn’t remember.” It was really hard to explain to a person who doesn’t skate. Simon was thinking as a doctor, but I was still thinking with my heart with that really fragile thing that now was beating my heart and telling me the only one possibility out of this hell. At first, when Victor said this in Barcelona I couldn’t understand, but now skating really seemed like the only one way.

“Are you… deaf…?” Simon blinked a few times, surprised by my words. As I thought he doesn’t feel the same. “Yuuri… I can’t believe… it’s like I am talking to a wall. I just tol-“

“I know… I can’t fall. But what if I don’t fall? I would do just… I don’t know... maybe I will do the simplest jumps, double, maybe few triple…” from Simon’s face I understood that ‘triple’ or ‘double’ doesn’t say anything to him. “Please… how can I explain… it’s my only hope… I don’t know what to do else…” I covered my face trying to hold on inside the feelings, now they were in my throat. Victor said that we can’t be lovers now and I am sure that this way he tried to make me clear that he wants to break up. If after my skating he will still think the same then I will give up. But until then I can see just his smile… just his moving lips saying that he still loves me. I don’t want to believe in life without him.

“That’s what I was afraid of. I can’t think rationally anymore… because as your doctor I can’t agree with this stupid and suicidal idea… but as your friend, I understand... So I don’t know what to tell you. Why don’t you ask Victor what he thinks about this? I am sure he will be on the logical side this time.” When Simon started speaking after almost a minute of silence I looked at him, but he was right… Simon can’t decide this for me. The only one person who knows the real answer is me and I think I have decided long ago. I just love Victor too much… so much that I really don’t care about myself this time. Our love can save us, I won’t fall. I am sure of this. And Victor… well, he doesn’t have to know about my condition… I mean if I don’t fall, then nothing happens, right? Jeez, even after such a long time I am still so stupid.

“I am sure he will be on my side.” Lying for Simon was easier than for Victor, but he still rolled eyes and turned around to walk from the bathroom. “By the way… Victor caught a cold in Barcelona, I think he has fever maybe you could look at him in the morning?” I asked when we were already in the corridor.

“Fever you say? We can’t leave it like this since he has problems with his head, that’s not good. I will go to check now. You can go first, I will just search in my room what I have with myself from fever.” I tried to guess how much Simon could be tired of taking care of us. I guess he would be happier if he could stay with his wife right now. That made me think about her… I haven’t spoken with that girl since my wedding, but she was taking care of me for such a long time. And how about… Maria. Oh my, that poor old lady who watched after me for all those months. Because of her I started speaking Russian, if not she I don’t even know what could have happened to me and if not that village I would have never met Simon. She still remembers me? I would love to go there visit her… I wasn’t thankful enough. This situation we were in right now made me realize how much I didn’t appreciate the life and all those people who were next to me. Even Victor.

“Victor are you sleeping already?” the door to the house was unlocked so I walked in, took off my shoes and walked through the corridor into the bedroom, the bed was empty. “Victor?” I don’t know why I got into the panic right away, even if I saw that his shoes are next to the door so he couldn’t go anywhere. The light in the kitchen was turned off. I walked into the bedroom and saw that light is coming from the bathroom, the door was closed. “Victor, can I come in?” I knocked few times before opening the door but nobody answered to me, I knocked again feeling how my heart suddenly goes from my chest somewhere down. Why do my hands start to tremble? I slowly opened the door and looked a little bit inside as if I was afraid to see the view.

Victor was kneeling on the floor in front of the toilet, one of his cheeks was on the edge, his eyes were closed. It’s like someone has thrown me into the horror movie about a huge epidemic that is taking over the world, taking the most important persons in your life. I don’t know why I am just standing and staring, looking how Victor is trying to hold on the floor with his hand but he doesn’t have enough strengths.

“Victor… love…” actually just about 20 seconds passed, but for me, it seemed like ages, I finally was able to move, so I quickly ran to him also kneeled and tried to lift his head. His face is burning so hard… damn it, why I didn't go with him here in the first place? “Victor, you hear me? Please… Victor, say something.” My voice started to shiver, when I didn’t get any reaction from him, I wrapped my arms around his body and made him lean on me.

Oh, thank you God that Simon was smart enough to say that he will come today and not tomorrow… I didn’t want to imagine what could have happened. Let’s not think about this now… Finally, Victor tried to say something, his lips moved just a little bit but I couldn’t understand. I pressed his head to my chest and gently rubbed his silver head, kissed burning forehead. How everything turned this bad so fast?

“Mama…” and again he opened lips a little bit together with silent moan letting that combination of letters, this made me freeze for a second. What? What he just said? “Mama… priglasi mamu… mama… mne bolna… mama…” (Mom… call mom… mom… it hurts… mama…) His voice just for a second became almost understandable, but then again turned into mumbling, I just could sit holding him in the arms like a little child, who was asking for his dead mother... or a grown up man who thought that he is a child, left alone with this pain.

Victor’s hands moved, he grabbed my shirt and started to cry. It wasn’t just a cry… more like begging. His lips just couldn’t stop moving repeating “It hurts it hurts” in Russian. I was broken, touching Victor’s face with my fingers I couldn’t feel anything, just how tears runs down my cheeks. I never thought that when this moment comes I will feel this way… I was afraid, but actually never thought about this minute. What will I do? I hugged him stronger and Victor grabbed my shirt with all his strengths. I felt like holding a glass that might shatter any moment… he will disappear and I won’t be able to get Victor back. I was holding him so hard that even my muscles started to tremble from tense. Victor moaned louder and I started to cry louder it’s like my life was slipping through my fingers and I couldn't stop this. I tried to breathe in, I wanted to tell Victor to calm down… but I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t remember how to speak. I just wanted… I really wanted to take his pain to me.

“Yuuri…” he silently sobbed after few minutes, maybe it’s not the first time he is calling my name, but I couldn’t hear it because of my cries and because his voice was so weak and quiet. I quickly leaned a little bit back that I could see his face. It's blood. A lot of it. On my shirt, on my hands, and on Victor’s face. Blood was running from his nose, making this nightmare into the worse one. I couldn’t hold back myself just remember all those dreams when I was drowning in blood. Now Victor is the same… his eyes were closed and face pale white. He is disappearing. Turning into the shadow.

“No…. no no no no no no…” I started repeating like insane grabbing his face into my hands, trying to wipe the blood, but there was just too much of it. “Victor, wake up… look at me… Victor… love.” I won’t let him go. I won’t. I pressed my forehead to his and started repeating this over and over again. If I would have been smarter I would have just run and called someone, I would have shouted… but I was in such a shock, that this seemed too unreal. Victor slowly opened his eyes, they were so bright… this look stabbed my heart.

“Yu..uri..-“

“I am here… I am here…” I kissed his cheek, again and again, trying to hide how scared I am. Victor tried to move his lips, he again grabbed harder on my shirt, finally, buttons couldn’t hold the pressure, but who the hell cares about a ripped shirt. He could rip everything apart, even my soul… jeez, everything. How can I help him?

“It… hurt…s…it… hurt… so… much…” Just now I understood that actually this headache already started in Barcelona. Maybe even it was the reason why Victor woke up first, that’s why he left and wanted to give me a lesson. That’s the reason he forgave me and said all those words… he knew, damn it, he knew that he might be gone any second. He is the stupidest man I have ever met in my life. Why… Why…. you didn't tell me anything. I wanted to answer him something to comfort Victor with my words, but all I could do now was hold my lips on his cheek and beg that someone… at least once in this fucking life would give us mercy. “Stay… Close… t-o… m…e.” his voice was cracking after every letter. I nodded fast few times because of the sobbing still couldn't let any words, my heart in the chest was jumping from the pain… and it froze when Victor’s hand let my shirt go. For one second I thought that he just feels finally safe, but something was wrong.

“Vi…vi...ctor..?” I looked at his face, at his closed eyes and didn’t feel any sign of life. His face was still burning between my fingers, but this burning didn’t seem real anymore. He was looking calm and relaxed and I was getting sick. “Victor!! NO!! The hell no!! NO!! VICTOR!!!” I finally let my voice go, but this time I screamed so hard that I am sure that all Hatsetsu heard me. I started shaking him like insane, but Victor's body was not holding, it started sliding down, leaving me with bloody hands. Empty. I couldn’t hold him any longer.

“Yuuri! What… Oh God.” Simon ran in holding his phone like he was talking with someone just before this. He looked at lying Victor and then at me, all frozen and shivering, and reacted faster than I could ever ask. He grabbed Victor’s body and laid him on the ground then put his ear on Victor's chest. “He is alive, it’s just a shock… Yuuri, bring blanket… Yuuri… YUURI GOD DAMN IT!!” I flinched suddenly waking up from slumber and quickly jumped on my feet ran into the room and grabbed the blanket from the bed. When I came back into the bathroom Simon was doing the artificial breathing for Victor. I kneeled at the same moment when Victor suddenly opened his eyes and took a deep breath like he was pulled from the water. “Calm down… you are safe… calm down…” Simon held Victor with a hand when he tried to move. “Yuuri, give the blanket…” When Simon turned around I saw that his lips are covered in Victor’s blood, I couldn’t move my hand, so Simon took it from me himself. He covered Victor with the blanket, he was still lying still… looking at the ceiling and blinking time to time.

 

“Victor…” I slowly moved closer to him with a wet towel in my hand, while Simon was doing something to him. I saw that Simon has a syringe in his hand, I didn’t want Victor to see what the doctor is going to do with this. When I called his name, Victor slowly turned his eyes to me. Good, he knows who he is. I didn’t care in what time he is now, I still couldn’t understand the fact that I almost lost him. It was too unreal, that just 5 minutes ago I was in one of my nightmares again. I started cleaning blood from his face, with other hand rubbing his soft hair. He looked sleepy, but still was looking just at me, even when Simon took his hand and lifted the shirt. I tried to put a smile on my face, I wanted him to see that everything will be okay now.

“Why…” he whispered, but I couldn’t understand the question. Why what? Why am I here? Why does it hurt? What did he want to ask? It was hard for him to speak, so I just shook my head. We can talk later, it’s okay. He should just rest right now. But Victor still tried to speak and I had to lean forward because I saw how much strengths he is putting into this.

“It’s alright… love, don’t push yourself.” My voice was also not really clear, but I tried to calm him down. With fingertips, I touched his cheek and leaned even more forward, because Victor didn’t want to give up like it was something really important.

“Why…. Why… I did let… you go…? I… ga..ve… my sweater… to… that… bo-y…” Victor sighed and I turned at him my head so fast. What? Did he just remember our last minute together in Tokyo? And the sweater he was wearing that day…

“Victor?” his eyes were closed and he again looked calm, but this time it didn’t get into the panic, he was slowly breathing.

“I gave him hypnotics… he will sleep until morning. Help me to carry him to the bed.” Simon spoke, but I was still too in shock to speak so Simon had to repeat twice. I am really pissing him off today, right? God bless this man.

* * *

**Victor**

* * *

 

  
When I opened my eyes it was bright in the room, I was feeling a little bit dizzy, but better than yesterday. At least my head stopped hurting… I really thought that it will turn into something bad. When it started to hurt in Barcelona I was really scared. Maybe God this time forgave me…Yesterday… what happened yesterday? How I ended up in bed? I turned my head to the side and saw Yuuri sleeping next to me. He was sleeping on the blanket, without his shirt. One of his hands was next to me like he was holding on me before. When did he come here? At night? He still can’t give up… he will be seeking for me, right? This thought squeezed my heart. Even if I tried to break up with him in the most awkward way…

“Good morning, how are you feeling?” I didn’t notice that Simon was standing next to the bed, he was dripping some kind of medicine from little bottle to the glass, I tried to count the drops with him. Is he here for me? “Drink this.” I wasn’t in the mood to resist, so I just did what he asked, even if he had to hold the glass for me. I don’t know what it was, but it was really gross. Why I feel so weak?

“What… what happened? I don’t remember… how I went to bed?” I spoke quietly and tried to turn my head when Simon put his palm on my forehead. I remember that he was introduced as Yuuri’s friend doctor, but I didn’t know him well. But he still did what he wanted.

“Alright, it seems that your fever went down. So what’s the last thing you remember?” his eyes look so tired like he hasn't slept all night. I turned my eyes trying to remember, then I saw a blanket on the couch which was standing against the wall. Don’t tell me he was sleeping here?

“I… remember how Otabek took us from airport… and then I came here… and… got sick… then… I woke up. Did I passed out?” I looked how Simon is nodding more to himself than to me. I was just wondering what’s happening inside his head.

“Softly saying you almost died. Because of the high fever, headache and your mental state your brains just started boiling. I could explain you in medical terms, but I let’s just say like this.” I shrugged, it’s better if he doesn’t try to explain me in really difficult words. “Yuuri found you just in time. If not him, in the morning we would have found you dead already.” I opened my mouth from astonishment. That’s true? I mean, obviously Simon wasn’t lying, but Yuuri… he came here to me and that saved my life. Or I should say that this doctor did? But still. I looked at Yuuri he was still sleeping.

“You don’t like my attitude towards Yuuri.” It wasn’t a question I heard this in Simon’s words. Sometimes it’s good to read between lines.

“What..? I mean, sorry… if my words sounded mean I haven’t slept at all this night… I am really glad that everything didn’t turn into tragedy. But…” I was still looking at Yuuri when Simon started speaking, but the last word made me turn head at him. So I am right. “I don’t really understand your point of view. This boy loves you more than his own life… and I know you don’t remember, but I know you pretty well. Victor, you don’t have darkness in your soul. I was even jealous of the fact how much you really love life. And even if you lost your memories… where that darkness came from?” His words made me start thinking more than I wanted now. I already thought about this so many times and still, the answer was unclear. I knew just one for sure.

“From fear. I guess… I am afraid of life now and I don’t know where I lost love.” I slowly spoke, picking word by word. What made me speak to this man about things that I really wanted to keep for myself? I sill can’t explain. He saved my life… maybe that’s why I just couldn’t tell him to leave me alone. My life…

“If I remember well… you tried to suicide three times because Yuuri left you, right? Because you lost your love. What if you could find it again? Then you would see that life is not scary anymore if you are not alone. And just a little hint, your love is not that far away from you. Once you will let him in. He deserves that more than anyone else. Just like you.” When Simon turned around and walked out from the room I was smiling and I couldn’t explain why. “Don’t you dare wake me wake me up until the evening.” I heard his voice in the corridor, but he wasn’t speaking with me. “Good morning, Shuusei… you really need a new toy.” He laughed and soon I heard how the door closes.

“Don’t pay attention to that old gramps. Let’s take off shoes.” This was Phichit, I would never mistake his voice with somebody else’s. I think Simon was about my age really not older. So old gramps? Phichit was like walking and laughing bag with endless power. And I guess after this night he is full of energy.

First Makkachin ran into the room and jumped on the bed so fast that of course, that made Yuuri wake up. He flinched and sat in bed, quickly looked at me like checking if I am still alive and then smiled putting his hand on my shoulder.

“Makkachin… how you got here?” Yuuri kissed somewhere next to his ear and I rubbed his soft fur, Makka licked my fingers. I am glad that he is with us actually. He was with me from the start, always… through all good and bad. “Shuusei???” for Yuuri it was a bigger surprise because he didn’t hear how they entered the house. Phichit, for now, was invisible, he just waved for me with the smile of size like the whole Russia. Like I thought he is shining too much. Yuuri got up from the bed.

“Yuuli! Vitya!” Shuusei raised his hands up, still holding that creepy half dog toy, and started running right into Yuuri, who caught him and took into his hands. Somehow this moment was hard to watch. Yuuri didn’t cry, but he hugged Shuusei hard and smiled so honestly, even if he tried to hide the smile by pressing lips to boy’s shoulder I still could see this. For the boy this short reunion was enough, he was happy in Yuuri’s hands for a second, but now he was reaching for me. I tried to lift my body a little bit and sit even just for a bit.

“You are finally with us.” Yuuri just couldn’t stop smiling, he laid Shuusei on the bed and boy just leaned on Makkachin right away, the poodle wasn’t moving. I knew, my puppy has an incredibly good heart, he also likes Shuusei, so he doesn’t mind. I reached Shuusei with my hand and he took my index finger between his little fingers.

“Vitya is sick..?” he looked at me with sad eyes but I slowly shook my head. This boy’s voice is so soft, not even talking about those eyes. It’s like I would be looking into the mirror or right into my soul... at those happy times.

“Just sleepy. Come… let’s sleep a little bit more.” I wanted to take him into my hands, but Shuusei shook his head.

“But Vitya leaves when I sleep.” He said looking at me way too serious. If he has this kind of attitude at the age of three, who he will become later? I can’t believe he really took this thing into his heart.

“I won’t leave,” I promised to him and for one second he was still looking at me the same, but then rolled over Makkachin and laid to next to my side. Somehow it really feels good… like now I would have everything I need next to me.

“But how, Phichit?” Yuuri was looking at me and Shuusei, after that turned his head at Phichit who was still standing in the same position, but now with his phone, of course taking photos and sobbing.

“I am sorry, but that was just too pure… I need to upl-“

“You won’t upload this anywhere.” Yuuri tried to take the phone from Phichit, but he hid it right away and shook his head. “No, seriously, Phichit… delete them now, it’s a private thing.” Yuuri was serious until the moment when he saw that Phichit is almost crying. This man is seriously into this very badly… I don’t know I should laugh or not, but it does look funny. Where is he uploading everything anyway? “Jeez Christ… alright. Then just tell us what happened? I hope you didn’t kidnap Shuusei from the hospital?” at that moment when Yuuri gave up, Phichit’s face changed right away. I felt how boy next to me grabs on the blanket harder. It’s creepy, I agree.

“Weeeelll not… I had a friend lawyer and he helped me to do all the documents and stuff so he is officially Shuusei Katsuki-Nikiforov right now, I wrote his birthday date the same as the earthquake happened, because we don’t know the real one. So let’s say like this... your son was born in twenty-four of April, two thousand and twenty. Omedetooouuuu!! Now let’s take a family photo!” After hearing this I opened my mouth because I just couldn’t believe. Even if my heart started to beat faster I still couldn’t believe. So he just took Shuusei and gave him Yuuri’s and my last names? How? What the hell? Our… son..? Yuuri looked as same as me, just his mouth was still opened wide and I couldn’t remember when was the last time I saw him making such big eyes. Will he faint right now?

“What… what… kind of lawyer would do this without mine or Victor's agreement???” he slowly spoke after about a minute of awkward silence where only Phichit was smiling like he just won a lottery.

“Victuuri fan of course… I told you once, remember? There are just too many of us.” I couldn’t believe when Phichit just sent us a smirk, then waved and walked out. Leaving me and Yuuri… still in the same shitty situation because everything between us was unclear… I am still too unstable, also our… son… who now was playing with our dog, he tried to grab on his nose and Makka wanted to lick his little fingers as if they were steamed buns.

“Victor… do you remember something from yesterday..? What you have told me?” We were both looking for a few minutes how Shuusei is playing with Makka, but then Yuuri spoke and that made me turn head at him.

“No… did I said something important? Simon said that you saved my life… Yuuri-“

“You don’t have to thank me… I was so scared, really… “ he sat on the bed and our eyes met. His were shining, but there was also so much sadness in them. What happened yesterday that scared him so much? And what did I said to him…? I wish I could answer not even these questions but also the main one. What now?

“Take!” we were both so concentrated to our conversation and we haven’t noticed that Shuusei is not playing with Makkachin anymore. Actually was even getting a little bit impatient because he was holding something in his hand and wanted Yuuri to take it, but until now nobody was paying attention to the poor boy.

“What is that? A key? Is it the key from… the hotel room in Tokyo??? Where did you get it from, Shuusei?” Yuuri took the key from Shuusei’s hand and looked at it with a big surprise, I suddenly felt how my cheeks start to burn. He must be kidding me. I slowly covered my mouth with palm when Shuusei leaned on me and put his head on my chest.

“Victol heart.”

 


	20. Spin-off. Cat couple. Yurio and Beka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **EXPLANATION ABOUT THE KEY FROM THE LAST CHAPTER:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> So if someone forgot where that key came from and why Shuusei called it "Victor's heart" here is the answer:
> 
> Chapter 51.
> 
> “Try calling me Vitya.” I don’t have any idea why I said this. But Shuusei lifted his bright eyes at me and blinked a few times, like trying to get concentrated before an important job. I swear I tried to hide my smile so hard, but it’s impossible not to smile. He didn’t say anything in the end, so I guess the poor boy just couldn’t understand what the hell I want from him. Oh well. “It’s time for me to leave. I would love to take you with me… but because I am mentally unstable they won’t let me. Of course, I could just kidnap you… but… could you really be my son?” I was talking silently but Shuusei was looking at me as he was trying to understand, it was still hard for him, right? I was able to see from his eyes, that this boy is just too pure for all the shit around us. Actually, even if he is my son I didn’t want him to see how bad things are with me and Yuuri now. He didn’t deserve it, it’s nothing do to with him… “You know… I don’t have anything to give to you as a present, but take this.” I took out the key from my pocket and gave it to him. Shuusei let my leg go and took it with both hands looked at him at it was some kind of a magic thing, with those big wide blue eyes, he really reminded me in the past. I know, it’s impossible that he would be my biological child, but this… let’s just hope that Yuuri will be smart enough to leave this kid in peace. He should find a better family. “It’s a key from my heart, alright? Only you have it, nobody else. Take good care of it.” Last time I touched his hair and then turned around. I couldn’t say goodbye… I just couldn’t…"
> 
> And now Hello~
> 
> just some words about this chapter... that it was a huge challenge and I don't know how I succeeded, I think I have just created my own versions of Yurio and Otabek... and since it's future everything it's possible. hahah :D  
> Anyway, it's a little bit sad that it's actually the last Extra chapter of these series ;o oh, well everything comes to an end, right? We still have 7 chapters left and happiness in not that far away ^^ <3  
> I hope you will enjoy this chapter <3 Otayuri ftw <3  
> Bro <3
> 
> 10k words... holy Katsudon.
> 
> Bye~~  
> Vitavili

* * *

**Yuri**

* * *

 

**2023, May 19.**

“Seriously… Are we starting this again…?” his voice is always serious, but this time I could feel that he even got bored. Bored of what? Of this talk or of the fact that it’s important to me.

“Get out of the bed.” Usually, I even don’t try to keep my voice calm and pretend that I don’t care, but this time I was just lying on my back, looking at the ceiling and wishing that he would just fuck off. For Otabek it turned into a game, for me it was still a matter.

“What..? Dude, it’s just a cat… we even didn’t buy it yet, but you want to have a fight about the name?” I wasn’t even blinking, but I could still see how he gets up on his elbows and tries to turn to my side and lean forward. Don’t you dare to touch me now.

“I said… get out of this fucking bed!” Otabek wasn’t ready for this so when I suddenly turned around and kicked him with my both feet he just slid off the bed and fell on the floor, making the sound like it would have been the explosion of an atomic bomb. I just don’t want to hear his stupid arguments in the early morning.

“Yuri… really? Babe... we can figure something out.” When I turned my back at him, I heard how Otabek walks around the bed and then he stops in front of me. I squeezed the blanket between my fingers harder and rolled my eyes.

“Too late. Get out of the room.” I felt so really pissed off that I could have kicked him again, I could have just jumped on him and made him listen to me. But I don’t want it because he is wrong and I am right. Jerk.

“But I am naked…” if he thinks that it can affect me then he is sooo wrong. Actually, it could have, but not now. I covered my head with the blanket and showed him the middle finger. Few seconds after that I heard how he opens and closes the door. He really just went out naked?

“Baaaaka.” I don’t know Japanese and I don’t really care about it, but this word was just perfect for everything. If he really would have wanted to “figure something out” he would have stayed here. But nooo, that means that he also believe in his words and he doesn’t want to let me win. I mean I already won the argument about buying the cat in general, so maybe I should let him give it a name at least.

The hell no. I mean if he doesn’t want the cat, then I don’t want that teddy bear collection that he is keeping in the spare room. I just looked a little bit to see if he really left and then I couldn’t turn my eyes off the door. I wasn’t like that always… now the only one person who really makes me angry is that idiot Victor, who just became too stupid for this world… but there was a time when everything around made me sick and I couldn’t do anything about it. The whole word seemed shitty, unfair and I was in the middle of that bullshit… just because I didn’t want to accept my mistakes. Because… I mean… I am never wrong. It’s their fault, not mine.

**2019, March 02.**

  
It was the time when we just started living together with Otabek. He came to Russia and it was kind of awkward at first, but we got used to it soon. Yesterday, we celebrated my 18th Birthday and the first time in my life I told Otabek how serious I am about this relationship. Blushing and confessions it’s not my thing, but seeing how Victor’s world is breaking apart because that shitty pig left him, helped me to decide, what is more important to me. Maybe watching how Victor is drowning himself in vodka and desperately is trying to search for Katsudon all over the world scared the shit out of me. Is not that I was afraid to loose Otabek, it was not possible. Everything between us was different… we didn’t show our relationship that openly in public like those two shitheads were doing, but when we were together, just two of us, then everything else around didn’t make sense at all. It’s hard to say, but I think I was happy… Otabek was everything for me: first as a friend, a person who is always next to me when I need the most… and then lover. From two of us, he was the calm one, since I always reacted at everything with emotions he was like my other part the only one who could calm me down. Only he. And for more than two years I never thought, even once what might happen if I lose him. Because why? There was no reason for us to break up. Yeah…

“Beka, I am going to look how that stupid Vitya is doing. Because if he doesn’t stop drinking soon we will have to call him not Vitya, but Vodka…” I rolled my eyes and looked at Otabek who was sitting at the table in the living room searching something in his laptop. He looked at me for a second and then nodded. Alright. “On my way back, I will stop at Mcdonalds, you want something?” he just shook his head and that made me freeze for a second and then I quickly walked out and slammed the door.

Ok, why I suddenly feel really pissed off? Because I am running like a fool these days around Victor, trying to make him get his shit back together and convince to forget that pig. I mean, I always knew that Yuuri is stupid, but I never thought that he doesn't have brains at all. What he did to Victor, leaving him like that… without any word, any possible way to find out he is alright or not and what happened to him made me want to puke. I was sure if I see that shithead again and will make him into the dead meat. Or at least yell at him so bad that he would become deaf. I couldn’t tell… he will come back or no, but what was going on with Victor me made me realize that their love was just too sick. Anyway, but not this…. So I had to run to see if Victor is still alive, also practice for the final of Russian Nationals and finally decide if I want to study somewhere or not… and now this. I mean, already yesterday, when after dinner in the restaurant we came back home and I said to Otabek that I really see my future just with him no matter where Otabek’s reaction was strange, he just hugged me really hard and kissed. At first, I thought that he was just embarrassed because of my words… but since this morning he is avoiding to look right into my eyes. And I don’t get it. To be honest, I am even too tired to keep digging inside and try to figure out. If he wants to tell me something, just spit that fucking shit out.

I came to Victor’s place and no matter how many times I rang the bell, nobody answered, but where could he possibly go? Nowhere. He is too drunk and depressed to go somewhere out or do anything. Police don't want to search for that stupid Japanese, in this month he probably did everything he could to find that stupid pig… nothing. I think he finally gave up.

“Victor! I know that you are home! Let me in you dumbass or I will kick the door out!” I shouted and I was really ready to do that. I didn’t care that neighbors will see us, but if people are worried about you let them at least go inside and take care of your stupid gray head before you have done something to yourself. I mean, I didn’t believe that Victor might try to suicide. Like what the fuck, Katsudon is really not worth Victor’s life after breaking his heart so badly. Suddenly I heard how something breaks inside the flat, this sound freaked me out so badly, that I really kicked the door with all my strength and just then I found out that they are unlocked. Oh. I quickly ran into the apartment and got a real pathetic view, everything around was almost broken… where the hell is that stupid Victor??

“Victor, here you are! Jeez.” He was in the bedroom, literally looking like shit. I have never seen him like that in my life and I never thought that I will. Until now he was looking just sick with his obsession to find the Pig… but now… I saw a broken man, not the one who gave up on searching, but who gave up on life. “Oh, my god… Victor, you look so pathetic.” I turned on the light and saw how he is trying to become even smaller, turning his head, like it would be painful. Jeez, it’s enough. This is really enough. I became so mad at that stupid Japanese pig, I would love to grab him now shake and make him look at this view yelling what has he done. But here was only I… eh. I should be mad also at Victor because he let himself be like this, but I couldn’t. I kneeled in front of him and tried to move his head to see his face the smell coming from him was horrible, but what scared me the most was his burning face. There was a glass everywhere around, he broke the bottle?

“You have a high fever… Is that a bottle shards? Don’t move I will bring something to clean everything and then call an ambulance. Don’t argue with me.” He even didn‘t tell me anything, to be honest, he even didn‘t react normally to me so he couldn‘t understand that I really try to speak with him as softly as I possibly can. On the other side, I was hoping that he will forget this soon. I walked out of the room looking for broom or something but this flat was huge and it was messed up so it was almost impossible to find something here. Damn it. I just found Makkachin lying somewhere in the kitchen, not even moving, scared to do that. I need to ask Yakov to take care of it. It’s just too obvious that Victor can’t do that. Let’s just call an ambulance then. I came back to the room… and the thing I was laughing about in my head just a few minutes before was happening just in front of my eyes.

“Victor I can’t find- What the hell… STOP!” I screamed totally in shock, grabbed his hand not letting him make a deeper cut. My heart started beating so fast, seeing something like this for this first time in my life and it wasn’t even a joke. I wished that Otabek would have gone with me today… he would have known what to do in this kind of situation. But I don’t. I grabbed Victor’s face in my hands. “Victor open your eyes, you hear me?!” Bastard…. Bastard… bastard… I was shouting in my head like it could calm me down like it could save Victor. Stupid Victor. Stupid Pig. Stupid Otabek. Stupid skating. “I am calling the ambulance, that’s enough.” After my words, Victor suddenly moved and grabbed me in his arms, the move was so sudden and desperate, that I couldn’t resist, just freeze. Then he screamed. The scream was loud, so scary and my body started trembling.

“He left me… he left me…” he burst into tears first time in front of me. I have never seen Victor crying before. I actually even thought that for him it’s impossible. But… even the strongest person breaks sometimes. And this pain of his somehow went inside of me. Then, for the first time, I thought…. What if Otabek doesn’t feel the same? That's why he was acting so strange.

I came back home late in the evening. Otabek hasn't searched for me even once… he didn’t write a single message nor he called me. I spent all day in the hospital with Victor and then left him with Yakov, I didn’t eat all day and even now I didn’t have strength for that. To be honest, all I wanted to do is hug Beka right now and make all this shit gone from me… Victor is spreading too much negative energy. I didn’t even care what happen that Otabek didn’t care where I was… I was sure that after seeing my face he will forget everything, even if I don’t know what I have done.

“Bro… you can’t even imagine what happened…” I opened the door and spoke right away, but I saw a luggage next to the door and that made me stop. What the hell? Are we going somewhere? “Otabek…?” I even forgot to close the door behind me or take off the shoes. He knows that I don’t like surprises at all. He came out of the living room and stopped. I couldn’t read his face… but it was the same. The same as this morning, the same as yesterday. It’s like he was in pain, but at the same time not… it’s like he was trying to pretend calm. “Are we leaving somewhere?” I asked pressing keys between my fingers, why my hand starts to tremble?

“Yuri… I am leaving.” That’s what he said and I was too dumb, too tired, too scared to understand what this really means.

“What..? I am going with you…” these words just came from my mouth, but he shook his head. He doesn’t want me to come. “I… I… if it’s because… what I have said yesterday… I mean…-“

“It’s not because of that. It just made me realize that… I can’t let this continue. Yuri, the truth is that I am engaged…” after his last words there was a silence for a few seconds and then I started laughing. It was a laugh of panic, to be honest. But I was laughing so hard, that I even had to grab on my stomach. Oh god, it’s like I am dreaming. I mean, what the fuck? “I never thought that our relationship will turn out like this… at first, I really wanted to be just friends with you… I mean you were fifteen. But then… “I stopped laughing something in the middle of it and suddenly stretched my back. He wanted to explain, but I didn’t need the explanation, I didn’t want to hear it at all. Fuck this shit. Just fuck this day.

“Go. Just go. I don’t care. But remember… if you walk out now, you can’t come back.” I didn’t let him finish, but I just felt that how I am getting sick. I need him to leave so I could run into the bathroom and just vomit this bullshit out of me.

“Yuri, I don’t want you to think that-“

‘FUCK, JUST GO!!! JUST LEAVE ME! Leave me!’ I suddenly grabbed his hand and started dragging him to the door, but Otabek was too strong for me so he didn’t move. That made me even more nervous. “You piece of shit, I swear if you won’t go right now…” I couldn’t finish the sentence because I didn’t know the ending. Because in my heart I didn’t want him to leave. He can’t leave me. He just can’t. Engaged? What? How? With who? Why he NEVER told me this before? Was he playing with me all this time? Otabek tried to touch me, but I suddenly moved and hit him right in that shitty face as hard as I could. Something inside me was not right… it was turning so strange. “Just go…” I repeated silently after few minutes when nobody of us moved. After this… Otabek left. He didn’t take his luggage.

It’s cold. It’s freaking cold. Why… why didn't he fight for me? Until the last second I was hoping that he will come back, we will have a small fight and then he will say that everything here was just a joke, that he was just in a bad mood because of some stupid thing. But he didn’t come back. Not today. And I actually was cold and so stubborn just outside, but deep inside my heart I felt I small crack and then tears just came making me into the worst possible being in this world. Even worse than Victor was… because I would never ask Otabek to come back… I would never search for him. And I would never show my pain to anyone how Victor does… because I am a person who would rather be dying slowly inside.

Next day I went to visit Victor, I went to practice and nobody even asked what’s wrong. I mean I always look like this. Like this world wouldn’t matter to me, so it was normal. Just when I fell doing a triple jump, Mila opened her mouth and tried to joke did I forget to eat today. To be honest I haven’t been eating since yesterday because no matter what I take into my mouth… I can't swallow it, it just sucks. That day I had a flight to Moscow for one day to visit my grandfather. Lately, he was having some problems with his heart, but he tried to hide that it’s nothing wrong. He was just like me… but I couldn't hide in front of him.

“Yurochka… what is it?” he asked when I even didn’t touch pirozhki, I shook my head. I can’t say to him… I don’t know what to say. “If it’s something wrong… you can always tell me. I am here for you, alright?” he waited but when I didn’t answer he just spoke again and then I covered my face with palm and nodded. Granpa came closer and I couldn’t hold back… I just hugged him like I used to do when I was a child. Because my grandpa was always there for me. He would never kick me out of his life. He would never tell me that he doesn’t need me anymore… as long as I have him. I can be better… I can survive. Because there is a place where I can return to and cry… and I cried. I cried so much and he didn’t say anything to stop me. He will be always there for me, right?

I stayed at my grandfather's place until the evening, but he goes to sleep early so I had to go back. Of course, he asked if I want to stay over, but it’s better if I go back. I have to keep living… I have to keep practicing and reaching my dream. Fighting for everything… I can’t let myself break so easily. My flat was on the third floor but I felt so exhausted that I used the elevator to go up. I stopped for a second when I saw that someone is sitting next to the door… is that homeless? Just great, the only thing I have been missing in my life. Just when I came closer I recognized the man.

“What the hell you are doing in the corridor?” I asked silently and Otabek lifted his head. He was drunk. So drunk… this fucker. I am here, trying to move on, he is the one who left me and now he is drinking??? The fuck. And he has keys, why he is sitting in the corridor? His face was looking horrible, but I wasn’t regretting that punch. Not at all.

“Yuri…” he tried to get up one time, then second, but it didn’t work out and I was just enjoying myself looking at the pathetic view. I won’t help him. At last, he kneeled somehow and hugged my legs so hard that I had to grab on him in order not to fall. “Yuri… I am sorry. I am sorry… I love you. I swear I love you so much. And it hurts… please, Yuri… forgive me. Forgive me.” He was speaking so clear even if he was drunk as fuck. I didn’t want to be as Victor, I know that deep inside I was breaking apart so I had to try saving myself. And if this dumb fucker understood how wrong he was… I was ready to give him another chance. Everyone deserves it. I was sure. If it’s the only way to get my Beka back...

“You are so stupid, you know that…?” I sighed and then leaned forward to kiss him. He had a smell of alcohol, cigarets, and Otabek… just from this, I started getting dizzy. Hell… this love thing… is like a crack. Worst.

I woke in the morning finally after a long and calm sleep. After the last night, when he just couldn’t stop repeating how much he loves me. At some point, it was already annoying, and I was like… move your fucking hips and shut up. But at least, at least for that night, I felt good. Because he loved me… and he said this and I could feel this with his every thrust inside me. He wasn’t lying… Beka’s strong hands and his hot mouth. I don’t know what happened that time… but obviously that he changed his mind. I also can’t be without him. When I opened my eyes he was standing next to the window fully dressed and I slowly turned my head at him. I didn’t expect him to wake up so early and get off the bed that fast… at least he didn’t leave me while I was sleeping. Achievement. That was like a stab in my heart. I know why he standing there. Because…

“So… what you want to say?” I asked silently and he turned on my side. Otabek’s face was sad and that made me so angry, just in one second. Is he sad here? How the hell he dares to be sad? “Jeez… it's getting so freaking funny…. Don’t tell me that yesterday you were just drunk and you didn’t know what you were doing?” I just read this answer from his fucking face. I am right… he just used me because I was so weak yesterday and I thought that he understood what he has done to me. But at the same time… I thought that if he didn’t come back to Kazakhstan, that means he really wants to stay. That he is regretting. How stupid of me.

“You have to hear me out. My parents… they had a deal with another family that I will get married to their daughter. I don’t have a choice, Yuri. It’s not about what I want… It’s just I have to do that… If only-“

“WHAT? What does that suppose to mean? You don’t have a choice?? Why the heck you have brains then?” I suddenly got up because his mumbling started giving me a headache from early morning. Deal with another family that he will marry their daughter? In what century do they live? He has to think with his own head. How can someone decide for him what he has to do? I started shouting right away because it felt like he grabbed my throat and started strangle.

“They… are my parents… I can’t betray them... I-“

“But now you are betraying me! In the worst possible way! What was I to you? A fucking temporary toy? A whore that you can bang when you feel like that? You knew what will happen! You-“

“I never thought that I will fall in love with you, okay?!” that made me shut up and I couldn’t let my eyes off him. Otabek was in pain, I saw that… but for me, it hurts more. If he really would have loved me, he would never leave me. Not for some kind of girl that he even doesn’t know. If he really loved me… he wouldn’t care about his family betrayal. I didn’t want to see his pain because for my eyes it was faked. Bullshit. I closed everything inside me. That’s who I was. His words now mean nothing to me, but I suddenly felt so dirty… so stupid. Because I let him in again, I just overcame through my stubbornness. Just for him… because I needed him in my life. I need him close to me. And I thought that Victor is stupid… well… it seems that I am the same.

“You better go to the airport,” I said silently lying again on the bed, but all I wanted to is go to the shower and stand there until the last of my life. Wash his scent away. Otabek left without saying a word. The family was a priority for him, I have never been in the first place. But if I am not the first, then I don’t need this at all. I am strong. I am strong…. I a..m.. s-t…ro..ng… Shit.

**2019, April 14.**

  
I have never thought that this might happen to me. When I was looking at my hands they were always trembling, at nights I couldn’t sleep at days if not skating or taking care of that shithead Victor I would have been just sitting in my apartment with the cat. I moved to Moscow together with Victor… he needed to change place because that dumbass couldn’t take care of himself and I needed… I just needed… I don’t know. Now I didn’t have a place to stay, so I was living with my grandfather and he was the only one who was trying to do something because of me. Because he saw something that everyone was too blind to see. More than a month passed and I didn’t hear anything from Otabek, he just vanished… from my life, from skating… it’s like he never existed. I don’t know if he was trying this hard for himself or for who, but… I could say that because of that I didn’t feel better at all. I knew that I have to find a way from this. Grandfather always told me that I have to be strong because I am young because I still have all life in front of my eyes. I just can’t give up. My grandpa was proud and I couldn’t disappoint him, that’s why I was living for. But even my grandfather couldn’t see that I am changing inside. That there is some sort of madness that I can’t stop it takes all of my body… and sometimes I get a feeling that I really need to beat someone, just then I would feel better. I think I started going insane.

I was in the ice center having practice, Victor was also with me. Most of the time he looked a little bit better now, but I think he was just pretending. He couldn’t land most of his jumps and with this… I don’t think that he would win something. For me, skating helped to forget, for him… it was nothing. He did it because we told, not because he wanted. As I said… Victor’s pain was obvious, but mine…

“Yuri…!” I couldn’t believe when I heard this voice. I was just out from the rink and wanted to put protectors on the blades, but after hearing this I forgot what I was doing. What… It was him. Again. This time Otabek wasn’t drunk, but the fact that he came here made me tremble. How he… even. “Can we talk?” How the hell he even found me. Of course, I won’t talk with him. It’s his fault, everything that happened to me is his fault. I didn’t move, what I was trying to do… was to hold back and not beat his shit out… his face was making me sick.

“Listen… I left her. I don’t care anymore about my parents… or about anyone else. I want to come back, this time for real. I need just you. This month was a hell… and I don’t want to live like that anymore.” His dark eyes were shining like he would have seen hope, but mine was cold and I didn’t even try to pretend that I am surprised. I still was trying to hold myself back. But the seconds were going and I understood that he has around ten seconds to get out. “I am so sorry… Yuro-“ ten seconds were over. I suddenly pushed him so hard that he hit the wall with his back and sat on the ground. I even didn’t know that I have so many strengths, or he was just too weak.

“If you ever… get close to me again. I will slice you to pieces.” Otabek looked at me like he would be hearing my voice for the first time. There was no emotions, no fear… nothing. I forgot how to feel. With one move I raised my leg and kicked him right in the shoulder with my blade. The sound which came from Otabek's lips was half groaning, half gasping and that made me shiver.

“Yurio! What the hell you are doing??” It was Victor, he suddenly grabbed me and dragged from Otabek. Blood on his shoulder and on my blade… that moment I couldn’t think. I just did this. I wanted him to feel that I don’t need him anymore, that I don’t care what will happen. “You better go…” he said to Otabek and I pushed away Victor, he fell back on the ice rink. I will leave myself. You see, I am not the same person. And I will never be.

The next day I kissed Victor. Until now I can’t explain why. I didn’t feel anything for him…. But I just thought that maybe… I can do better. Maybe… I can change before it’s too late. The same day Victor tried to kill himself for the third time.

**2020, January 3.**

  
When Phichit wrote to me in the message the date with Otabek’s wedding my first reaction was how he knows this kind of thing. Why I should even care. It’s already almost year passed since we broke up so whatever. Even Victor got better. It was really hard for him because he had just five years left… and because everyone was talking that he is going insane. But he got up on his feet when I made him talk with psychologists when he finally gave up on searching that pig. He went through all the wheels of hell, but he stood up on his feet and won Grand Prix of 2019. I could say I was proud, I mean I should have been proud as his… boyfriend. But our relationship was not like that. Nothing similar. Victor just was my coach and a really good friend… but even for him, I haven’t told that I am going to Kazakhstan.

I wanted it to end. I mean, my pain. It’s about time for that. If Victor can stand up, so can I… I am even stronger than he was. So I tried to convince myself in the plane that I am doing this for myself, that after seeing how Otabek gets married I will feel better. Because then there will be nothing left. I landed in Kazakhstan and with a taxi went right to the registration office… the ceremony had already started and I opened the door just a little bit. And saw him. The view was pitiful… neither Otabek nor his wife looked happy at all. But still… he decided again to get married to her and now I am here because… I still have that fucking hope that he won’t, that’s the truth. Even if I said that I don’t want to see him ever again. He didn’t see me… but he I heard how he said “Yes, I do.” and that was enough, I didn’t listen until the end. That crack inside my heart reminded me of pain and that I was just hiding from myself how much does it hurts. Since that second it turned into hate. My phone rang and I even didn’t look who was calling.

“Hello, are we talking with Yuri Plisetsky? We are calling from the central hospital in Moscow.” There was some man’s voice. Unknown. What now? Don’t tell me that Victor did again something. When I left him everything was fine!

“Yeah, it’s me. What now that Nikiforov has done to himself?” I started going to the place where I saw a taxi standing.

“Nikiforov? I am sorry… we are calling about Nikolai Plisetsky, he is your grandfather, right? He had a heart attack and he is really in a bad condition right now, we are doing the best we can… “ he was still talking but that second my heart just broke into thousand pieces. Hate turned into anger, the pain became my best friend and I forgot why the hell I tried to keep strong. For who. The only person who really cared for me was dying…. And the word became so big. And I was nothing.

**2021, October 3.**

  
When Pig told me in the hospital that I have to call Otabek, I thought that I would better die than do that. He must be kidding, even if his words were smart how can I possibly do that? And what the hell I suppose to tell him?? I have seen Otabek many times, we were always participating in the competitions together. Always in the final, fighting for the first and the second place, but we never talked to each other. We both pretended that we don’t know each other and I got used to that. We were strangers at least at that point he felt some respect for me. Even if I saw that he is staring at me longer than he should have. From the hamster, I found out that he didn’t get married in the end, but I didn’t know why. And I didn’t care… at least I thought so. But to be honest, one of the reasons why I wanted to participate in competitions… it’s because of him. He was my motivation to win, I wanted to beat him in every possible way… to show how strong I got without him. But the truth was different… I was still weak. And even my grandfather a few days ago... finally told me the truth. He said that I really look shitty. Literally, he just said like that. Thanks, grandpa. It’s like all that pain that I was holding inside finally started coming out from me. To be honest, it’s been hard years… all of them… and I was… so tired. I admitted this even to Katsudon even if he didn’t understand the real meaning of my words. Why was I tired for real? Not because I had to take care of my grandfather, think about training, try to live somehow alone… I was tired of myself. Of that person that I have become because of this... Shitty person. I was always laughing at everyone around me and trying to show how cool I am… but no one knew what was going inside me. Still… why I can’t forget Yuuri’s words? Who cares now we are together with Otabek or not… I know that he searched for me, I got so many calls from an operator that somebody tried to reach me through the old phone number… but the time came and calling stopped. Everything stops. Nothing last forever.

“Yurochka, come and see, your friend from Japan will be showing his free program!” My granfather was lying in his bedroom and watching television and he shouted for me. I was in the kitchen making tea for him. My friend from Japan? What the heck? Like I would ever become friends with him. Okay… I have beaten his ass once… and I am not proud of this anymore. It seems that this time he will take full responsibility for what he has done to Victor and at the time when I kicked his ass I really saw him just as Otabek who is trying to pretend that nothing happened. I was mad that he tried. I was mad that he didn’t. I don’t know what I was feeling. Messed up.

“He is not my friend… we are just... I don’t know.” I rolled my eyes giving the tea for grandfather but he even didn’t look at me, just at the television so I slowly turned my head.

I have never felt anything in my life similar to this. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his dancing… it’s like everything around turned off, but at the same moment, I couldn’t stop the thoughts. What I wanted to do mostly is lie in the bed and hope that I will fall asleep before I fall apart myself. But it’s more simple than I thought… It’s possible to get bitter or better. Sometimes you just have to take in what life prepared to you and allow it to change you… sometimes you don’t have to fight with feelings sometimes it’s good to do just what you feel that needs to be done at that second… because if you hold yourself back it will just tear you apart even more. All choices don't belong to fate… it belongs to you. It belongs to me. I have done many bad things… but I could do at least one good. At least one time to do what I really want and forget all the rules that really exist just in my head. That’s the truth. So the real reason why we can’t let go of someone… maybe it’s because we still have hope inside?

“So beautiful…” my grandfather talked when Katsudon was kneeling in front of everyone almost kissing ice. Crying like a girl. But he did a good job. "Yurochka?” I am crying in front of my grandfather. First time in my life… not because I am mad or sad, but because I feel calm because I know what I have to do. I really had to do this long ago. Try.

It wasn’t hard to find out his number. I called him and waited. I don’t know for how long.

“Hello?” the voice was calm but tired… serious and I really missed this voice. I can’t let the sound out. “Who is this?” he asked again and I covered my mouth with palm. If I won’t say anything he will just hang up the phone. “Hey? Yuri… is that you? Yuri? Please, if that’s you… don’t hang up the phone.” How does he know? I haven’t spoken yet. And still, it reminded those first days after we broke up when everything around in my flat was smelling like him. Sheets… towels… even couch in the living room. It was like he was still there.

“How… are you doing?” I finally spoke. It was the first words for him and they were so dumb. But how can I start this? I have decided to call him without any preparation. Just like that.

“I am… good. And you?” I again couldn’t say a word. How can he be good when I am dying here? “Yuri…” I bit my lip when he said my name. I have never wanted something more in my life. I want that. Not because of the skating or about winning… it’s just a deeper feeling.

“Do you still believe that we have a hope?” What I am even saying… I can’t think anymore.

“Yes. I do.” His voice is stronger than never and I can hear the tone of hope inside, he believes in that. But words are not enough for me this time. “Yuri… if only… you would…-“

“Marry me.” It’s simple like that. If I can make him mine forever it’s the only one way. If it’s really more than words for him. What. What have I just said? I could almost feel how he starts laughing because the silence on his side was too deadly, it’s like he is not even breathing.

“Okay. Let’s get married tomorrow. I am coming to Moscow.” It was simple. Just like that.

**2023, May 19.**

  
I touched my silver chain with the wedding ring on it. We never told anyone about our marriage, we just did this, just two of us and we were not wearing rings on our fingers. This way nobody could ever find out that we are married and this way the ring were closest to the heart. A long time passed since that day… we talked about everything so many times… we found out that we were both so stupid. But why I remembered this again? Because we just now had a stupid fight about the cat name? It’s not like we are going to get divorced because of this. For that stupid Victor and Katsudon it’s complicated for us not that much. Damn it.

I got up from the bed and grabbed the pants from the floor when the door opened, Otabek was standing there just with the towel. So he was in the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” he asked, but I jumped on him instead of the answer. Wrapping my legs and arms around him and pressing my face to his shoulder where he still had that scar.

* * *

  **Otabek**

* * *

 

How to say… I love everything about him. But I really enjoy when he jumps like that on me. While living together I have learned a lot of things about him, one of them that Yuri can jump really high and he is extremely flexible. Sound fun, usually I get a lot of fun from this. There are just two reasons why he would do something like that so suddenly and out of nowhere. One is when he extremely want to have sex and I pretend that I don’t see that and other… he just wants attention.

“What happened to my little tiger?” I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed bright hair. He pressed me a little bit harder and I closed the door behind me because Phichit might be stalking from every corner of this house. I already said to Seung-Gil once that he really needs to chain that guy to the bed sometimes. Seung-Gil said that he tried and not once and it didn’t work out at all.

“Roarrrr…” Yuri mumbled silently and I laughed. It’s rare for him to apologize first after we have a fight. Usually, he waits for me to wait and accept his idea and I would have done this after a shower, but it seems that there is no need. I felt how our wedding ring on his neck it’s touching my chest, I usually take the chain off before going to sleep, but he has it… and he presses me so hard.

“My husband want to warm up before breakfast?” I whispered to his ear and Yuri suddenly lifted his head all blushed. So that’s what it is. He remembered about our wedding. That was so awkward actually because we got married before we talked about everything. It’s the most spontaneous thing I have ever done in my entire life… and I didn’t regret it, even for a second. And I know that Yuri doesn’t want someone to know that we are married and I respected that. It was so funny when he thought that I will tell to Dark Vitya the real thing that he has told me when he called. Oh… he is so adorable.

“Bro… really? That’s so lame.” he pressed his forehead to mine taking my face into his palms and I smiled. “Just fuck me already before I changed my mind.” He kissed me hard, but I couldn’t stop giggling. That really sounded strange we usually don’t talk like this. But sometimes I would do anything to make him pissed off. Not always, though… I just love him too much.

I stepped forward and we both fell on the bed, while Yuri was reaching the lube he left on the table next to the bed yesterday I slid down with my lips, kissing his sweet and warm skin and then I bit his neck and Yuri moaned pressing me harder against his body with legs. I could give up forever just to touch him, I loved his voice which was so different from the one who he shows to everyone. I saw that real part of Yuri while for everyone else he was more or less tsundere type… but Yuri is a really sensitive person. And to be honest I don’t want the world to see it because just I know who he really is and I don’t think that the world would understand. He pressed the lube into my hand and lifted his hips a little bit.

“That’s an amazing body you have…” I whispered to his ear and Yuri grabbed on my back as a response. He lets nails so deep and always leaves scratches like marks, worse than a cat, but putting inside all his emotions. “Let your voice out,” I asked putting one of my fingers inside him and Yuri reacted. He always listens to my words even if he says he doesn’t like them. He started moving hips and all my muscles got tense. His face is so blushed like he would be really embarrassed and just knowing that this will never change makes me feel so good, kissing his red cheeks it’s like a blessing.

“I…I swear… If… ah… God…” When I put inside the second finger Yuri held his breath for a second and then with one hand quickly stripped off my towel.

“I can be a God if you want.” I let the words out before putting the tongue inside his mouth. I know what he was trying to say. Something like if I won’t shut up he will kick me out of the bed, but the fact is that I live for his voice. For seeing how he tries to show his power in the bed. Yuri tried to move my hand from his ass saying me what he couldn’t complete in words. Damn it, making love with him is like a rollercoaster. He asked for this and I won’t slow down. I quickly pulled fingers out and grabbed his hand pressing his fingers between mine and then entered him fast and deep. He literally just left all the path on my back with the single move, we moaned together into each other mouth and then he moved his head to take in some air.

“Beka… Beka… Beka…” he started repeating over and over again like he would be going crazy. When he ask for more, Yuri always tried to press me against him as hard as he can. “Harder… harder…” Does he want me to move in a speed of light or something?

“I thought that we are making love? Yurochka…” with my free hand I rubbed his blond hair, they were so soft and his cheek is so red I pressed my lips to it giving small kisses.

“I… I told you… to fuck me… not to squirm… like a spaghetti.” Oh jeez, that just made me laugh so hard, that I had to stop moving. I pressed my face to his shoulder and I couldn’t stop giggling, even when Yuri let the angry sound out and we rolled over now he was on top. Like spaghetti… “Leave squirming for those piggies… I want you to be my daddy.” Oh shit. Yuri leaned forward and looked right into my eyes. Daddy. God, I will fuck him now. His green eyes were shining too much for this kind of thing… he must have remembered something really unpleasant before.

I hugged Yuri’s body and we rolled back and I grabbed on his hips and he lifted not just hips but all his body, stretching his back and smiling at the same time. We moved together fast and rough and he was biting his hand trying to keep the sounds down, but still looking right into my eyes and that just turned me on more. I grabbed Yuri’s face and kissed him with another hand starting stroking his cock fast and he shouted my name into my mouth grabbing on my hair and came just a second before I did.

  
“I don’t want to leave this bed.” He spoke after few minutes not moving from the spot. I was holding my cheek on his chest and listening how his heartbeat goes down my body until my heart. “But I was wondering when we are planning to go back? I am worried about Missy…” he rubbed my hair, not seeing that my face totally froze after hearing this.

“Who is Missy?” I lifted my head. Did I miss something? We had three cats but there was no Missy between them… we also didn’t have a friend with a name like that.

“Our new cat, of course.” He smiled at me with that angel face, like it would be impossible to disagree with him.

“Babe we don’t even have this cat now. So how can you be worried? And I already told you that it will be a boy and his name will be Rikk.” Yuri’s face changed one second. Will he kick me out of the bed again? I grabbed his body harder. No, he won’t.

“I am throwing your bear collection then.” He said with dead serious face and we were staring at each other eyes for almost a minute until it was just too much.

“Fine! Okay. Missy whatever.” I pressed again my cheek to his chest and I knew that Yuri is smiling now like a Phichit when he is typing something on his computer. There is nothing I can do… just falling in love with him even more. And of course, I would do anything to save my teddy bear collection.

  
“Good morning, Otabek.” One of the twins waved for me when they came to the living room where I was sitting, waiting for Yuri to bring something for the breakfast. I waved back. These two are really interesting. The girl is hyperactive to the point that sometimes it really makes me surprised, she is like bouncing ball always jumping up and down, laughing and it looks like the sun shines just with her help. She a little bit reminds me of Victor before he ran into the dark side. The boy is different, he is calm and relaxed always knows what to say and doesn’t speak without a reason.

“What’s up, Beka?” Ana sat in front of me at the table and I shrugged. What I should tell to this women version of Vitya. She was the only girl among us and I always wanted to ask how she feels about this, but I don’t think that she has something to complain about. I mean, this girl looks happy as long as she can see Yuuri’s ass.

“Gooood morning!!!!” Phichit ran into the room from outside. Where was he so early in the morning? Since his hands were almost trembling, I am sure he was at Yuuri’s and Victor’s place. “I just came back from Victor’s and Yuuri’s house.” As I said… “They look so adorable with their son, I just can’t…. that just too much.” He wiped an invisible tear and hugged Alexey next to him, and pretended that he starts to cry. Welcome to this silly Drama Queen squad.

“Oooh, and I already thought that we will have a normal breakfast… not.” Yuri came back holding something that looked like delicious rolls and gave one plate to me. I sighed it’s not that bad today.

“Beka, you always look so cool.” Ana was still staring at me with her princess smile, but Yuri next to me suddenly leaned forward at her and she moved back a little bit.

“Of course, he is cool.” I couldn’t understand if he tried to make her move away or he didn't like what she said about me. One way or another it just didn’t work. Ana didn’t look scared at all she sent a kiss through air to Yuri and he quickly moved back rolling his eyes.

“Seung didn’t wake up yet?” Phichit looked around like there could be some kind of tablet hanging with an information about his lover. “I have to tell you something… it’s getting worse for Victor, this night he almost died, Simon was in time to save him.” It’s just Phichit’s things. One second he is laughing and jumping shouting about Victuuri for everyone and then he just turns into the serious mood and makes everyone shock. Alexey moved from him, Ana was sitting with her mouth covered with palms. That’s bad, I quickly looked at Yuri, but he wasn’t moving. He must be really worried even if he doesn’t show this. I know that he took care of Victor for a long time… I won’t hide, after seeing how much Victor’s suffers from problems with his memory I also couldn’t help myself. I really wanted to do something.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” I asked because everyone here was still sitting like statues. I mean if Phichit spoke it must be a reason, or he just wanted to scare the shit out of us? That also worked pretty well.

“Yuuri told me that he wants to skate for Victor… or with Victor, he thinks that this might help.” Only Alexey and Ana rolled eyes, but I looked at Yuri for a second and then again at Phichit. Only skaters could understand the meaning of this.

“Is Katsudon even in a condition to skate normally?” Yuri had a point here.

“How it should look like? Competition against Dark Vitya and Katsudon to find a Bright Vitya again? He didn’t say something more?” I asked and Yuri looked at me like I would have said something against him. To be honest, for me the only thing that could really help is keep hitting Victor’s head until he remembers, but I mean… we are all humans after all.

“Nop. We were talking just for a few minutes this night, I helped a little bit Simon to calm Yuuri down. I feel really pathetic that we can't do much to help them. But I mean… if the competition would make Yuuri happy. Even if this won’t help Victor, we can just try… I mean, whatever… we are already in deep shit. It can’t get worse.” It’s hard to admit, but Phichit was right, Yuri pressed my fingers under the table and I nodded. Let’s give it a shot. I mean they still have to talk with each other and we can’t figure out their problems, but at least we can help with this.

 

  
“Are you sure it’s fine? I mean… I don’t know I just feel something really strange about this thing. Ice skating competition? Really? Beka? Are you even listening?” We were going back from the ice center after practice and of course, I was listening to him, but at the same time I saw our whole squad next to the house and I couldn’t look away. What’s going on there?

“Yeah babe, but there is going on something fishy…-“

“Otabek, come.” He grabbed my hand and dragged me in the shadows. For a second I got lost, he is tired of this? “You have to promise me one thing… I will tell something when we get back and you won’t just freeze and say nothing. Promise that you will support me.” When he asked like that for one second I got really surprised. Yuri never tells something really crazy to everyone so when he said something like that all of the sudden I couldn’t answer him at first. But then I lifted my hand and touched his face. Of course, I will support him, no matter what. In the past… when I was a hopeless idiot he gave me second and then the third chance proving that even the biggest shithead can be forgiven. It doesn’t matter what he will tell, in front of everyone I will be always at Yuri’s side.

“Babe… I love you. No matter what happen, I will be just at your side. Always.” He nodded like my words made him stronger. If that’s the only thing he needs. His skin got blushed under my fingers. He is cute and he is my other half, better… and maybe I knew that somewhere someone is looking at us from above may have laughed so many times. Laughing at me because I let go of a person who knew me better than I knew myself, and he had done for me something that nobody had done before. He was my home. He loved me. Nobody knows how truly happy I am… and how lucky I am. Because of my past, I couldn’t blame Victor or Yuuri for mistakes that they were doing now… or had done before. So I tried to understand them. But we together, me and Yuri, are stronger and we left everything behind. I could never wish for something more… Yuri smiled at me widely and with love, this is the only one of his emotions that I want to keep just for myself.

 

“What’s going on? Where is Victor?” Yuri asked. We came to everyone, of course, Phichit was standing in the middle of attention, I looked at Seung Gil, he rolled eyes and shrugged. I totally understand you, dude… but what can you do? Yuuri was also here, he looked tired I wondered where is Dark Vitya. Hiding in the house?

“Oh nothing, we were just talking about the stuff…” Phichit glanced at us and then turned again at Yuuri like waiting for his answer, but Yuuri really didn’t look in the mood to talk right now.

“Victor is taking a nap with Shuusei. And Phichit… I don’t know when and where… can we talk about this next day, please? I think you said that you want to talk about competition, not about your wedding date.” Phichit wedding date? That’s why Seung-Gil is standing out of this and looking like he was hit in the face. Wedding with Phichit, he wants to invite the whole fandom, right?

“Taaalking about the wedding…” Phichit suddenly turned around and looked at me and Yuri. “When I will get married you will be the only one still in a simple relationship. Isn’t this the right time to mooove on? Beka, when you will ask Yurio to marry you?” Okay, they got me. I don’t know what to answer, Phichit was pushing me with his eyes, Yuuri behind him was standing with facepalm, twins just looked like their shouldn't be here at all, Seung-Gil was out of range, so I couldn’t see what he was doing.

“We are married since two thousand twenty-first October forth.” That’s what he had in mind. Just now I understood when Yuri said this out loud. He wants everyone to know this. Finally. “So actually we got married before you all, freaks. Sorry.” He pulled out the chain with the ring and showed to everyone.

“WHAT??” Ana screamed suddenly grabbing Alexey into her hands so hard that the poor guy had to hold onto the tree next to him.

“Huh…?” As for Yuuri, I thought that he will just start choking right away. But nothing… nothing could compare to Phichit.

“NO NO NO!! Otayuri got married BEFORE Victuuri did? Oh, my God. Now I have to re-write at least five fanfictions! WHY?? Why haven't you told me? Why didn't you invite me? What the heck, you are lying! Is this ring even real?” Hmmm… Otayuri? Phichit grabbed his head as if the end of the world would be coming. Or he would have learned that he has some incurable disease.

“Bro…” I let my eyes down at my husband and I couldn’t believe that he was just standing there and smiling then he sent me a smirk and raised his thumb.

“Bro.” he answered while giggling and I took his hand into mine and pressed his fingers.

I never cry, but this moment almost made me. Yuri just did. You just showed to everyone this smile that I wanted to keep just for myself. But what the heck… I just felt that this is the only thing that I wanted to see for feel completed in my life. Now there is nothing left to say.


	21. In Regards to Love. Victor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, my precious~~
> 
> I present you one of the main chapters in this story and give you short plan to the countdown:  
> 62 - Behind us. Main chapter of the second part.  
> 63 - Unbroken heart main chapter of the series.  
> 64 - Fluff and love.  
> 65 - Fluff and love.  
> 66 - Fluff and love. Ending.  
> 67 - Alternate ending.
> 
> Can you feel the happiness coming? Because I can~
> 
> Also, you can follow me now on Tumblr, I post there about updates/my other fics/I accept request for fics and just post anime related stuff/ we can also chat <3 ^^ <3  
> Tumblr: [vitavilichan](https://vitavilichan.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Vitavili <3
> 
> And thank you for those who have read the last extra chapter!! <3 <3

 

" _When I get away from skating, two L words come to mind, Life and Love. I've been neglecting both for over twenty years._ "

I guess it’s time finally admit it. I am not perfect and I am not a hero. All my life, I was trying to prove that I am the best and that I always know the solution for any problem. Prove it to myself and others… more maybe to others. I would have done anything to make them surprised by doing what they don’t expect from me. Eventually, that became the reason of my fall. I couldn’t surprise them anymore and life slowly, step by step, like those leaves which fall in autumn, started turning into a boring routine. Things that made me smile once froze inside the Russian winter and I couldn’t break the ice. Proving that I am best turned into proving to myself that I still can. Joy ripen into a simple laugh and gray color became my view spectrum. People around me saw what they wanted to see – a strong man who had a perfect life that everyone could be jealous of. For them, I had everything: talent, look, smile, confidence. For me it was different. With all those things I was trying to cover one of my worst fears – loneliness. _How can you be lonely?_ They would ask like this. _You have everything – money, fans who adores you, you are beautiful and one of the most talented people around the world._ I had so many things that others could just dream of. So what? So then why my heart was empty…. Why just when I was sitting alone I could actually feel myself, but the feeling was still strange. For almost all my life I was ignoring love. It’s not that I didn’t have time for it, it’s just… I couldn’t find a reason to love someone. For them, my silly jokes were funny, for me – the way escape from reality. So who I am? I am asking myself now when I have lost memories. No… that’s not true, I am asking the same thing almost all my life. Am I just a fake? What am I hiding behind the smile that everyone sees? And at last… what am I afraid of for real?

Loneliness. I was always alone. And that made me feel calm. But at the same time that made me feel scared. I wanted to be happy. But I couldn’t find the way to the happiness. I guess when they say that people who smile the most actually are the ones who feel lonely must be true. I could trick everyone with my smile… everyone except…

_"Yuuri's life and love have taught me about brand new world that I'd never seen before."_

When Yuuri came into my life it changed me, not him. Changed in the way I have never expected that it will change. Me – that one who I was in front of the whole world was not enough. This love became a challenge not for Yuuri who didn’t have any experience in relationships, but for me. He started changing me from the deep inside the core of who I was and this process was unstoppable. I didn’t feel from what moment I started smiling from the bottom of my heart. Or since when at last I stopped thinking that I would like to be alone for a second. Yuuri with all of his levels of anxiety still was able to love life more than I ever have loved. This became an addiction, for me to be with him turned into something that I really needed for continue living. As for Yuuri seeing me every day already was a normal thing, but for me, everyday life became impossible without him. Without his smile. Without his passion for living which was coming from his soul. Because of him, I found out everything about myself what I was missing for before. So. I fell in love. For the first time, I was not faking it. I fell in love with life. I fell in love with love. I fell in love with Yuuri. I am sure he thought that he haven’t done anything special, maybe he was right… but at the same time wrong. In his eyes, those little sparkles were the real reason why I wanted to wake up and smile for the world. Inside of me, I felt, if the day will come when I am going to lose all of this, I will break apart. That’s why I was holding onto him with everything I had, showing him the real love he deserved to feel, teaching him how to be close to me, how to open up and let me inside of this miracle. _Yuuri, I love you._ I think I have never loved any kind of phrase so much in my life. _I love you… I love you… I love you…_ those words were slipping through my lips and his face was turning softly red. Yuuri would hold his breath for a moment and then smile leaning forward and pressing his burning face to my neck. _I love you too, Victor._ That would be the only answer… and I would feel free. Thank you.

_"I didn't expect Katsuki Yuuri to be such a selfish human being."_

First time I cried in front of him was when he said that we should end everything after Grand Prix final in 2016. I didn’t expect him to be so selfish after all we went through. I guess he thought that I am not coming back to skating because of him… because he is keeping me down. But I couldn’t help myself just feel really mad. Mad because he didn’t understand a thing what was going on. I couldn’t understand why he wants to go away from me unless my way of showing love was not clear enough for him. Unless after such a long time being alone I became incapable of showing love to others. So I just said that he should decide on his own if he really wants to end everything…. Then it can’t be helped. It’s his life, his career after all. But actually, I was just fooling myself… I said to Yakov that I am coming back and started wondering how will I skate now? I was trying to run from the pain which could have come with the end of his free program. I was afraid that it’s my last chance to see him skating… but then Yuuri started dancing and all my doubts were cleared. His way of showing love was a little bit cruel but effective. Then the real love started He took my heart and put in the jar.

And then the jar was broken still with my heart inside it. And my worst fear came true, after living in love, after being in love and loved I was dragged back to the loneliness of which I thought I have already escaped. I had to start over, I had to live like I used to do, but I didn’t know how. There was no light, just burning toxic brightness which could scorch everything. I wish I could explain what I was feeling, but I couldn’t… burning alive, just the damage was invisible for other people until I couldn't stand this anymore. When love and life gave me everything and then suddenly took away without any explanation. I was too weak to handle this. I know. Like a scared dog which was thrown away. And now… he wants me to let him in. I want to let him in, I truly want… but what will stop him from throwing me again?

There was a man lying in the bed, with empty eyes looking in the ceiling. It was me. But I saw everything from the angle.

“Why..?” the voice asked. I couldn’t understand him. Even if it was my voice. Why what? Why…. “Why?” he repeated again and I stepped back from the bed. Something is not right. The person who supposed to be me, but it's not, grabbed the sheets with his fingers and presses hard even from here I can hear how his heart is beating. Like the last seconds before the ending. Why? Why being alone is so painful? Why… can I come back? Why I can’t remember? What does his love mean to me?

“Who cares why?” happy voice comes from the other room, but I can't see who is talking. It’s also my voice, but different. It’s… stupid, innocent, mad, funny, painful, beautiful, ugly, hard, strange, brave, weak, strong.... really really stupid... it was **love.**

* * *

 

 

I opened my eyes so suddenly that for a few first seconds everything looked dark around. I blinked few times and view got clear, that’s a strange dream I had… if I could call this a dream. It was like an avalanche of thoughts and that’s why I didn’t feel like I have rested at all. But my heart was beating so hard as if I have run through my life while sleeping. Like I have lived through every moment again. I need to get up. It was still bright outside. Shuusei was hugging my left arm like a pillow, I turned my head at him. He had chubby cheeks and even in his sleep boy looked like he is happy. I swear one second he really freaked me out when he gave that key to Yuuri. When I gave it to Shuusei in hospital… first of all, I was sure that we won’t meet ever again and second I thought that he will lose that key soon. But he kept it and then gave it to Yuuri like he could understand the whole situation like the key would be a solution to whole problems. Like my heart could be… unlocked… unbroken. Like it would be that simple as opening the door and coming back home. After that, I couldn’t look at Yuuri. Maybe I was afraid to find an answer in his eyes. The answer which would be so simple… and then I would start feeling more embarrassed. I have changed… from the first day, I woke up in the hospital until now. I have changed again. I always change when I am near Yuuri. Maybe this is my answer?

I touched Shuusei's hair with my fingers and he hugged my arm harder but didn’t wake up. He sure likes sleeping a lot. I also haven't done much today… Yuuri tried to find out more about the key, but I pretended that I don’t have any idea about this… after that, we just ate something for breakfast and I spend all the time in bed, while Yuuri was still trying to act like this situation is normal and find out more what Phichit has done. It’s impossible to shout at Phichit because it’s not like Yuuri could be mad about Shuusei being together with us from now on. I also couldn’t be mad but at the same time… my thoughts were somewhere… but not here. Just now I understood that I might have died this night and I don’t even remember this. Every time, I am trying to remember our past it gets worse. Shuusei deserves to have a great family, but how can I be great in this condition? How can I be great when he is smiling to me, but I am too confused to find the reason to smile back. I really… I just really wanted to find peace.

I slowly tried to pull out my hand and get off the bed. Once I stood on the floor Makkachin jumped taking my place and Shuusei’s hand found a new place what to grab, this time soft fur. I rubbed Makkachin’s head next to the ears. That’s a team work… he was always there, comforting me. When I fell asleep Yuuri was still in the room searching something on his laptop, which was now lying on the table, but he was not here now. I said in Barcelona that we shouldn’t be together and I could feel that he tries to keep the distance. I should say thank you for understanding, but there was something more here. It’s like Yuuri was scared… but not of me anymore. Scared to talk about our relationship… this night really has freaked him out I guess. I know, he said not to be sorry, but these words were still in my head. Yuuri was outside, I stopped next to the window and saw him talking with others. Yurio was rolling eyes because of something and then he grabbed Otabek’s hand and they walked into the house. Phichit turned to Yuuri, his eyes looked as he has learned that the world is coming to an end. I wonder what happened there.

I turned my eyes from the window and accidently touched laptop with my hand, screen lighten up. I looked there just for a second, but it was enough for me to freeze. There was a stopped frame of some video. And there was my face, I couldn’t stop looking for two reasons: first, because I couldn’t remember where and when I looked this way and the second because in this picture I was smiling like I have never smiled before in my life. I couldn’t even tell what could have made me so happy. I could see just my face from real close, but it was enough to say that perhaps this day was the happiest in my life. My hand slid down and I touched the keyboard. Then the video started playing.

* * *

 

_“Oh, God that’s so exciting. Okay, come, Yuuri.” Victor couldn’t hold his laugh, he even had to grab on the pole next to him, his eyes were clear and shining. The wide smile was telling more than any words._

_“Are you sure…? We don’t have to do that.” Yuuri’s cheeks were blushed hard and it was impossible to hide embarrassment in his face. Because everyone else were staring at them their friends, family, and random people on the bridge._

_“Oh come on! Hurry up.” There was Phichit’s voice behind the camera. Yuuri stepped forward looking right at Victor’s eyes and doesn’t matter that he looked shy like never, his eyes were also showing the same feelings as Victor’s. It was a really happy day. Yuuri wrapped his hands around Victor’s neck and the silver haired man quickly picked him up on his hands. Phichit screamed happily that’s why Yuuri's silently gasp was almost inaudible. Someone of the people started clapping and then everyone joined, except Yurio who was like always just rolling his eyes, but this time even he couldn’t hold back the smile. Otabek next to him was clapping for both of them._

_“So I just have to cross the bridge??” Victor shouted down all who were clapping while still laughing. Yuuri pressed his face to Victor’s neck hugging him harder._

_“Yeeees!! Do it!!” Ana walked forward holding a phone also filming and Victor started walking, pressing Yuuri to his chest like a real beloved bride._

_“Did you gained some weight, love?” Victor asked with a smile. Phichit was filming close, so the voice was really clear._

_“I told you that you don’t have to carry me…” Yuuri moved his head a little bit to look at Victor’s face, but after seeing that every person on the bridge is looking at them and moving out of the way giving them to pass he again quickly hid the face back. Victor pressed his lips to Yuuri’s hair._

_“Phichit, don’t pee yourself.” This sarcastic voice in the background, of course, belonged to Yurio._

_“I will be carrying you for the rest of my life. We will need to work out a little bit more. I don’t mind doing this tonight.” Victor was still holding his lips on Yuuri’s hair. Yuuri’s hands started shivering a little bit when he hugged Victor even harder._

_“Congrats!!” Phichit shouted when they reached the end of the bridge and Victor let Yuuri on the ground. “Nooow for sure you will go through all the difficulties together!!” the view moved a little bit when he also wanted to start clapping with everyone._

_“I don’t even get where you took this from… but what-“_

_“KISS!!!” someone shouted at the end of the background not letting Yurio finish the sentence. For Victor, you don’t have to repeat twice this kind of thing. He grabbed Yuuri’s waist quickly and touched his chin with fingertips. Victor was smiling softly looking at his husband's eyes. Those eyes… with only love. Blue fire. Victor took Yuuri’s hand and kissed rings on his finger._

_“I promise I will be here with you forever. We will never be apart. We will have each other until our last days. No one and nothing will come in between us… because you are the part of my entity and you will be for infinity. My arms will be opened for you so you can always run to me. I will be next to you. And even if the world will be against us, I will still be here. Life can take everything we have, life can break everything around us… but we will raise up. Together. If the day comes when there will be nothing left, I will be the one who kisses your lips and wakes you up for life.” Victor spoke not taking his eyes from Yuuri, he lifted his chin a little bit more and kissed him that way making his promise unbreakable. He kissed Yuuri in front of all these people on their wedding day standing on the bridge in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. And it seemed that they forgot everything about audience really quickly. For them, it was easy and right, no confusion, no division, no objection… just Yuuri and Victor. Two of them against the world. And it started to rain, at first just a few drops, but suddenly rain got stronger and everyone around started laughing from happiness that came in from nowhere. But happiness in Yuuri’s and Victor’s face was more than anyone here could feel. Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor’s neck and Victor lifted Yuuri turning around with him in arms. Kissing and laughing in the pouring rain._

* * *

 

The video ended and the frame stopped, but I was still looking at it and I couldn’t move. I can’t even tell when I started crying… I wouldn’t even notice that if the tears wouldn't be falling down on the table. The feeling that squeezed my heart was only one real feeling that crossed my chest these days. Like my body could remember this moment even if the mind doesn't. I even didn’t try to stop my hand from shivering. I covered my mouth, those emotions started dragging me down. It was like a huge scar, tearing me apart or a blank space. I couldn’t resist anymore, I didn’t want to… I wanted to find my love. I want it back. I can’t live like that. I can’t live with this bleeding wound. This fight is not mine, I am incapable of winning it alone.

Somebody opened the door and walked in the house and I started walking out of the room. Slowly, still holding the palm on my mouth, like I could hold this pain, but I couldn’t I had to let it out. When I came out, Yuuri was taking off his shoes and typing something on the phone. He heard me coming but didn’t lift head at first. Unlike me. I was looking at him and the view was blurry like never before. But I still saw how much he has changed since that video was taken… his face was sad almost to the point it could cause depression.

“I talked to Phichit and then with Nina from skating center on the phone, she said we can make the competition after two weeks in Kyoto. What do you think abo-“ Yuuri raised his head and stopped in the middle of the sentence dropping his phone. “Victor??? Oh, God… are you feeling alright? Your head hurts again? Should I call Simon? Vic-“ He got into the panic right away, Yuuri’s eyes were wide and he lifted hands like trying to protect himself or me. Who knows, maybe both of us. Yuuri stepped forward just one time, but I didn’t stop I crossed the corridor grabbing him into my arms and it became even worse. He hugged my trembling body and pressed his face to my chest, at the place where the heart was beating, strong and fast. He didn’t say anything else just held me hard… almost the same way I saw him doing in the video. Our wedding day… right.

“I… can’t… re-member…” I sobbed pressing my face to his soft hair as hard as I could. Even when he moved trying to look at me I didn’t want to let go. It’s hard to breathe. Yuuri softly pushed me and I was forced to let down my shivering arms, but Yuuri took them before letting to fall. Just when he pressed my fingers to his lips I understood how cold they were. I blinked few times, trying to swallow bitter saliva in my mouth.

“Listen… after this night… I thought a lot about this, I understand that everything has changed. It’s okay, you don’t have to force yourself to remember. I was selfish telling you all these stories, making you feel like you haven’t forgotten. I freaked out when I understood that I almost lost you. I have been through this once and I don’t want to feel it again. I don’t care that you don’t remember, Victor. I just need you to be here. To be alive. And the skating… it’s for you. It’s to show you how much I really care… if only you could see what’s going inside me right now…” he was trying to talk clam but Yuuri was not that kind of person who can keep still while seeing others in pain. He bit his lower lip and slowly leaned forward until his forehead touched my shoulder. “Please, Victor… just stay.” He gently rubbed my fingers with his thumbs and pressed hands harder.

“I promised… that I will be here… even if everything will start breaking apart… I have never lied in my life so bad.” It was a little bit easier to speak, not because I stopped crying, but because he was still holding my hands and they were so warm, this feeling went through all my body. Yuuri suddenly flinched and looked at me surprised, trying to figure something out. It sounded like I have remembered, right? But I didn’t…. I can’t. I wish that some magic could help me. Something I could give to Yuuri, something I could say… but my mind, my memories are empty. I wish that it would be more than just recording on the laptop.

“You saw… that video.” He slowly spoke looking into my eyes and I couldn’t understand if he started regretting leaving the laptop on that table or he is in pain because of my lie. “So can’t you see, Victor….?” He silently asked when our breathing became like one when there was just one heart beating in our chest.

“See what?” I asked. Yuuri let go one of my hands and touched my face, his touch was soft and it reminded me of something, but I couldn’t say what. I have felt this touch somewhere before… exactly the same.

“That… you belong with me. Why can’t you see this? I still want to eat with you Katsudon. All my life. I am here… I am here, Victor.” Yuuri whispered moving his lips just a little but I was the one who leaned forward not him. My lips touched his really carefully, just tasting and I wanted to lean back, but he suddenly grabbed on my shoulder and pressed his body against mine, taking it all. Like I would be an oxygen and he would be dying to breathe. Putting this simply this touch with lips has lighted up my world. It was different from ones we had before. It wasn’t crazy or passionate like in drama series. It was just the deep talk of lips trying to find the only one possible way to survive – dance together. Yuuri let down his hand from my shoulder and we were just standing, he was pressing my right hand's fingers and we were kissing. Softly and almost timidly in the way like spring is coming. Yuuri started crying and I could taste his salty tears together with mine, the taste was sinful. It was right. It was wrong. I couldn’t tell which part won this time. It was everything I was incapable of sensing before and this broke me for the last time in the most beautiful ways it could possibly break.

“I want to be with you. I want to try again.” Even when our lips stopped moving I still didn’t move them. Just held strongly, wishing that this feeling would never go away. It felt so good… It hurt so badly and it felt amazing. True was the only one – I was blind, stubborn and dumb – I have never hated Yuuri, I hated myself. From the start. Because I broke my promise… and he was here.

“Then it must be love….” He kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around my neck. “I was yours since the beginning and I have never stopped being yours. Take me back, Victor. Take me where I belong. I will follow you everywhere.” I hugged him hard and lifted his body, he was so light… where could we go? Where could we find the home? Yuuri’s head now was higher than mine, he took my face in his palms and kissed my nose then smiled. I know this smile. He was smiling the same on our wedding day when I was holding him on that bridge. I don’t remember, I just know.

“Let’s go, let’s clean this crying face before Shuusei wakes up and thinks that I was beating his Vitya.” His Vitya? Why this sounds funny? And is he jealous or what? But Yuuri was still smiling when I let him down, he took my hand and we walked towards the bedroom, but stopped in the doorway.

Shuusei was sitting on the bed, all sleepy and looking fluffy and chubby, his cheeks were still red after sleeping, but big bright eyes were shining with happiness. He was holding with both hands on Makkachin’s paw and jumping on his butt like a bouncing ball. Honestly. That was the purest thing I have ever seen in my life, with his smile… that could break the coldest ice. My heart was already unbroken. The question was answered: none of them will ever throw me again.

**2023, June 02.**

  
“…. In this exclusive event, we will see what you all won’t get to see ever again in your life. In one of the biggest ice center’s in Kyoto, today we will become witnesses of the last fight on ice between two world’s champions: Yuuri Katsuki – Nikiforov and Victor Nikiforov. Before it starts let me remind you that Yuuri has won Grand Prix final two times and Victor is six-time world champion. They both are not skating as professionals for a few years already, but today you will get to see them last time on the rink in this competition against each other. I don’t even have to mention that this event was not just a huge surprise for everyone but also got so many attention that it’s webcasting worldwide at this moment… if…”

“What are you thinking?” I heard a voice next to me and commentator words were not important anymore. I looked down, Yuuri was already without his jacket. He will go to the rink first. I couldn’t hold my smile seeing in this outfit. The black color suited him so well, I could even say that this time his body looked even more impressive than back then. I shrugged because I still couldn’t take my eyes off. I knew what he will be skating but I have never watched his practicing like he hasn't seen mine. “You know what I am thinking?” his dark eyes were pointed at the ice rink and Yuuri took a deep breath.

“What, love?” I smiled to him, not holding myself back from this. I reached him with my hand and put it on Yuuri’s shoulder.

“I am going to kick your ass today showing the sexiest Katsudon you have ever seen in your life.” That made me open my mouth. Not because of his words, but because of Yuuri’s face. He was already in his dance. My heart raised up and I licked my lips breathing out the hot air.

“Seduce me with all you've got. Last time.” I whispered into his ear and Yuuri lifted his chin then stepped in the ice rink.

“First one in the rink is going Yuuri! He will be performing his Short program from 2016 Grand Prix final. The dance choreographed by Victor Nikiforov! _In Regards to Love: Eros_.”

 


	22. Behind us.

 

[In Regards to Love: Eros](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPYJYEwufFQ)

* * *

**Victor**

* * *

 

Yuuri slid into the middle of the rink and my heart jumped out of nowhere, even if just a minute ago I felt totally calm about this. I remember this so well like it would have happened yesterday. He was standing also there, looking the same, like a completely different person. Not because he was faking emotions, but because Yuuri’s heart was dancing with him all along. He was a person who could feel more than anyone in this room. His heart was big and opened for everyone who would ever need it. But that day everything changed because Yuuri opened his eyes and looked right at me. He wasn’t giving his heart to the world anymore, he didn’t try to impress anyone with his performance. Just with his look, he confirmed that everything from this second will be just for me. And I believed. I believed him so strong like I have never believed in myself. This was Yuuri back then, trying to prove me what love means to him… but not now.

This Yuuri, even standing in the same position looked completely different. If only I could call this mature Eros that would be simple, but I couldn’t. This wasn’t a brutal way to show how dominant he is or how sexual the dance could be. There was a man who went through hell and pleasure in his life and now he had more experience than anyone could ever understand. He didn’t have to act to do the impression to others, he is like this by himself it became natural. The heat coming from Yuuri was going all around, reaching every corner of this ice rink like the ice could start burning just from this. It reached me, just in one second and I was hypnotized. This time he didn’t ask me not to take my eyes off him, but there was no way I could ever look away. Yuuri opened his eyes and looked at me, for one second his eyes were calm, but then Yuuri slowly lifted his hand and licked fingertips, I saw a grin on his lips and I swear I had to grab on something next to me when he wrapped his tongue around them again like tasting something unforgettable, like the heat which was coming from his mouth could set everything on fire. Word is watching this, but Yuuri looks just at me, he is dancing for me… not proving his love, he doesn’t need to prove, he was openly demonstrating it. Yuuri could do anything for this. But what he is thinking? When the music started he wrapped arms around himself and touched his body from shoulders down the waist. Instead of the kiss, he bit the lower lip and I could almost hear him sighing from there. I can’t believe… I grabbed on the wall harder. He is not a Yuuri from 2016… this is Yuuri who lived with me. This is my lover.

“I think it’s getting hot from the start here… in this Short Program, Yuuri had planned three jumps in the second half of the program. Since it’s not Grand Prix he could have made some changes, of course. Yuuri just entered beautifully into the spin…”

  
Is he changing the spins? I don’t remember this one. I mean, I remember, but not from this dance. This spin is faster and it requires a lot of energy because you have to spin and slide at the same time, he even started changing legs. Yuuri… what in the world… I know this spin, I did this, created this for his short program in 2018 and he just used this in Eros. After this goes… if I am not mistaken…

“Tuck Axel jump! His signature move from the past! That was out of nowhere!” Commentator shouted at the same time as I flinched. Is he doing jumps in the first part? And not just jumps. The Tuck Axel… was the last one Yuuri did before falling on the ice back then. I suddenly felt a whole rock in my throat and I couldn’t even blink. He became even stronger and more confident about himself and this jump... this jump was the start. He is starting something here and I couldn’t get what, just feel how chills ran down my spine.

“I always thought that this dance reminds me of tango, just look how he moves, like he is not dancing alone. Beautiful back spin. He knows how to make everyone watch at him. I guess this part of Yuuri Katsuki will never change.”

Yuuri slowed his moves so suddenly like he would have wanted to take a break or to think about something, he didn’t stop sliding or spinning, hands were moving along with him, but this somehow made me almost scared. Yuuri jumped one time in the air and then suddenly changed position with one hand he grabbed on the chest and when the increased spinning speed… my cheeks were burning from this view because I knew what jump he will do now… he…

“Yuu-“ I almost screamed but I was in time to cover my mouth with palms. Someone next to me gasped, but I couldn’t move to look who it was.

“Quadruple Salchow… Oh! He almost fell! But was in time to touch the ice with his hand!” From commentator's voice, everyone could feel that his heartbeat raised, but not like mine. Not just because Yuuri almost fell, but because it was the exact mistake he has done dancing Eros for the first time in Hatsetsu. He didn’t fell back then just touched the ice, just like now. This was planned…. Yuuri…. I pressed my palms to my mouth even harder when he started spinning around without even a little pause and slid towards me grabbed my hands, made move them from the mouth. Music was still playing. It was the fast part… the part where he should show the love with his body…

“Wh-…” I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t say a word, not just because of the feeling inside my throat, but because Yuuri suddenly pressed his lips against mine, leaving a hot mark on them, he touched my face and then slid back to the rink, entering to layback position. I was just frozen. Everything happened so quick like in five seconds, but at that moment when he came, time stopped. Here and around us, this body of his… is not for everyone, is just for me. Nobody else can see it, right… dance like you have never danced, dance like it would be the last for you. It’s just one jump left…. Don’t tell me… tears ran down my cheeks even before he jumped.

“Quadruple flip!! Nailed it!! He just changed practically all the jumps… and Triple Axel! God!” At that second when commentator just lost his normal voice and screamed the jump name, it was a hit right into my head, the pain spread so fast, that I lost a view for a few seconds. I leaned forward and grabbed my head with one hand. No… not now… not after few weeks of almost calm life. Not now….

“Victor… Victor!! Are you alright?” I flinched and got back, Simon was standing next to me. The song was over, everyone was clapping and Yuuri just standing there in the middle of the rink, trying to smile, but I saw how he looks at me time to time. I felt like I was in the water all this time and then for one second someone dragged me out of it, but I came back… because it felt good not to breathe, it felt good… to drown because I wasn’t alone. I really wanted to hug and kiss him now, to make me feel great again, to make this pain go away, only Yuuri can stop this.

“Yeah… I am fine.” I nodded for Simon, but his face was pale white. Do I look so bad? I even tried not to hold on my head. “What… is it?” I quickly wiped tears from my cheeks and then fully turned at him. If it’s about…

“I don’t understand why did you let Yuuri perform today, he almost fell… I thought that I will get a heart attack.” He looked at me so seriously like I would have done some sort of a crime. What? I couldn’t really understand what he means by that. Why shouldn't I let him dance? I raised my brow and Simon's face for a second looked like he was just slapped.

“He didn’t tell you…. Damn Yuuri…”

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

  
Before the dance started I didn’t have any idea if Victor understands what I am going to prove him. My words before entering the rink weren’t the real thing I wanted him to see. Actually, I wanted him to think, that I will try to seduce him, but on the other hand, why I need this if Victor is already mine? What I had to do is make Victor understand that there is no one in the world left for him, just me. That he has to leave completely pain behind him and just let me love him with all my heart. Finally say while looking right into my eyes, that he loves me the same. I have thought about the Short Program for so long and finally decided to dance Eros because it was the first program Victor made just for me and my purpose was not to make him remember anymore, it was to show how much beautiful things we have from the past. There is no pain now, there is no reason to keep it in the heart if we can let it go together. So the jumps… that was the hardest part because I was risking with everything. First, I had to break the promise for Simon and second I couldn’t tell Victor about my condition. Was I dumb? Maybe. Or maybe I just trusted myself like never before, I knew I can do it. I knew that I won’t fall… I won’t Victor down. So everything was planned. Maybe I couldn’t change all spins, but I could put this dance and make him not mine, not Victor’s but ours.

The first jump Tuck Axel because it was the painful start… because I still can remember the pain inside, not just in my leg, but the mental pain when this jump became my last one, the one which I didn’t finish and then everything was over. I wanted Victor to see, that now there is nothing to be afraid of because the bad things they don’t happen again if you just start believing in good, in everything you have best next to you. Victor became my best example and I was too blind to see it when he tried to show me this in the past, but now I know and I won’t disappoint him again. The second jump - quad – it was original from the real performance and I touched the ice not because I couldn’t complete it, but because my failures later became my strongest advantage, the lessons that I had to live through with pain and tears, but they always ended up happily. Because there is no bad ending… there can’t be. After this, I just had to go and kiss Victor, show him that there is nothing to be afraid of because really everything has changed, including me and him… but not the love, not the heat that I could give him just with my lips. Victor didn’t expect that, but I couldn’t understand what he is really thinking of. And the third one, the quadruple flip - Victor’s signature. Well… that was everything. My thanks and my love, my passion, and his work for us. I love him, I love him so much… I didn’t plan the triple Axel, but it happened, it was impossible to stop when all emotions just ran into me and I finally felt complete. I did what I want with this dance, I gave him everything from my true love, my desire until the last part of my allegiance towards Victor. I knew that I will succeed and I was right. I ended up the dance in sit spinning position and then the whole world acted like they would have felt the same. But all my words/moves were meant just for Victor, for the first time in my career I didn’t want to say anything for the audience. I can’t thank them, not this time. I am sorry. But not really.

When I looked at Victor, he was standing with his head let down. It was like he couldn’t breathe or he would be in… pain? I had to get out from the ice as quickly as I could because I had to hug him, I had to calm him down. Only I can do this. But people were clapping and shouting and all I was able to do is stand smile with trembling lips. When I looked again at Victor Simon was standing next to him, they were not talking, but Victor’s face said enough. He knows. Simon just told me about the risk, is he mad right now? Or proud because I succeeded?

“Victor…” I turned around and started sliding towards him. Victor didn’t move at first just looked at me with those bright blue eyes with tears in the corners. “I can expl-“ I silently spoke, but he grabbed me in his hands and pressed against the chest, in the way I wanted him to do. He was proud, not mad. With one hand he pressed my waist harder and another wrapped around my shoulders.

“Don’t do this… again… ever to me.” he whispered with such painful voice that it hurt more than his madness. My fingers squeezed his jacket harder and I slowly nodded. To be honest, I don’t know what I have promised to him just now, but I won’t do anything to hurt him. Never. Then why I feel so guilty while he is pressing me so hard in his arms as it would be my soul, as he would want to protect it with his arms as if it could slip away from his fingers. I couldn’t see Simon anymore standing just next to us and I couldn’t hear people around, commentator and I even couldn’t understand that the whole world is watching us. I was always feeling strong standing on the ice, but not this time.  
  
“Yuuri… do you remember the first time you kissed me?” his voice reached me, so silent and somehow timed, somewhere next to my shoulder. The first time I kissed him? I? I guess it was in Hatsetsu just before going to Barcelona. We were on our way back to home from practice and somehow the weather was so warm, so we took a different route, holding hands and talking about small things, laughing because life was so easy and happy. Victor’s face was everything that my heart needed to be happy. It was already dark outside when I stopped under the lamppost and looked right at his face. Then, for the first time, I saw beauty, not in his perfect features… but inside the pure soul.

“Of course… I remember, how could I forget?” I hugged him harder, wrapping my arms around Victor and I felt him with the whole body, he was trembling a little bit. So he was that scared? Those two weeks which we had before competition passed quickly, but sometimes the moments were going forever. We were sleeping in the same bed, sometimes kissing and spending time together, but something was missing. Like a huge part of this relationship was still somewhere lost. I could have waited for more before this, I could have waited until my body would be strong enough for any jumps… but something inside told me, that I have to do this now. I couldn’t wait, I didn’t want to wait anymore. I won’t regret.

“What you have told me then?” Victor asked silently lifting head a little bit, his sweet voice rubbed my ear and I closed my eyes. I never thought about this, but now I can see again that light which is falling on Victor’s face, I can see how he widely opens eyes when I move closer and touch his cheek with my fingertips. His skin is soft and warm, but the top of my fingers are already burning. Touching him is pleasure and sin because back then Victor was everything and I was still nothing. I don’t have any idea why after remembering this my heart started to tremble in the chest like I was about to cry.

* * *

 

 

[Danny Rayel - Tears of Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFAvf-uwrdo)

* * *

**Victor**

* * *

 

“You will never be alone again, Victor,” Yuuri answered my question with the same tone he said back then, even the voice was trembling the same. I nodded. That moment, first time Yuuri promised that he will never let me be alone again, that I won’t be lonely. These words later were repeated again and again in different situations because of various reasons, but neither of them was so precious like the first one.

“So… don’t leave me… alone. Don’t.” I finally moved my head and looked right at Yuuri’s eyes, he looked in shock. I took his face in my palms and pressed my forehead against his. The pain in my head was spreading down, but once we touched each other it didn’t matter anymore. My pain next to Yuuri… turns into nothing. “Don’t leave me, Yuuri… never again. You promised. I don’t want to be alone.” I whispered so silently that only my lips moved and hot air came from the mouth, but the words… I hope Yuuri felt them not heard. Like that time… I will always remember how he kissed me, under that lamppost, on our way back home. How he pressed lips against mine and they were shivering, how his blushed cheeks were burning under my fingers when I touched his skin. Like now. _You will never be alone._ He repeated. He said… _Victor, leave everything that was before me… leave and forget. I will become your home._

“I won’t… I won’t.” he shook his head and I nodded. Good. This only thing I needed. I kissed softly his lips and then cheeks and forehead. It hurt a little bit that he didn’t tell me the truth, thinking how this could have ended made me feel scared. He really could have fallen… and then nobody would be able to return Yuuri to me. From the other side, just now I understood how important it was for Yuuri if he was ready to sacrifice his life for this. But Yuuri is so dumb… if anything would have happened, then what was the point for all of this? I can’t let this continue.

“We are not dancing the Free Program. I won’t risk like that.” Even if my voice wasn’t strict I was serious. This need to stop, he doesn’t have to prove anything. Why is he doing that? Unless… unless it’s finally the time… I don’t need to wait anymore. All these two weeks I was waiting for the right moment… and now. Now is the time.

“Victor?” he blinked few times and looked at me when I slowly kneeled on the ground. That’s what I had to do on our Anniversary, that was the real meaning why I had to go to Barcelona. Back then, I still couldn’t open my eyes, but now I see things clearly enough. I won’t let my happiness go away. I will keep him next to my heart until the last minute.

“Yuuri… I will… continue making mistakes, I think I will still say a lot of stupid things and I guess some bad desitions will cross our path again, maybe I will get mad again or you will get mad at me. I mean, I am not perfect and I will never be… but I love you. I love you with everything I have, Yuuri. And if it’s enough for you to be happy… then... Will you marry me?” I took his hand and pressed to my lips, feeling how his heart beat goes down the fingers through me until the heart. It’s so fast and strong it gives me hope that this time, finally everything can be alright. For one second Yuuri’s face and eyes were frozen and then suddenly tears started coming like he was already crying for ten minutes or more.

“Yes… Yes… Yes, Victor. Yes.” He quickly kneeled in front of me and hugged with such a strength that it even hurt, but this pain was good, it was nice and I finally felt calm, and happy. In my heart I knew his answer, I knew it all along, but when I heard his voice saying it without any doubts, I couldn’t hold back my smile.

“I think Victor Nikiforov just proposed to his husband…? Again? Oh…!! Congratulations!!” The sound turned on when because commentator screamed so hard like he has seen something from the space. When everyone around understood what he said and joined with the screaming we with Yuuri were still in our little world.

“Will you dance for me now?” he asked holding his cheek on my shoulder and I smiled, of course, I will dance for him. If it’s what Yuuri needs. He showed me his love on the ice and now it’s my turn. After that it won’t be important who wins, nobody I guess. I took out rings from my pocket and put them in Yuuri’s hand.

“Hold them close to your heart. When the music stops, I want them back on my finger.” I pressed again Yuuri in my arms and then we both got up on our feet. But he still didn’t let me go, Yuuri’s hand were wrapped around my waist and he kept his cheek on my chest, silently crying I guess this time from happiness. I rubbed his hair, letting them slip through my fingers, this feeling was amazing, even if it’s such simple thing, it’s something that you don’t want to forget. Something you want to keep with you forever. “By the way… it was really the most sexy Katsudon I have ever seen, but let me show you how professionals dance.” That made me Yuuri look at me. With these big brown eyes, he almost looked like a child.

“Show me…” he murmured with a smile and I let him go, but Yuuri didn’t. It’s like he didn’t want to let me go. Or he wanted to go on the ice together. He looked at my face for one second longer and then stepped back, letting me go to the rink, I took off the jacket and protectors.

“After this huge surprise for everyone Victor Nikiforov is in the rink! I am still in shock, but alright. Today he will be dancing _Tears of Love_ composed by Danny Rayel. Choreography for this performance was made by Yuuri Katsuki - Nikiforov and Victor himself. Of course, what else we could expect. That’s really touching music I could say… we will need to ask him later where he found this song.”

I stopped in the middle of the rink and took a deep breath. I would never say where I took this song from because it’s too precious and it’s only mine. Yuuri didn’t know what song I will use for the short program, but I looked at him and saw that Yuuri is watching me with his mouth opened wide, still like a precious boy, not like a grown up man. I saw that he is holding right fist on his chest like I told him. That made me smile. Soon, baby. Really soon. I turned around and started sliding.

“That’s just like a fairy tale, it’s even beautiful to look how he moves so light, like walking on the clouds! Perfect start with the spinning combination.”

This song… was actually picked for me. In 2019 before our separation, Yuuri was the one who helped me create some spins and combinations. He was laughing saying that if he would get a chance to see me dancing by this song that would be more he ever wanted. But then it was not funny because Yuuri couldn’t walk and see how everyone else is dancing was still too painful for him. Behind his laugh, I saw tears and I couldn’t help him, just try to dance from the bottom of my heart for both of us.

“Triple Salchow and double flip combination. Graceful entry, it seems that he really enjoys dancing about this Love.”

It’s always like that when I was practicing to dance by this music it wasn’t the same as it is now. When I know that Yuuri is watching me, everything is so different. I can feel the love coming from me towards him, the love that I wanted to ignore, but now I want to show them what I feel. To him more specific… how much I feel and it can’t be stopped. Because this love is like a silent spring night when there is no sign of wind. When you feel that grief inside your chest. When the warm feeling is knocking inside your chest. This is like a night full of stars and I love it, I can’t deny. It’s like a castle from the tale. I love that other soul who now belongs to me… all days and nights… if that soul will go until the end with me.... I will never stop loving it.

“Triple Axel, triple Lutz, and single flip combination! Brilliant! This man even after such a long years is full of surprises! What Victor Nikiforov got for us in the end?”

In the end? I don’t want it to end… I don’t want to… give up. It finally feels so good to fight. I finally really feel like myself. It’s like I would have found what I was searching for again and this would have cleaned my soul.

_Yuuri… I… don’t know what Yurio told you exactly, but… I want you to hear this from me, not from him. I… want to try again. If you want the same. I won’t deny that it was hard, that everything that happened really hurt me. And I am not proud of some of my actions. I wanted to believe that I forgot you, I was sure that I don’t love you anymore. But at the moment when I saw you in London, I understood that…_

This hit my head so fast together with a huge amount of pain, which a second ago was just some annoying and insignificant thing… but now I couldn’t stop it. I also couldn’t change anything, I was too late for this… I was too slow to stop… because the pain got me right in the middle of the jump.

I saw myself sitting in the small room and writing a letter, word by word, step by step my tears were wiping the ink away and it was almost impossible to read what I am writing. But I knew, I knew every word from that letter. I knew it because it was the only one happy letter I wrote. Not how I am drowning in the dark, but how… how I have still hope that he will find me. One day, someday when I wouldn’t expect this. That moment I gave up on anger.

 

 

_2020, November 29._

_Yuuri,_

  
_I don’t know what I could wish for you this year, sorry that I am not with you again… I am sorry that you are not with me. But maybe one day you will able to read this, with me or not… I want you to know._

  
_That even when winter passes and there will be no more ice in the rivers, when trees will cover in white blossoms, I will wait you there… I will wait you there, I will wait how long it takes. And when the summer passes, in those long bright nights, looking at the sky, feeling lonely tears in my eyes I will still be waiting. And then there will be autumn, here will be getting cold… I will be still standing there by the same tree, even if my fingers are going to freeze without your warmth. In the winter when snowflakes will be dancing even if it's going to be so cold that I won’t be able to breathe, I will still be waiting for you._

_And if you still love me, even just a little bit. If you believe me this gives me hope. When I close my eyes sometimes I think what if you are also thinking about me at this moment, then I don’t feel so lonely anymore. It feels like I have you so close to me, then I am not afraid. I will wait as long as I can, please. Come back._

_Even if someone will tell me that you are gone, I won’t believe them. I won't. I will be still waiting here. Come back home, I am begging you. I will be waiting for you when there will be nobody else left… when nobody will expect you to come back. I will be here. Waiting. Forever._

_I love you._

_Happy Birthday, Yuuri._

_Victor._

* * *

**Yuuri**

* * *

 

 

At first, it felt a little bit unfair that Victor didn’t tell me what song he will use for the Short Program because I have told him mine, but then somehow I started thinking that maybe it’s even better. I mean Victor was always full of surprises, so I tried to calm myself down, that this time is the same. This surprise he was making for me, turned to be something similar to a new world miracle. I never expected him to pick the song from those times! When commentator said the name, I could just stare with my mouth opened wide. I was still in a huge shock after what happened here just a few minutes ago. Well, I really expected for Victor finally say that he loves me… he said this in Barcelona, but I wanted to hear it clear again, without any bad words that might separate us again. But I didn’t expect him… to propose. That took from me all strengths, but I still had to hold on my feet. And from that moment I didn’t want let him go… even if I wanted to see him dancing for me, but at the same time I didn’t. And I couldn’t explain why… Finally, when we both took our mask from faces and looked at each other with our souls… I understood that everything just had to be like this. We had to go through this again to become strong again. We had to fall apart to get back together later even stronger than we were. Even without memories, Victor was the same. He came back. I came back to him.

I pressed rings so hard in my hand feeling how my heart is trembling, it wanted to go out the chest, go out to that ice where Victor was spinning around so beautifully like I have never seen in my life. He is not spreading any sadness… finally, there was just pure love around him, slowly like lava... taking over everything. In my dance, the heat was like a shoot and this one was slow but deep… burning… in the most pleasant way. When Victor did the first combination I flinched. I did this… I did this combination for him. Still while sitting in the wheelchair, I remember like it was yesterday… it was early morning and I was sitting in the kitchen trying to imagine how Victor would look like while dancing this. He was beautiful in every way… but this dance was slow and I thought that jumps also must be like that. Originally this dance had to be his free program, but he decided to dance it here and now as Short Program? Another combination, Victor was not even watching on the ice anymore, I could see that his eyes are closed as he was just feeling emotions, not thinking about steps. And I was standing here crying… I mean how can I stop this, when I finally see him so calm and happy? I could already imagine how he, in the end, runs to me or maybe I should run to him, jump and press to the ice. Scream and shout from happiness? I would love to do that. If he follows the original program it should be quadruple Flip jump next. His signature. I leaned a little bit forward waiting for it, he always does this one so beautifully…

“Third jump quadruple fl----“

The time stopped. I saw everything like in slow motion movie. Or like frame by frame. How Victor starts the jump and in the middle of it, he just freezes and then falls on the ice. Victor hit it with his whole body, first of all with legs, then painfully with the back almost at the point that it stretched back. And then… he hit the ice with his head. Action for which it took like 3 seconds to happen turned into a one-century long movie, which made me into one big mess. It was like I was watching at myself when I saw the blood on the ice, the time turned back to 2018, just the only difference I was standing here… healthy waiting for Victor to do his signature jump, like he was waiting for me back then.

“Victor!” I screamed his name out together with my lungs. He was lying on the ice not moving, like not breathing at all. Two pairs of hands grabbed me from behind and I couldn’t move, I tried as hard as I could, I was even ready to kick them and fight, but… “Let go! Let go… Victor!” I couldn’t hear what they are saying to me, I just knew that I must be there, but I am here and it’s not how it should be. I don’t belong here without him. Why he is not moving??

“Yuuri, don’t move, calm down. Everything will be fine.” I don’t need this calm voice next to me. I don’t need him to tell me to calm down or whatever. I don’t want to be here, I need to be there, with him. Some people were already on the ice and even from here, even if I was still trying to get out from these traps I was into, I saw everything clear. I couldn’t ignore how they put Victor on some stretcher and then just rips apart his white shirt. I don’t know what they were doing, I didn’t know the names of the equipment they were using for that, but it looked horrible. Every second worse and worse… in front of everyone, in front of me, they were killing him not bringing back. No matter what they were doing it looked the same only the colors were getting more and more blurry for me. No. It’s just… after finally Victor told me in the eyes that he forgives me after he said that he loves me… even in our anniversary, it was raining the same like it was on our wedding. All those signs were saying that it’s getting better, but Victor’s eyes were closed. His face looked relaxed like he was just sleeping. Just sleeping, right? Right?

“We lost him…” the silent voice which came from that team of killers on the ice was loud like a grenade. They lost what? They didn’t loose anything! I stopped moving.

“Yeah, I think he has died at the same second when he fell.”

“Should I announce the time of death?”

“Yes.”

“Time of death: nineteen minutes past two.”

Nobody tried to hold me now and my body started moving. Not me, not my mind or heart, they were lost somewhere. Just my body. An empty shell, moving back somewhere without seeing a goal. Love can hurt you, Loving someone else will hurt you even more. And that it’s hard to love someone else, it’s hard to share your soul and heart, it’s hard to take care of someone because it will hurt you in the all possible ways. But that was the only one thing for me to feel alive. Love. On ice. Or from it. I wish that love would be like a picture that I could carry with myself because in picture nothing will change… time never goes on, love won’t fade away… and it won’t hurt. If my love would be just in the picture I wouldn’t be now screaming inside. I wouldn't be right now crawling on the ice towards him. Victor's eyes were closed so I couldn’t look at the sky but it feels like he was so far away, unreachable… frozen. If only love could heal and if only my soul could do more than just exist as a symbol. If I would have been a little bit smarter… if only I would have noticed, if only I could have a power to turn time back, I would never let him go on the ice alone. But now my words bleed the same as ice… it turns red and I know I am trying to hurt myself as much as I can. If only I would have fallen, now me… not he would be lying here.

“I am sorry you can’t--- we are sorry, but please…”

My arm, not me, pushed someone away. With hurting knees and bleeding heart, strangling by tears and with an empty soul, I started reaching for his hand, for his long strong fingers which were lying now on the ice, melting… he could be gone any second and I couldn’t reach his hand… I couldn’t. So there was this naked ugly truth behind his condition, there was the whole spectrum of emotions behind his cold face, there was so much pain behind his happy tears… Behind words “we can’t be together”, there was “we are nothing without each other.” And there are so many words behind this silence.

“Wake up… Victor… wake up…” my fingertips touched him and I slowly slid through his cold palm, leaving our rings inside it and then pressing it between my fingers. I promised that I won’t leave him… but why he is leaving me now? I could say something like that thousand times but words won’t make you open your eyes and won’t bring you back, right? I could cry every tear until the last drop, but this also won’t help… All you left behind now are not memories, not even a broken or healed heart… behind yourself, you left me. You left us… you…

“Ty ostavil menya.” (You left me) I pressed his hand harder, those rings inside were almost cutting my skin. “Viktor… Vernis'… Viktor… VIKTOR!!” (Victor…. Come back… Viktor… VIKTOR!!) Just a second ago everyone was trying to push me away from him, but now no one was moving. I pressed his hand to my lips and kissed his fingers, again and again, crying and begging in my mind in Russian, Japanese, English… in every possible way, I could beg… I begged just one. Only one.

Don’t leave me behind.  
Like you did in Tokyo.

Don’t leave me behind.  
Like you did in Barcelona.  
Take me with yourself.

Don’t leave me behind.

In the emptiness.  
In the vanity.  
In the dark.

Don’t leave Behind Us…. Us. Us both.

 

I still remember how I kissed him under the lamppost for the first time. Victor touched my face with his fingertips. He moved them slowly almost as he was scared… he touched my skin and I came back to life. Just like now. His index finger moved…touching my lower lip. Like saying: _You will never be alone_. I knew that. I always knew that you don’t give up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VICTOR DIDN'T DIE, OK? HE MOVED HIS FINGER IN THE END OF THE CHAPTER
> 
> Who ever told you that Yuuri will be the one who falls? Not even funny, I know.  
> Sorry, to be honest, I don't even know what to say. I will leave all the notes for the next chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> Gifs are all made by me :3
> 
> Tumblr: [vitavilichan](vitavilichan.tumblr.com)
> 
> See you in the main chapter of the series ^^  
> With all kind of love,  
> Vitavili <3


	23. UNBROKEN HEART

* * *

**2023, June 15.**

* * *

  
**Message:** _Phichit_ 08:58 a.m. JST  
Hey. Maybe you could take care of Shuusei until lunch? He should wake up around 10 a.m. I went to visit Victor earlier today.

 **Message:** _Victuuri Uke_ 09:10 a.m. JST  
Good morning, Yuuri! Sure! Don’t worry! Give greetings to Victor from me.

 **Message:** _Phichit_ 9:12 a.m. JST  
Thank you.  
**Message:** _Phichit_ 9:14 a.m. JST  
Just please don’t give him too much chocolate.

I put my phone in the jeans pocket and sighed at the same time, I am sure that he will still give him chocolate, but because of it Shuusei becomes hyperactive and then it’s impossible to make him take a nap after lunch. And without a nap he is passing out already around 8 p.m. I mean, maybe it doesn’t sound bad, let the poor child sleep everyone would say, but if he falls asleep that early he wakes up around 5 a.m. like brand new. A few weeks ago I would have never thought that I will have such kind of problems in my life. But this problem was a happy one. Happy problems. Sounds strange… I pressed photo album harder against my chest and turned around the corner, crossed the street and stopped in front of the hospital for one second before entering.

Every morning starts the same. I finally get up from the bed after a sleepless night and make myself to start a new day. Usually, I wait until Shuusei wakes up and after the breakfast, I am going to the hospital until lunch, then come back home and after Shuusei falls asleep for a day nap, I go again to the hospital until around 6 p.m. and then… after I leave the building my heartbeat raises and I can’t calm down until the next morning. If I could, I would be always here with him, but the fact that I have to be strong in front of Shuusei made me continue living like always or at least try. I never took him with myself to see Victor, I just tried to say that he will come back soon, but to be honest I didn’t know the truth. I just had to calm him down somehow. I nodded for a nurse who just left Victor’s ward and she smiled for me. I entered the room.

“Good morning, love,” I whispered like there would be tons of people around, but he was lying here alone. With his eyes closed and with a calm face, sleeping. Like always. I stepped closer to the bed and leaned forward leaving a kiss on his forehead. “It’s such beautiful day outside.” I smiled looking at his perfect face features, taking my daily dose of this view, to survive one more day. “I will open the window a little bit, alright?” I put the photo album next to the bed, walked towards the window and opened it letting in fresh air. Yesterday it was raining, but today the day was beautiful and sunny.

“I don’t really like that nurse, to be honest. I hope you don’t like her too.” I came back to him and sat on the chair, then took Victor’s hand between mine and pressed his fingers harder. His hand was warm, that’s good. A few days ago he scared me like hell when I touched his hand and it was cold like ice. I slowly lifted his hand, kissed fingertips and pressed them to my cheek closing my eyes and leaving everything else behind. Just feeling his touch. I am complete again.

It doesn’t matter how many times I come here, I still remember that day when this happened. It’s like an infinite loop inside my head. How Victor falls on the ice, how they try to prove me that he is dead and I am shaking my head screaming that he moved a finger, that he touched my lips. Nobody believed me, all of them said that it’s what I wanted to feel. Among them was such stupid girl who couldn’t say anything else just: _how could he move if he is dead?_ When nobody could make me move from Victor they called Simon and I grabbed his pants with my free hand: _Help me… help me… help us._ I couldn’t stop repeating. First, he was just looking with those eyes which made me just move forward and grab on Victor’s body. I knew that no matter what they say I will never let him go from my hands. They could have taken from me everything, just not him. My heart was getting out from my throat, but at the same time, my whole body got numb. Just after few seconds, I understood that my heartbeat is not the only one I hear right now. The other one was weak and silent, but it was real, not imaginary. My whole body froze and I grabbed on Simon again who was now kneeling next to me, saying something that I couldn’t understand. _I can hear his heartbeat. I can hear it._ I said with trembling voice looking at Simon’s face. I can hear it.

Victor was taken to the hospital and of course, I was right. He was alive, I don’t know what kind of shitty doctors were working there, but I am sure that Simon made sure that they would be kicked out. Victor’s heart didn’t stop beating, nor then, nor now. In the hospital, Simon himself made sure that everything would be done right. Victor has broken his left ankle, twisted arm and had a lot of bruises all over his body. All these injuries weren’t that bad as I thought from the first sight. It seems that he was almost able to land on the blades and just then passed out completely. The blood I saw on the ice, was just my worst memories from the past because actually there was no blood at all… Victor even didn’t hit his head that bad. Doctor’s and even Simon thought that physically there is nothing that could cause him death. Despite this… Victor didn’t wake up, not the next day… or the day after that… until now.

Of course, they called this coma, but actually, nobody could explain the real reason. After three days he was moved from Kyoto to the hospital in Hatsetsu. That’s all they could do – make sure that he will be close to home. Nothing more. Only Victor’s silent heartbeat now was a prove that he is alive. And all I could do was wait. Talk with him without any response or sign that he hears me. But I still had to talk with him like he would be listening… without this, think I would have been broken completely by now. Nobody said that he won’t wake up…. Nobody even once said that he will. I didn’t have anything else left. I just knew one thing for sure. I won’t leave him. Ever.

“Okay okay… I am not crying.” I quickly wiped tears from my cheeks with one hand and opened my eyes then kissed his fingers again and put Victor’s hand on the bed. “Phichit sends you greetings… let’s just hope he won’t give Shuusei too much choc-…” I stopped speaking for a few seconds thinking what I will say again to that poor boy when he asks: _When Vitya comes back?_ I wish I knew myself. But all I could say was _Soon. Don’t worry, he will come back soon_.

“Look what I found. Remember this? I never thought that you have hidden this so well.” I smiled for Victor and sat on the corner of the bed that I would be close to him, then took photo album into my hands. The one that Ana and Alexey gave to me on my birthday two years ago, it was full of Victor’s photos. Until now I clearly remember how he hid this album from everyone when they laughed at some photo. My poor baby… this memory kept me smiling. I found this album accidently yesterday in my old room in the evening and this was the reason why I decided to come earlier today, I wanted to watch these photos together with Victor.

I opened a random page and there was Victor around 16 years old, graceful, standing on the ice and holding flowers in his hands, smiling at the camera. Such long hair. I touched the photo as if I could feel him like I could go through this photo and come to this memory stand there with him, make him smile for real. I wonder where it was taken. I tried to remember this outfit, but I couldn’t. I tried to look even closer, but the color of the photo was too dark to see the color of his eyes. I can’t see the blue sky. I quickly opened another page and the next one and the next one. It’s Victor, but not the one I miss right now. That smile on his lips proved one: he was lonely. He was not smiling with his heart. I guess I would have watched at these photos differently if Victor could see them also. He would have laughed and said something silly, but there was quiet, he didn’t speak to me. Victor can’t say anything. I opened another page already with trembling fingers, without strengths. In this one he was sitting on the bench, like waiting for something, looking somewhere in the emptiness. Victor was still with long hair here, but this photo was so different from the ones I had. Because this one was not taken for public, it was real him… this was real thing hidden under his smile.

“Victor…” my lips trembled one second before I burst into tears, this was just too much. Photo album slipped from my fingers and painfully fell on the floor. “Vic-tor…” my voice cracked while sobbing and I turned head at him, touched face with fingers and leaned forward. “I promise you won’t be alone ever again, okay? I won’t leave you, no matter what. I will never let you go… I will be here.” I was speaking just with my lips, not letting any sound. Bust still trying to convince myself, that he hears everything. My tears were falling on Victor’s face and it looked like he is also crying, that it’s not only me trying to live through every day and not break. It’s pointless it happens every day, no matter what I do. “Victor… open your eyes. Look at me… Victor. I miss the color of your eyes, I miss your voice, I miss your smile… I miss you so much.” I pressed my forehead to his shoulder and found his hand with my fingers. “Victor… why you are not saying anything… please.” Like he would ever listen to anyone, not even to me. I pressed his hand harder trying to imagine that he also holds my hand as strong as I hold his. I wish I could stay like this forever until we just become one.

 

 

“Yuuri? Hey… Yuuri, wake up.” A quiet voice said, but I flinched and jumped so fast as if somebody would have shouted. I was still holding on Victor’s hand and I fell asleep after listening to his heartbeat. It’s the only place where I can sleep. Just with him. I searched for my glasses and put them back on, my body was numb after sleeping in this position.

“Sorry…“ I let go of Victor’s hand and rubbed my eye with hand. It was Alexey, he was standing next to the bed, looking at me and trying not to see Victor. He is not the only one. Everyone is the same. Avoiding him. Letting the hope go. But not me. I don’t care that they don’t believe.

“Why are you apologizing? It’s almost lunch and Shuusei is asking about you.” Alexey picked the photo album from the floor and looked at it for a second, but then quickly put it away. After looking at Alexey so many times I finally saw that he has a lot of different features from Victor. To be honest, I tried to found as many as I could… because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to look at Alexey without sobbing.

“I see… let’s go then.” I got on my feet and took out my phone, there were few calls missed, but my sound was turned off. I went towards the window and closed it, looking at the sky for a second, searching for any kind of blue color, but it was getting dark… I think it might rain again after lunch. I froze after turning around because Alexey was holding his hand on Victor’s hair, looking right at his face. Even from the spot where I was standing, I saw that he is breathing faster than always. I slowly came closer and put my hand on Alexey’s shoulder.

“It looks like Vitya will open his eyes any second, right? It looks like he is just taking a rest…” boy said quietly and I couldn’t take my eyes away from his face. I see him every day yet it was the first time I saw that this boy would be looking at someone like this. There was a huge sadness in his eyes. Just different from mine. Alexey was really good at hiding his pain most of the time, but not now. Not here. Not anymore. I didn’t answer anything. The answer was too obvious.

“To tell the truth, I came here… because I wanted to talk with you, Yuuri… already for some time. But I never found enough strengths to start this conversation… and somehow now… I just… if I don’t tell this…” Alexey turned his head at me and I saw that his eyes are full of tears. He is breaking.

“Ale-“

“Yuuri.” He suddenly **hugged me** so hard, that I even forgot how to breathe. He has never hugged me like that. To be honest, at that second I even didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t move my arms and I didn’t have any idea why I deserved this hug from him. My eyes were pointed at Victor, I wonder what he would say if he could open eyes right now. “Thank you….” Alexey said into my ear, making chills ran down my spine. Thank you for what? Why?

_“I have thanked you for becoming the important part of Victor’s life… but I have never said thank you for breaking my walls. I don’t know if you have noticed how much have you done for me. Without realizing this. Because of you, I was able to become a part of Victor’s life again, I finally found out what it means to have real friends and how it feels to take care of someone. You opened my eyes so many times, Yuuri. I was always watching you… You are a truly amazing person and you have the biggest heart I have ever seen. If someone deserves to be happy, it’s you. Because of your love. Because I saw so many times how you don’t give up… Because you don’t give up even now. You are so strong. You are. The strongest person. And you mean so much for me. You and Victor. Your love means a lot to me… I also won’t give up. Like you. Ever. **Thank you** so much for helping me to learn this.”_

 

 

I slowly raised my hands and hugged Alexey, pressing my face to his shoulder and started crying out loud. Something inside me cracked, but this feeling was not painful, somehow after this, I started feeling a little bit better. I couldn’t answer to this boy, who just for the first time, opened his heart for me. But I think that we were at the point when words became pointless. His words crossed my chest and I wanted to deny almost all of them. Tell Alexey that I am not strong or amazing… or… someone special. But I couldn’t let the sound out. Just cry, feeling really calm in his arms. Feeling almost happy.

We entered the house I stopped in the middle of the room when I saw the view. Ana was holding Shuusei like a body pillow, squeezing him so hard against her, that poor boy couldn’t move. I was sure that he doesn’t understand anything about women’s body, but the fact that Ana had big chest couldn’t be really ignored. How even is he breathing?

“Ana, what are you doing here?” Alexey asked and she stopped squeezing Shuusei at the same second, but when she turned head at us there was no sign of confusion.

“Giving loooove of course, he is sooooo cute, and since we are leaving this evening. I need this.” She said so casually still holding Shuusei strong enough for him to move. He saw me and tried to reach with his small hands, but in Ana’s arms, he was still chained too strong.

“Yuuuuuuulllliiii….” Shuusei tried to roll over her arms and I bit my lip in order to hold back a smile. Ana has put bunny ears on his head making him look like a fluffy and chubby toy. Victor has bought these ears long ago and they were lying safe in my old room until Ana found them and made sure that Shuusei would be wearing them almost all day. That made her cry from happiness.

“Just let poor boy go or he will choke between your boobs.” Alexey sighed. Usually, Ana always does what she wants and nobody can stop her, but her twin brother was the only one who could make her listen. I think she was still feeling guilty about leaving him and going to Paris. Thank you God, Shuusei was too concentrated trying to reach me so he didn’t pay attention to other things. He learns words so fast, last week his favorite one was _baka_ which he learned from Yurio, I just didn’t want that this week it would be _boobs_.

“Hey, love…” I opened my arms and Shuusei quickly ran towards me when Ana finally let him go. I caught the bunny and took him in my hands. He pressed cheek to my face holding on my shoulders. No matter how I am feeling, Shuusei always makes my day better. He always meets me with a wide smile. As for Ana, she was sad just around two or three seconds and after this Shuusei was replaced by Alexey. She hugged brother hard and smiled for me. Everyone has their babies here.

“Yuuli, Chu-nii give me candy.” Shuusei showed me his fingers. I told Phichit not to give him chocolate, but talking to Phichit is like talking to a wall. He created this nickname that it would be easier for Shuusei to pronounce, but I think he still doesn’t understand that this boy is not a toy. And of course, half of chocolate from Shuusei fingers was already on my shirt.

“So I guess you don’t want to eat lunch then?” after my question he shook head and wrapped hands around my neck, I kissed his soft hair, holding him tight. So now there is no way he falls asleep.

“Yuuri, want to go for a walk?” I turned my head at Ana, Alexey waved for me, he left the room before doing something. The only one question was what this girl wants. I would rather go to my little house for more personal space, but from her look, I understood that she will still make me go with her. I nodded, but when she showed me to give Shuusei I stepped back.

“No. Forget about this,” I said with deadly serious voice. When I am here nobody can torture this boy. Despite serious face, my reaction made Ana smile too widely. She walked out and we both with Shuusei were watched her.

“I go too,” Shuusei said and I couldn’t disagree. First, that wasn’t even a question and second, his face looked like he is going to try to protect me from her any second. Bunny hero. I kissed his cheek and put back on the floor taking off his bunny ears.

“Alright, but we will leave these here. And let’s clean your hands.” I softly smiled for my boy looking right at his big bright eyes. Yes, sky like this. The only one I have right now.

“I will miss this… I never thought that I will find a place which actually feels like home.” we were walking near the beach, in silence. It’s actually really rare for Ana not to speak, but we were in our thoughts and I had to pay attention at Shuusei and Makkachin who were walking in front of us. Shuusei was trying to catch Makka and every time he couldn't, the air filled with his pure laugh.

“True… well, you can visit us anytime. You know that, right?” I shrugged not looking at her and only when Ana took my hand, I felt that squeezing feeling inside me. I also don’t want them to go… I know that Simon has to work and he has done everything he can here… Alexey also needs to work and Ana, of course, will go with him. I could have asked them to stay, but I have been selfish enough to keep all of them here for so long. No matter what’s going on inside me, life goes on.

“Yuuri.” She suddenly stopped and I also had to do the same. “You don’t have to say something that you don’t want to. I know you too well.”

“So what are you suggesting? Should I beg everyone to stay? I know it’s impossible. You have been with me for so long… I jus-“

_“Oh shut up, you dork. It’s not what I mean. Eh… I should start by saying that actually, we lied for you when we said that we don’t know who our father is. My and Alexey’s father was alcoholic, he was beating our mother, beating us all the time and when Victor came to live with us he was still there. Since then everything changed… when Vitya first time protected me from father. I still can remember this as well as it happened yesterday. He protected me, Alexey and our mother taking all pain to himself. After some time, my mother finally found strengths to go to the police and that man was arrested. I haven’t heard anything about him since then… but it’s not the point. Victor was always doing everything for others, not for himself and if he does something, he puts all his heart inside. He is not afraid… everyone said to him: put everything you have in your skating, put everything that you have for your future. So he did. Always, every time… from the moment I started living with him, I have never seen Victor doing something just for himself. He was always searching for something, trying to do his best, to be the best in everything… but god damn it. He is also just a person. Really good person. He was trying so hard that this broke him into pieces, that’s when he left us and started living on his own. Since Victor left my home didn’t feel the same. We couldn’t help him, how he helped us. Yuuri, you are everything for him and seeing how you don’t give up makes me feel like home. Not the place itself, but people. I was wrong when I left to Paris… but I was afraid to talk with you. Because you became the person who brought us back together and I tried to run. **Thank you** for bringing back my family, also for those new people in it. Every day spent here in Hatsetsu with all of you was a blessing. And you are the reason of all this. So don’t give up, Yuuri. Never. And we will be here always for you. Whenever you need. We are a family, right? Right?”_

Ana suddenly jumped on me, **wrapping her arms around my neck** hard and kissed my cheek. I also hugged her still a little bit in shock after everything I heard. It’s like they have opened my eyes twice today. Both of them. Alexey and Ana, the reason why they were with us was so different… I have never thought that being with me means so much for them. For me. She is right. We are family. After everything… it couldn’t be different. It’s not just me and Victor… it’s all of us. Feeling the same, just from different points of view. I pressed my forehead to her shoulder and smiled. Somehow it feels warm and again something  squeezed my chest. These twins mean so much for me, I can’t even… they are a real treasure.

“And I still love your butt.” Well, in the end, Ana is Ana. She used this weak moment and quickly grabbed my butt before I could do anything. I opened my mouth to say something, but there was someone faster than me.

“Mine! Don’t hug.” Shuusei grabbed my leg and tried to push Ana away with his small hand.

“Oh my, he is like a small version of Victor! I wonder what will happen when Victor wakes up they will be fighting for you all day long.” She stepped back, but couldn’t stop smiling seeing how Shuusei is holding on me like this way he could protect me from anyone. I touched his hair feeling how tears come back into my eyes. I didn’t want to cry, not at all… this moment was funny, but… but…

“You… you believe… that he’s going to wake up?” I asked just now lifting my head. I looked right at girl’s eyes. She was the first, since that day when Victor fell, who said something similar. Everyone else was just trying to change the topic. But I needed. I needed this so much. A prove, that I am not the only one who believes. I saw that her lips are also trembling. Ana covered her mouth with palm and let only one tear run down her cheek. Yes. She believes.

 

  
“Alexey, we need to buy something for mom!” Ana shouted while hanging on her brother's neck. It’s almost impossible to see them apart from each other. They were pulling each other like magnets. We were in the airport waiting for registration. I came with them all the way to say goodbye. After this, I didn’t know when we are going to see each other.

“We will buy something in Duty-Free.” Alexey was holding his sister with one hand with another scrolling something on his phone. Ana looked for a second at the screen.

“Who is this Julia? You just liked her photo or what?” she grabbed Alexey’s phone from his hands jumped few steps away when he tried to catch her. “A heart? You have her a heart? She is not even pretty!!”

“Give it back. She is my student… Ana!” When Alexey shouted we both with Simon turned our back on them. I could hear how she starts to run.

“Student in my ass yo-“

“Yeah, one of the things that I really need to take a break from,” Simon said crossing his arms on his chest and I smiled. Right, similar situations were a casual thing in our life here. We had two drama queens Ana and Phichit, always showing their best.

“I guess Yukiko is going crazy without you… she will never let you come visit me again.” I laughed, but not really honestly. Poor women. I am taking her husband for my needs too often.

“She understands why I had to be here… but yes, I miss her.” He said this with a calm voice, but I knew that Simon actually feels more than he shows. It’s have been more than a month since he saw her. I couldn’t even imagine who I would become without seeing Victor for a whole month.

“Yes… thank you. I think I have never thanked you properly. For everything, you have done. I mean… you have saved our lives so many times… I can’t even…”

_“Yuuri, I hope you don’t see me as a doctor. I am your friend. That’s why I am here. I think everyone has done more than enough to help you or Victor, not just me. I could just say, that you are blessed to have so many people around you who are prepared do anything anytime. And what’s more important they are doing this because they want to because… nobody is forcing them. Because you are an amazing person and they know that. I know that. What I have done… for you, I would do this again. And what pisses me off now, that I am kind of useless in this situation. And just want you to know, that it's not your fault. None of those things. I believe in people who believes in themselves. And the thing that keeps me want to do this even more… are those sparkles in your eyes, since the first day we met. In your eyes, you have more hope than I ever had. As a doctor I always knew…. That life is not always successful, people come to our lives and leave. But this just doesn't work for you. No matter how many times you fall… you always get up, reaching for your happiness, for what you believe in. Life is not fair, but you don’t care. People like you motivates me. I think I have never told you why I was in that Russian village where we met in the first place. I was hoping to find something… someone who could bring me back the passion for my work. I was getting so tired of people saying that it’s impossible for them to recover, that they don’t care. I didn’t want to work for people who don’t believe in life. And then I found you, Japanese boy in the middle of Russia… who didn’t have anything, but was ready to try. And only because of your story… of you, Yuuri I want to save lives. I want to see their happy faces. You can’t even imagine how much you gave to me. **Thank you.** Come here, boy.”_

I was standing there just listening and I couldn’t move my eyes from Simon even if he was not looking at me. When he suddenly wrapped his arm around my shoulders and **hugged me** , I thought that I am dreaming. What’s happening today? I can’t understand. Why people are telling me these beautiful words as if they were the truth as if I have done something. But I haven't done anything. Simon never spoke with me like that before. It was the first time he said so much and his words were strong. He is one of those people who doesn't talk in vain. If he says something, then it’s true. Can all of this be true? I helped someone to find themselves? I?

“We are almost the same age… I am not a boy.” I silently laughed, when Simon let me go after few moments. He smiled for me and for the third time in this day, something went through my heart. Something warm, but I still couldn’t find a name for it. “I am glad that you found me.” I finally said, turning my eyes away, feeling tired after all these emotions. Tired, but finally after all these days, I didn’t want just to run into my bed and don’t get up until morning.

“Yeah, me too.”

* * *

  **2023,**   **June 28.**

* * *

 

“I swear if that nurse is touching you somewhere where she doesn’t need to touch… I will… that face of her… damn it.” I entered the ward closing the door behind me. Every day she comes and does everything for Victor to avoid muscle atrophy. But she leaves his ward with that face like there would be something more than this. I just hate this. “Good morning, love.” I put my laptop away and kissed his cheek. I quickly looked under the blanket, like searching for any marks she could have left, but there was nothing. I am getting paranoid… maybe because she is allowed to touch my husband and I am not. I sat on the bed next to Victor and touched his hand with mine, pressing his fingers rubbing his soft skin with my thumb.

“So yesterday… after the lunch, we went to the ice castle. Shuusei also wanted to come and he asked me if he could try skating. Somehow I never thought about this before… another skater, huh? I mean, what else we could give to him, right? But I told him, that we will go there when you come back. So now he is waiting even more… you better wake up, Victor. I don’t want to break a promise for our son.” I lifted his hand and kissed his fingers, freezing for a second when bad memories again came back to my head about that day. Twenty-six days passed since then. For me, it feels like twenty-six years.

Victor’s face was pale but still beautiful like always. Every day, I ask him to wake up and every day I can’t lose the hope that he will finally hear my voice and open his eyes making this endless night finally end. Because the life without Victor, even with those wonderful people around me, was dark without stars in the sky. Every day I was saying different reasons why he must wake up and it was a list without end. For someone else, I may look like crazy talking with a person who doesn’t show any signs of life… but this was the purpose of my day. Talk with Victor, even if he can’t say anything back. I knew… one day I will reach his heart with my words.

I put the laptop on my knees and opened it. There was a rock inside my throat so I couldn’t say anything more. I just pressed the play button continuing to watch the video where we stopped watching yesterday.

 

_“I can’t believe that you decided to eat Katsudon on your wedding!” Yurio did the facepalm, sitting in front of Victor and Yuuri in the restaurant. The one who was filming everything was Phichit of course, next to him Seung-Gil and at the other side of the table Otabek. No one else._

_“Of course, how else. We still have time until our flight, right baby?” Victor took chopsticks into his hand ready to eat Katsudon as soon as they will bring it. Of course, maybe Katsudon in Spain is not that good as in Japan, he didn’t know, but Yuuri was looking at his husband with an honest smile, like looking after a child._

_“Sure thing, love.” Yuuri put his head on Victor’s shoulder and blushed a little bit when Victor kissed his forehead. It was obvious, none of them knew that Phichit is recording everything._

_“Oh God, no really… you are such dorks.” Yurio grabbed fried shrimp and sighed like he would be really tired after all this day looking how Victor and Yuuri are cuddling and being all lovely with each other. “After these two will go to their sexmoon, let’s go to a bar and drink. Phichit, what are you doing? Put that phone aside god damn it.” Beka nodded few times agreeing with Yurio suggestion, Seung-Gil shrugged._

_“Shh… It really important.” Phichit voice was silent behind the view, he even didn’t pay attention to Yurio who was rolling his eyes._

_“Sexmoon… what? Yuuri, what do you think about this? Twenty-four seven?” Victor laughed from the remake of “honeymoon” that Yurio made. Poor Yuuri next to him softly blushed, letting his eyes down and mumbling something that only Victor heard. After that, he just grabbed Yuuri’s face and kissed._

_“Gross! Seriously. My eyes will burn... out… All day non sto-“_

_“Oh oh, Katsudon!” Phichit laughed when the waitress brought two bowls of Katsudon, they didn’t look like the ones they were eating in Hatsetsu, but it’s the best they could get in Spain after all. When the plates were on the table, Yuuri also took chopsticks into his hand. “Wait wait, eat the first bite with your arms intertwined!” Phichit shouted._

_“Phichit, are you filming?” Suddenly Victor asked raising his brow, but still with a smile on his face. This day he just couldn’t stop smiling no matter what. Nobody and Nothing could have stopped his happiness._

_“Noooop. Just eat already.” Phichit urged them with his free hand. Yuuri was looking right at the camera, of course, he knew this Phichit tone too well._

_“Yuuri, look at me.” Victor touched Yuuri’s face with a free hand with another one already holding a piece of pork. After looking right into his husband’s eyes, Yuuri blushed even harder, but this time he also smiled._

_“I never stopped doing that…” Yuuri silently said leaning forward and taking a bite of pork from Victor’s chopsticks. The man with silver hair didn’t expect that. He opened the mouth from astonishment when Yuuri slowly moved back and licked his lips._

_“You understand that we are in the restaurant….?”_

_“I am aware of that.”_

_After Yuuri’s words, Victor suddenly grabbed on his husband’s tie and kissed him again, this time harder, leaning even forward, making Yuuri almost stretch his back. Phichit even jumped on his feet that he could get a better view._

_“I knew you were filming, god damn it! Give this phone!” Yuuri suddenly pushed Victor away and tried to take a phone from Phichit. Thai man screamed accidently letting his phone off his hands. After few second view turned black._

 

 

“Victor… how about me… eating Katsudon and becoming all chubby again. You wanted that, right? We wanted to eat it together for the rest of our lives… so why… Why?” Sometimes I get the feeling that I am watching all these videos and photos in order to hurt myself more, to feel pain. But it was the only one way to feel that Victor is still alive, here with me. Just this way I could see his smile and hear his voice. His voice… I would do anything to hear it. Even if he would be shouting at me. I don’t care. My ears hurt every day from the silence… for the fact that I am talking like this just to myself.

“I don’t… want... to eat Katsudon with someone else… it doesn’t even taste that good without you. Victor, I wonder if you can hear me… from there. Why… why… WHY YOU ARE NOT TALKING WITH ME??” I flinched from my own voice and got up from the bed. “Why… why… why…” with trembling hands I covered my face. Every day the same, I start crying. I think that I can;t handle anymore, but something makes me come back again and again. This silence is killing me, it kills me every day more and more. I am trying to say that I believe and I can, but I am pathetic, I don’t know if I believe myself. I don’t know if this makes sense. I closed the laptop and put in on the chair then quickly left the ward.

I was running all my way back home, not even turning around. I can’t believe that I am breaking down, day after day watching how he is breathing slowly without saying a word to me. This terrible chaos in my head one day is better, one day worse and that’s the reason why I can’t talk with anyone else, I am the one who is going insane. It’s true, it’s impossible to survive without another half, I can’t be myself anymore. I am just losing control and even if I have to try for Shuusei... but how? How? When… when I will be able to feel his comforting hands again… I don’t know why I feel so mad right now like Victor would be making fun of me, like his coma would be just a good act. God damn it, why I am even going to that hospital? I don’t need this… I don’t need pain anymore.

“Yuuri! Oh, thank you God, you are back. Do you know where Yurio or Otabek are? Yurio left his phone and it’s ringing nonstop, I think his grandpa is calling, but I don’t know a word in Russian.” I saw Phichit running towards me as soon as I entered the house. From running all the way my face was still red so he couldn’t see that I was crying again. At least this.

“They… they went to the ice castle.” I took a phone from Phichit hands and it started ringing again at the same moment. “I will bring it to them.” It’s better for me to stay alone for some time and I knew that neither Otabek nor Yurio are going to ask me what happened. Phichit’s look was already getting suspicious. Also, I didn’t want to meet Shuusei while I am still not stable, for him it was hardest because he was too young to understand what’s going on.

I tried to go as fast as I can. I could have answered the call, but I think it would be impossible for me to say something in Russian right now. The door opened and there was no one inside, Yuko must have gone somewhere for a second. I passed corridor and opened the door to the ice rink, but that was the moment I had to stop. Otabek and Yurio were on the ice, Otabek standing in the middle and Yurio in the end of the rink. First I couldn't understand what they are doing... just standing and watching at each other.

“If you don’t catch me, I will kill you,” Yurio said out loud. His strong voice reached all corners of this place, Otabek raised his thumb.

“I will catch you, babe.” He promised and I looked how Yurio started sliding faster and faster, then turning around on one leg and jumped the air. Otabek slid a little bit forward and easily caught that flying fairy. So easily as if Yurio would have been made from nothing. Like a feather. Yurio wrapped his hands around Otabek’s neck and started laughing, first of all just softly giggling and then it turned into an honest laugh. Laugh that was really rare for him… I could sense so much happiness and… love inside. I think Yurio couldn’t even understand himself how natural he looked right now. I wasn’t jealous of this moment… it just hurt a little bit that my other half can’t even smile for me.

“He-“ I started saying when the phone rang again. Both Otabek and Yurio turned their heads at me. Yurio quickly jumped down burning me with his eyes. It's just insane how he changes between personalities in few seconds.

“Do you even know how to knock??” While Otabek was standing with a totally calm face, Yurio got all color palette on his face.

“Your grandpa is calling…” I lifted my hand with phone and Yurio reacted faster than I thought, he quickly slid to the exit, put on protectors on the blades and took a phone from me.

“Dedushka, vse v poryadke?” (Grandpa, is everything alright?) he got off the rink, listening to his grandpa’s words. From his face, I understood that it’s not about his grandfather’s health. I turned around to go back, there was no point staying here. I can’t make myself to put on the skates.

“Hey, Yuuri… wait.” Otabek’s voice made stop. Oh no, will he tell something about what I saw? If he is afraid that I am going to tell this to Phichit, then nothing to worry about. I looked at this tall dark haired man in front of me. Otabek was smart and silent, more than that he was a really kind person. Ready to do anything to help… to be honest, all of my friends were like that. But somehow looking at Otabek it was the first thing that came to my mind.

“I should have knocked sorr-“

“What? No… did something happened to you?” That’s a good question, I have been asking myself this for so long. I could explain, but at the same time, I couldn’t.

“No, I am fine. Thank you.” I tried to smile, but I didn’t succeed. It was just impossible for his dark eyes to miss something. I could have gone now, but I didn’t. Just standing there looking at the ice. White ice, without any blue shade in it. I have been looking for blue color so hard and still, I can’t find the one I want to see.

 _“No… thank you.”_ This made me quickly look at Otabek, is he thanking for me? What? _“I mean… I think I have already said to you this once. But I feel like I have to repeat it… You are the reason why everything turned this way how it is now for me. I don’t want to imagine what mistake I could have done if not you and Victor who made Yura realize that we can also have another chance. So… even if you think that it’s nothing more just darkness right now around you… I could tell that maybe it’s true. But even in the darkness if you look very carefully, you may see the light. Good things around you happen all the time, they may not be connected to you directly, but they are happening because you exist. Because of what you have done. What we became because of you. How much this gave for everyone. It’s not just about you. It’s about everyone. And you are the part of this. So… **thank you** , Yuuri. I am glad to have such a friend as you and I am happy that Yura also has such friend. You don’t have to fight alone, alright? It’s hard to understand now, but… we are here. All of us.”_

Otabek suddenly **grabbed me and hugged** so hard that I felt like a huge teddy bear for him. The hug was short but warm. This took out the last air from my lungs. I quickly nodded for him, after these words which  made my heart beat so fast again. Maybe I just need… I just need someone to remind me this. Because Victor was the one who was always with me and I didn’t need words. But now… when he is gone… he is gone… he… is…

“I will see you later.” I turned around and ran out from the ice center, I reached the hospital faster than ever, even if the center was further than our home. When I opened Victor’s ward everything was the same how I left. My laptop was lying on the chair, even Victor’s hand was on the blanket like I have left it. Nobody stopped me from reaching him, hugging as strong as I could and crying. Crying. Crying. Crying so much that it could have awakened even the dead ones, but not him.

“I am sorry, baby… I am sorry, love. I won’t leave. I will wait with you, alright? No matter how much it takes. I will be here… always. It’s just sometimes so hard… that you are here, but at the same time not. I can’t Victor… I miss your voice so much… we had so little time together… it’s not fair… it’s just… not fair.” I couldn’t stop sobbing pressing my wet lips to his chin line. “But it’s not over… Victor, I promise. It’s not the end for us. It’s not… th-e… en-d.”

 

  
“Hey, Katsudon can I come in?” Yurio knocked to my bedroom door and I quickly walked towards them opened and left the room. Yurio stepped back.

“Sorry, Shuusei just fell asleep…” I explained my reaction to him, but it didn’t look like Yurio was surprised. Actually, he was the one who surprised me. He was wearing a leather jacket and under it his favorite hoodie. “Are you leaving?” It should have been said more like a fact but sounded like a question.

“Yeah, it seems that one of our cats had a fight and she is injured pretty badly since it’s my first cat… I feel like I should be there.” That explained a call from Yurio’s grandfather. I wish I could have said some words to calm him down, but I knew that for Yurio his cats’ means as much as for us Makkachin. Of course, he should go. “If you want Otabek can stay… I mean…”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I am sure he is also worried. I mean, even if it’s not about the cat… you have your own life. You can’t stay with me here forever… if-“

 _“Oh, pig you are sooo stupid, right? I can’t believe it.”_ Yurio rolled his eyes while I was waiting for an explanation. Am I wrong? _“If I or Otabek didn’t want to stay here, nobody would have made us, alright? Or even come when you called for us from Tokyo. We… are friends, right? I mean…”_ suddenly he got embarrassed and we both blushed at the same time. _“…we know each other for too long. Oh jeez Christ, just hold your shit back together, Yuuri, because if you break again or something I will never forgive you.”_ Yurio turned around and I suddenly **hugged him from behind** and closed my eyes, that way making Yurio almost scream. _“What the heeeelll?? Let me… go.”_ he flinched but didn’t move. Didn’t try to push me away or something. Yurio was one of those people who even didn’t have to say something for others to understand. Lots of things happened. _“Hey, Katsudon… Victor never gave up on you. And the fact that he let you in even without his memories, proves that. So you don’t have a right to give up on him, understood?”_ I nodded still keeping my eyes shut. I know. I won’t. _"And… **Thank you**.”_ This made me opened my eyes and Yurio stepped forward I let him go.

“For what…?” I asked when he was already outside, that made Yurio stop for a second.

“Victor is not the only one who was saved by you.” He raised his hand. “Do svidaniya, Katsudon.”(Goodbye, Katsudon) I swear from that second, ice started melting inside my chest and I closed the door smiling like an idiot.

* * *

  **2023, July 8.**

* * *

 

I carried sleeping Shuusei to my mother’s room and asked her to take care of him. It was really early in the morning, around seven, but my mom always wakes up around this hour because she needs to open the inn for the customers and do lots of preparation. I was not really a huge help here, but she didn’t complain me, even once. After that I walked outside, this day will be super hot, I already can sense it. I stopped next to the bench, checking if I have taken everything with myself when I heard someone walking out of the house.

“Seung-Gil? What are you doing so early here?” I watched how he walks towards me, still wearing something similar to sleeping pants, looking like someone as kicked him out from the bed. He rubbed his eyes and stretched arms yawning. “Don’t tell me Phichit kicked you out from the room?” I asked surprised because I couldn’t think of any other reason for him to come here.

“He saw through the window how you are leaving the house, so he woke me up and told me to give you a hug.” Seung-Gil is always straight forward and this thing was good about him. But after this sentence, I really didn’t know how to react.

 “Well… thank you… but… I am alright.” I tried to let everything down as if it was just a joke.  Poor Seung-Gil was woken up because of Phichit's crazy ideas. And it’s not even a question why Phichit is awake at an hour like this.

 “Then I will just sit here for a few minutes.” He sat on the bench and I did the same. Of course, I could have just gone, but now it would be strange to leave him like this all alone. We were sitting in silence for about a minute, Seung-Gil with his eyes closed, so I already started thinking that he will fall asleep.

 “Seu-“

 _“I am glad that you left Victor.”_ He suddenly said and I almost fell from the bench. I am sorry what? This was definitely the first time in my life when someone said that I did a good thing leaving Victor. He not talking in his sleep or something, right? _“Don’t get me wrong. I know that this caused a lot of trouble for you both later. But sometimes I think, that exactly because of this I met Phichit. Until then I knew him just as a skater and since I don’t really see a point talking to people and he loves talking… I didn’t know anything more about him. But when you left and Victor called for me, Phichit came to Korea that he could explain the whole situation… then I saw a different side of his. The side I didn’t have. The side I was missing. So I guess, **thank you** for doing your mistakes. We both have learned a lot from them.”_ Just now Seung-Gil opened his eyes and I was still sitting like a statue trying to convince myself that I am not dreaming this. This is the first time in my life I hear something like this. Well, Phichit said how they met each other, but not like this. I was sincerely without words. I just nodded few times and Seung stood up. He wanted to go back, but something made him freeze. Phichit was staring at us through the window. Actually, he was staring just at Seung-Gil. For me it was funny, but Seung-Gil suddenly turned around and **leaned forward to hug me**.

 “That’s… so awkward.” He said silently and then let me go.

 “Yeah… hmm… right.” I couldn’t tell how I feel about this. The feeling, it wasn’t bad, though. Seung-Gil turned around and walked back home, for one second I saw how Phichit is smiling. It’s really not bad. There was at least one really good thing that came out from the biggest mistake of my life. My heart calmed down in the chest.

 

 

“Good morning, maybe you will let me do this.” I opened the ward and saw the same nurse, she was just finished with doing all those exercises for Victor’s legs and arms, now she was getting ready to wash him. But no. I decided not to let anyone do this anymore. I know that I can’t take him home, but I can come here all the time and wash him myself. It’s enough for some random women to grab my husband.

 “Oooh… yes, sure.” She blinked few times. Didn’t look happy, but I was happy enough about my decision, she can go and tell to the whole world, that I don’t let do her job, but I know that I will still win the argument.

 “It’s enough for you to be touched by women, understood, Nikiforov? You are still mine.” I came closer where there was already a plastic basin full of warm water and few towels. I brought Victor’s favorite towel with Makkachin photo on it. It was a gift if I am not mistaken maybe from the last Christmas. Victor, of course, took this towel with himself when we were going to Tokyo. I leaned forward to kiss Victor’s head. “How about we start with shaving. I have never shaved anyone in my life, but I just can’t look at that beard. I will do my best.” I also took out the razor from my backpack and foam. Oh God, it actually feels harder than I thought it will be. The start was difficult, I was so afraid to cut his skin, so I was doing everything extremely slowly, but after finishing with one side, the result made me happy.

“Looking good, boo. Your hair also grows so fast… but to be honest, I don’t want to cut them.” I walked around the bed also taking care of another side of his face like a pro. “Thank you, my beloved Yuuri. You're welcome, Victor.” The person who would hear me for the first time definitely would think that I am going out of my mind. But it’s been more than month… to be exact. A month and six days. This became a part of my life. Talking with him for both of us. I didn’t feel like crazy… I was feeling like a person who tries to do anything to keep myself alive. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t painful. But only being together with him like this made me not to think about pain for some time.

Victor was still my heroine. And even this time with him… still made me feel like I was in some kind of ecstasy. But the time without him… at home... that was the time when I was going insane for real. If not Shuusei who kept me busy with his existence, I don’t know… I would be just sitting in the corner and waiting for another day to come when I can go visit him again. And Hatsetsu… my beloved city, which I knew the best, the city which had a special place in my heart. The city where we met each other… city with those streets that I could walk back and forward with my eyes closed. The city which I can’t leave without you… city… which actually means nothing to me, when you are not a part of it. Our story was frozen in time.

I dried his face, leaving kisses on his cheeks. I uncovered Victor until the waist and unbuttoned his shirt. I saw the place where the scar was, not because it was visible, just because I knew this body too well. It was strong, graceful, beautiful and mine… before. Now… Victor looked so powerless… but he was still mine. That can’t be changed. Just weaker… so… vulnerable. I wasn’t sure, have I washed Victor with water or with my tears. I guess with both. Thoughts inside my head were spinning like a tornado leaving just a confusion.

 “Victor… do you think our story is close to an end?”

 Just a little love in my heart or just a little light in this dark… I guess this could answer this question. For now, I feel like chained and only those chains keep me holding somehow from not falling apart. Those chains are something that Victor left before closing his eyes. His face in front of me, same as always, but it feels like it would be miles away from me… if only he could open eyes and break this lie. If only this sea that separates us from each other could dry. And… there is nothing I can do. Just be here… and cry. Trying to keep his portrait in my head. Now there are a lot of questions I couldn’t answer… for example, what is my happiness? For so long I lived believing that my happiness is Victor’s eyes, but I am so afraid that one day I will forget the real color of them… or Victor’s smile… but what if I won’t see him smiling ever again? Or his voice. The real voice, not in recorded audio. I guess, after all… a broken heart can’t be truly healed. It will always hurt thinking what I lost together with him. But I will keep coming here every day until those strangling chains become the death of me. This is our story… and nobody ever said that we are going to have a happy ending, right? Oh God… I am again having this anxiety attack… can’t be helped. I took his Victor’s hand and pressed his fingers to my lips. I think this is even harder than not seeing him at all.

* * *

  **2023, July 18.**

* * *

 

“Yuuuuuri!!!” I turned around and saw Phichit running towards me like a rocket I was just in time to open my arms and he was already hanging on my neck. He pressed me hard, like seeing for the last time. I swear, I became too sensitive to these things.

“Phichit, what happened? Is everything alright?” I quickly started asking, holding him and feeling how heart starts beating in the chest hard and irregularly.

“Yeah! Oh, sorry for scaring you!! I was writing this all night! I am so happy that I am in time to give you this before you left to the hospital.” Phichit let me go and gave me just one page and it wasn’t even fully filled. Was he writing this all night? “Please, read this together with Victor! I am not really good at telling speeches. So I just did what I could! Congrats, by the way!” He hugged me again and smiled. Congrats? What? I was trying to remember all days we are celebrating something, birthdays… but July 18 was just July 18. Nothing special about this.

“What? What is this? Fanfiction?” I watched at the paper in my hand, but Phichit covered words with his palms.

“Noooo!! Not alone. Together with Victor.” I didn’t have any idea, what he means by that, but I just nodded. Let it be. “Good! See you at lunch!” He turned around and started walking back home, but after few steps stopped and slowly turned around. _“Yuuri… have I ever said that you are my best friend? Honestly, the best one I ever had. Not because of fanfictions… it’s just you. My best friend, Yuuri Katsuki, from those times in Detroit. You were there for me and I am here for you now. **Thank you** , friend.”_

He smiled at me widely and that second something cracked inside me. It was the last part of me. I felt how I am falling apart fast. And that made me realize so many things about everything. Something that I haven’t seen before. Until now. Something that I was too dumb to understand. I quickly started running towards the hospital, passed through that annoying nurse not even saying hello to her and opened the ward's door.

 

“Victor! Victor…” I came to his bed, still catching air and trying to speak at the same time. I grabbed on the table next to his bed with one hand and with another. On Victor’s hand under the blanket. “Vic-tor… it’s… it’s… not our story… it’s not.” I grabbed his hand harder and started crying out loud, the pain in the chest was too much to handle. “It never was… this… this story was for others… for our friends to find happiness. We were always in this pain, but this way creating something good for others. Don’t you understand, Victor? Alexey and Ana found out what it means to have a family, Simon found again his motivation, Otabek and Yurio got back together… Seung-Gil met Phichit… We saved child… you understand? Our pain… our pain was not in vain, Victor. It was not in vain. We… we helped to unbreak so many hearts… we made others happy.” I cried without stop, holding his hand on my chest with my eyes closed. Maybe I didn’t pronounce all these words correctly, but every second it hurt more and more. “We are not broken… Victor… we are not broken.” I sighed from such strong relief that I have never felt in my life before. I kneeled on the floor, still holding on his fingers and pressing my forehead to the edge of the bed.

“Victor… please… come back and bring that smile again… only you can take my tears away, come back and say that I am right… I need your arms to hold me so much right now. I really need this. The most I need you to say… that you love me, erase everything I don’t want to feel anymore. I just want to be happy with you, eat Katsudon, skate, look how Shuusei is growing up and just live… grow old. Just you beside me… Only… only your kiss could take this pain away… And I hope you know… that I can't live without you. I am again... asking too much, right?” I slowly got up and looked at his calm face, my legs were trembling so much that I had to hold on the bed. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. It was like kissing the ice, even his lips were cold and a little bit cracked, but I still held them long enough, trying to feel the taste. Like miracle could happen because I finally understood how much this life means not just for me, but also for others.

 

But…

 

I think I left balsam for lips somewhere here the other day. I slowly moved from Victor and opened locker not far away from the bed. It’s okay, Yuuri… there will be tomorrow and other days… and another… and another… next month, next year… then why this pain from my chest is not gone and I can’t stop these tears?

“You know what day is it today?” the silent whisper in my head made me freeze. What day is it? I don’t… know… why I am asking myself this.

“Eighteen of July…” I repeated the date out loud like that would make sense. But it didn’t. Wait. WHAT?

I turned my head so fast that my neck even cracked, Victor was lying in the bed with opened eyes, looking right at me. It was so sudden… that beautiful color of indigo was again in front of me. Here it is, I found it. I found it. He just came back from nowhere reached me again, just with his eyes and now I was sure – stars will come back to the sky at night. My heart was squeezed in the chest all this time, but just with his opened eyes, Victor was able to take off that pain and bring my life back together.

“No…” his lips moved just a little bit, but those words were coming more from inside of his heart. “It’s the day… when… you came back… to me.” I couldn’t even call this a voice, I don’t know how I understood what he is saying. I just did. With my ears, heart, soul… with everything he just put back from pieces. I covered my mouth with palm.

“You… heard everything I was talking to you… all this time?” I leaned forward just trying to make sure, that what I see is the reality. That it’s not my imagination.

Victor didn’t answer, he closed his eyes and opened them again. Then his lips trembled and I saw the most beautiful thing in this world – his smile. This was the feeling I need to raise up again. Everything and even more.

 

That second my heart was unbroken.

 

 

_Yuuri & Victor,_

_That heart just had to be broken. It was necessary… this reduction… turning it into pieces and small almost invisible fragments that later,  because of them, you could truly understand who you are. All of you. All of him. Even if this path was long and tiring… Not only two of you… but we all together, we were putting back those pieces together, finding them new places in your chest… places for new people, for new feelings, for new pain, for new happiness, new home, new hope. It was a long way, but it doesn’t mean that it has ended. By putting all those pieces again you were building a new heart. A heart you were truly waiting for. You both. And it started today._

_Two years ago._

_You have done more than enough and maybe today is the day when it comes back.  Maybe._

_After all… Only you know this. It’s yours._

_**Unbroken Heart.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT. PLEASE READ T_T
> 
> So I got this message on tumblr last week asking if after the end of Bhind us, I could write domestic one-shots about Victuuri life in the future. Like their kids going to school for the first time or Victor actually passing his Japanese exam, how Victuuri has adopted other children and sooo on. Shortly saying... any kind of domestic and not angsty one-shots about their life. I can't promise that they will be long, but I can write them after I finish this main part. So my question would be, who would be willing to read these?
> 
> Alright, now I about this chapter.  
> Man... the main chapter of these series. I don't know how to react. It was hard, to be honest. But I tried so much, to put all pieces back together... that I could make this work complete. I think I have died and woken up again while writing this, I had to stop and start again and the struggle is real. But oh my cute baby, you have been born and I am so thankful T_T *pat pat* Now I can cry all night and then think about all those fluffy chapters aaand about the Alternate ending. Why it feels so hard to click publish? I don't know... TT_TT  
> Hey, everyone, thank you for reading... I love you so much.  
> Feels.


	24. Chapter 64. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, loves <3
> 
> (smth I am crying inside thinking that it's just a few times left for me to say "Hey" in this fic for you. Ok ok. I am fine)
> 
> Anyway, thank you so much for your comments on the last chapter! Then I won't set these series as complete for now! I promise to give you one-shots about their life <3 so I have few ideas already, but if you have something you would like to read about them just tell me and I will put this on the list <3 Thank you <3  
> Next chapter will be from Victor's POV, already in Saint Petersburg <3
> 
> Hooray! ^^ 
> 
> With lots of love,  
> Vitavili
> 
> P.s. sorry, chapters of this fic and of Mafia AU will be coming out slowly because I am graduating uni and I have tons of work to do TT_TT Still, I am writing whenever I have free time, be sure! I am not gone!  
>  ~~P.p.s. Yesterday I got an idea to write a Titanic AU :') And I will do this. :')) I am so evil. Victor will be Jack of course. Sooo...~~

The feeling was new, but I felt like it was the one, I was looking for so long. That’s it. I couldn’t use the word “end”, but it was something near to this. It’s like I have been completed. Like all of my parts, which I tried to collect from that moment when I fell in 2018, finally, would have been placed where they belong. It was a happy and sad moment, but the most important of all – that my pain was over, it didn’t hurt anyone, anywhere…. I wasn’t healed. I was never broken, that’s the truth.

“Yu… Yuuri…” Victor’s voice was so close to me, the one I have been dreaming about for more than a month. I begged for him to return and now I am crying with my face covered. I should do something more than this, but I can’t stop this hard sobbing which is coming from my new heart. I don’t even know why it feels so good to cry. I shook my head and then nodded few times. When he tried to let a sound again I looked at him and couldn’t hold back anymore.

“Victor!” I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pressing my cheek to his. I kissed his ear one time and another, happiness inside me was spreading too fast and I really wanted to laugh, like I would have woken up from a terrible nightmare. “If I knew that my Prince is going to wake up from a kiss on his lips, I would have kissed you long ago…” I softly said into his ear and sighed from relief. I even didn’t care anymore what he remembers and what not, for me he could even think that now we are living in another century.

“We… need…” he tried to talk again, obviously it was still hard for him to put all his thoughts together, how they should be, especially to speak not in his mother language. But who cares about the language? He can speak in Russian for me, it doesn't matter.

“We just need to be together… that’s it.” I moved my head and looked right into his eyes. They were so close and the color of them was so beautiful, so pure. I don’t think that Victor realizes how it’s easy to fall in love with that ocean in his eyes, over and over again. I missed his eyes so badly, that I could stare at them all day. Now they looked sleepy… oh wait, I can’t let him fall asleep! “I will call the nurse, love, okay? Just wait for a bit…" I kissed his forehead and quickly ran from the ward, totally forgetting about the call button that actually I could have used not even moving from the spot. But because of all those emotions inside me, I just wanted to scream for the whole world how happy I am. Again, like a boy.

That was a mistake, they didn’t let me go inside again. Doctors left me behind the door and said to come back after few hours. Like I could do that. I literally couldn’t move more than three steps from the door. Nobody could have made me go back when I could finally be with him and I knew that Victor needs me. Of course, he needs, how else. I was with him all days and I woke him up. I wonder what he was trying to say back then… If Victor remembered the date I came back to him that means he must have remembered at least until the end of June of 2021… if that’s true, then all those few percents, that Victor can get his memories back, which doctor gave me in Tokyo just came true. Those doctors could just do their job faster.

I quickly took my phone out.

 **Message:** _Phichit_ 9:13 a.m. JST  
Victor woke up!!!

 **Message:** _Victuuri Uke_ 9:15 a.m. JST  
WHAT? Oh, my GOD! Ahbshjbdbhdhd!!! I am so happy! We are so drinking tonight!!!

Drinking? Oh no… Drunk Phichit. If they let me, I would like to stay in the hospital, but then Shuusei will be alone. Of course, I could ask my mother to take care of him this night. I was still looking at my phone and smiling like an idiot. Maybe it would have been a good chance to write a message for everyone, but I don’t think that there was a need. Phichit must be sending this news worldwide right now.

 **Message:** _Yuuri <3_ 3:30 a.m. MSK  
Yuuri!!! I told you that he is going to wake up!!! Love you!! Alexey is also sending greetings <3

Yeah, as I thought, Phichit will wake up the whole world for this. I tried not to think what could be the other reason why Ana doesn’t sleep at this time.

  
I was sitting next to Victor’s bed and looking how he sleeps. This time really just sleeps. It sounds strange, that he felt tired after sleeping so much, but at the same time normal because his whole body was weak and the doctor said, that Victor needs some time until he fully recovers. The most important things are not to rush him do anything and not to ask too many questions, otherwise, it might cause stress. All in all, the doctor was really positive about his condition. I think when finally happiness comes, there is no way that bad things would find their way through it. I knew I have to be patient but to be honest, I couldn’t wait until that moment when we come back home… and start everything from we left off, but this time together with Shuusei… I hope he will like Saint Petersburg. We both will give him the family he deserved at least we will try to do our best, I was sure of it. I reached for Victor's hair and gently rubbed them if he keeps this length we are going to match with hairstyles. With a smile on my face, I leaned took his hand and pressed his fingers to my lips. Every day, for more than a month I am doing the same. Kissing his hands, that way trying to give my strengths to him, hoping that he feels my warmth. I am happy that this worked. That means that everything is real, I am not mistaken.

“Hey...” this wonderful sound from his lips reached me and Victor moved his index finger to touch my lips. The feeling was so much better than the last time he did this because now he wasn’t trying to touch me and prove that he is alive. He was showing that he really feels me. “You… are crying…” this wasn’t a question, more like a fact. Yes, I was crying again, but just from happiness, nothing more than this.

“Sorry…” I pressed his palm to my cheek and then looked at Victor’s face. His voice sounded a little bit better, but he still was too pale for my eyes. “I am just happy… I missed you so much.” I spoke silently to him, more like whispering, then leaned a little bit down and now my face was closer to his.

“I couldn’t… wake up. I was trying… I was…-“

“I know, love… I know. But you are here, that’s the most important. Did my voice reached you?” I asked and leaned actually until my forehead touched his shoulder. I wanted to lay next to him so badly, I needed to feel his arms around me. Just this.

“Yes… sometimes…. I heard how you were crying… and how you said that you love me… and… Yuuri. I really wanted to come back. But you were so… far away… and…” while listening to his words I was half nodding half shaking my head, Victor doesn’t need to end this sentence, I know that he wanted to come back. I already told him, that I know and this warmth, his voice that is coming from him now it’s more than enough. “… and I didn’t deserve to come back… that’s why…-“

“What? What did you say?” For one second I even thought that I just misunderstood something. That made me lift my head and look at Victor, but he wasn’t looking at me. No… I can’t let him feel this way. Why it’s not a time for this at all. “Victor, I am not ma-“

“I know. I know… I also know that it’s not my fault what happened… it’s just… I couldn’t believe... all those things… I have said and did. It… was like a trap inside my head and I couldn’t go out… it was so dark… and I was afrai-“

“Victor.” I grabbed his face and made him look at me. Now he couldn’t turn away his eyes, how can he even think of turning them away after all this time? And this just didn’t suit him at all. “You love me?” after my question he blinked few times and looked surprised like I would have asked him about some hard mathematical theorem.

“Yes.” After few seconds I got my answer. The one I wanted.

“You want to be with me?” I asked another one.

“I don-“

“Just answer to me.”

“Yes.”

“Do you need me?”

“Yuu-“

“Do you need me, Victor?”

“Yes… yes, I need you. But-“

“That’s it. There is no but. I have enough of this word in my life. Every time we use this word, something happens. No more. The only thing why I am a little bit mad is because it took you so long to forgive yourself. I was waiting here, you know? I was so lonely…” I softly pressed my forehead to his again, happy about those answers I heard, my heart was so calm in the chest. Because I knew that Victor is not like me, he won’t be running around in panic or deep depression thinking what he has done, he woke up, because I wasn’t the only one who found answers to every question, he also did the same.

“I am sorry…” he reached for me and our lips met, finally. I pressed his face between my palms and kissed him hard, putting all those emotions I was holding inside me at this moment. I wanted Victor to feel how happy I am and forget, just leave behind all those things that happened. It doesn’t matter now. It was a lesson for him and for me. Maybe we didn’t deserve it, but we lived through it and now we came back together even stronger. After this, I don’t think I will ever be afraid of any challenge in my life. Challenges are also like a gift from life, tearing us down and then giving an opportunity to become even better, rising from the ground. The best part of it that we don’t have to do it alone. People around us helped…. And we helped them to save our love.

“There is one more thing…” he said not letting my lips go, so I felt how hot air from his mouth goes inside me. Feels so good. With the tip of my tongue, I licked his dry lips, what… can be more. I know what I would like to do more. But of course, that will have to wait. “Where are our rings, Yuuri?” he asked and I quickly opened my eyes. Right… rings. I have been carrying them inside my pocket every day. Close to myself.

“Here…” I said and even without any invitation, just removed my shoes getting into bed next to Victor. I laid my head on his shoulder and took out our rings. All four of them. It’s been a long time since I have put them on… Victor even longer. Even if I couldn’t see his face I knew that Victor is looking at them now. Maybe again thinking about something that he shouldn’t have done.

I took his right hand into mine. I can’t even count how many times I have kissed these fingers and every day I was feeling that something is missing on them. After that day when Victor took off rings in the hospital until today, I know that he was also missing something, he just couldn’t understand what. First of all, I started putting on the wedding ring, gold and engraved, I wonder why my hands were a little bit trembling.

“There is no doubt that I have been completely and utterly fallen for you since the day we met… I love everything you do… and everything you say, everything you are. For almost seven years you are my first thought in the morning and the last thought before I fall asleep. No matter where I will be… no matter what will happen this won’t change. You will always be my only one true love, Victor. I just love you with all my soul and heart… until the last part of my body. I want you to know that, and you can forget everything even your name, but you are not allowed to forget this ever again.” With my last word, I put the engagement ring on top of the gold one, this way I sealed my words. Now he won’t be able to break them, nobody will. I didn’t think too much what I was saying, I let my feelings speak for myself. Rings on Victor’s hand looked beautiful, right where they had to be. I felt how he moves his head a little bit and presses his lips to my forehead. I turned my head more to his side with a smile and our fingers entwined, I pressed his harder. Even if Victor couldn’t show all of his emotions now, I perfectly felt how much this means to him. Finally.

“It reminds me…” he spoke again just after a few minutes of this cozy silence. It was already getting dark outside, I have been waiting all day for him to wake up. Of course, it was nothing after a whole month. “…of that day in the hospital when I asked you to marry me. To be honest… that was a really strange place for proposal… so I was planning to do this again, on our anniversary this year… but I guess hospitals are just a place for us to get things done.” I don’t know why I silently started giggling after his words, maybe because everything has already passed. Victor let go of my hand and showed me an opened palm, I put my rings into his hands. I have been waiting for this moment so long… but I can’t let myself cry again.

“You know how you call a person with whom you have an inexplicable connection? The connection so strong that is drawing you to him in a way that you never expected before? And no matter what you are feeling at that moment, this connection can’t be changed… you will always feel that emptiness and the need to be around him. Even if you try to deny it yourself. That person who understands you in every way, in every level no matter how crazy things can get… and he forgives you for everything, even for those things you haven’t done yet. He feels you more than you feel yourself… and he never gives up. You know how I call you, Yuuri?” Victor put rings on my fingers without any pauses and now was holding my hand hard just murmuring those words and asking me a question to which I answer I think I knew… that one word was so close, but I still was searching for it. I wanted to hear it from Victor. “A soulmate. Thank you, Yuuri.” I knew it… I just knew it, that in the end, I wouldn’t be able to hold back my cries. I turned on my side and hugged him hard, feeling how Victor also slowly hugs me. That’s the words I wanted to hear. And that’s the real, the only one hug where I feel safe. Where I belong.

“Welcome back, love.”

* * *

 

 

“You know, babe… I love you and all… but you could eat yourself…” I smiled when Victor opened his mouth waiting for me to put a spoon with pudding into his mouth. It wasn’t hard for me to do this, I mean I was even enjoying feeding him like a huge baby. But I think Victor was a little bit too extra at this point.

“Where is fun in that?” He was sitting in the bed and after his words opened mouth again. Before giving what he wants, I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to kiss his cheek. Victor smiled and suddenly grabbed me with his hands. Pudding almost fell from my hands. “I can’t wait to come back today home and love you all the night…” he whispered into my ear and heat ran down my spine just from this thought. Yes, I have been thinking about this, to be honest counting the days. Finally, after a week, doctors agreed that has almost fully recovered. Victor was still a little bit weaker than before, but it was time for him to get up from this bed, not just to walk around the ward. We can finally go home. I blushed a little bit, can’t be helped, only Victor’s voice can make me feel this way.

“Vityaaa!!!” We both flinched when suddenly the door has opened and Shuusei ran into the ward. He came with Phichit who was more than happy after seeing this view, I still can’t understand this grin on his face sometimes. It seems that he is always thinking about something… bad. “Pudding!” Shuusei ran to me and I took him with one hand, lifted that he could climb on the bed. Of course, he found his way to sit next to Victor.

“Want pudding? Take it, just hold with both hands.” I gave Shuusei to hold the cruet and Victor took from me the spoon. “Victor will help you to eat it.” But to be honest I could already imagine how Victor still eats half of this by himself. Shuusei happily leaned more to Victor.

“Or maybe you will give me a bit…” Victor asked with his free hand softly rubbing Shuusei's cheek, it like always was covered in chocolate. It’s dangerous to leave him with Phichit, but these days it can't be helped.

“Nooooo….” Shuusei answered making the later into a long one. I tried not to start laughing, these both… once they start doing something together, I feel like in a kindergarten, last time Victor had to share his last gummy bear with Shuusei and I swear for one second I almost saw the pain in his eyes.

“Yuuuuri…” Victor gave me that serious look, while Shuusei was trying to catch with his mouth the spoon, for now, it was too high for him to reach, so he was just staring at it with those big bright eyes. He will drop that cruet with pudding soon if this continues. Oh right…

“Phichit, can we talk for a bit?” I stood up and grabbed his hand before he has taken more photos, then dragged him out from the ward. After that beautiful letter he wrote for me and Victor, I couldn’t be mad when he was taking all those photos with me and Victor or with Shuusei. I wanted to burn his phone, but at the same time, I had to hold those feelings back.

“What is it Yuuri?” he smiled like a devil when I closed the door. That sound. Yeah, Shuusei has dropped pudding from his hands. “Oh, wait I know…. You want me to take care of Shuusei tonight, right?” he started giggling and I blushed. I swear… I don’t have any idea how he just knows things.

“I… Yeah… How…”

“Do you think I am without any experience? You have been eating Victor with your eyes since-“

“Okay! That’s enough.” I covered his mouth with a palm when one of the doctors passed through us. He nodded for us and we did the same, Phichit with his mouth still covered.

“Sure, don’t worry. He will sleep with me like an angel!” he grabbed my hand and pushed it away, but didn’t let go. I didn’t want to imagine Shuusei sleeping with Phichit. He will be squeezing my son like a toy, but tonight it can’t be helped. “By the way, do you have tickets to Saint Petersburg already?”

“Oh… yes, next week! Sorry, forgot to tell you. How about you? You can stay here if you want.” I let Phichit’s hand and took out my phone searching for the tickets in my e-mail. Right, next week we are going back home, at last. Inside I was feeling really excited to see Shuusei’s reaction of his new home, he was already used to Hatsetsu and our home here, but we have few places. Also in Osaka, but that one will have to wait, though. Or we will have to sell it.

“Naaah, we are also going back to Korea, I am already tired of listening how Seung cries every night how much he misses the dog… and my hamsters, they must be lonely. So you know… stuff.” I couldn’t imagine Seung-Gil crying, I really tried for a second, but I couldn’t. It’s not possible. “Okay, I am going back then, knock before entering the room!” he waved for me and smirked and I was just standing there with blushed cheeks. Damn… Phichit.

  
Our plan just didn’t work out. No matter how we asked, Shuusei just didn’t want to sleep in Phichit’s room or even with my mother. Since it was our first day together he wanted to sleep just with us in the same bed. Nor chocolate, nor bunny ears even if we said that he can take Makka with himself - nothing helped. Shuusei wrapped his both hands around Victor’s leg and shook his head as we were about to abandon him. Couldn’t be helped, four of us (if we count Makkachin) ended up in the same bed.

“Yuuri… what we are going to do?” Victor asked when we were brushing our teeth in the bathroom and I shrugged. What what… of course, we are going to sleep. I wasn’t mad at Shuusei, I loved him too much. But to be honest, those numbers inside my head were killing me… Now when Victor got his memories back, if we count since last time we made love before everything… it has been… oh God… I don’t even know… maybe the beginning of April? Because of that stupid thing I made up about not having sex until Victor passes his Japanese exam. I closed my eyes and sighed. It’s okay… I have waited for so long, I can wait one night more.

“V-ictor…” I almost flinched when I felt his arms on my abs. He was standing behind me. Without any shame slowly putting his fingers under my underwear. The bathroom door was opened, so I quickly looked into the mirror, Shuusei was sitting in bed talking something to Makkachin in his own child's language. “Stop… he will see us.” I whispered grabbing on his hands and not letting them go further, of course, I was already too late because my body wanted different things.

“But you are already har-“

“Yuuullliii…” voice from bedroom reached me and I quickly moved from Victor, giving him to hold my toothbrush. I can’t offer him anything more tonight. Even if I am crying myself inside at the moment. I put on my sleeping pants and then went to the bedroom.

“What baby, let’s go sleep… Victor, turn off the light before coming to bed… please.” I added the last word because Victor was looking at me like I just did some kind of a crime. I want them both to be happy! But it’s obvious that I can’t do anything. And I am really sorry, that poor baby it’s now a priority. Damn it… I want Victor too much, this night will be hard, I don't even know if I will be able to sleep at all. I laid on my side and Shuusei found a place in the middle, he even had his small pillow. Victor came after turning off the light, he leaned to kiss Shuusei on the cheek and then me.

“Let’s go… to your old bedroom after he falls asleep.” His voice laid on my ear so quietly that I even thought that it might be just my imagination, but then I felt Victor’s smile on my skin and the wave of strange pleasure ran down through not just my spine, but the whole body. He laid back to his side and I was staring at the ceiling with opened eyes wide, trying to count how long does it take for Shuusei to fall asleep. The boy next to me was looking at Victor, following his moves with eyes and then quickly grabbed my hand.

“Yuuli sleeps with me.” he said quietly. I already got used that he can be really protective, but it’s just because I didn’t spend a lot of time at home, so of course, he wanted all attention just for himself, now when my other huge baby is here it can get a little bit complicated sometimes.

“But you will share him with me?” Even if Victor was smiling I could imagine what’s going on inside his head. Victor is not used to sharing with me with someone and now he is forced to do this. Before the accident on the ice, he was still not quite real himself and we didn’t have such need to have sex. And now when my husband has fully recovered, I am sure this was killing him. I mean, if he is even ready to share me.

“No.” Such direct answer made me laugh, I hugged Shuusei, pressing him to my chest while looking at Victor’s frozen face. Because of this, it was even harder to hold back from laughing, he looked like somebody has slapped him in the face. We will need to talk about this.

When Shuusei hugged me with his both arms I reached Victor’s face with my hand, placing palm on his cheek. Victor kissed it and then slowly took two of my fingers inside his mouth. I almost gasped and tried to take my hand back, but he grabbed my wrist. I shook my head, letting him know that he should stop doing that, but of course, it never works for Victor. With his hot tongue, making my fingers wet he looked me right into the face. I swear I could almost hear how my heart starts beating in the chest, the sound was too strong and fast. I pressed my lips and closed eyes, but it got even worse because now there were just feelings. The Hot current went through all my arm. I touched Victor’s lower lip with my thumb and he sighed. THAT’S IT! I can’t wait anymore. I can’t.

Shuusei was already too sleepy to open his eyes, when I softly moved his arms from me, instead of this giving a pillow, I tried not to touch him with my wet fingers, which were slippery from Victor’s saliva. Once I got up from the bed I took them into my mouth and licked, that taste was good. My husband was already next to me, he grabbed my arm and quickly started dragging from the room.

“Waaait, you need to put some pants on and shirt,” I said with my lips, making him stop in the middle of the room. Victor shook his head, of course having a different opinion, but he can’t go out just with boxers and that erection inside them.  
I rolled my eyes, we need to pass through all main house and there is a high possibility that Phichit can be stalking somewhere not even talking about my parents, my dad at night times sometimes goes to the kitchen for a glass of water. We were fighting just with eyes, for a long 10 seconds and finally, Victor gave up. As soon as he released my hand I fast but quietly walked to the chair with clean clothes on it. It would be too risky trying open that wardrobe right now. I grabbed two pairs of shirts and pants then returned to Victor and we walked to the corridor. Victor suddenly hugged me and I dropped all those clothes from my hands. Oh God... his lips on my neck and hands… I closed my eyes from pleasure.

“Yuuulii…” the voice reached me before closed the door. Damn it. Victor had to let me go, but he was looking at me with that face saying that I mustn’t go. It’s not that simple! I raised my index finger showing him to stay here and walked back to the room. Makkachin has taken my place on the bed, and now Shuusei was hugging him. Probably he said my name when the bed moved. I checked just in case, but now when I was sure that Shuusei is really sleeping I couldn’t stop myself from running back to the corridor. When I was out of the room and closed the door, turned around, looked at Victor, he was already with his clothes on, holding a shirt which I took for myself… but you know…

“Fuck this.” One second and I was already on Victor, hugging his waist with my legs. He grabbed me and started kissing hard, putting his tongue in my mouth and sucking my tongue, I silently moaned. “Take this off, take this off…” I begged. he bumped with his back to the wall when I almost started ripping off his shirt that took him so much effort to put on. Suddenly we both froze – I holding my hands on Victor’s abs and him squeezing my butt when - we heard a silent sound behind the wall. Shit, we need to go from here. Victor started going backwards and I placed my lips on his neck took a little bit of his skin between them and sucked it.

“Yuuri…” he silently sighed into my ear and we both at the same time turned our faces and started kissing again. Now he turned around and pressed my back to the door, I tried to search for the handle with my hand, but Victor’s tongue inside my mouth didn’t let me get focused on that, he had to help me open the door and when we were outside, kissing like the end of the world would be coming after ten minutes, it was clear that we can’t hold it back until the room. The feeling was the same as if I would be drunk, my head was spinning so fast and I couldn’t think about anything clear. I wanted Victor now and here, it was the only thing I knew.

I don’t know how we got behind our house, but when I felt the grass touching my naked back I silently moaned. Even if it was the middle of the summer, chills ran down my spine at the point that I almost stretched my back, that way pressing all other parts closer to Victor. Hurry… hurry…. I couldn’t let any word out, just lifted my hips more when Victor pulled down my pants, I tried to get rid of them as fast as I could at the same time pulling Victor’s pants and underwear down with both hands.

“Wh-at… what’s that?” I asked breathing fast and irregularly, feeling Victor’s lips all over my face and neck, but that sweet smell just came from nowhere. “Did… did you take a lube with yourself???” I even didn’t think of that, but Victor on this case was always one step forward than I was, the answer to my question was not even needed, Victor silently giggled when I gasped from this sudden tense inside me when he put two of his fingers. The only thing strange about this lube that it had that cherry scent and I wasn’t sure that I want to feel like cherry. With his free hand, Victor’s grabbed my chin and put his tongue inside my mouth again. I was moaning right into his mouth at the same time, moving my hips, trying to find a better position.

“Shhh… love… I know you want to be scream because it feels good…” I guess my moans became so loud, that even kissing couldn't stop them. I also know that it feels good, actually, it’s not even a right word. It feels great, Amazing. I feel complete. I want more. His fingers inside me feel like a drug.

“More, Vi-ctor… mo-re…” I begged for him and I knew, that Victor won’t be able to say no. I don’t care who might hear us. It doesn’t matter right now. My brains couldn’t think about the time after this, just about upcoming pleasure. Victor pulled out his fingers from inside me and started entering me, slowly… but that’s not... that’s not what I need... I suddenly pressed Victor’s body with my legs.

“Yuuri!’ Victor shouted and I covered his mouth with my palm as fast as I could, of course, it was already too late. My other hand was already between my lips, I bit my fist hard and let all my scream inside it, tears was another thing, but it was a natural reaction so I just let them ran down my face. He is so deep… “Are you alright…?” Victor sighed after a few seconds and I nodded… just…

“Wai-t… Some-thing… so-mething… is in… my but-t…” I silently moaned because that stabbing pain was a little bit too much to handle. I could bare with my hurting back, but not with this.

“Huh? That’s probably my di-“

“Nooo… it’s…damn…” I bit my fist even harder and Victor placed his hand under my butt and a few seconds later the pain was gone. He was holding a small stone, maybe a size of a nail. Oh. That what it was… Victor used my pants like a mat under me.

“Better? I would never share this butt with anyone.” He silently laughed leaning again on me and I joined him with this. Like I would ever give it to anyone else. “Can I move?” he asked and I nodded kissing his ear. Because Victor was already inside me, that impatience I had before, now was gone. Victor was where he belongs… now everything is okay. I can feel his care and emotions. It’s the same… my love. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed him harder then nodded again. Give yourself to me. Victor started moving slowly, thrusting deep inside me and I didn’t even try to hold back my voice, I was kissing his shoulder, leaving marks and tasting the skin. Loud, but unclear sounds were soon replaced by his name, I was calling him at the same time melting from Victor’s sweet voice next to my ear… he was saying everything I wanted to hear, it was worth waiting for these words. He needs me. He loves. He wants me. I repeated his name over and over again, like a blessing song until we both became one.

 

“Victor… I wanted to ask… something…” we were already lying in the bed, in my old bedroom and my back was itching so I had to lay on my stomach, for that I choose to lay on Victor. I put my chin on his chest waiting for him to give me attention. Victor was lying with his eyes closed, but I knew that he is not sleeping. He opened eyes and gently rubbed my hair with one hand, with another one slid down my back. Honestly, I can’t even explain very clearly how we ended up here, I guess Victor had to carry me.

“What?” he asked because I was still looking into his eyes and not saying anything. “Baby… what is?” from my hair, he placed a thumb on my lower lip and pressed it a little bit. As I was holding my head on Victor’s chest I could feel how his heart started beating faster. But it wasn’t like I wanted to say something bad… I was just a little bit curious.

“That… nurse… in the hospital… she did something to you?” Victor told me before that he couldn’t see anything, just hear sometimes things that were going on around, but I was just wondering… “She always had that strange look on her face after leaving your ward,” I explained my words, but I could read from Victor’s face that he doesn’t understand what I am talking about. Maybe it’s just my imagination, nevermind then. I pressed my face to Victor’s skin and sighed. I couldn’t help myself just feel a little bit irritated about this thing.

“No one… love, just you can touch me.” he finally replied and I nodded. But because he doesn’t remember that doesn’t prove anything. I will need to wash all his body three times just in case, or better four. Victor is mine, he was always mine. “That tickles...” he giggled with sleepy voice when I breathed out hot air into his skin.

“I won’t let you go…. Into the park alone never again.” This promise I said more to myself than for him. In general, I won’t let him go anywhere alone. Now it will be impossible to separate us.

“Park? Why the park?” Victor’s voice got surprised as he kissed my hair and I smiled. Yes, it must be really childish, but I mean… after all, that happened… I wanted to be safe.

“Well… when the earthquake started you were in the park right…? So just in case.” I touched Victor’s sides with my both hands and slid down until his thighs. I was trying to say everything with a soft voice, but Victor haven’t answer anything, he even strangely got too quiet. “Victor?” I lifted my head and saw that he is looking at me with eyes made of glass. That scared me a bit. “What is it? Does it hurt somewhere?” Oh no, after all… I still got that anxiety that Victor’s head might start hurting again. Nobody could say clearly that everything is over, I just had to believe.

“It’s… just… I actually wasn’t in the park when the earthquake started.” He started speaking slowly and that made me raise my head a little bit more. No? Where was he then? From Victor’s face, I could guess that he was still thinking should he say everything to me or not. Spit that out. It can’t get worse. “I was… in the sex toy shop buying handcuffs.” He finished sentence really fast, like this way he could get out without any consequences. Now I was the one who froze. What? Sex toys? Shop? I slowly rolled down on the bed.

“You mean…” something got into my throat and I couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Yuuri, love… how could I know that the earthquake will start and that it will be so strong…? It just hit out of nowhere… one second and ceiling was already falling on me… and-“

“You mean…” I even didn’t clearly hear what he was trying to say or explain. I mean, I know that it’s not his fault that the earthquake started, but that beeping in my head was showing now a full error. “Everything… happened… because... you… lied to me…?” I couldn’t even see Victor’s face above me, he was touching my cheek and shaking his head, trying to calm me down. But it’s no way I could ever…

“Well… I wanted to do a surprise… by the way, haven’t you said yourself, let’s not look at the past. What happened is already over. Come on babe.” Victor tried to use my words to protect himself. And the sign of error inside my head got even bigger.

“Everything happened because you WERE IN THE SEX TOYS SHOP?” I even jumped and sat on the bed, pushing his arm from my face. I couldn’t deal with this so fast. All this time I was feeling a little bit suspicious how he was able to hurt his head so badly if he was walking in the park. Most of the people, who were outside at the time, almost didn’t get hurt. But oh well… anything can happen. But this. This just opened my eyes. Handcuffs. I will give him handcuffs.

“Yuuri… stop… love…” he was laughing, but it wasn’t funny at all. If he would have stayed in the park, nothing like this would have happened! I know I know… we all got a lot of experience because of those things, we learned a lot, we now have Shuusei and so on. But at this second even this didn’t help me calm down at all. Victor tried to catch me, but I was faster I jumped from the bed and, of course, fell right away on my butt because legs weren’t holding me. “Oh God… are you okay? Come here…” Victor tried to hold back his voice, but I was still able to hear his giggling.

“No… get lost.” I somehow got up and started reaching for wardrobe door. He wanted handcuffs… I will give him handcuffs. Why am I so pissed off? I couldn’t get that feeling away. I found what I was searching for, my old belt. I can use this.

“Oh… what you are going to do with this?” With this question, Victor showed that he doesn’t understand anything that I was about to do. Isn’t my pissed off look not enough for him to understand? I straddled his waist, Victor gave me his wrist himself. So he wants to get punished, right? “Who made you like this?” Victor's warm smile, when I was tying up his wrist and then chained loose part of the belt to the bed, couldn’t have made me more satisfied. After I was done and made sure that he won’t be able to free himself, I leaned forward almost touching his lips with mine.

“Goodnight, Vitya.” I finally answered to him and got out of the bed leaving him without a kiss.

“Yuuri, what?” he laughed and I could feel his eyes on my back. That won’t help now. “Okay… it’s not funny.” He spoke again when I put on my pants and took the shirt from the ground. “Heeeey! Yuuri! At least cover me.” Oh right. I turned around before leaving and covered him with a blanket. Victor would say like that, but he really thought that I am joking. “What? You are really leaving?” he asked surprised and I heard how he tried to release himself. Not going to happen. I went out and closed the door behind me. That man is a walking tragedy!

Of course, somewhere in the middle of the night I came back and released him, Victor was sleeping and he didn’t wake up. All in all, he must have known that I will come back for this. All these hours I was sitting in the living room looking right into the wall and trying to imagine what would have happened if he would have been in the park at the moment when the earthquake started. We would be sitting right now in our apartment in Russia, not here. God damn it. Him and his crazy fetish for those handcuffs. I came back to set his hands free and after giving Victor a small kiss on his cheek laid next to him... But still, when I woke up early in the morning, I went back to the house where Shuusei was sleeping. I didn't want Victor to know that I gave up so fast. Even if I thought that this was the culmination of this thing, I was wrong. In the morning when we came to the living room together with Shuusei I found Phichit, Seung-Gil and Victor sitting at the table. Victor looked at us and I saw a guilt in his face. Eh….I wasn’t mad anymore.

“Vityaaa!” Shuusei ran to Victor’s arms, hugged him tightly with a smile, he was still with his favorite bunny pajamas which Ana bought him before leaving. “You wele not with me… why?” he pressed his chubby cheek to Victor’s neck holding him really tight, like that time when he first saw him in the hospital.

“I just woke up earlier… so I came here.” He explained this to him, after looking for a second at me. How else you can explain this to a child. Three of us suddenly looked at Phichit, when he choked on his tea.

“Oh really? Then what kind of animal there was outside last night, what do you think… Seung?” I suddenly felt how my cheeks heat up and I stepped back. Oh, god. Oh god. Yesterday I didn’t think about this, I couldn’t think about anything else, but Shit… Windows to Phichit’s room are closest to our house. I totally forgot about this!

“That sounded… like bunnies during the heat.” Seung drank his tea a little bit, totally enjoying this together with Phichit and looking how I am burning alive next to them.

“Vitya, what is heat?” Shuusei asked with a surprised face, he loved talking and listening about bunnies, but this time it’s totally forbidden. And how the hell Victor is sitting there like he doesn’t even know what they are talking about!

“It’s when mama bunny…”

“Stoooop!” I ran closer and covered Victor’s mouth with palm before he said something more. I know that for him to talk about this kind of things is nothing, but Shuusei is too little to know this! Victor kissed my fingers and I sighed. “It’s nothing, Shuusei… Seung-Gil doesn’t know what he is talking about.” I touched Shuusei’s hair with another hand and he looked at me with those big shining eyes. We will have sooo much trouble in future when he starts asking about everything. I just couldn’t believe that I have such friends who don't understand what they should be talking about in front of a kid.

“Victor also told us how you tied him up this night… hmm, Yuuri?” Phichit just doesn’t know when to stop, Victor shook his head, but I just sat down next to him and tried to be calm. Thank you, God, Shuusei was still a little bit sleepy so he placed head on Victor’s shoulder just humming something to himself.

“So? Victor knows why I did th-“

“Because he was in a sex toys shop when the earthquake started?” Phichit in one second ruined all my efforts to stay calm.

“How…?” It can’t be true that Victor told him everything! I looked at my husband who was sitting there, holding our son in his arms with a totally innocent face.

“Who do you think gave me that sex toys shop address in the first place?” After Victor’s voice in the same calm face, I gasped and looked at Phichit. Victor knew how to turn things around, he just took this chance. Oh, my God… I am not even pissed off anymore, I am just frozen inside and outside. I just want to go home to Russia and I want Phichit to leave to his stupid Korea together with his hamsters.

“Victor… something is in my butt…” that was the last drop for me, not just the fact that Phichit heard all my words, and probably will use them for some stupid fanfiction, but also that he perfectly repeated my voice. I closed my face with palms and leaned forward. I want just go through the floor and never come back. Victor placed his palm on my back and I silently groaned. Why…. Oh why… these stupid situations are so embarrassing, but inside my heart, I feel so happy about this? Everyone thought that I am crying, but actually I behind my palms, I was smiling like an idiot.

The same evening before going to sleep Shuusei asked me if we can go next time to buy a toy in sex toys shop.

 


	25. Chapter 65. Victor

* * *

 

**2023, August 15.**

_Saint Petersburg_

* * *

 

“It’s okay, not too tight?” I asked looking at bright eyes, waiting for Shuusei’s reaction. He was watching me with the almost opened mouth, never thought that tying skates could be such interesting action. His were little ones, first time I held a size like this in my hands. Shuusei was waiting for this day so much, but we had to order special skates for him so that’s why we had to wait. The boy shook his head with a smile and reached me with his hands, then hugged around the neck.

“Whele is Yuuli?” Shuusei asked the most important question to him. It’s always like that when one of us is not around he just keeps asking until we get back together. This part of him was just too cute to handle. I kissed his cheek and stood up holding in my arms.

“Yuuri is already waiting for us. Hey, don’t take off gloves, it’s cold on the ice.” Another thing about him, that Shuusei didn’t like wearing a lot of clothes, especially the ones you had to wear outside. Since it was still summer so we didn’t have a lot of problems with this, but I couldn’t stop thinking how we will deal with this when Russian winter comes. Yuuri laughed a lot that one day Shuusei might become like me, who tries to take off clothes as soon as he gets a chance. After all, he is my son, how else. And I couldn’t be happier that Shuusei likes Saint Petersburg as much as he liked Hatsetsu. All in all, maybe he likes everything that we like.

“Yuuuuuli!” Shuusei shouted fully amazed by the view when I pushed the door and entered the rink, Yuuri at the time landed triple Axel jump and stopped, he closed eyes for a second like trying to control his face expression and then smiled and looked us. I wonder what happened.

“What’s with this jump angle, love?” I asked coming closer still holding Shuusei, but it was almost impossible to keep him still, now he wanted to be in Yuuri’s arms.

“Just trying to find something new.” He shrugged, but even without words, I knew that he is lying. The only one reason why he could keep this a secret because Shuusei is with us, so I will have to wait until we will be alone to find out what makes him feel like this. Change jumps? Yeah, sure. He was still a little bit mad because this morning we had a fight about dishes again. I told him million times that we should just buy a dishwasher. That’s the reason why he came here first. I tried to smile, but Yuuri rolled his eyes. Yes. He is still mad.

“Alright… wanna try going to Yuuri?” I tried to change this atmosphere before he asked the question that I wasn’t ready to answer. Yuuri slid a little bit back and kneeled on the ice. Shuusei didn’t answer anything just started with big us when I put him down. That’s a big moment, first time on the ice, just one second – that’s all we needed with Yuuri to forget those stupid dishes and smile widely for each other, Shuusei was holding on my hand like we were standing on the edge of the abyss.

“It’s okay, darling… Vitya is behind you, I am here. Don’t be afraid. Come…” Yuuri opened his arms for him and his eyes started shining after seeing how Shuusei’s cheeks blush, as if he would be embarrassed. I was without skates, so just stayed behind him as close to the ice as I could. But I swear… that moment when Shuusei finally found strengths to let go of my hand, something squeezed my heart and all the time I was feeling calm, but now my heart started beating faster, from Yuuri’s face I saw that he feels the same. Oh God… I even held breath when Shuusei moved and stepped on the ice and second after this he was already kissing it. Our reactions to this were just too different.

“Why are you laughing??” Yuuri couldn’t stop gasping and I had to grab on my stomach. That was so much funnier than expected. Well not because of Shuusei who fell at the same second, more because of Yuuri who got into the panic.

“What? You were expecting for him to start doing quads right away?” I asked still laughing so I had to take some pauses between words to take some air in.

“Ty nastoyashchiy d'yavol, Viktor.” (You are the real devil, Victor.) he said with such serious voice that I started laughing even more. Oh right, he learned Russian to start using words against me. That just brilliant, thank you, god that I did ice rink reservation for a few hour just for us.

“I ty moy angel” (And you are my angel) I send a kiss to Yuuri through the air, he didn’t look really happy about this. Sometimes these small fights were even better than normal days. I knew that actually, he is not mad anymore, just too stubborn to admit it. Shuusei was already sitting on his butt, he didn’t cry but looked really lost, like he wouldn’t have expected for ice to be so slippery. He opened mouth making a perfect shape of letter O and touched the ice with hand.

“Are you hurt somewhere, Shuu-chan? Let’s try to stand up.” Yuuri moved a little bit closer and Shuusei tried to reach his hand, but it was still too far away for him. He could have tried to stand up and move closer, but obviously, he quickly found a better plan, he just slid through the ice still sitting on his butt.

“Victor!!” Yuuri shouted when I started laughing again, this time even louder than the first. He caught Shuusei and tried to lift him, but boy didn’t want to, he just loved to sit here. I even closed my face with palms, I couldn’t even breathe normally, honestly, I don’t remember when the last time my stomach hurt so much from laughing.

“He will be a perfect skater… or even create new sports, skating on the butt.” I said this with tears in my eyes, but Yuuri pretended that he doesn’t hear me at all. He was the only one pissed off here, Shuusei didn’t look scared at all, he was really having fun. Is it really just about dishes? Finally, Yuuri was able to make him stand on his feet and the boy looked even more surprised that he can stand like this.

“Vityaaaa!!!” He raised his hands looking at me as if he has reached the goal of his life. Yuuri was holding on his back with hand just in case, but from where I was standing Shuusei looked like he really feels comfortable standing like that.

“Good job, my boy!” I waved for him. “Maybe I will sound like Phichit, but let’s do a photo now.” My words made even Yuuri smile, that’s what I was waiting for. My both smiling boys. Two that I love the most in this world. Both of them saved me and my life in so many ways. As if I ever could ask for more than I have now.

 

  
“But you did the dishes, right?” Yuuri asked when I stopped the car next to the supermarket. Or here it is, the question that I wasn’t waiting at all. I didn’t answer just shrugged, why it’s so important? I can wash them in the evening or tomorrow in the morning. Or like always wait until Yuuri wash them. He sighed and got out of the car, then took Shuusei from the backseat, I leaned a little bit forward to search a list of things we had to buy in the supermarket when the voice reached me.

“Really beautiful boy… your son?” woman’s voice talking in English outside, made me stretch back and open the door. It’s not the first time and I couldn’t explain why women have this weakness for a man with a child. When they try to talk with me it’s one thing, but when it gets to Yuuri... Can't they see rings on his finger or what?

“Yes, and he also has a husband,” I answered loudly getting off the car and she suddenly turned around. At first, she didn’t notice me because I was in the car searching where I dropped that paper with the list. The woman suddenly blushed and stepped back like after seeing something really scary or too bright to handle. She nodded few times and rushed to walk away. Good. And stay there.

“I thought that you are going to set her on fire.” Yuuri laughed when we started walking towards the supermarket, Shuusei was walking between us, holding on our hands. He didn’t like to sit in those shopping trolleys, he wanted always go with us and be 'adult'.

“I would have.” What can I do, if I really don’t like when someone else is talking with Yuuri and also trying to grab my child? If people are blind I could write on his forehead ‘taken’. “Oh… I forgot the list inside the car.” I stopped. That’s what those women makes me do.

“It’s nothing, I forgot to say that Beka invited us for tea. So let’s just grab some cake or something we can come back here on our way home.” Yuuri turned to the right where all kind of sweets were.

“Oh, so they really moved to Petersburg? And why all of the sudden?” It was nothing that Yuuri didn’t tell me, that we are invited to come there, it’s just strange that they did that. From one side I wanted to see Yurio because last time I saw them was before the coma, but the one who invited was Otabek, right?

“I guess they just wanted us to see the place. But Yurio is just too stubborn to call and invite, you know, so I am sure he made Beka do that.” Yuuri stopped next to the fridge full of different cakes. “Which one you like, Shuusei?” he asked when boy let go of our hands and almost got stuck to that fridge, of course, he saw that cake with bunny decorations right away.

“Yeah, sounds like Yurio. Is that place somewhere close to ours?” I grabbed some biscuits from the shelf next to fridge which had a form of small kitties. I will give them to Yurio maybe that will help to grow up.

“Oh, wait…” Yuuri took out his phone and came closer to me, we both looked at the screen and my hand worked on its own, I just couldn’t stop from holding my husband when he was so close to me, I wrapped my arm around his waist and looked at the address in the message. Oh, it’s not too far away from the center. “By the way, Beka asked to buy salt. Could you go and take one package?”

“Salt? But it’s on the other side of the supermarket! And this place is huge, I don’t think they will die without salt.” That’s why I didn’t really like big supermarkets, always hard to get things you need. And to go all over the place just for salt, he must be kidding me. But Yuuri stared at me not even blinking. “Seriously we are going to fight now over a salt? Babe.” I hugged him with both hands and pressed closer to me.

“Yes. Go and take it. Victooor…. stooop…” he tried to be serious, but I knew my lover’s sensitives spots on neck and he didn’t have enough strengths to stop me. “No seriously… stoooop, I am still mad about the morning. Victoooor. God… we are in the public place.” Supermarket? What supermarket? I breathe out hot air behind his ear and Yuuri laughed grabbing on my shoulder with one hand. I knew that he already gave up, how else. I should be using his weakness to reach my goals, but sometimes it can’t be helped.

“So what?” after giving him a small kiss on his open lips I looked down where Shuusei was. Was. But not now. “Shuusei?” I looked around hoping to see him next to candies or other sweets, but he wasn’t here. What? He never goes anywhere without us. Especially in such big place as this market.

“Shuusei!” Yuuri stepped from me and also looked around, then behind another shelf, but this place was too open for him to hide. And it’s not funny at all. It’s not funny… at all. I couldn’t explain what kind of fear I had about losing someone who is close to me again. The fear so strong, that just after ten second my heart was already beating like crazy.

“Victor, calm down. I am sure he just saw something, we will find him soon.” I even didn’t need to tell anything, Yuuri must have seen that every single drop of blood was gone from my face. “Victor….”

“Somebody kidnapped my son!” I shouted and Yuuri flinched, the word kidnapped was too serious in our daily conversation and I wanted him to take this serious! Shuusei was gone already for a few minutes, we can’t wait longer. I didn’t care that we just changed roles with Yuuri and I was the one in a panic now, but I won’t let some creep to take anyone from me ever again.

“No no! I am sure he is—hey!” Yuuri didn’t have another choice just start running with me, I was squeezing the box with kitty biscuits too hard in my hand, but let’s say I was just getting ready to smash like that the face of that asshole who dare to touch my boy.

“My son was kidnapped!” I shouted right into woman’s face who was sitting at the information desk. Oh, and who cares that I am shouting in English. I don’t really care about the language at all, they should just send police and search for my son!

“Actually he is just lost, we turned away for a second-“

“KIDNAPPED!”

“Victor, please calm down. He is alright.” I don’t know if Yuuri really believed this or he just tried to talk like this because of me. Either way, it didn’t help me at all. The woman at the desk looked really lost, she looked at my face then at Yuuri’s and took the microphone.

“Vnimaniye…-“ (Attention…)

“He doesn’t understand Russian, damn it. Give it to me!” I grabbed that microphone from her, does anyone here know how serious it is? I don’t understand, what if I won’t see him ever again? I can’t handle this, I can’t lose him. “SHUUSEI!! DADDIES ARE WAITING COME BACK NOW!! BASTARD GIVE BACK MY SON.” I shouted as loud as I could, and the sound went through all supermarket louder than music, some women next to me gasped from surprise.

“Oh, please… tell your friend to relax.” Women asked trying to take a microphone from me, but I didn’t want to give it back. I might need it again. She can call security if she wants, I don’t care. I will look how they react when I am going to tell about this kidnapping! Someone must do something.

“He is my husband.”

“Oh.”

“Victor, give back the microphone. Give it to me… Victor.” Yuuri tried to take it from me, but I couldn’t move my hands and give it to him, now I saw that Yuuri is really trying to hold back because of me, I saw a silent panic also in his eyes, I bit my lower lip. That’s so bad. That’s so bad… that’s….

“Daddy!!!” At first, I didn’t react to this sound because I have never heard someone calling me like that, but then the voice reached me and I understood who is calling me. We both with Yuuri suddenly turned around and saw Shuusei, some girl helped him to find us, he was hugging a pack of salt. Oh my, I thrown microphone on the desk and kneeled in front of him, then hugged really tight. To be honest, I wanted to shout and ask why he did this to me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move from happiness. He is alright.

“Oooh, he saw that we are fighting about the salt so he went to get it. My boy… thank you so much.” I was still holding Shuusei too tight so I couldn't see who did Yuuri thanked for. “And he said, Daddy… Victor, don’t worry, no one of us will ever leave you, okay? No one ever is going to hurt you, love.” I believed him when Yuuri said quietly after leaning forward. I really do trust him, but I guess it will take a little bit more time to make all fears go away. I mean, next to me now I had the purpose of my life. I want to believe that all pain we already got is going to stay in the past and won’t come back ever again. Can I? Can we believe in real happiness now?

“Daaaad.” Shuusei murmured still pressed to my chest and from that second this word became his favorite one. Yeah, I guess we can believe.

 

“Oh… you came here.” Yurio opened the door when Yuuri pressed the call button, I was holding Shuusei in my hands. Of course, we talked with Yuuri a little bit in the car and after holding him for a bit, I managed to calm down, but still, I wasn’t feeling like I can let go Shuusei so fast.

“Hey, Yurio! Of course, here take a cake, and Victor bought cookies for you and salt like you asked.” After he let us go inside, Yuuri gave him the bag. “Hey Beka!” he also waved for the man standing next to the kitchen door. I waved and smiled for both of them. That was a little bit awkward, we haven’t talked much after I woke up and things a little bit changed, Otabek was really taking care of me when I still couldn’t remember lots of things and Yurio even if he looked mad, but I know that he really cared about us too.

“Kitty!” Shuusei saw a cat next to Otabek and that’s what he cared about the most right now, he tried to reach it and I had to let go, that he could run to that big ball of fur. The cat looked really calm, it didn’t even try to run away. I already saw that some time ago, that Shuusei has some magic around him, his love is so pure that animals are not afraid of him at all.

“Shuusei, come, let’s take off the shoes.” After we did this I called him, but Yurio just shrugged.

“It’s ok, let him be with shoes.” He turned around and walked to the kitchen, not only me but also Yuuri looked quite surprised about this. I knew that there was something going on here. Otabek also didn’t say anything, just with his hand invited us to come after him. I was going behind Yuuri and just for a second looked at Shuusei, but he was really happy with the cat who now was lying on the back and purring. I never thought that cat might be the size of half dog. Such big.

“That’s niceee… and your place is not far away from ours. Let’s visit each other more.” Yuuri was looking around and I sat at the table.

“Like hell,” Yurio answered making Yuuri smile even more. “Don’t think that it’s some kind of guest house… and… ehm…” he shut up too sudden, it’s not like him not to finish the sentence, then I saw that Otabek is staring at him. What? Don’t tell me they are fighting again about the cat or something. “You are drinking tea or coffee?...”

“Oh, god that’s so domestic. I am good with tea.” I laughed staring at Yurio’s back and saw how he froze for a second and I swear even from here I saw that his ears were blushing.

“Yuuri, want to see rest of the place?” Otabek didn’t wait for Yuuri’s response he just took his hand and started dragging from the kitchen, then closed the door leaving me alone with Yurio. I wasn’t nervous, this situation was somehow really warm, don’t tell me Yurio is going to ask me some advice or something?

“Hey… I was wondering how are you feeling.” He turned around and as I thought Yurio didn’t even start making tea. He switched language into Russian and I sighed leaning back a little bit in the chair. What does he mean with this?

“Are you trying to be friendly here?” I raised brow for a second and he stepped forward. He turned eyes down, but one was clear, Yurio was worried. How I missed the moment when he changed so much? “My head doesn’t hurt anymore... I am happy. You wanted to know this?” he kept staring at the table and then slowly nodded, I swear his cheeks were blushing. “Yurio, what is it?”

“Nothing… it’s just you are a dick.” After he said that, I honestly didn’t know should I laugh or just agree with him, so I just kept looking at him, waiting for an explanation. But he didn’t say anything else for around a minute, just took out the cake from the bag. Yes, the one with bunnies. “But it’s good that you are back to normal… I mean…” he blushed even more and it made me smile widely. “… because Katsudon was worried you know… I mean… fuck. If you do something like that again, I will kill you. This time for sure.” As he was standing with his head down, I reached for his blond hair and rubbed them. Yurio didn’t move. I know, I hurt not only Yuuri and I was sorry about that.

“Thank you, Yurio. You grew up into a really good man.” I was still smiling and he suddenly moved again turning around from me.

“I am not a kid.” He tried to sound angry, but this time really unsuccessfully. Of course, he is already twenty-two years old and still, sometimes I can't get over to look at him as grown up. But the truth was different, Yurio had to grow up fast and also not in a really pleasant way, he took care of me, of his grandparent and found enough strengths to forgive Otabek. “Hey… how do you feel about this life? Like having a kid and stuff…” he turned around with a knife in his hands and I looked over my shoulder, is this a test?

“Shuusei is a blessing. My husband also. I don’t really think about this much. Why?” I couldn’t let my eyes off that knife, but Yurio just put it next to the cake, he sighed and sat at the table. His hair now was so long, that tied up they were almost until his chest. He suddenly smiled like thinking about something nice, but then shook his head.

“Nothing… just asking. By the way, that Thai hamster just doesn’t leave me alone that we have to repeat the wedding here so-“

“What wedding?” did I missed something? Who is getting married? Don’t tell me that Phichit decided to get married in Russia.

“Mine and Otabek’s of course—“

“What?? Repeat?? You mean you two are already married??” I opened my mouth from astonishment. It’s something not right there, when? How? “Yuuri!! Yuuri!!” I shouted because Yurio was still sitting with a frozen face like he accidently said something wrong, is this a joke? After few seconds Yuuri opened the door and ran inside, I didn’t wait for him to ask about this. “Yurio and Otabek are married!” I told him jumping from the chair and grabbing Yuuri into my arms.

“Oh. Victooor. Oooh. I totally forgot to tell you this.” Yuuri placed his hand on my waist and sighed. Just forgot to tell me? Oh okay. Why not. “They got married in two thousand and twenty-second.” He nodded he explained to me and as if that had to calm me down, he was wrong.

“They got married before us??” I looked at Yuuri like those two were not in the same room with us. Of course, it was hard to understand so fast that Yurio got married and somehow managed to keep this a secret from me? When did he tell this? When I was in a coma?

“Yeah, Lol… so now who has grown up again?” Yurio laughed watching my reaction. I still pretended that I don’t notice him. I think now we are even about me not washing dishes, that’s what I was trying to say to Yuuri with my look he couldn’t disagree. “You and Katsudon are so far away from us…”

“Babe.” Otabek few time coughed and like this way saying that it’s not a time for this right now. “What Yura was trying to say is….”

“Eh… ok. It’s… will you be the witness at our wedding?” Yurio looked at me and I just can’t even tell what should have happened today, that could surprise me more than this, they slapped me from both sides. I looked for a second at Yuuri.

“Otabek already asked to me be a second witness.” He explained this calm reaction of his and then I didn’t have a choice, right? It’s not like I didn’t want that, but the strange feeling inside me got deep again, that I didn’t deserve this. They all acted with me normal, like nothing would have happened and from one side I was grateful, but from another, I couldn’t stop asking why. Why they love me so much when I couldn’t love anything at all. I guess, I really did something good then. And this kind of thing helped to heal me faster.

“But you could have told me earlier, I almost got a heart attack,” I said when we all sat at the table and Yurio again took a knife into his hand. He really has to keep away that kind of things when he is with people. From the other side, this is one of the things that was the same about him, we all have some parts that we can’t change. That’s the truth.

“But almost doesn’t count, right?” Yurio smiled hitting right where he wanted. Or he didn't grow up after all.

 

  
No matter how many times we asked, Shuusei didn’t want to go home, he liked cats (all three of them) and he wanted to take them with himself. We kept asking, but nor Yuuri, nor I couldn’t drag him by force so after around ten minutes we let him stay at Yurio’s and Otabek’s place a little bit longer that he could play, Otabek promised to bring him back home later. Shuusei was totally alright with this, but I was a little bit surprised that Yuuri gave up so fast and he even convinced me about this. Well I trusted Otabek and Yurio and I was sure that they won’t do anything bad, but… still, Yuuri’s reaction was strange. Of course, later I got my answers. We were in the elevator at our place and when the door opened on the right floor Yuuri sighed:

“I saw adoption documents in their living room.” He said when I was searching for the keys. Yuuri’s voice wasn’t worried, more like he was trying to convince himself that what he saw is true. I blinked few times. I mean I understood what he told me, but the information was too hard to handle so fast. Our life is always like that… calm, calm, calm and then out of nowhere thunder strikes with a bunch of things at the same time. “And I am not talking about cat’s adoption, Victor.” I was already opening my mouth to make this to a joke, but my husband was faster. “I couldn’t see a lot, it was written in Russian, but I am sure that it was something about adoption…”

“You think they want to adopt a child? Yurio and Otabek? Really? That’s why you left Shuusei that they could see how it feels?” After my question Yuuri shrugged, I was again wrong that he didn’t really care, Yuuri like always thinks about everything too much. “From the other side, Yurio is already twenty-two and Otabek will turn twenty-five this year, so why not? If they feel ready for this. Better than buying another cat.” When I feel that Yuuri also needs support or someone to calm him down, I always try to be the one who does that, the same when he got worried about Ana’s and Alexey’s relationship. I wonder if these two already back from the competition in Praha. We both flinched when Makkachin started barking behind the door, yelling at us that we are just standing and not coming in. I found keys and opened the door, Makkachin started jumping and also searching for Shuusei.

“He will come back soon, don’t worry.” Yuuri rubbed our poodle’s head and took off the shoes. Just now I remembered something from the morning when we were in ice center.

“Love… what happened in ice center?” this wasn’t a question did something happened, I knew that something was wrong, but couldn’t guess what.

“Oh… nothing. It’s just my knee, I didn’t want Shuusei to know. I mean it’s okay… I usually don’t pay attention. But maybe with age you know…” he laughed, but I didn’t like the idea about pain at all. I knew that right leg of his always will be more sensitive and no one can do anything about it. Simon did what he could the best, but the fact that Yuuri needed longer warm up than others and sometimes it hurt, couldn’t be changed. He accepted that long ago, Yuuri said that it became so normal for him, that he doesn’t even think this most of the time… but it’s still here. And it’s not just part of him, it’s also a big part of me.

“Yuuri… you will be thirty-one this year, what are you talking about age.” I gently pressed him against the wall and he laughed, his smile was adorable, still the same like in the past, not like a man… when he was next to me, Yuuri was a boy, almost innocent. Almost. When our lips met he wrapped his arms around my neck and pressed strongly, with the only one intention – not to let go. I could almost think that this must be another reason why he decided to leave Shuusei. Nicely played, hun. He giggled into my lips as if he could read my mind and I quickly pulled down his pants, then slowly kneeled in front of him.

“Nooo… come here. I want your lips here on mine.” Oh well, just never mind what I said about him being innocent, when Yuuri gets turned on, nobody can stop his tongue even if at the same time his cheeks are softly blushed. But I had another plan. It’s always like this. When it hurts somewhere I just have to try to take away the pain hoping that this time I will success better and that I will be able to take even if just a small part of the pain that I also caused for him. Yuuri was right, I forgave myself, I had to do that because I wanted to have a happy life and still. I just needed to make him mine over and over again like one time wouldn’t be enough.

I lifted his right leg a little bit and kissed inner part of the thigh, the skin here was warm and so soft. I loved the smell. We both sighed at the same time and I slid down with lips until I reached his knee. Yuuri instinctively moved his leg a little bit, but I was holding strong. He didn’t say anything, I don’t even think that he was breathing at all. Is he so afraid of this? I pressed my lips to knee and kissed one then second time, after that touched with tongue. Yuuri finally let out the moan and when I opened my eyes I saw him breathing fast and irregularly, his face was blushed hard and eyes closed, Yuuri was standing with his lips opened a little bit. No way could this situation be that sexy, but everything becomes possible with him.

“Does it hurt?” I kissed his knee again, but this time didn’t let him go with my eyes, I could feel how his leg is shivering between my fingers. He is so cute.

“It doesn’t… It never hurts when you are with me.” he silently whispered of course without any clue that I am staring at him and that this view is really precious. I couldn’t hold back just wonder if after 10 more years his reaction will the same. I wish he could stay so sensitive forever.

Just when I stood up again and took his face into my palms, Yuuri opened eyes, they were shining from happiness and only this view could also light up my day. His burning cheeks under my fingers and hot hair on my lips that he lets out with every breath. That’s everything for me. I took his glasses off with one hand, put them on the table next to me and kissed him again, this time Yuuri jumped and wrapped his legs around my waist, made sure that I won’t go anywhere. Like I could now. Too late. We were kissing slowly and I could feel how much Yuuri puts into these kisses, how much love his has and even if he couldn’t say this out loud, but he was grateful for what I have done. Even if it wasn’t much. We reached the kitchen and Yuuri sat on the table, now he was able to hug me even stronger, my lower part of the body couldn’t be happier about this. Yuuri turned his head a little bit and I understood what he wants, I wanted the same, to kiss his skin, until the last drop of it. And this part was my favorite, his neck where I could always leave hickeys and he couldn’t tell anything about it. I loved leaving marks on his body, how else.

“Victor.” He suddenly stopped me with his hands and I almost got lost when his silent sighs from pleasure turned into cold like ice voice. “You didn’t wash the dishes.” I blinked at looked at the sink, which was full of them from today’s breakfast. Well, I thought it was already clear from my reaction in the car, but Yuuri thought otherwise.

“Love… oh, come on, really?” I sighed unhappily when he pushed me away and jumped off the table. Yuuri showed me to come with him and went towards the bedroom. Maybe he is right, making love next to the dirty dishes is not such a good idea. Also, the bed is so much comfortable. On my way there with a smile, I took off the shirt and dropped them on the floor. As soon as I came in, Yuuri softly pushed me to the bed and I happily fell on it.

“Your hands.” He said and I saw that Yuuri is holding two pairs of handcuffs in his hands. I couldn’t help myself, just get excited. My husband knows too well things that I like. It’s rare for Yuuri to play with these, especially after what happened in Tokyo, but time like this only made me feel more excited.

“What can I say, I love this side of you, Yuuri Nikiforov.” He didn’t answer just smiled for me, chaining hands with one part and then another part of handcuffs to the bed. I am trapped and somehow this is getting more and more fun. Later when I will chain him then we will have even more fun. “You feel like playing today?” I gently asked waiting for the kiss which never came, Yuuri walked to the wardrobe and took out the pants he is usually wearing at home. What?

“Yes, we are going to play… the rules are simple. I do whatever I want with you and you can’t resist. Do you accept them?” he said with a serious voice and I really felt like a prisoner, but not in a bad way. Of course, this made me smile widely, but I also tried to be serious for him. Nodded few times, I can do this much, that’s not even hard.

“Alright. First I am going to feed you.” Yuuri walked out of the room and left me just like that, without saying anything more. Eat? Well alright, I am hungry a little bit, but that could have waited. Or what can I say… if he decides to feed me mouth to mouth, then why not. Yuuri didn’t come back for around twenty minutes, I already lost the count, the curtains were closed so I couldn’t even look through the window it was almost dark in the bedroom.

“Yuuri!” I shouted. God, damn it. I tried to move my hands, but these handcuffs were so much better than those that Phichit gave to Yuuri as a birthday present, I couldn’t cut off it with my strengths. I hope he didn’t go somewhere. But Yuuri came back right after my words holding a plate in his hand, but I couldn’t see what is there.

“Sorry for taking so long wanted to make it delicious for you. Close your eyes.” He was holding the plate that I wouldn’t see, but I trusted Yuuri, I mean he wouldn’t do anything with poison or something like that. Alright, I like surprises from him, or at least I wanted to convince myself because this surprise was kind of strange. I closed my eyes and felt how Yuuri sits next to me. “Open your mouth, Victor…” he said softly and I obliged. What could this be? Cake? Something sweet? Fruit? Ice cream? My mouth inside became dry when he touched lips with thumb and then put something inside my mouth.

“Oh, Jeez Christ!” I spit out that horrible thing from my mouth and opened eyes. Even without seeing well I knew what it was. Green. And looks like a tree. It’s broccoli. “Yuuri, you know that I hate broccoli! Oh God, give me water.” Even if I had that broccoli inside my mouth just for a second, I could still feel that disgusting thing inside.

“You promised that you won’t resist. Eat this broccoli, Victor.” When I closed my mouth and shook head, Yuuri leaned forward. “Broccoli, Vitya. Kushay. Tabero.” (rus. and jap. Eat!) he was right, I promised, but I never thought that this will turn into the way of torture. I can’t eat that. I just can’t.

He even reached the line where he put the bite inside his mouth and kissed me, then we had around ten seconds fight with tongues until he made me swallow the bite. If only I could move my hands, I could have stopped him, but now I was powerless and Yuuri enjoyed too much. I knew what he wanted, but I am stronger than this. After he made me repeat the same three times more, I couldn’t even breathe, the taste was everywhere inside my mouth. The broccoli, I hate them from childhood and I can’t do anything about it. Oh, is that all you got? I wanted to ask when he left the bedroom taking the plate with himself and then came back with the laptop. Are we going to watch movies? With a smile on his face Yuuri laid next to me on the bed and turned on the laptop, I didn’t have any idea what he is going to show me, but nothing is that bad as broccoli. I thought so until he turned on the video from the time when I just started skating. I wasn’t born as the genius, that’s the truth.

“What’s with this double Axel, Victor? Hahaha. Look how you put your leg, what?” he started laughing staring at that video and I opened my mouth until my jaw started to hurt. Where did he get this from? Of course, must be Ana and Alexey, nobody else could have these.

“Yuuri, turn this off. Oh god! Please, turn it off, I can’t watch. Such embarrassment.” I begged, but he didn’t even move, he kept looking at that video giggling at those parts where he should have cried. For example my terrible spins, I won’t lie they were terrible. This video was somewhere hidden in the closet and it should have stayed there until the end of the days! “Yuuri! Oh… is this Yakov? I don’t even remember him with hair… anyway, turn it off, please.” But he didn’t listen to me and I couldn’t even move my head because he made me turn it back or close my eyes because Yuuri kept saying that I promised him to do this.

I honest felt tired after eating and watching that hour long video of me skating like I would have shitted in my pants. I couldn’t explain what I really wanted right now and after all, I could just think that this time it really can’t get worse if I didn’t give up until now… I won’t even…

Yuuri was in the bathroom and he came out from there fully naked, just with bunny ears that I took away from Shuusei a few days ago. I gasped, but not from laugh seeing this view – his strong naked body and that blushed face of his, I could have eaten all plate full of broccoli and even watch that video again or show him some worse, but this. This was just too much. He stopped not far away from the window and looked at me. I was staring. Just staring and wanting to have some sort of magical power somehow drag him to me like a magnet or I don’t know… break this bed and jump on him like that. Is he even know how he looks like right now? Yuuri placed his hands behind the back and smiled at me then with quick move opened the curtains.

“Yuuri!! What the hell!! Close them!! Close them now. Somebody might see you!” I could have handled everything, but not the fact that some pervert freak would stare at the body which belongs to me.

“Victor, we live in 11th floor, nobody will see me.” he said with a calm voice but didn’t move an inch, even worse, he turned all his body at the window and I got a panic attack at the same second it was so hard, that whole bed moved.

“OKAY!! I will wash those dishes!! Damn it!! I will wash them! Just close the curtains. NOW!” No matter how angry or depressed my voice sounded, Yuuri could still do what he wanted, but he reached his goal, from the start everything was just about those freaking dishes. I can’t even… explain. I lost. I don’t like losing at all. But this time… He didn’t leave me another choice. Yuuri sighed and closed curtains then dropped the bunny ears, a few seconds later he was already lying on me.

“Oh, God… you gave up just in time, it was getting really hard.” He kissed my lips and laughed, then kissed again. I couldn’t stay mad for too long even when I learned that all his laugh while watching the video was pretended. Fake. Brilliant.

“Now unlock me and let me show you what really means to do what I want. I don’t want to be rude, but tonight I am really fucking you hard.” He was still kissing my face and neck with a smile and I was also smiling like an idiot because why not. Why not smile when such stupid thing in life makes you happy, when you have someone to be stupid with. Someone who won’t leave you even when you start getting out of your mind. Since that day I woke up my head didn’t hurt even once, so I believed that everything now is going to be alright. We lived through this. Yuuri started searching for keys to open the handcuffs on the table, but there was nothing.

“Oh… I don’t know where are they…” he looked around a little bit lost and then shrugged.

“Really? You can stop joking, love. I already see through you.” I rolled my eyes, but he looked dead serious and I understood that Yuuri is not lying, he really doesn’t know where the keys are. “Oh…. So what now? Hey… How I will live locked like that?”

“Forever. You will be mine like that. Forever.” He whispered into my lips and I sighed. I am already his, so how can this change something. “I love you, Victor…” I knew that. I knew so well, even without those words, the way he tells my name is the definition of love itself. He could keep calling my name and it would be enough, better than any love words in this world, in any language, better than any actions. I sighed when he placed his lips next to at the corner of my lips. We were lying like this and I could feel his heartbeat with the same rhythm as mine because we are one, because we were not separated. Even when I tried to convince myself differently I couldn’t live without him, that’s the truth. I can’t breathe without him, my heart is not beating without him. My life would be vain. My existence would be meaningless. Once I thought that loving this much could cause more pain when everything will be over, but that’s not true, only love like this can heal for real.

“I love you.” I craved these words with hot air into his skin. “Yuuri.”

The pain will end and then forever beings until life gives you another challenge. I wasn’t afraid of them anymore because I knew I have Yuuri with me to go through everything. This was the promise and an obligation I gave with my soul and heart which is so different from the mind. Meaning that even the day comes when we become lost, but our hearts will know. That’s how we found the way back to each other in the first place, right? And I think… I have run out of the words what to say. But who cares about them? Who cares? It’s just the feeling going through our veins. Just this simple, but strong feeling. I closed my eyes. Passion. Because every kiss he gives changes me from the core. I suddenly grabbed on the handcuffs chains, when Yuuri slid down with his lips from my face down through all my body until the lower part. Maybe his torturing is still not over.

“God damn… it. I love this Eros part of you.”

“Learning from the best one.”

  
Just hours later we found thirty missed calls from Otabek. So wait, why you need friends? To take care of your pets… or children, from now on. It sounds like a future that we deserved to have. At last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> In the next chapter, you will get a future of our babies. 13 years later. It will be the ending chapter of the main story. The chapter will be told from Yuuri's, Victor's and in the end a little bit from Shuusei's POV.
> 
> Oh, and the ones who are surprised about Yurio and Otabek being married, then you haven't read chapter 60 I suppose. Saying just in case :D
> 
> Love  
> See ya! <3


	26. We call everything on the ice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello,
> 
> I don't really know how many readers of this fic have left. But truly thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for staying with me until the end. If I could I would bow to every of you for reading this. This... is the last main chapter of "Unbroken Heart" series. With this, I am almost saying goodbye. I want to leave this huge THANK YOU for everyone because maybe some of you won't even read the last chapter. So I am crying right now and bowing again and again. It was an amazing journey... I guess a little bit too angsty, but... oh well, thank you again for beeing a part of it and helping me to complete this fic. All of you are amazing and every of your comments was a blessing... or just knowing that you read this. I truly love everyone who spared some time for reading this. Thank you a lot. Oh, I need to stop thanking, but I literally can't. It's hard to say goodbye :) Sorry. Between us and Behind us will be always my baby <3 But I hope to see some of you again, maybe in my other fics or maybe we will meet each other again in comments of other fics. Who knows ^^ <3
> 
> Uf. The last time.
> 
> So, the last chapter - 27 will be Alternate ending of this fic. SORRY but I must warn you that after everything I have decided that it will be angsty. Maybe only the last part of it not that much. So basically the alternate ending will answer you a question: WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YUURI HAVEN'T PUT ON NEW SKATES IN THE FIRST CHAPTER?
> 
> Good question and I really wanted to give you an answer for some time already. So see you then <3 
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Vitavili
> 
> P.s. The next chapter should come in the end of May because uni is still killing me. TT_TT

 

* * *

 

**Victor**

* * *

**2036 November 28.**  
**~3 a.m. Saint Petersburg**

  
I am holding a glass in my hand, glass so fragile that I could smash it just with my fingers, it could turn into ashes and become nothing and the pain wouldn’t be real anymore. There won’t be any pain left because I would be gone. The squeezing feeling in my chest is getting more and more annoying, I just want it to be gone. I want him to make it gone, but instead of that, I raise my hand. There is one part of me that want to throw this glass at the wall, but another part, a bigger one is so afraid of this moment. I need to stop. I can’t let…

_Imagine… this… was… my… heart…_

I take a deep breath and feel tears in my eyes. It hurts. The glass was my heart until…

 

  
I suddenly jumped in the bed and then quickly sit covering face with palms. Damn it. This thing, this nightmare which still sometimes finds his way how to return. It’s been years since I dreamed this the last time. I tried to breathe, but everything inside me was still trembling, like I have a high fever, to be honest, I couldn’t move. I had to think that it was just a dream, but my mind was telling me different things. The last frame of that dream was still frozen inside my head. I couldn’t see my face, just a glass in my hand. That’s just so bad.

With shivering fingers I touched my neck, just to feel drops of cold sweat. The feeling was more or less like I would have gone to bed just after a shower. Still touching the back of my neck and trying to catch the air, I turned my head to see the other side of the bed, it was empty. Of course, it is. I mean, this is the reason why I had this stupid nightmare. I would never have it if Yuuri would be with me. It’s been years since we slept separated. This time, of course, it couldn’t be helped, I know. But he is the only one who alway protects my dreams… No matter how many years have passed or will pass, some of the scars are still too deep and only while being together we can cover them with love. Of course, it’s nothing serious. I shouldn’t be worrying, I should just stop trembling and go back to sleep. But my heart was still pounding and I had to calm it down.

I got up from the bed and had to sit for a few seconds, looking down to my feet before I actually stood up. Oh god, who I am? A kid? I wanted to laugh. Saying goodbye in the airport was actually easier than this.

“It’s okay, Vic-chan… I am not leaving anywhere.” When poodle raised his head I murmured and rubbed his soft fur. Like always he was sleeping on the bed, so naturally, when I got up, he started wondering where I am going in the middle of the night. To be honest, he is like a child or maybe even worse. Just thinking that he might be left alone could get him into the panic. Vic-chan was attached to all five of us, so already the fact that Yuuri and Shuusei were not home at the moment was too sad for him.

I walked out of the room first with a clear plan to go to the kitchen and drink some water, but I stopped when I saw my phone on the desk in the living room. It’s where I left it before going to sleep. Next to the phone, there was a fairy tale book. The small green light in the top edge of the phone was showing that I got a new message, that’s what made me come closer and take it in my hand. I touched the screen with a fingertip and the message popped out.

 **From:** Mr. Katsuki - Nikiforov  <3  
**To:** Mr. Nikiforov  <3  
**Date:** 2036, November 28 00:12 BST  
_I can‘t fall asleep without you. Feeling like a teen._

He sent it an hour ago, but the feeling that Yuuri couldn‘t sleep just like I couldn't, made me smile so wide that even cheeks started to hurt. Yes, that‘s what it means to live together for so long. You even start to think in the same way. I just hoped that he didn’t have strange nightmares. I didn’t want him to know that I am having the same problem, but if I answer now he will know... From the other side, is there any reason to hide that I don't feel well without him?

 **From:** Mr. Nikiforov  <3  
**To:** Mr. Katsuki – Nikiforov  <3  
**Date** : 2036, November 28 03:06 MSK  
_Hug a pillow and imagine that it’s me. I will do the same._

The screen shut down when the message was sent and I sighed. If only pillow hugging could help. Anyway, I should try something because if I don’t get enough sleep, tomorrow is going to be only harder. When I think about it, this would be the first time since 2020 when I won’t be with Yuuri on his birthday. Maybe that’s the reason I feel so down? From the other side, almost all our friends are in London right now so he won’t be lonely. I guess that’s the most important, even if the feeling won’t be exactly the same. I looked at the photos on the wall. Lots of them. Some of them were still old fashioned and frozen, others in different frames were changing like a slide show. The photo which kept me smiling was the old one, in which I made Yuuri sit on my shoulders, or maybe I even should say forced to do so and his face was all blushed because the photo was taken in the public place. I was holding his legs and looking up at beloved face while Yuuri was looking at the camera with his palm covering mouth, trying to hide his smile. Next to this one was another photo, almost exactly the same, just instead of Yuuri, Shuusei was sitting on my shoulders. With his arms raised up and a big smile, holding his first gold medal. Both photos were taken on the same day. After Shuusei’s first Junior Grand Prix final… sadly we won’t be able to repeat the same this year, with his first Grand Prix Final as a real professional skater. That would be fun. I am being really sentimental right now, but time does fly really fast.

“Dad..?” sleepy voice came from the corridor where other bedrooms were and I quickly turned my eyes away from the photo, which we hung on the wall just last month. Finally with all of us there.

“Hikari… why you are not sleeping?” Since Yuuri didn’t answer I put the phone on the shelf next to me and started going towards my son. He was standing in the same spot, rubbing his eyes with palms. As for ten years old child, he was way too cute. I wish I could just take him in my arms and squeeze and carry around like I used to do when he was little. But oh well, I know that these days they all want to be really grown up.

“You are also not sleeping…” he murmured looking somewhere down. That’s the answer I am already used to get. If we are doing or not doing something, then he also has the same rights. I have been through all these stages together with Shuusei and it was hard at first, but after some time you just start knowing what you should answer.

“I just came to drink water... now I am going back to the bed. So let’s go. Tomorrow you have an important day, right?” I touched his soft hair and boy nodded few times. I wonder what he is not telling me, but if I ask, he will say that it’s nothing, of course. Every of them was so different… when Shuusei was his age this wouldn’t have worked on him, but Hikari is different. “Goodnight.” I started turning around, but suddenly felt how he is holding my hand. Bingo. I knew it will work. I bit my lip in order to hide the smile and we walked together towards my bedroom.

“Just don’t tell nii-chan…” Hikari silently asked when he climbed in the bed on Yuuri’s side and covered himself until the nose. Vic-chan after seeing that he came here, started wagging the tail and stretched his paws because he wanted to be closer. The most interesting part of our family was the mix of languages that have been using. For others, it was really strange to hear this. For us it was normal, I didn’t have to think what he was talking about.

“Don’t worry, it will be our little secret. Shuusei won’t find out.” I promised when I was already lying on my side. I had so many secrets that I should keep from everyone, that I could write a whole book. Of course, I could understand a reason why Hikari wanted to keep this a secret from his older brother. Shuusei was an idol for Hikari, he didn’t want his big brother to see that he might be weak. “Are you worried about tomorrow?” What can I say.... both of them have the same anxiety syndrome as Yuuri had. I always tried to keep them calm and only now little by little I could see that Shuusei started trusting himself more. Hikari nodded fast and hid his face even more.

“And not just about that... dad…” when he grabbed my hand under the blanket and pressed fingers really hard, I felt it until my heart. There was really something that was bothering him so much.

There was a reason why we gave him a name like this one. Hikari with the name meaning of light. This boy was real light in our family. It was really rare to see him sad or worried about something too much, usually, he was trying to hide it and just keep smiling. For others, it was incredible to see that the boy at age ten can hide his real feelings so well. Hikari would have done anything to make others happy. But he was always like this. Hikari had a huge and warm heart and he wanted everyone around him to smile. Like it was possible to feel something else when he looks at you with those bright eyes. But this time, they were full of tears and honestly that freaked me out a little bit. If Yuuri would be here, he would know what to do, what to say. But for me… I was still not very good at dealing with people who cry in front of me, even if he was my son and just looking at this made my heart start bleeding.

“Hikari… hey… you don’t have to be so worried. I am here for you. And tomorrow I will be there watching you, alright? Alexey and Ana also said that they will come to watch you. Come here…” he tried to shake his head and say that it’s nothing. But before that, I pressed him to my chest. That’s the best I can… even if it’s strange a little bit. It wasn’t his first tournament... Maybe the first so important that’s why.

“Are you getting divorced with papa?“ This question hit me so fast and out of nowhere that I couldn’t let the sound out. Everything inside me got frozen like suddenly someone stopped the time. I guess it was not just a surprise, but also sudden unavoidable fear, because I had that nightmare earlier... about the time when we were so close to that point. “Please… don’t. Please. I can even quit swimming… and just skate. Just don’t leave.” I was thinking too long and not saying anything. But to be honest, I tried to think where the hell he took this from. There was only one papa in our family so he couldn’t be talking about someone else.

“What?? Don’t you ever think of quitting something that you like. I would never let you. And noooo, we are not getting divorced with papa. Where did you take this from, Hikari?” Oh… God… rather earth is going to stop spinning than I will get divorced with Yuuri. Just thinking of this was too scary. After few seconds Hikari lifted his head again and looked at me again, his cheeks were a little bit blushed from crying and he kept staring at me surprised. I guess my voice was also trembling. I would better dream thousands of nightmares every night than let this happen.

“He… he… left with Shuusei to London…--“

“Yes, because Grand Prix Final is in London this year, you know that, right? And I stayed here with you and Eva because I wanted to see your swimming tournament, why you think…”

“But… but I heard papa crying the night before... and no matter what we always stay together… so I thought…” he blinked a few times and then hid face again, but at least for one second I saw a smile, so I think he still trusts my words a lot, so this was enough for him to believe me. So I am not the only one here to think that staying apart for our family is just impossible. This time, either I either Yuuri had to stay… as we were both coaching Shuusei and I also could go, but I thought that Yuuri would feel a little bit better if he could spend his birthday among friends and not here alone. We argued a little a bit about that… but… everything ended up… oh. I silently giggled when I understood what actually Hikari heard.

“Oh…. Not. Papa wasn’t crying at all… it was another thing… don’t worry about that. Everything is alright between us…. Actually… really good.” I kissed his forehead and still keeping a smile on my face. I can’t believe that he heard how we were having sex. I closed the door, but if he was standing really close, he must have heard everything. I can’t do anything about this, Yuuri moans so loud that even if our bedroom’s walls were thicker than in the rest of the flat it wasn’t enough to hold back his voice.

“But… but… then what was it? I heard him crying…” he won’t leave this topic so fast, right?

“Well… he was actually feeling good, let’s say he was crying because he felt really good.” Yuuri would punch me if he heard that I am trying to explain something like that to this really innocent child. Just thinking about that made me want to pick words a little bit more careful.  
  
“He was really happy then… why?” Hikari murmured, but his voice was already a little bit quieter, he will fall asleep soon.

“Or why were you walking around the flat in the middle of the night?” I couldn’t think of nice and not that straight forward answer this fast, so I found another way how to overcome this topic. The reason must be simple. As Hikari knew that Yuuri will be leaving he wanted to sleep with us, but, of course, after hearing Yuuri “cries” he just went back to his room. Now the answer why he looked so down all day was clear. Boy just sighed, I didn’t hear his answer because after feeling safe he fell asleep fast. “Sleep, my angel…” I should be really thankful that he is here with me today. Maybe Hikari was the only one now who could make my nightmares go away. He is the light after all. I think I it's impossible to forget the day when we decided to take him into our family.

 

After the earthquake we went to Japan many times again, to visit Yuuri’s parents, finally stayed at our place in Osaka, but just after five years, we managed to come back there on our anniversary. At the time Shuusei turned eight. He was asked to do a little performance at one small ice rink for kids who are living in an orphanage. The reason of this project was to show for those children that they also have a chance to participate in different activities, like sports or games so every of them could choose a group they wanted to see. Hikari couldn’t choose… he was just two years old and… actually, he didn’t even have a name back then. But I am so thankful that on that day they brought him to see ice skating.

 

 

_**2028, May 15.** _  
_**Hatsetsu.** _

_Yuuri opened the door and stepped inside, I was already sitting in warm water, feeling how all parts of my body relaxes. After Shuusei’s performance in Kyoto, we came all the way to Hatsetsu. It was a long day and to be honest even if everything went pretty well I couldn’t get rid of one thought inside my head. Or at least until Yuuri dropped the towel on the ground. Onsen is a magical place indeed… or I should say my husband’s body is magical because no matter how many times I see it, I can’t get enough of this view. It was hot enough here, but suddenly someone turned on the extra heater. The fact that it was late and I knew that nobody else would come here and it’s just us... made me smile. When he stepped into the water at the same time slowly with hands run through his hair this way slicking them back I held my breath. If this would be recorded I could watch again and again how he stretches muscles showing that strong body._

_“Shuusei is already sleeping, so we have some time.” He smiled not taking his eyes off me and I opened my arms for him that he could walk right into them. And Yuuri did it, he straddled my legs and wrapped his arms around my neck, I grabbed on his thighs holding bigger part of the weight. He was still so light. Yuuri kissed my cheek and then lips and I sighed from happiness. It’s not like me, but at first, I tried to convince Yuuri not to go this day to Japan, now I understand that it was wrong. There was nothing to be afraid of. Nothing._

_“You are all mine… I think I won’t get enough of you today.” I pressed his body between my fingers a little bit harder and kissed his shoulder. Yuuri shivered in my hands and softly rubbed my hair._

_“Then we have tomorrow and the day after that… and all my life for that.” His soft laughter reached my heart and I couldn’t feel more excited about his words. What can we do if we are just always hungry for each other? “Victor… what do you think about… one more child?” He murmured after about minute. Yuuri picked the most right time for this question. I could say that he caught me unprepared, but from the other side, that was the thought that I couldn’t get off my head after today. We never talked about adopting another child. Shuusei was a big part of our life and it seemed that there was no place for others. There was just three of us. Perfect family. Naturally, this topic never came to my head, but…_

_“Today… I saw one boy…-“_

_“With white hair, right?” Yuuri didn’t let me finish the sentence, but he just read my mind. Or it’s just how it is. Mostly if something important is about to happen we notice the same thing both. Yuuri looked at me, with his fingers moving hair from my eyes and then took my face in his palms. I nodded._

_“His eyes were sparkling when he saw how Shuusei is skating, I swear it was like it got even brighter around for a second. And… I really could feel warmth in my chest… it just reminded how this kind of thing can make others happy and... he is so small… I couldn’t take my eyes off him.” I honestly told Yuuri how I felt and what was I thinking all day. Good to know that I wasn’t the only one._

_“Forgive me… but when you went with Shuu-chan to help him change clothes, I asked about that boy… it seems that he… well, he is not complete albino, but he has a lack of melanin… so that’s why his hair is almost white and he has blue eyes. Furthermore… his real parents were ashamed of him… they kept him locked in the room all the time. And he is just two years old. He was brought to the orphanage last week. Poor boy doesn’t even have a name yet, he didn’t have any documents. When I came closer, he smiled for me… I mean, he had such awful life and still, there is so much happiness in his eyes. Victor, I can’t stop thinking about that boy, I swear.” I let Yuuri talk and once he started, he didn't make any pauses between his words, this way just proving that he was keeping all these thoughts inside his heart all day. He wanted to tell me this so much and now when he could let words out, I saw tears in his eyes. Tears that were making me feel weak. But even without them, while Yuuri talked my heart already melted. Like I said, we never talked about adopting a child before. But Hikari just came into our life. He just found us, like Shuusei did. And since then he became our light of happiness._

_“Yuuri… Maybe after five years of keeping away from everything that happened… we can accept this. Maybe life is giving us a proof that now when we overcame this fear, we can have just happiness? Do you believe in destiny?” I kissed his chin and then cheek, collecting one tear that ran down._

_“I believe that… When I have your love, no one can drag me down, Victor.” He softly smiled to me. And it was our silent approval. The sign of our love. We came back to Kyoto the next day and met Hikari again. Never let him go until now._

 

 

**2036 November 28.**  
**~11 a.m. Saint Petersburg**

  
“Vitya!!” Ana screamed like always too loud, going through the rows of seats, towards me and Eva. Some people looked at her and rolled their eyes, but didn’t say anything maybe because Alexey behind her was like a wall protecting this girl even without any words. Eva was sitting on my lap, looking down at the pool with her big brown eyes. The pool was big and she loved the color of water. I nodded for them with a smile, but Ana was not looking at me already, now she saw just my daughter. “My princess! Give her to me. Give me.” She didn’t ask actually, Anna just took Eva from my hands and girl didn’t resist. She was just too kind for that. When Shuusei was little he didn’t really like being held by others for too long. Well as for Eva… she loved everyone who was nice to her.

Yuuri just couldn’t stop saying that she is just like me. Even if her eyes were brown, she had silver hair so now four of us sitting next to each other looked like one big family. I heard how someone whispered something similar behind me with a surprise that such young looking man has so many children. If only they knew my real age or that Ana and Alexy are not children, even if they look so.

“The most beautiful Nikiforov in the whole world! I can’t wait until she grows up and we can go shopping together… and there will be a bunch boys around her.” Ana was speaking nonstop while kissing Eva’s cheek, but girl was still too interested in pool and looking at Hikari. It’s just incredible how much she loved her brothers, even if just not long ago we celebrated her first birthday.

“Hahaha, boys. No boys are going touch my girl… love, don’t eat your fingers, they are not delicious.” I softly touched her hand and moved it from her mouth. Eva quickly grabbed on my finger and looked at me with those big dark eyes for hers, trying to say something, but it was just bunch of sounds. “Yeeees, Hika will swim now, look.” After my words, she opened her mouth and jumped few times on Ana’s lap, then turned her eyes again at the pool.

“Hey, how do you know what she is saying?” Alexey asked looking at me with wide eyes, Ana squeezed Eva harder, again kissing her fluffy cheek.

“I don’t. Just trying to guess.” When I shrugged, Alexey started giggling and I quickly looked at my phone, about this time Shuusei must be skating his Short program, I will need to watch a recording later.

“Hikari!! Davai!” Ana even leaned forward and we both with Alexey rolled eyes at the same time. At least Eva looks almost as same excited as Ana, she couldn't stop clapping with her small hands and my heart was feeling warm from this view.

Today he was swimming 100 meters freestyle, not his favorite one, but I knew that when Hikari is in the water he just enjoys it. He was also skating, but we both with Yuuri decided that first, he must set priority to that activity he likes the most. For me, it didn’t really matter as long as he felt happy. You can show love everywhere. My heart was pounding the same, watching how Shuusei is skating or Hikari swims… at some point, I felt like I am there with them. I held my breath after the signal when everyone jumped into the pool at the same time. In my heart, I knew, that he is the best… all my children are the best, the same as my husband there is how it should be. But even if he was swimming even so much faster than others, I couldn’t let my eyes down even for a second. It was his art, the way he swims was already beautiful at his age, so I could feel that one day I will be sitting at the World’s championship. I knew this. I had to believe. Who else would?

“Yeees!!!” Ana screamed and Eva together with her let the happy sound out when in the board Hikari’s name came first. Ana left a kiss on Eva’s cheek, then she turned to me with a smile. Even if usually I could just sit calmly and watch but not today. I felt tears in my eyes seeing how my son gets out from the pool and waves for me with a big smile on his face, I also waved back. I was proud and he knew that. When I looked at my cousins they were kissing. Ana always had this how to call it… the kissing problem when she gets too excited and Eva, at last, was interested in something else, she was staring at them. Stare as much as you want, because you won’t be kissing anybody for at least 29 years more. I will protect my princess.

 

  
“Vitya… you should go to London.” Alexey said when we were waiting for Hikari not far away from the exit, I told him to dry himself normally because it was freezing cold outside and Yuuri would kick me sleep in the bathroom if Hika catches a cold because of me.

“Yeah, I was thinking maybe we will go to see Gala.” Eva was sitting on the registration desk and I tried to make her put gloves on, but she didn’t want to. Yes, this one she also took from me… she loved taking clothes off, not putting them on.

“No… Alexey mean… like now. Today. If you go today, you can still make it to Shuusei’s Free Program and Yuuri would get a heart attack from happiness if you show up there on his birthday.” Ana finished Alexey’s sentence and that made me turn my head at them. They must be kidding me. Where would I leave Eva and Hikari then? The answer was obvious and it was standing in front of me, but…

“Vitya. We already bought you a ticket, you can’t say no. We will take care of them, doh. Or we will come all together next day. Come on. Don’t you miss doing something reckless in your life?” Alexy asked like I was a really old man. Well… alright, I didn’t want to admit that, but I was kind of. Even if I didn’t look like that. While looking at me and Yuuri most of the people repeated that age is just a number for us. We looked really young. Of course, I loved my family routine, but doing something so… spontaneous… why I am even thinking…

“It was Hikari’s idea, by the way…” that was Ana’s final words. Oh, God.

 

* * *

 

**Yuuri**

* * *

 

**2036 November 28.**  
**~8 p.m. London**

“Victor! Finally, you picked up the phone. I was trying to reach you for ages!” I didn’t let him start speaking. As soon as I heard the answer sound I started yelling at him. Good thing that I went outside and not started doing this at the restaurant. It was cold because I didn’t put my coat. To be honest, I was already without hope that he will pick up. I have been trying to reach him all day and I was really mad that he didn’t call me. Isn’t he interested in Shuusei’s Short program? Also, I wanted to know how was Hikari’s tournament and how Eva is doing. He was acting selfishly.

“Yuuri, sorry… I… couldn’t pick up. What are you doing?” he asked with such calm voice that I almost opened my mouth. What?

“What I am doing? Seriously? Are you making fun of me, Nikiforov? Is everything alright?” My hand which was holding a phone was trembling and I couldn’t say was it because of the cold or because I was really angry. And even if his voice was calm, I just had a feeling that something is not how it should be. It’s so not like Victor. In the morning we were chatting non-stop and then he suddenly just disappeared.

“Yuuri.” My name from his lips said using this tone, made suddenly all bad feelings just go away. Just in this one word, he was able to put so much love. Okay… okay… everything must be alright, there has to be an explanation, of course.

“We are having dinner with everyone in the center… Phichit brought us to some fancy Thai restaurant. Knowing him, I think it’s one of the most expensive in whole London… eh…” I tried to turn my voice into a happy one, but I didn’t really succeed. Why suddenly I feel like crying? Because actually, I wish he would be also here with me? Or because I was so worried all day that finally hearing his voice was a real relief.

“I see… well, have a great dinner. I have to go now.” After few seconds of silence, he answered and then ended the call leaving me literally frozen like a statue. And hurt a little bit. Well, the word a little bit wasn't right one now. We didn’t have any secrets with Victor and now…

I just left for a few days and he is doing something. I really got scared that something happened and he just doesn’t want to tell me because I am so far away and I won’t be able to help. What if something happened during Hikari’s competition? I tried to call Ana and Alexey, but they also didn’t pick up. After that, I just went back to the restaurant, because of the wind my cheeks were blushed, so nobody will see that I cried.

“From your face, I can tell, that you didn’t manage to reach him,” Simon said, when I came back and sat next to Shuusei, who quickly looked at me, I know that he was also worried, but his face wasn’t full of emotions like mine.

“I did… but he didn’t want to talk.” I sighed looking at the menu because I still haven’t ordered anything. I felt how Shuusei takes my hand under the table and that everyone else is staring at me.

“Maybe he is having an affair?” I didn’t have to look up to say who said that. “Oh, come on Yuuri… I am sure everything is fine. Victor wouldn’t hide something important, you know.” Sometimes even Phichit knows what to say, but it’s really rare. Do I really look so bad?

“Sucks to admit, but Phichit is right. Anyway, you can’t do anything now, so just try to enjoy your time here. I will lose appetite if you are going to show this disgusting face for a little bit longer.” Yurio sighed and I could almost feel how he is rolling eyes even if I didn’t look at him.

“Yuri.” Otabek coughed few times.

“What? I am just saying that it’s not like someone is dying here. Victor probably is stuck in sex toys shop or something.” I quickly raised my head and looked right at Yurio’s eyes. There was a dead silence for a second until Phichit started giggling and everyone joined him, even Seung-Gil smiled, except three children here who couldn’t understand this or Shuusei was too young to remember this.

“Again… those inside jokes. They make us feel like total idiots. Could someone explain at least?” Ekaterina, who was sitting next to Shuusei covered her face with a palm like she would be so done with this shit going around. Every time when she does something like that, I can’t think of anyone else just Yurio. She even had blond hair. Next to her, Jeong was sitting. Actually, he was more like Phichit than Seung-Gil, so sometimes I felt sorry for that man. How should it feel to have two Phichits in the house? But this trio… Shuusei, Katya, and Jeong were best friends for as long as I can remember, it just somehow happened that we adopted them more or less at the same time and they were around the same age. All of them were participating in Grand Prix final, for Shuusei and Katya it was the first time and for Jeong already second, he ended up 4th last year.

“Oh, is it that time with an earthquake?” suddenly Jeong asked and looked at Phichit waiting for confirmation. Of course, I had to know that Phichit must be telling this as a bedtime story for his son.

“Jeong. No.” Instead of Phichit, Shuusei answered for him and that made him shut up. We could make a lot of jokes about various stuff, but word earthquake was not funny for him. We never tried to hide from Shuusei what happened to his real parents because he deserved to know. He survived because they protected him. He should be proud, but this topic was quite sensitive.

“Sorr-“

“Oh. My. God. Only Victor Nikiforov can enter restaurant like this.” Suddenly Phichit’s loud voice woke everyone up from the strange atmosphere and we raised our head just to see this incredible and actually unexplainable view.

It wasn’t a dream. I swear, I even pressed Shuusei’s hand harder, but I didn’t wake up. Victor was really here, walking towards us with that luxurious black coat that I bought him last year like he had just stepped out from some sort of model magazine cover. His back was straight and chin a little bit up like he would totally own this place. The confidence was just floating out of him. I froze and I heated up again around thousand times when he was walking like in a slow motion action movie.

“Ta-dam! I bet I am a better surprise than any Thai dish.” Victor just said this raising his hands up, while everyone was staring at him with opened mouth or with poker face depending on the person.

“Oh my god… why…” Yurio covered his face with the menu, but I could tell that he is smiling behind it.

“Daaaad?? How- how did you get here??” Shuusei smiled so widely, looking at Victor and quickly got up to meet him. I knew. I knew from the start, that even if he said that everything is alright, he wanted Victor to be here as much as I wanted or even more. He was always with him and even if he totally understood that this time it couldn’t be helped it was still hard. So even if everyone were staring he didn’t hide his shining face at all. I still remember that stage when he was little... Shuusei just couldn’t stop saying that he will marry Victor when he grows up.

“Oooh, just stopped by.” Victor laughed and wrapped his arm around Shuusei’s shoulders then looked right at Katya. “Are you still keeping him under your feet?” he laughed naturally and instead of blushing, Katerina raised her thumb.

“Koneshna, Vitya.” ( _rus._ Sure, Vitya.)

“Eeeh? What’s that suppose to mean?” Shuusei was looking at Victor and Katia like he couldn’t decide who of them will be in a bigger mess because of this.

“Nandemonai.” ( _jap_. It’s nothing.) Victor really innocently shook his head, but everyone saw that smirk he sent towards a blond girl.

“Niet, ser'yezno. Chto proiskhodit?” ( _rus_. No, seriously. What’s going on?) Shuusei wasn’t naïve at all, and he didn’t like secrets. But knowing Victor is probably something funny or really silly.

“I said already… it’s nothing.” Victor still was standing on his track.

“Sō wa omoimasen.” ( _jap_. I don’t think so.) Shuusei stepped away from Victor, but he didn’t seem mad. I actually never saw him getting mad at someone, but they were always so honest with each other that he got lost even over this small thing. He even started speaking a little bit too polite.

“Can you use just one language, damn it? This is so annoying!” of course Yurio was the one who said that because he still didn’t know Japanese and he couldn’t understand some parts. Until Yurio's words, I didn’t even understand that they were talking in Russian, English and Japanese at the same time. It was already really natural for my ears. At home, we can speak while using all three of them without any problems, but for our friends, it was still too complicated.

“Noo! Dad! Come on.” After Victor whispered something into Shuusei’s ear he flinched and blushed at the same time. It was because everyone was staring. Of course, I didn’t know what Victor told him, but I was almost sure that if we would be home now, both of them would be laughing now. It was also natural. What was unnatural here… is me. I was still sitting in the same position from the moment Victor walked here. I wanted to jump, I wanted to hug him, but at the same time, I wanted to grab his coat and shake him really hard. Victor finally looked right at my eyes.

“Yuuri. You. Me. Toilet. Now.” He turned around and just started walking I slowly stood up and clearly heard how Phichit stars silently giggling with his son. Some things just never change or even gets more complicated. Before I even said something, Victor quickly dragged me into the bathroom and locked the door. Despite that, I was the first who quickly wrapped arms around him and pressed him as hard as I could.

“I knew that you are up to something, but this was a whole new level of surprise.” I murmured taking a deep breath of his smell. The scent of home. My heart was beating so fast, even if I still couldn’t found one word how to describe my feelings.

“Really? Should I start doing surprises more often?” he softly murmured holding lips on my hair and I wanted to shake my head, but also nod, not sure. “Are you seriously mad? I thought you will be happy.” When his voice became a little bit sad, I quickly looked up until our eyes met, it’s not like that…

“Baka, Victor… of course, I am happy.” Actually, just like a few minutes ago I was really mad. “It’s just I was really worried… you got me unprepared.” Seeing those little sparkles in his eyes was the only proof that actually the idea succeeded. But my happiness would be exactly the same, even if I knew that he is coming.

“It’s a birthday surprise... and yesterday at night I had a really awful nightmare and there was no one to give me a kiss.” He leaned forward, taking my chin between his fingers and I strongly pressed my back against the wall, but at the same time, his words almost killed me.

“What? Are you a kid? Did you come here for a kiss? Unbelievable.” My words made Victor freeze for a second and I used the moment to give him a kiss. What should I do with him? Even after all these years, he was still like a big child. Sometimes at home, I was getting a feeling that I have four children instead of three. Just this one also had more needs than others.

“I saaaid, it’s a birthday surprise.” He unsuccessfully tried to look really serious, but I just gave him another small kiss.

“Yeah, so you locked us in the toilet… very mature.” I don’t know why while looking at that a little bit confused face of his, I couldn’t stop teasing. To be honest, every last bit of anxiety inside me was gone. Like always, when Victor is next to me, magic happens. “Now everyone will think that we are doing… something… here.” It’s literally have been just one day since I saw him, but as soon as our eyes met, I couldn’t stop looking at him. Victor was… beautiful. Maybe someone could say that it’s because I love him, but it’s not just this. He was truly gorgeous, despite his real age still looking like a model. Only mine. After all this time, it’s even hard to tell who became more protective me or him.

“So what. Let them think… that we are doing something dirty.” He silently laughed and pressed me strongly with his body against the wall. And honestly, me… the middle age man locked in the toilet with husband and laughing like we would have turned twenty years back shouldn’t sound normal, but I was smiling like an idiot and I couldn’t stop. Maybe it’s true that some things are getting more funnier to do with age.

“I couldn’t get any better birthday present, love.” I grabbed his hair and kissed him again, but this time holding lips longer and stronger that I could take every drop of his breath. I wish that the day when we have to celebrate important dates separately would never come.

“Alexey and Ana said that you will be happy.” Victor happily announced after leaving some more small kisses on my cheeks and next to my lips. I knew. I just knew it that there must be more Nikiforovs behind this. I wouldn’t be even surprised if Hikari would be also the one who tried to convince him to come here. But how could I be mad at all of them? Those people just know me too well.

“Of course they said this. But… I hope… that you didn’t leave Eva and Hikari just like that.” Alright, maybe I shouldn’t have said this, but it was just some kind of instinct, I had to ask about my babies, even if I knew that Victor would never leave them like that. No surprise that suddenly my husband’s face got frozen, he stepped back and touched the lock to open the door.

“Sure. I left them both half naked in the middle of Saint Petersburg. Vic-chan also.” He rolled eyes and opened the door. It’s not like that, damn it!

“Victor… what I wan-“ I suddenly shut my mouth in the middle of the sentence because there were few people waiting in the line behind the door. Oh, God. Even if I tried to pretend that two of us walking out of a bathroom together is a totally normal thing, but my cheeks still got blushed like someone would have set my face on fire. Really mature.

 

 

 

**2036 November 29.**  
**~00:01 a.m. London**

“Happy Birthday!!” Victor and Shuusei happily shouted. My son was holding a small cupcake in his hands, the best cake that they were able to find after our dinner because everything was already closed. We were already in our room in the hotel, just three of us and that was more than enough for me. Even if I said that we don’t have to wait until the midnight and Shuusei needed to rest before tomorrow they still both insisted. And believe me, when they are doing something together it’s impossible to change their minds.

“Thank you.” I bet my face was shining from happiness because that’s how it felt when Victor gave me a quick kiss and Shuusei kissed my cheek. “Do… I really have to eat it now? Maybe we can share.” I asked when Shuusei gave me a cupcake, it wasn’t a big one, but I would better leave it for breakfast.

“Oh no no no, you are eating it now. Show us your tummy… after Grand Prix, you can both with Shuusei again eat tons of Katsudon and become all chubby. I love that.” Victor started reaching for me, but I quickly jumped back, poor Shuusei wasn’t so quick so Victor got a chance to wrap arms around his waist and I got a good view of their small fight. What can I do that we were both like that, it was extremely easy to gain weight.

“Daaaaaad, please stoooop.” Shuusei wanted to be mad at him, but he couldn’t. No one can get mad at Victor. I probably should and could help him, but then will become a victim. So, sorry… someone has to do sacrifices. But Shuusei didn’t have to be worried about this as it was the end of the season his body was in perfect shape.

“Hikari would probably jump on Victor in order to help you.” I said the fact when finally Shuusei somehow managed to push Victor away and run across the room. I was already in my safe zone, sitting on the bed.

“And Eva would be sitting without any clothes on her,” Victor added with the innocent face coming closer and sat next to me. We were already getting ready to sleep so I and Shuusei were wearing bathrobes and I gave for Victor my pants which obviously were too short for him. He was half naked, but nothing to worry about. Not like us, Victor was in a perfect shape all year.

“I wish they would be here.” Shuusei sighed tying his bathrobe tighter. After seeing that Victor won’t attack him anymore he came back and quickly got in the bed, covered himself with a blanket.

“They will come to watch your performance in Gala,” Victor promised with a smile and used the moment when Shuuei covered his face with a blanket to touch my tummy, I quickly slapped his hand. And hoped that Victor will be able to control himself just for one night. “What did you said?” Victor asked. Because I was distracted by Victor I couldn’t hear it, but obviously, Shuusei murmured something that I missed.

“… I need to win a medal for that.” He repeated and I sighed. It’s not like he didn’t trust himself, I mean after his short program Shuusei was in third place right now, so he had a lot of chance to win a medal. But maybe the tense around was just too big, everyone was great this year and there wasn’t a big difference between results. I looked at Victor, but he was looking just at Shuusei’s bed with a calm face.

“So… you don’t like to skate?” he finally asked and I felt like I should leave them a moment to talk because I was also a ball of anxiety... so even if I wanted to support my son, I wasn't that good as Victor at this.

“What’s with this question?” Shuusei quickly removed the blanket from his face, dark messy hair covered his eyes so he quickly moved them and then pointed his clear blue eyes at Victor. “Of course I like skating. I love it. But there are many good skaters and that LL with his style…”

“Stop. You don’t have to think about others. It’s enough for you to know that you love skating. As long as you know and you show this to others it will be enough. We believe in you.” Victor leaned forward and, as our beds were really close, he easily reached Shuusei with his hand, touched his hair.

I don’t know why at that second I got a clear view in front of my eyes. Of Shuusei around five years old and Victor kneeling next to his bed, touching his hair exactly the same way. Shuusei was crying because someone made fun that day of his favorite bunny toy. And Victor said that it doesn’t matter what others say, as long as Shuusei likes the bunny he should just be happy. Never listen to others, just be in yourself. It was important, from the very beginning we repeated the same for him… we are always there for him. And seeing how Shuusei grew up now made me think that time passed by really quickly, maybe one day he won’t need us anymore. But… his family will be the only one place where he can return no matter what. We will always accept him in the way he is.

“And who the hell is LL style?” suddenly Victor asked waking me up from thoughts and Shuusei quickly covered his head with the blanket again.

“Don’t even ask…” I shook my head, I will tell Victor later, but I think he actually knows what’s going on. I laid under the blanket and Victor walked to turn off the light, I still saw question marks inside his eyes. Oh my, he still can’t guess or what? But on the other side, Victor is like that, he doesn’t keep things inside his head which are not important for him.

When he got under the blanket next to me, just then I started regretting that we didn’t take a separated room with a bigger bed for this night. I can’t say that we didn’t fit, but lying next to each other so close on my birthday, when actually I would like to get another kind of a gift right now… this night will be a little bit difficult. It’s already getting difficult because Victor suddenly grabbed my leg and made me hug him with it, we moved a little bit closer until our chests touched. I couldn’t help just giggle silently.

“I love you so much.” He left these words on my lips, like something really sweet and my fingers on his side started to tremble a little bit.

“I love you too…” I sighed back the same and we kissed. Yes, just kissed… we always do that. No matter how many years have passed we never got tired of kissing and saying sweet words to each other. And I swear every time I say or hear that he loves me chills ran down my spine. But the feeling is not cold, it’s so warm and makes me feel alive. How much can you be devoted to your other half… at the point when even the air doesn’t seem as a principal condition to survive. Because you are breathing with him. Yes. Even after all these years. Because my other half of the soul was there behind me, protecting me. Protecting us. As long as I have Victor's love. As long… as we will be walking together the age doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. No one can drag us down as long as we are holding on together.

“What if…-“

“Heeey… come on. I really love you both, but I need to sleep.” Shuusei said it too loud and we both flinched, Victor looked over my shoulder and I pressed my smiling lips to his neck.

“Or maybe let’s push beds and sleep all three of us together? Like old good times. Remember, Shuusei, you loved sleeping between us.” Victor was talking casually like always, but I bet my poor boy was lying all blushed. Well, as long as Victor doesn’t start talking like this next to other people I can deal with this teasing.

“I… don’t… re-member… No thank you, I am alright like this...” From Shuusei’s voice, I could have guessed that he is even more embarrassed than I thought he will be.

“Every night coming to our bedroom, that you could have “papa only for yourself” and I wouldn't hurt him. Talking about this... Hikari heard how we had sex the night before you left.” Victor laughed like telling a good joke, but I suddenly flinched and pressed my palms to Victor’s chest. I really wanted to push him a little bit from me. But he was like a stone. Damn it, why he is telling this now??

“I am not sure that I wanted to hear that… seriously.” Shuusei murmured even more silently than before.

“Vic-tor… can you be more serious?” I asked, trying to fix this. Can he just say that it was a joke or something… or he just enjoys himself seeing how we are losing our patient.

“What? I mean we were having sex next to Shuusei a lot when he was a little… and sleeping… and-“

“DAD!! OH GOD. IS THAT TRUE???” Shuusei jumped in the bed.

“VI-CTOR DAMN NIKIFOROV! Of course, it’s not true!” I suddenly pushed Victor even harder and he only let the short gasp when he fell from the bed. “You are sleeping on the floor tonight. Or in the bathroom. I don’t care. Go and fix your hormones.” I was looking at his dark silhouette sitting on the floor and he still somehow managed smiling like after winning a grand prize of some important lottery.

“But only you can fix my hormo-“

“Niet niet niet! Ya nekhochu eto slyshat'.” ( _rus._ No no no! I don't want to hear this.) I quickly looked at Shuusei who was sitting with his ears covered. I got out of the bed. It seems that it can’t be helped after all. Like I said, Victor is just a big child. He always was. And what’s the most important, he always wins.

“You wanted this, Victor, right?” I suddenly grabbed his hand and dragged out of the room. We will need to get a separated room in the registration. I hope they will have one.

“Tabun.” ( _jap._ Maybe) from his smile when I was dragging him half-naked through the whole hotel I understood that it’s not maybe at all.

 

 

  
**2036 November 29.**  
**~3 p.m. London**

“You did great, Jeong! It was perfect.” Katia hugged him strongly and Shuusei also joined them, he was taller than both of his friends. Jeong just finished his free program and stepped out of the rink.

“Oh guys, I love you!” Jeong hugged them back and then quickly waved for Phichit to do the photo. Of course. “Shuusei, show them what you got!” Jeong smiled and Katerina nodded, but my son couldn’t answer to them, he just tried to smile. I saw how his lips shivered a little bit. He let go of his friends and Jeong went with his parents to see results, Shuusei with trembling hands took off his protectors from blades. Damn it, I have never seen him so worried before. I quickly looked at Victor asking for help. When Shuusei stepped in the ice rink he stopped in front of us and took a deep breath.

“Winning is not the most important thing, right?” he asked as if he was not really sure about this thought. I ran through his outfit with my eyes – black pants, white shirt, and suspenders, he looked perfect. I was already proud of him being here in the final and… winning is really not that important. It never was.

“Of course not, love. We just want you to feel good, show how much you love what you are doing. It’s enough.” I smiled at him because Victor still didn't say a word, but he should have. Only he knows what to say.

“But I hope you know that in Nikiforov family we accept gold only.” But when he finally spoke I really wished that he didn’t. That wasn’t the best-supporting phrase that he could have said to our son.

“Well… I have a silver-“

“We don’t talk about this dark past.” Victor didn’t even let me finish the sentence. Shuusei took Victor's right hand and pressed it hard. “Why are you afraid? Your program is the best. It really is.” Victor spoke after looking at their hands.

“I don’t know… maybe… that people won’t be able to feel the love that I want to give them.” Shuusei sighed, but Victor suddenly made him lean forward and hugged him hard, even my heart stopped beating for a second. He used to hug me like this before skating. Victor had so much love inside him that it would be enough for everyone here and Shuusei… he was exactly the same. I saw that he whispered something into Shuusei’s ear, but even if I was standing close enough I couldn’t hear what it was. But my boy after hearing that looked really surprised... surprised, but at the same time, I saw how confidence comes back to his eyes. Victor let him go, but they were still holding hands. With his free hand, Shuusei took mine and I pressed his fingers.

“I will show them this. You will be proud of me.” He promised and nodded. For a few seconds more we were looking at each other and then I felt that I am not holding Shuusei’s hand anymore, I was holding Victor’s. Shuusei smiled to us and then slid backwards towards the middle of the rink.

“What have you told him?” I silently asked, still looking at the rink, but suddenly… somehow… and I don’t even know why I felt tears in my eyes. My lips started to shiver and heart pounding so fast like it hasn't been pounding in years. Victor wrapped his free arm around my shoulders and pressed me against his side. Where I belong. I felt his lips on my forehead and then the first tear slowly ran down my cheek. My chest hurts. But it hurts so good.

“You already know this… and I thought that it’s about time for him to learn this too.” He sighed and something wet run through my face again. But this tear wasn’t mine.

I guess… even before the performance started, Shuusei was already our champion. He was from the very beginning. From the first second when I saw his clear blue eyes and he saved our life. And these tears… were only happy ones. Darkness has left our life long ago. I looked down when Victor let go of my hand, he opened his palm and showed me what Shuusei has put in his hand. Damn it. I thought that I can’t cry more than this. I was wrong. There was a key lying in his hand. The same key.

Yes, I perfectly know what Victor has told to Shuusei.

“Victor…” my voice cracked for a second, but I couldn’t let the sound.

“Me too… Yuuri. Me too. With all my heart.”

* * *

**Shuusei**

* * *

 

Watching at them from the middle of the rink always gives me different feelings. But never bad ones. I never wished for better parents. I never thought that I want something more than I have now. They gave me everything that they could and I was ready to give them back everything I can. My heart was beating because of them. And I feel strong because they were always there. Growing up and seeing how much love two persons can feel for each other gave me hope. Love that never ends… how could I be different? I couldn’t. I wanted everyone to know how it really feels to be loved. To love. So those words that dad told me… I think, inside my heart… I knew them all along. But finally hearing those from his lips… to me… made me realize for sure… after all…

“We call everything on the ice…

“Shuusei Katsuki – Nikiforov represents Russia! Today he will be skating the arrangement for violin of the song “History Maker” by…”

… _love_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes about things which weren't mentioned but might be important:  
> * Eva is biological Victor's and Yuuri's child. And NOT. Yuuri didn't get pregnant. If you want to know how is it possible I suggest you reading about becoming parents through Surrogacy. Keep in mind that since it's 2036, medicine improved even more.  
> *Ekaterina, Katya, Katia, Katerina are all synonyms of the same name. She is Yurio's and Otabek's only child. The one they adopted in 2023.  
> *Jeong child of Phichit and Seung has a little brother, but he is not mentioned in this chapter because he is left with Seung's parents in South Korea.  
> *Shuusei didn't participate in Grand Prix Final when he was 15 because at the time he had a flu.  
> *Shuusei is 16 y.o. , Katia 15 y.o. and Jeong 16 y.o.  
> *For Gala exhibition all three of them (Katya, Shuusei and Jeong) have prepared one performance.  
> *What is the key that Shuusei gave to Victor? Go back to chapter "Victor's Heart" ^^
> 
> I am open for any question related to this chapter about their future ^^


	27. UNBROKEN HEART SERIES ALTERNATE ENDING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only… if only I haven’t put those skates…
> 
> Everything could be different… there would be no pain, no tears… no broken hearts. 
> 
> Everyone would be happy… everything would be perfect.
> 
> If only.

**2018, November 15.**

“Yuuri are you thinking about me?” silent and sweet voice murmured next to my ear, I could feel his hot breathing as his lips were almost touching my ear. His chest was touching my back so his heartbeat was going through my all body. He wrapped arms around my waist and kissed the top of my ear. I opened my eyes. I was in the restroom in front of the mirror, holding the edge of the sink, I wanted to take a few moments to myself before going on the ice. I saw a reflection of me in the mirror, brown eyed and black haired man with a serious face, I was already in the mood for my free program that I was working on all this year. Behind me, a man with silver hair and deep blue eyes was looking right into my face in the mirror with that smile of his, the thing I loved the most because this smile was only for me.

Suddenly something inside me cracked, strange feeling that I couldn’t explain in words. I have seen this somewhere. Could I call this déjà vu? Heart in my chest started beating so fast that all my body trembled. What’s that?

“Victor.” I turned around faster than I wanted and looked at him with wide eyes, like seeing for the first time. That strange feeling inside didn’t want to let me go. Victor leaned forward and left a kiss on my forehead. This warmth was real, he was here. There must be only one explanation about my condition. Damn it, that anxiety. “I don’t know why I feel a little bit more nervous than always.” I sighed and looked right into his eyes. The color of ocean and sky is everything that I needed in my life. Victor hugged me tighter.

“You shouldn’t be. I will be watching you like always.” After Victor's words I raised my head a little bit to kiss him, that was a small kiss, but just with it, I could feel how strengths and confidence are coming back to me. On the other side, Victor felt everything, what I was feeling right now. The full package of anxiety. “You are right… something is different about you today. It is because we didn’t have sex last night?” He asked after the kiss, I couldn’t help myself just roll my eyes, but even this didn’t help to get rid of bad feeling completely. Feeling like… I shouldn’t be skating today. What’s happening to me? I should have joked about something… something related to sex, just to wipe this tense away, but I couldn’t make myself to make any dirty jokes.

“Right… I should get ready.” I softly touched his face and Victor stepped back, with a fully surprised face. I understand him, it’s not like me to ignore his question especially like this one. But I couldn’t do anything this time. Maybe after my performance, I will feel better.

“Yuuri, are you feeling alright?” he asked when I opened the bathroom’s door. Victor’s fingers softly slid down through my arm and touched my palm. I took his hand into mine and pressed it.

“I think so… see you next to the rink.” I tried to smile, but unsuccessfully. And just a few minutes ago, I thought that I am fully ready for this. I guess not. No matter how many times I go to the rink, this feeling won’t leave me, this time it’s even stronger. Something is scratching my heart. Like… I shouldn’t be doing something… but what?

I changed my clothes and looked at the new pair of skates that I brought with me today. I was sure that I want to wear them today, I wanted to mark the start of the new beginning. But now while looking at them, I wasn’t so sure…. Damn it. What’s happening to me? I didn’t have much time to decide, so I just put on my old skates. To explain this simple… I just wanted this to be over. As soon as possible. I don’t feel good today, I just want to come back home with Victor… and… I don’t know. But not here, not like this. Victor, of course, was waiting for me next to the rink, he smiled widely after seeing me and I came closer, hugged him right away. I need his energy right now.

“Watch me, love.” I asked pressing my body even closer to his.

“Mochiron!” (Of course) It’s rare to hear Victor speaking Japanese, and with such happy voice. I could bet, that he looked at google translator how to say this before I came here. Anyway, Victor reached his goal, after hearing this, I smiled widely and then let him go.

My dream came true. Performance passed so quickly, that it seemed that I just stepped into the rink, but a few moments later, after successful last Tuck Axel jump, I was already standing with my hands raised, giving my thanks for the audience who was shouting and applauding. I was right. After this, every last drop of anxiety was gone. I smiled so hard like I have never smiled in my life before. There is nothing to worry about. Now I was even glad that I didn’t put new skates because, with these old ones, I felt truly myself. I waved to everyone the last time and slid towards the exit of the rink, where Victor was already waiting for me. He was waiting. With a little box in his hand. He kneeled and even before I realized what’s going on, tears started appearing in my eyes.

“Yuuri, will you marry me?”

  
**2023, April 24.**

  
“Yuuri, you really don’t want to go with me, pleaaaase?” Haruki stopped in front of me and took my face between his palms, I rolled my eyes. I don’t want to go, I told him like million times already. Sometimes he is so annoying. I can’t even.

“No… I will just… go to drink some coffee. It’s just an audition.” I smiled at him and he sighed, giving up. It’s not like I didn’t like listening how Haruki is playing, it’s just if I am there, I will be even more worried for him. And anxiety is something that I really try to avoid.

“Okay, I will make sure to make it quick. After that, we can go to eat dinner somewhere.” He quickly kissed me before I moved my head and then ran towards metro station. Oh. I don’t like doing these things in public, it makes me feel uncomfortable. But somehow I couldn’t help just smile this time. He is such child sometimes. At least really beautiful one.

Once he was gone in the crowd, I turned around and started going. It’s been at least few years since I haven’t been in Tokyo. I didn’t want to go this time either, but Haruki kept asking and begging me until I just couldn’t resist. If he really gets this job in orchestra… then he will have to move to Tokyo. We didn’t talk about this, but I am not sure that I want to go live here. I like Hatsetsu. I like that quiet place and all those people I know. And here… here I will always feel alone. I guess he won’t be happy about this, as his lover I should go with Haruki and comfort him. It’s… just… even after all this time… I am not sure what I am… feeling towards him. I could say that it’s love… of course, I love him, but… I don't know how.

“Summimasen!” I quickly said, when I bumped into someone and had to step few steps back. Damn it, I should at least look where I am going… I raised my head, to look at the person in front of me. And at the same moment, I died. My heart stopped beating, my brain stopped working, every muscle inside my body froze. What… what… it must be a dream. I must be dreaming. What. What is he doing in Japan? In this part of the world?

“Yu… uri???” Even Victor’s voice cracked, I was sure he was surprised the same as I was. So I can be sure that he didn’t follow me. It’s really just a coincidence. Really unexplainable coincidence. Awkward… meeting your ex-husband in the place like this, when you are not even prepared for this thing. I haven’t seen Victor for almost three years now, I could never be ready for this kind of meeting.

“What… what are you doing here, Victor??” I couldn’t help myself just ask this thing. There must be an explanation to all of this. Maybe someone told him, that I am here or something… but from the other side, there is no reason why Victor Nikiforov would be searching for me. There is nothing between us, just a past… and from his face, I could see that he totally forgot about it already. Victor was smiling widely, like after seeing an old and good friend. That squeezed my heart. I should just go away. But I couldn’t stop staring. Victor’s hair grew up, they were long again, but despite this, he hasn't changed at all… not even a bit. I could say that he looks even more gorgeous than before. What’s happening to me…

“You haven’t heard of the competition in Tokyo after few days? I am one of the judges.” He answered with such calm voice that it made my heart jump even faster, something is holding my throat. I don’t understand, what kind of feeling is that. I mean… I was sure that I don’t feel anything towards Victor. I don’t have any right to feel. I won’t deny it… it was hard to forget him, it’s still hard… but…

“You know…. I am not skating. So… I didn’t have any idea.” If I had, I wouldn’t come to Tokyo for sure. I don't skate anymore… I am not even watching competitions. I hate skating. I can’t handle watching it. Especially because there was a huge chance that I might see Victor. I have been avoiding everything that could remind me of him.

“Of course… Do you have time? Let’s go for a coffee.” In one second like with the wind, his smile was wiped away. Victor didn’t wait for an answer. He grabbed my hand and dragged me into the nearest coffee shop. A small one, with a red roof. I have never been here before. “Sit down, I will go buy us a drink. It’s latte for you, right?” he asked, and when I nodded he went towards the bar. I sat down on the chair and sighed. What the hell? Why am I even listening to him? What will we talk about? We don’t have any topic in common. I am getting sick of this. It all feels like a dream, maybe it is?

Everything happened so quickly. I couldn’t help just feel lost. Should I write something for Haruki? I took my phone, there was a news field on the screen. The first article was about some Doctor from Russia who killed another doctor. The man who was killed was Japanese, but he lived in London all his life, first I saw his name – Simon Nimizuki… right, the name really doesn’t sound like Japanese one, but from the photo, he really looked like a nice man. It’s been almost a week that everyone is talking about this murder… as I know, that doctor from Russia is still hiding somewhere. We are living in a creepy world.

Someone next to me laughed and I raised my head. The laugh was beautiful and pure, the same as a child who was laughing. He had dark hair and bright blue eyes. They reminded me… of Victor. Damn, everything now reminds me of him, because he is buying a coffee for me. The boy also saw me, he smiled and waved with his toy, I waved him back.

“Shuusei, what are you doing? Leave the poor boy alone.” His mother spoke in English, she was a foreigner and his father went to ask something at the bar, he was Japanese, so the boy had dark hair and those clear blue eyes, even brighter than his mother’s. “I am really sorry…” she smiled at me but I just shook my head, it’s nothing. I am still used that everyone around calls me boy, but I think I was the same age as Shuusei's mother. The boy was still holding the toy, looking at me with the same smile – heartwarming. So I slowly reached to take the toy.

“You have a really beautiful toy, Shuusei,” I said this and put the dog back on the table, the boy still with blushed cheeks took it back to his arms and pressed hard against the chest. Jeez, he is really beautiful. And I saw that his parents are totally in love with their son, the way they looked at him was more than every child would have ever wanted. I left that perfect family alone and turned back to my table. If I stare too much, it will be strange. I still was feeling that the little boy is looking at me with those deep blue eyes, as he wants to talk with me. But at the same moment, Victor came back holding a cup of latte for me and a cup of black coffee for himself. He looked at the boy for a one second, but then his eyes came back to me, giving me goosebumps. That made me forget about the boy next to us.

“I don’t really know what we are doing here, Victor…” I said, not even touching latte. I don’t want coffee at all. I just want to go back to Hatsetsu right now. Really? That’s what my brains were saying, but I am not sure about my heart it was going insane in my chest and I felt like I was about to start crying any moment.

“So… how are you doing? Are you here alone in Tokyo?” he asked, completely ignoring my question. So I didn’t answer to him. I kept staring because it was the only thing I was capable of doing right now. He is so close… it can’t be a reality, right? “Oh…. By the way how is Phichit doing? You two were close, no?” I almost gasped after Victor's question. So he is changing the subject now? Why are we even talking about Phichit? Anyway, it’s better to talk about him and not about me.

“We… are not close. But as I know he is working at literature editing department right now and he is also a writer.” I started speaking quietly as if Victor shouted at me. But he didn’t. He was still smiling and that hurt me even more. I didn’t lie. The last time I talked with Phichit was like six months ago, he asked me to send some photos from those time when I was still skating. But I didn’t have any. So we talked a bit about our lives, but that’s pretty much. Phichit was really busy, as I understood he is still single and doesn’t have time for any relationship. Maybe it’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship like mine. I am not really sure what I am feeling. Suddenly I got embarrassed. I don’t want Victor to find out that I have a boyfriend.

“I see…” Victor drank a little bit of his coffee and I saw that he wants to say something again, but this time I was faster.

“And how is Yurio doing? You are not his coach?” I asked, not because I was really interested, but because I didn’t want him to give a chance ask about me. This conversation is so awkward. What else was I expecting?

“Yurio… oh… no. You remember that his grandfather got really ill and they broke up with Otabek? So… after all this Yurio was really depressed... and you probably don’t know this, but about month later when we got divorced, his grandfather died. After that, he quit skating and I wasn’t able to reach him. I heard from Chris that he met Yurio not long ago in New York, but I am not sure what he is doing there.” I opened my mouth after this story. I didn’t know… after I moved from Russia I didn’t know anything about people who were my friends long ago. Everything changed so much. Including us. Me and Victor. We are not the same. Just look at us… we are both sitting here and there is no heat… nothing. Everything is frozen. We don’t have anything in common, we are complete strangers.

“What… about Otabek…?” I asked with cracking voice, I couldn't even understand why I am asking this. I was so close to the break point, it’s really too hard. I can’t. I just had to keep talking about something, but the pain came back and it didn’t let me go.

“Hm… I don’t know. I think… his wife is expecting second child or something… Yuuri?” I didn’t understand what Victor told me, I wasn’t even listening. I just jumped on my feet and covered face with my palm. What I am doing??? I shouldn't be here with him.

“Sorry I need to go.” I quickly moved, before he grabbed my hand and ran from the coffee shop. Where should I go? Where was that audition again? I need to go there, I need to hide. I need…

“Yuuri! Wait!” Victor ran after me and grabbed my wrist so hard, that even if I wanted, I wouldn’t be able to make him let it go. But the fact was… I didn’t want that. As soon as he touched me, the fire inside me reached all places inside. I woke up. I am not lying, even the world looked brighter now. But I couldn’t turn around. If I do that… he will see my tears because I couldn’t stop them anymore. “Yuuri, turn around… Yuuri.” He made me do that by saying my name with that warm voice, which I thought I already have forgotten but it was always in my heart. I turned around, feeling how my legs are trembling… what he is doing to me. It reminded me of that day when we got divorced. That day we thought that we both know what we are doing. Obviously, it was not true, because my body was trembling the same now as it was trembling back then.

“What are you doing? Why you came back? Why Victor…. Tell me why!” I raised my head, hoping that I will see his calm face, but what I saw broke me even more. I saw tears in the corner of his eyes. It’s not fair. It’s not. I know… why we got divorced. It was our decision, nobody made us do that.

We got married after the Grand Prix final in 2018 and at first everything was perfect, but sometimes all this marriage and living together thing looked like a game for us. After some time I started thinking that decision to get married was rushed. I know, we loved each other, our love was like a fire, burning everything in the way. But that was a problem. We weren’t ready to create a family. It was a first serious relationship for both of us and even if we tried, even if we loved each other… we reached the limit. One day, our flame stopped. Our love was burned like a match. I think we both lacked experience of… some deeper feelings, which back then were still unknown for us. We started fighting every day, leaving home and not coming back for few days, hiding things from each other, not caring anymore… one day Victor suggested that we might need a break from each other, just to cool ourselves down, think about everything. I understood this differently, I understood that he doesn’t want me anymore, that he got tired of this kind of life. Everything turned so bad, that we literally got tired of each other, so divorce was the only one solution for us. At least, we both decided like this back then. After everything was over… I thought so many times, that we still could have tried to do something. But it was too late. I moved back to Japan and tried to erase every memory about Victor. I quit skating, I deleted everything that could have reminded me of him. He was guilty, I was guilty… but we have what we have, it can’t be undone. I had to start living from the beginning. I was sure Victor will do the same. After a year I finally found strengths to live again. Then in 2021, Haruki appeared in my life.

“Yuuri… I am sorry… I am sorry…” Victor’s lips trembled and few second after that I was already in his arms. I couldn’t help myself just hug him back. I wrapped my arms around his waist as hard as I could and took a deep breath of my favorite smell. It was wonderful. It made me cry even more. And first time in my life, I didn’t want to stop crying.

“There is no competition in Tokyo, right?” I silently asked, still pressing him hard against me and he sighed. As I understood just now he perfectly lied. Every emotion he showed to me today was a lie. He wasn’t happy, he was just acting… actually, Victor is broken. This trembling man in my arms - this is Victor right now. I hid my face in his chest and squeezed his blue sweater between my fingers.

“I couldn’t hold it anymore… even after three years I can’t stop thinking about you. But I am guilty of everything that happened, but just now I found strengths to come here… I have tickets to Hatsetsu in the evening. I wanted to go there and beg for your forgiveness no matter how long it will take…” I was listening and I couldn’t believe in his words. I couldn’t believe that I was so close to this. Did he come to Japan for me? “But then… I saw you with some man here… he kissed you. And I know, it’s not a coincidence it’s a punishment for me. After seeing this, I just had turn around and go back to Russia, but then… he left and you were alone... and I couldn’t hold back. So I waited for you. I just…. Yuuri…” Victor started crying for real, he hugged me even tighter and pressed his lips to my neck. I felt hot tears on my skin. He is breaking here in front of me. He had a hope and I broke it when Victor saw me with Haruki. Damn it… damn it…

I moved my head and he also had to move, our eyes met. From tears, Victor’s eyes were even brighter. So pure… so… mine. The color that I actually didn’t stop loving, even for a second. I just made myself to think that I forgot about him. But… but I love Victor. I love him so much. I still do. I can’t hide it, not now, when he is in front of me. I need to kiss him… I need him back no matter what… I need the proof. But when I started reaching for his lips, Victor pressed his finger to my lower lip, this way stopping me. I froze.

“At first…” he started speaking after few second of painful silence. “I thought that I will beg for you to leave him, to come back to me… that I can prove this time my love.... and we can be different… but… then I thought… Yuuri is not like that. He would never hurt someone on purpose. He would never break someone’s heart, especially if that person loves him. And I saw how that man was looking at you. He loves you. I can’t ask you leave him… and come back to me. And you can't do this.” as Victor was speaking, I felt like I bumped into the wall at least hundred times, again and again, more and more painful. I can’t believe that I totally forgot about Haruki right now. That’s the proof that I actually never had feelings for him in the first place. But… Victor is right.

“Yes…” I stepped back, even if I felt that Victor doesn’t want to let me go. Right now I was feeling so dumb, so pathetic. I think I have never felt worse in my life. Just don’t you dare to wish me to have a good life with Haruki. Don’t you dare, Victor. That was the only thought on my mind when I saw that Victor wants to say something. But in the end, he didn’t, so I stepped back again. I just need to run from here. Now for sure. “Goodbye, Victor.” I said as quickly as I could, that it turned into one sound and then I turned around.

“Yuuri.” He said my name again and I stopped. “I will be waiting. Even if it takes forever.” He whispered, but even in the street full of noise and people, I heard it so perfectly as he was murmuring this into my ear. With that sweet and warmth voice. The voice he keeps only for me. Why? Why do you need to wait? I turned back to him. And Victor was looking. Our eyes met and he was smiling, even if tears didn’t stop running down through his face.

It was a perfect and calm second before the world started breaking apart. The ground softly trembled and then the end came.

Life brought us back together, love will tear us apart.

After all… we all get what we deserved.

You can’t change the destiny. That’s the only thing that we should know about life.

**2023, December 25.**

It’s so hard to move with a wheelchair in the middle of the winter when the path is not clear enough, I should write a complaint. Like always they never think about people who can’t walk. When I was healthy, I also didn’t think about this at all. But now I understand what kind of dumbass I was.

“Maybe I can help you?” women asked. I didn’t see that someone is going next to me. She, of course, saw that I am a foreigner, that’s why she asked in English, but I just shook my head. No need to help. I can be independent.

“Thank you, I am fine.” After my words, she smiled and nodded. At least she respects me. That’s good. When I reached hospital’s door, it opened automatically. A woman who was working at reception desk smiled for me.

“Yuuri! It’s been a week since I last saw you.” She waved for me, and I stopped wheelchair, she came closer to me with a notebook and put it on my lap that I could sign for the visiting hours. I took a pen from her and tried to smile back.

“I was gone to visit my family for a few days in Japan.” This hospital was small and since I was coming here almost every day, of course, she knew me well. That’s no surprise. I leaned forward to sign, but then I saw that last name just before mine. “Who are Anastasia and Alexey Nikiforov?” I asked reading really slowly, it was still hard for me to read in Cyrillic alphabet.

“Oh, they are Victor’s cousin! Since it’s his birthday today, they came to visit. I was also surprised at first, but they do look alike.” She explained and I slowly nodded leaving my signature. Victor’s cousins? I didn’t even know that he has relatives. I think… I will never find out more about him, right?

“And how it went?” I asked giving a pen and the notebook back to her, she smiled.

“Victor was acting really calm… of course, he didn’t have any idea who are they. So they didn’t stay long, but… let’s say it’s really good day.” she answered, but I heard some strange tone in her voice. Something is not right, but of course, she won’t explain this to me. I will find out myself I guess. I moved through the corridor on the first floor until I reached the last room. I knocked few times and opened the door, drew in and closed the door behind me.

It was more like a big luxurious and really comfortable room, the only thing that Victor can’t go out from this little safe haven. If only I could walk… I would take care of him, but now it’s too risky, I don’t have any other choice just to keep coming here every day. Even if he keeps forgetting who I am…

“Hey, Victor… how are you?” I tried to smile for him. Victor was sitting next to the window, he slowly moved his head to me and blinked. I can expect different reaction every time I come to visit him because he can forget everything anytime. No one knows how long his memories will last. Sometimes it’s just a few minutes, one time it lasted almost for two days. That’s the record. I took off my winter cap and scarf, then the coat put everything on the chair next to the door.

“What happened to your legs?” I heard a silent voice and that made me turn my head so fast. I had to make sure that it wasn’t my imagination. Victor really spoke. He usually doesn’t speak at all, just listens to me. I can totally understand, he is lost and he doesn’t understand how we know him… he doesn’t even understand who he is. Every time after this visit I can’t help myself just go back home and cry, but I can't show how I really feel in front of Victor. In front of him, I have to be strong because otherwise, he will be even more worried.

“It… was an accident…” I tried to say. It’s so rare that he talks to me. We should talk about something else, not about my legs, it doesn’t matter at all. I moved towards him, but Victor didn’t move an inch, he was still looking at me the same.

“Accident?” I heard the sadness in his voice and that made me stop. Something is really different today.

“Yes… this spring… earthquake happened and…. Well... it’s not important at-“

“Does it hurt? Your legs?” he kept asking and I bit my lip. I felt so bad because I wanted him to keep talking, I wanted to hear his voice. I missed him so much, this week was horrible, I wanted to go back to Russia as soon as I was on the plane, but I already made a promise to my parents so I had to go and visit them. I made sure to come back as soon as I could, to be honest, I came back today and then here right away.

“Sometimes…” because of the tears that I suddenly felt in my eyes, I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t say anything. Even if I knew that I had to.

“It hurts for me too…” he moved head and looked through the window. It must be his head… I understand that it hurts. After the earthquake Victor started losing his memories, he kept forgetting more and more, until the point where he even couldn’t remember his own name. He wasn’t even able to create new memories…. He just keeps forgetting everything. He will never remember me. I knew that, but even until now I couldn’t clearly understand this fact. I couldn't lose hope.

“Should I ask a nurse for medicine?” I asked, but Victor didn’t pay any attention to my words. He raised his hand and instead of the head, he grabbed on his chest.

“It hurts here…. It hurts a lot… but… since you opened the door, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” Victor slowly moved his head to me again. I was sitting in the wheelchair speechless, all trembling. He stood up and stepped towards me. Then he did what I really didn’t expect, he kneeled in front of me. And at the same second, I burst into tears. Out loud. Victor slowly put his head on my lap. I touched his hair and leaned forward. I kissed his hair again and again, with my fingertips touching his face. It has been months since I last touched him. I couldn’t stop doing this. I couldn’t stop crying.

“Can… you stay a little bit longer?” he silently begged and I tried to imagine what kind of pain he was feeling if he came like this to me by himself and asked to stay. Even if he doesn’t know who I am or who he is… who we are.

“For-ever…” my voice cracked, but I couldn’t help it. I pressed my lips strongly to his forehead and grabbed his shirt between my fingers harder. He said… he said… that he will wait for me. Even if takes forever. He is still waiting. He is.

“Forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, 
> 
> It's been some time!  
> I finally managed to complete the last chapter of these series. Of course, as I promised there will be one-shots (as I plan, for now, there will be 6 in total), but it's the end of the main part. Since is the last chapter and I hope I finally have answered to your questions... let me throw you some statistic about my first fanfic written in English aka these series.
> 
> I started writing it on **November 18. 2016** and finished on **June 2, 2017**  
>  Pages: 560  
> Words: 350k  
> Feels: ∞
> 
> And we have talked with some of you, but maybe after all this time, let me tell you something about myself, just for you to know, that I am not a robot :D  
> My real name is Vitalija (pronounce Vitalya). I am from Lithuania, a small country in North Europe. This October 1st, I will turn 23 years old. I study philology this year I graduated from uni, but I am starting again another one from autumn. Well, I don't like studying, but I love learning new things. And I live for writing. Here I feel free. Here I become someone else. And I can tell that this fanfic will always have a big place in my heart. It was a start and because of it, I understood how much I want to keep writing. You are also a part of it.
> 
> Last time thank you for everything. For your support and for waiting! Love you all! This was an amazing experience. I loved it. And I love you. YOI is the best fandom I have ever met!!
> 
> Forever with you,  
> Vitavili

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: [vitavilichan](https://vitavilichan.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [He asked me to, so I obliged](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10093052) by [idrinkmytea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrinkmytea/pseuds/idrinkmytea)




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